Grace Under Pressure 2

Is this the end for Land's End? The easing of some lockdown restrictions combined with the once in a lifetime prospect of good weather during the school half term holidays, has meant an esimated three quarters of the population of England has headed for Cornwall.  The intrepid travellers have been lured by the prospect of 17-hour car journey with an average speed of 8 miles per hour on the A-roads, just to spend 45 minutes queuing for ice cream, before trying to find a couple of square inches of litter free sand on the beach. With holidays abroad the travel equivalent of playing Russian rouletter with a boarding pass, Cornwall has recorded a gazillion fold increase in its already ridiculously high level of tourists, most of whom will be expecting to just turn up unnannounced and get a table a one of Rick Stein's estimated 48 restaurants and cafes in the county. One unforseen consequence of this influx of 'lockdown lard arses' is that an increase in mass per unit area...

  According to the latest tweets emerging from Demonic Cummings, the 'mawidge' of former bromance partner Boris Johnson at the weekend showed a complete lack of planning and stategy. According to the spurned lover, the sending out of invitations was a complete communications shambles as it relied on an announcement being put up on the government website, that no one was told about. People were then told that although technically they were allowed to come, they really shouldn't come unless thay absolutely had to come, in which case it might be better if they didn't come after all. Initial plans to have Chris Whitty perform the ceremony live on TV  had to be cancelled as the date clashed with Professor Whitty's 'Next Slide Please' UK tour. Matt Hancock, too busy saving lives,  outsourced the buying of Carrie's outfit to his next door neighbour who had extensive experience in this area having once seen a woman wearing a dress.  Needless to say the proc...

Whilst watching a trailer for the indiginous round of the Australian rugby leage competition this week, I came across this song written by Xavier Rudd, is an Australian singer-songwriter and multi-instrumentalist whose music incorporates socially conscious themes, such as spirituality, humanity, environmentalism and the rights of Indigenous Australians.  And it just seemed appropriate that as that golden ball suddenly appears in the sky, causing observors to stop and stare, after a quite miserable May we should celebrate the Bank Holiday by joining together to 'follow the sun'.    But if you do venture out into this unusual climatic condition, just like all good Ozzies, make sure you remember to slip, slop, slap, seek and slide.      

The 2 million pound Downing Street press briefing room lies in smouldering ruins this morning after Matt Hancock's trousers apeared to spontaneously combust during his 5 pm Covid 19 update. This follows a similar flame related incident in the House of Commons ealier in the week. At the time of going to press the reasons for Matt Hancock’s pants catching fire are nothing more than unsubstantiated allegations that are in no way shape or form based on the truth or hard evidence. Unless off course you are counting 30,000 unneccessary and highly preventable deaths after Mr Hancock put a protective ring around care homes in a similar way to how the Sheffield United back four attempted to protect their goal. Many has initially thought that the sudden fiery furnace might have been generated by static electricty produced from Mr Hancock's polyester pants as he squirmed and repeatedly buttock clenched under the pressure of questioning from fashion model and part time political analyst L...

As the premier league season rolls to its uninspiring climax and the supporters of England, Scotland and Wales look forward to yet another disaterous performance in a major competition, when the 'it' sung about in the famous chorus 'It's coming home' is going to be our representative teams, possibly even before the knock out stages begin. Meanwhile back on home turf, having failed to qualify for Europe for the first time in 25 years, north London luvies 'the Arsenal' have announced their top summer transfer target. Realising that capturing goal machine, Harry Kane, from North London rivals 'the Spurs' was a no go once Kane revealed he wanted to win trophies, Arsenal supportes are delighted to hear that the club are confident of signing the Barcelona pitch for a fee of around £30 million in the next few days Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own keep uppy king, former Arsenal player Ian Wright explained the rationale behind this acquisit...

