Grace Under Pressure 2

On Wednesday night I had a little solo jolly 'into town' as the locals would say to watch The Clothes They Stood Up In, at a packed Playhoue Theatre.  Based on a novella by Alan Bennett, one that had been adapted and extended by its lead actor Adrian Scarsborough, it focussed on the aftermath of a night at the opera when mild-mannered couple Maurice and Rosemary Ransome open their front door to discover their flat completely is empty. From light bulbs to carpets to toilet paper, even their chicken casserole has been stolen! They have been robbed or is it burgled, we never find out precisely which, leaving the couple with literally the clothes they stood up in. The theatre was very busy, crammed full of Alan Bennett afficionadoes, especially as despite being written some 25 years ago this is the first time the work has been transferred to the stage. And Adrian Scarborough has done a great  job of translating Bennett’s words, managing to capture his trademark dry observation...

    Three funerals, two church councils, one community lunch and a 10 mile run to top it all off.

A 32 year woman from Hucknall, who is outraged when shops start to display their range of Halloween goodies in shops before the month of October has actually started, is secretly pleased as punch with herself that she has already managed to complete all her preperations for Christmas and New Year. Beth Smallbone who hates the Americanisation of Halloween and thinks everyone needs to calm down about it, has already bought her Christmas presents, written her cards and put up her tree. Family members report rolls of wrapping paper started appearing in the house as early as June and the first fairy light flickered into life in August, making a complete mockery of the energy crisis “I hate the way Halloween seems to come earlier every year and has become so commercial,” Beth said whilst squeezing her entire family into newly purchased Elf outifts and feeding them with a slice of Stollen. “It’s all fake blood, bats and witches hats that appear in the shops at the start of Septemb...

Less than two weeks in position and Chancellor of the Exchequer, Kwasi Kwantang, has really thrown his weight behind the government policy of levelling up by trying to bring parity between the pound and the dollar. Whilst many thought that the new cabinet would aim to score some easy wins with limited targetted measures in the north of the United kingdom in areas of health, education or transport , Mr Kwartang has shown that this really is a new dawn by setting his sights much higher in his attempts to level up by taking on the world money markets . A government spokesperson spoke exclusively to deny rumours that the economy was in such a bad state that the dodgy looking bloke trying to sell two pounds for a dollar from a Luis Vitton suitcase on Richmond Market was in fact former chancellor Rishi Sunak. At the time of going to press Grace Under Presure is unable to confirm that by next weekend Mr Kwartang will have achieved his next aim of making the British pound worth just as much a...

Forget Fury vs Joshua, Truss vs Starmer or even William vs Harry, the real heavyweight battle it taking place on our very high streets with nail bars and vape shops slugging it out to be the only shop left standing. Early victims of sudden stoppages, knockouts or even disqualification in the battle to find the heavyweight champion of the great British high street included Poundland, McDonalds, betting shops and Wilkos. Tense quarter final matches that drew record crowds saw Holland and Barrett, Aldi, Subway and Takeaways all become victims of delayed sucker punches that left them reeling on the ropes.  And in semi final showdowns that really saw the bigs boys get ready to rumble, early joint favourites for the title Greggs and Costa Coffee hit the canvas, the former for serving vegetarian sausage rolls, the latter for making ordering a coffee far to complicated. This left Vape salons and Nail bars as the last two bastions of modern high street retail, as increasing numbers of peopl...

 It's Sunday. September is almost over. And it's time for a suitably sublime song. So here is a little known gem from The Low Anthem entitled 'Charlie Darwin'. Sit back drift away and evolve....   Set the sails, I feel the winds a'stirring Towards the bright horizon set the way Cast your reckless dreams upon our Mayflower The haven from the world and her decay Who could heed the words of Charlie Darwin Fighting for a system built to fail Spooning water from the broken vessels As far as I can see, there is no land   Oh my god The water's all around us Oh my god, it's all around   Who could heed the words of Charlie Darwin Lords of war just profit from decay And trade the children's promise for the jingle The way we trade our hard earned time for pay   Oh my god The water's cold and shapeless Oh my god, it's all around   Oh my god Life is cold and formless Oh my god, it's all around  

