10th May It's a right old Kier-fuffle over at Labour HQ

In a move that shows his leadership qualities to the full, Sir Kier Starmer has demonstrated that he takes full responsibilty for the catastrophic defeat Labour have suffered in the local elections by sacking the woman he thinks shouls take responsiblity for the catastrophic defeat Labour have suffered in the local elections.

In a press conference attended by two men who mistakenly went to the wrong venue, Sir Kier Starmer began his new approach of 'talking directly to the people' by 'talking directly to two people' and announcing, "Angela Raynor takes full responsibility for my full responsibility for these results. Apart from the 10 mayoral elections that we won for which she had no responsiblity for being responsible at all. In fact she was totally irresponsible for these victories."

Impressed by a CV that showed an ability to herd cats and eat soup with a fork, many who had been bedazzeled by Sir Keir’s apparent superpowers in outperforming Boris Johnson at Prime Minister's Questions are this morning beginning to realise that was in fact a pretty low bar with which to judge when considering the man he was up against isn't even allowed to pick the wallpaper for his own house.

As more cracks appeared in the party than in a fleet of Hitachi made trains, Sir Kier Starmer, who unconfirmed rumours suggest is about to change his name by deed pole to Keith Stammer to give him more curb appeal, has spent the day reshuffling the deckchairs on HMS Labour, as the band valiantly played 'We'll keep the red flag flying' on a rapidly listing vessel.

At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure is unable to deny that members of the shadow cabinet are reported to have met to discuss their failings in a giant booze fueled gathering just round the corner from a beer making factory after failing to organise the event in the brewery itself. But we suspect it to be true.