In a move that shocked no one in particular, spurned lover Demonic Cummings launched his 'Get Boris Done' campaign before a select committe yesterday afternoon by throwing his former BBF, Bojo Johnson, under the bus. A big red bus with an equally big lie painted on the side of it.  The man, who just a few months ago the whole country thought was a sociopathic liar, and who had single handedly undermined the fabric of society with his trip to Barnard Castle, is today being praised in pubs and the associated press for telling the truch, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Because people can change. As part of the evidence to Parliament on the Government’s handling of the pandemic, Cummings coup de grace was to provide a picture of the whiteboard used by the cabinet to formulate the master plan to fight the virus. A picture whose complete assessment of the situation is reported to have rendered political analyst, Laura Kuennesberg, speechless. And quite jealous of Carrie S...

Have you ever wanted to live out your very, very, very, private life live on Amazon, Apple, Spotify, Netflix and possibly even the Disney Channel. Ever want to speak using words, phrases and sentences that make Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin's expression 'conscious uncoupling' seem very, very sensible, then welcome to 'Talk like Aitch and Megs; the new game that allows you to talk just like the world's whingiest couple. First off try to use positive-sounding but completely vague verbs such as Unleash, Empower, Generate, Nurture, Share or Unlock. The add in a sprinkling of pleasantly vacuous adjectives such as Truthfully Relatable , Holistically Healing Meaningfully Authentic , Compassionately Impactful , Global Cultural or the ever useful Systemic Positive. Once you've got the hang of those and can slip them into any conversation, and in doing so make any who are listening suddenly wish they we...

RyanAir passengers are this morning reported to be more furious that a two year old having a temper tantrum in Lidl after being charged an extra £50 each for their 'stopover in Belarus whilst on route from Athens for a fun packed weeks holiday in trendy Lithuania. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own cabin boy, irrate passenger, Caniavan Aisleseat, explained the situation. Wearing several layers of clothing to avoid hand luggage chanrges and desperatly crossing her legs having refused to pay to use the on board toilet, Caniavan Ailseseat lamented "We initially thought that this was a freebie offered by President of Belarus, Alexander Lukashenko, in order to get Belarus on the green list. So imagine our surprise when we discovered that in reality it was all about a bomb that had been designed to get past security by being disguised to look very like dissident journalist Roman Protasevich." "After a lot of kerfuffal, we eventually took off again and finally...

It is said that wine matures with age. So too it seems do 1980's pop stars. Back in the day when Paul Weller was strutting his stuff as front man of The Jam or ensemble player in The Style Council, who would have thought that he would have matured into one of the most respected elder stateman of rock, reinventing himself as time passed.   And as for Boy George, well given his hedonistic lifestyle, many are perhaps surprised that he has made it this far at all. But here he is, possessing a voice that is able to send shiver up and down the spine. Today's Mellow Monday upload captures both Paul and George together singing one of my favourite Style Council songs. This is 'You're the best thing'    

Having struggling for the best part of 6 months to set a date for their preposed bout of fisti cuffs, British heavyweights Anthony Joshua and Tyson Fury have finally managed to agree on a timetable to announce the postponement of their much anticipated, virtually, almost but not quite, never actually going to happen title fight. Following weeks of incredibly tense negotiations both Camp Tyson and Camp Antony, which is a reference to their training set ups not their effeminate behaviour,  have now finally been able to agree a date for announcing that the fight which was announced only a few days ago won’t actually happen in mid August. Speaking exclusivly to Grace Under Pressure's punchdrunk print setter, promoter Eddie Hearn confirmed “This is biggest cancelation in the history of boxing. It's massive. You do NOT want to miss this. Two British fighter in the prime of their life are not going to be fighting each other. It's a cornerman's wet dream and what everyone w...

F ollowing the revelation that the BBC used dastardly deeds of deception in order to obtain an interview with Princess Diana, Grace Under Pressure is today posing the 'needs to be asked question' as to whether Prince Andrew's interview with Emily Matliss last year was also based on a bed rock of falsehoods, untruths and downright lies. After Martin Bashir’s now infamous interview with Diana has been found to be based on outrageous lies, Prince Andrew is now pondering if the powers that be at the BBC can be blamed for his own deceitful interview. "Having been forced to forge, fudge and fake answers to questions posed by Emily Matliss," explained a palace spokesman, "It is becoming inceasing clear to Prince Andrew that any tall tales he might or might not have told where as a direct result of a BBC conspiracy to get at the truth." "Former director general of the BBC, Tony Hall, who the Prince would like it pointed out is not a proper General at all...