The sighs of relief were palpable up and down the length of the shires and Home Counties today, after Kwasi Kwarteng's budget revealed that the gap between the rich and poor just got that little bit wider, ensuring that those right at the very top of social ladder would just about make it through the long winter. Bankers, those about to buy 1st, 2nd or 3rd homes / bech bungalows valued at a penny less than £250,000 and everyone who earns more than £150,000 a year will all benefit loads in the latests budget that was not a budget. Explaining how the changes will benefit, sorry affect him, millionaire business man and life long blue (that's Tory voter not Manchester City fan ) Fucktha Poor, revealed, "Yes it was a relief to know that we will now get through the winter without laying off the stand by nannie, part time pillow plumper or life style coach for 4 year old Tarquin and Bella." "It's just taken the edge of some of those realy difficult decisions one mig...

In a move that will leave soggy bottoms up and down the land, Channel 4 has announced that the forthcoming series of Bake Off is officially off due to the cost of living crisis. The estimated bill for using 12 five ring gas hobs and fan assisted electric ovens is predicted to be almost as much as bankers are going to get in bonuses this year. Add to that the cost of heating a single layered, non insulated tent in the middle of a field and it is predicted that bankrupcy would have been the only thing on the menu for Channel 4. The idea had been mooted to do a single edition of the show using items purcased from a local community food bank but there was not enough sugar available in all of Lancashire to meet the requirements of a Paul Hollywood cake recipe. Ct the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure is unable to confirm that a trailer for the new series featuring Matt Lucas and Noel Fielding has confused children up and down the land who thought Hallowen was only at the end of Oc...

Several charity shops around the BBC television centre in London and Salford Quays have reported being unable to access their premises this week after a sudden deluge of clothing in various shades of black blocked their shop doorways. Speaking exclusively to Grace Under Pressure, veteran charity shop worker, Itza Bargin, said, "I guess with the Queen's funeral now being over, there was no longer a need for absolutely everyybody who appeared on TV to be dressed head to toe in back 24/7. So we've ended up with all sorts, suits, dresses, shoes, ties, jackets and coats. Ere have a sniff at this one, I'm sure that's Sophie Rayworth I can smell. And these socks have a definite whiff of Charlie Styatt. I'll get at least £5 for those." At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure is able to confirm that BBC new anchore Hugh Edwards is currently undergoing surgery to try to remove him from his suit after the excess of bodily fluids generated during his marath...

According to reports reaching Grace Under Pressure's consumer counter, ITV daytime favourite Phillip Schofield has once again been caught on CCTV queue jumping, this time in his local supermarket. Grainy footage shows Mr Schofield flashing his media pass and claiming that he was there on an official engagement for This Morning and as such didn't need to stand in line like everyone else. Schofield who was made to sit on the naughty step by a disapproving nation when he and fellow cohort Holly Willoughby jumped the queue to see Queen Elizabeth's lying in state, tried to explain away yet another incident of thinking he was better than everyone else by claiming he was in his local Sainsbury's to film a segment about the shortage of organic kumquats for Fridays program. Quite why this required him not only to queue jump but also attempt to purchase a trolley full of food at the six items or less check out is uncertain. At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure is un...

After less than a week since it opened, the latest London tourist atrraction 'The Queue' has closed despite record attendances. Very popular with locals and visitors alike 'The Queue' had offered visitors to the capital what promotors described as a once in a lifetime opportunity to shuffle through central London alongside other quite bewildered people wearing coloured wrist bands. Thankfully, unlike at some of the nations other major attractions such as Alton Towers' Nemesis Ride, there were no height or age restrictions. Based on a prototype that has been trialed in Scotland called 'Ok Ey The Queue', London's version was bigger, slower and considerably longer, with the only cost being 10-14 hours of your life. Running repairs last Friday meant that The Queue closed for six hours but this only resulted in another queue forming for the moment The Queue reopened. Grace Under Pressure can reveal that a revamped edition is expected to be released in 2023 to...

