11th May Schrodinger's doorstep

Just as the government have announced it is safe to move into step 3 on their roadmap out of lockdown, the UK has been hit with the devestating blow that politicians from all sides of the political divide are threatening to use this freedom to get far more 'doorsteppy'. 

For those living in the now Conservative controlled town of Hartlepool, the prospect of a gurning Michael Gove turning up to spread smarm all over their door mat and knockers (and no that's not a euphemism) is a prospect that has seen many people demand a return to strict lockdown measures.  

68 yr old Betty Boothroyd, who is hoping to represent Great Britain in the reestablished 'curtain twitching' event at the Tokyo 2021 Olympics revealed " I thought I saw that Jacob Rees Mogg strolling up the avenue until I realised it was just one of the locals all dressed up for his role on the 18th century HMS Trincomalee."

Meanwhile all members of the Labour party have been ordered to undergo compulsory hearing tests to try to get to the bottom of the descrepency between what they claim to have heard voters say on the doorstep compared to the reality of what the same voters actually did in the polling booth. 

Emminent boffins up and down the land are calling this phenomena 'Shrodinger's Doorstep', the unfortunate disability that affects persons, who while standing on a doorstep, claim to hear opinions which they want to hear and which are entirely contradictory to those later expressed in a polling station.

Sir Keith Stammer has apologised to Labour Party members for the election results but has claimed an unofficial victory based on what his party activists had told him people were saying based on exit polls taken on doorsteps, porches, front gardens and pavements. 

As part of the parties new manifesto, it is drafting a new policy to make it law that polling booths resemble mock doorsteps, complete with welcome mats and piles of unwanted pizza delivery leaflets in the hope of mounting a credible challenge next time. 

Unfortuantly THIS time Keith Stammer left it just a few days too late to reveal THAT all new, all singing, all dancing shadow cabinet which would surely have had the votes flooding in Labour's direction. After all changing Angela Raynor's job title was just what would have swayed the undeciced voter wasn't it.



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