Five days after the borders were open, Grace Under Pressure can reveal that the first group of planes to land in Portugal have not contained a single holiday maker after every seat had been booked by reporters, journalists, social media influencers and broadcasters eager to report just what it would be like if any Brits had actually been able to get here. BBC travel correspondent Simon Calder, who has somehow managed to block book a flight to any and every European destination as soon as those countries appear on the governments green list, was up at sparrows fart to report from a deserted Algarve beach. Deserted that is apart from over 30 mobile TV units and their satallite dishes, which far outnumbered the number of beach umbrellas being used by tourist. Wearing the ubiquitous uniform of Brits abroad, socks and sandal sporting Simon strolled along the Faro prom desperate to interview sun seekers from Stoke, Stevenage or Slough but ended up having to interview Ade Adepitan, who had ma...

Just when she thought her annus horriblis couldn't get any worse, it has. As if it wasn't bad enough losing one's husband after 70 years of marriage, discovering one of one's children is play mates with a paedophile and one of one's grandchildren has turned out to be a right ginger whinger, Queen Elizabeth has been dealt another body blow yesterday with news that Roy Hodgson is to leave 'the Palace' at the end of the year. Having had spells helping manage the affairs of Switzerland, UAE, Finland and England, Hodgson was recruited by 'the Palace' in 2017 with the hope of transforming their flagging fortunes. Unfortunatly it was not to be. The media friendly but ultimatly very expensive transfer of American import, Meghan Markle into the team was initially hailed as a success by many, especially after her initial link up with former wild child, Harry Windsor, but it soon became apparent Meghan could not adapt to 'the Palaces' style of play.  Ca...

As Covid restrictions ease Gloucester cafe owners have discovered that as well as being able to invite people into their premises for a hot cuppa and buttered bap, they have also been given licence to open up their basements. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's forensic font setter,  owner of the 'Better latte than never' cafe, Ivor Brewon, explained his mixed emotions. "For years we've been trying to get council planning permission for a small extension or even just a small beer garden out the back, and each time we've been refused, often for ridiculous reasons."  "They wouldn't even allow us to put a couple of table and chairs outside during lockdown. Now suddenly when it suits them, and I might add without seeking our permission, every man and his dog has arrived to help us clear out our basement. I don't wanna go digging up the past but it's a bit cheeky if you ask me." "It wasn't our first choice if we're honest,...

Chaos erutped in the Hucknall Gallery of Modern Art and Contemorary Culture as it reopened for business today. One visitor was shocked by a group of mime artists who are reported to have done unspeakable things, whilst another visitor was spotted spraying a protest slogan on a wall in a thick letter setting, something that a police constable described as a 'bold' move. Yet another art lover was insulted in the area of the gallery dealing with its latest exibition of racially insensitive and power crazed artists 'the Oppresionists'.  For one visitor it brought back unpleasant memories of the time her boyfriend was caught having sex with an abstract artist even though he claimed 'it was not what it looked like' and that he had simply 'been framed' by someone in it for the monet. Hopefully he will turner corner with his behaviour soon. Exiting through the gift shop, her day went from bad to worse as she discivered her transport had been stolen causing her t...

Hordes of hoodies are reported to have gone into hiding yesterday, fearful of the prospect that over keen and fully vacinated pensioners will take David Cameron's speech from 2006 as a mandate for their lockdown relaxation activities. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very embracable editor, 17 yr old Jason Thomas explained why he won't be venturing outside tomorrow or indeed for the next couple of weeks to be honest. "It's bad enough trying to escape from my granny, whose been building upto this moment for the past 14 months, but at least she's family," explained Jason, "The mere thought of being harrased by Sanatogen fuelled septugenarians kitted out in tweed and smelling of Brut or lavendar scented Eau de Cologne is pretty scary to be honest. Even for someone like me who is part of a pretty hard street gang" "People think we have all this freedom but from tomorrow we'll all be back in a voluntary lockdown to escape the canoodles, cla...

The dinosaurs of the DUP have managed an amazing leap backwards in evolution by electing a man who does not believe in fossils. By electing Edwin Poots, the Democratic Unionist Party have elected a leader fit for 2021, one who opposed the signing of the Good Friday peace agreement as well as not agreeing with issues such as Bexit, gay marriage or adoption by same sex couples.   Rumours reaching Grace Under Pressure suggesting Mr Poots is hoping to base his parties manifesto on policies and practises that are no more than 6,000 yrs old and which were originally written on tablets of stone, could well be scientifically unsound. At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure's very own Plodosaurus, is unsure if the worlds most famous dinosaur based film frachise is to be removed from schools and libraries and visits to the Dorset coast banned as a result of Mr Poot's understanding and belief that the Jurassic time period never actually existed. When asked why he is a young ea...

Well there you have it Dodgy Dave had tried his very bestest  to explain how his right old Eton mess involving on the border morally bankrupt lobbying for Greensill Investment company was actually quite a difficult day for him and his reputation.  Which given this was coming from a man who in alleged to have indulged his porcine peccadillo for inserting the member of the member for Whitney into a dead pig's mouth as part of an initiation ceremony for the Piers Gaveston society at Oxford University, makes you wonder how high his reputation bar was set. Unfortunately for Devious Dave, his dasterdly dealings which he claimed he undertook for the benefit of the UK and not to boost his bank balance by a reported £60 million, turned out to be nothing more than a ham fisted attempt to conceal a string of porky pies. One further example of how he can still manage to make a pig's ear out of a silk purse.  

Cats up and down the land are this morning sharpening their claws and perfecting their hissing and spitting in preperation for their owners attempts to try and have them micro chipped following the recent announcement in the Queen's speech Describing herself in purrrfect English as not nearly as stupid as her ach nemesis ' the dog', who spends half his life chasing and retreiving objects only for his owner to throw them away again, feline femme fatal, Luna, spoke exclusively to Grace Under Pressure's very own Kitty Litter about her plans to foil this micro chipping meanace. "If this strange women who lives in my house and acts as my servant, thinks that she has any chance of injecting anything into my ear then she has another thing coming. I saw what happened when she took 'the dog' to the vets under the pretence of just getting his teeth cleaned and he came back without his bollocks. What a half whit I ask you!"  "I just play the game of letting ...

    Following an e mail encouraged him to engage in the new type of hybrid work pattern which means he works at home all the time and doesn't come need to return to the office ever,  28 yr old Damian McQuarrie is struggling from the shock revelation that all the rest of his 'team' have already returned to working there over two months ago.   Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's photocopying fetishist, Damien explained, "Apparently the productivity of the office has increased dramatically since I started working from home and what with the corresponding decrease in visits to HR by the rest of my collegues it seems that everyone thinks this current arrangement is a win win for everyone".  "They don't seem to mind the cost, both in terms of time and money, associated with the daily commute, having to wear masks in the office and be separated from each other by plastic screens. Mary Jane even appears to have settled in very nicely at my old desk from wha...

First it was my hand held kitchen whisk. A possible casualty suffered whilst moving house at the back end of May 2020. Small enough to get mislaid whilst packing, elusive enough to remain hidden when unpacking after my 7 mile journey across the city. Now comes the far more worrying discovery that I am iron deficient. And by that I do not mean that I am suffering from anemia, although that my explain my snail like running. Rather it means that I am missing an iron.  This is worrying on several levels. First, my iron is missing, which is I have to admit a worry and yet as I soon discovered also an exciting way to spend a couple of hours yesterday afternoon looking in every cupboard, wardrobe, drawer, bag and box trying to find where I might have put it. Without success. Far, far more worrying is that the missing iron reveals that my lifestyle has been such since the first lockdown started, that until yesterday when I wanted to find it, I have obvioulsy not needed said steam iron in o...

Just as the government have announced it is safe to move into step 3 on their roadmap out of lockdown, the UK has been hit with the devestating blow that politicians from all sides of the political divide are threatening to use this freedom to get far more 'doorsteppy'.  For those living in the now Conservative controlled town of Hartlepool, the prospect of a gurning Michael Gove turning up to spread smarm all over their door mat and knockers (and no that's not a euphemism) is a prospect that has seen many people demand a return to strict lockdown measures.   68 yr old Betty Boothroyd, who is hoping to represent Great Britain in the reestablished 'curtain twitching' event at the Tokyo 2021 Olympics revealed " I thought I saw that Jacob Rees Mogg strolling up the avenue until I realised it was just one of the locals all dressed up for his role on the 18th century HMS Trincomalee. " Meanwhile all members of the Labour party have been ordered to undergo com...

In a move that shows his leadership qualities to the full, Sir Kier Starmer has demonstrated that he takes full responsibilty for the catastrophic defeat Labour have suffered in the local elections by sacking the woman he thinks shouls take responsiblity for the catastrophic defeat Labour have suffered in the local elections. In a press conference attended by two men who mistakenly went to the wrong venue, Sir Kier Starmer began his new approach of 'talking directly to the people' by 'talking directly to two people' and announcing, "Angela Raynor takes full responsibility for my full responsibility for these results. Apart from the 10 mayoral elections that we won for which she had no responsiblity for being responsible at all. In fact she was totally irresponsible for these victories." Impressed by a CV that showed an ability to herd cats and eat soup with a fork, many who had been bedazzeled by Sir Keir’s apparent superpowers in outperforming Boris Johns...

  64 yr old Mavis Shrimpton is reported to be overjoyed at Grant Shapps' decision to put Iceland on the green list of destinations for travellers this summer.  Speaking exclusively to Grace Under Pressure's very own northern light, Mavis explained, "After over a year of being locked in my flat and only being able to do things online, the prospect of a trip to Iceland this is a real blessing. I've had the double jab and feel well immunised, so I'm up for a little trip, but the thought of having to quarantine upon my return home was just something I wasn't prepared to do."  "So me and Bert were really chuffed when we heard Iceland has been declared safe to visit. I mean all my frozen sausage rolls would have defrosted just standing in those 6 hour queues I've heard about and as I keep telling Bert, no one likes a soggy sausage love. Hopfully the government will pull its finger out and get Farm Foods on the green list as soon as posible too as they d...

Sometimes you just need something sublime to simply wash over you on a Saturday morning. This is todays aural treat, the latest offering from Rory Graham aka 'Rag n Bone Man' featuing the vocal talents of Pink. Go and make that coffee, put your feet up, ignore the rain battering on your windows  and let yourself drift away.  

After years of having their interests and concerns ignored by someone wearing a red rosette, the good people of Hartlepool have voted to see whether someone wearing a different colour of rosette will ignore then any less.  The town which has returned a Labour MP for almost half a century, some of which could actually point to Hartlepool on a map, have this morning decided that enough is enough and have elected Jill Mortimer, a Tory candidate who lives in very upmarket town of Thirsk and who may or may not be able to spell Hartlepool correctly at the first attempt. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's political pundit, local man, Ivor Whippet,  explained, "it's the Tory partys proficiency at achieving the highest covid death toll in Europe, offering dodgy PPE contracts to their mates, showing the common man that a months wages can buy a single roll of wall paper and the overall air of sleaze and corruption that persuaded me that Jill Mortimer was the man for the current...

  The Word reaching Grace Under Pressures’ digital deliverer is that Icon of the 21 st century, Bill Gates, and his Wifi Melinda just don’t Click anymore and are going to File for divorce. Once viewed as a very Modem family unity, with relationships that Excelled, it seems that now Melinda, who got fed up with her husband being in the Office 365 days a year,  just stares out of the Windows whilst Bill Browses his Spreadsheets. What is the Driver behind this separation has been open to intense debate with many Trojan theories put forward. One is that Mr Gates is a Mouse in the bedroom with one source describing Mr Gates’ once impressive hardware as now being regularly Micro Soft. Unsure if this is due to an infection by a Virus it has left him unable to Download, despite trying various Applications sourced on the internet. This has meant Melinda is only able to operate in Safe Mode with her own Tool Bar. A Network of close friends have been u nable to Console Melinda bu...