90 year old Elsie Battersby of Matlock, Derbyshire was really surprised to see her grandchildren and great grandchildren on TV on Sunday morning. Really, really surprised to see that they had managed to travel the nearly 300 mile round trip to London and then spend 16 hours in a queue in order to see someone else's dead grandma, when they really, really seem to struggle to find the time and desire to travel the 8 miles to see their own grandma, who is still very much alive, in a local care home. Spreaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own care in the community coordinator, Elsie revealed, "It's good that my grandson could manage to take time off from that really, really busy and demanding job he has to go to London. And all those pictures he put on Facegram and Instabook, that Gordon, one of the carers here, who does that sort of thing, told me about, well he did look very dignified. They even managed to see a show, do a sightseeing trip round London and stay in a rea...

A middle aged man who regularly shops in his local Aldi is baffled at what people are calling a 'big queue' to see the Queen lying in state in London. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, Aldi afficionado, Ivor Bagferlife, explained how a weekly shop at Aldi can sometimes last the best part of a week. "Unlike that queue in London where people just literally queue, here at my local Aldi there are so many totally predictable unpredictabls that can cause delays to how long that queue might actually be. You eventually get to the checkout and someone will have forgotten an item and have to go back round the store trying to find it, with three feral children on tow. Or someone wants to return something which requires a manager to come to till no 6. And don't get me started on the delays trying to get an inflatable unicorn, a stepladder and a set of neoprene cycling trousers into a carrier bag." "Then there's the people who pack at the speed of a glacier and only a...

  A 58 year old man from Hucknall Nottinghamshire is wondering if he should seek medical help after finding the departure of Detective Inspector Jimmy Perez in the latest episode of Shetland far, far more emotionally draining than the death of Queen Elizabeth II. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, the visibly distraught man who wished to remain anonymous, sobbed openly as he revealed, "I just feel numb. I mean people can't go on for ever and we all knew it would happen one day, but it's still such a shock. And he's not even dead." "I've never met him of course but he's been such a big part of my life for so long, I feel like he's not just my uncle but the nation's uncle too. It's going to leave an unfillable hole. I'll be holding a 2 minute silence on Wednesday and until then I'll be wearing a donkey jacket and pronouncing the word 'murder' in a Scottich accent as a tribute. The only comparible event I can recall is when Rob...

In scenes reminiscent of the daily Covid briefings, Professor Chris Whitty, Professor Jonathan Van Tamm and Sir Patrick Valalnce have reunited as the Holy Trinity of scientific opinion to issue a government health warning about the possible effects of over exposure to Nicholas Witchell in the next few days Beginning with the calming phrase that helped soothe a nation during the pandemic, 'Next slide please' Professor Chris Whitty revealed that whilst some would have a natural immunity to Witchell, others might be highly vulnerable to his voice that makes Marvin the Paranoid Android appear off his tits on wizz. This could cause people to fall asleep at the wheel of a vehicle, whilst operating heavy machinery or whipping up a quick marmalade sandwich." "Long after an initial exposure", Sir Patrick Valance continued, "people might find themselves inexplicably uttering mantra such as, 'The Royal family doesn't comment on the health of the Monarch’, or  ...

  So how's it going with your grief? Worried that you might peak too early and be fully cried out before the big day next Monday? Fearful that whilst it will be a marathon, you only have the stamina for a short sprint and that you are already running dangerously low on Queen-related conversation? Well worry no more for Grace Under Pressure has yet more handy dandy tips to help you stay the course. If you have already run out of stock phrases or stories you have heard from someone who knew somone who once met someone who was within 100 yards of the Queen don't panic. If you can't recall that whitty quip by Giles Brandreth about the time he shared a macaroon with the Queen then it's not the end of the world. If you don't have a horse to give a carrot too, a corgi to pet, or memories of your husband making racially insensitive remarks to foreigners then help is at hand. While many understand there to be only five stages of grief, Grace Under Pressure's guide to gri...

In times of great upheaval it is often difficult to know how you as an individual can offer a tribute that is both fitting but also in keeping with the rest of society. This is the scenario many citizens of Great Britain found themselves in following the death of Queen Elizabeth II last week.  Thankfully for all of us, evolution has come to the rescue and at a time when higher brain functions have been rendered useless by grief and the droning monotone of Nicholas Witchell's voice 24/7, the more primevil subconscious brain patterns emerge. This almost prehistoric response has seen huge swathes of the British population do what we as a nation do best...queue. Starting in the far north of these sceptred isles, in the land of the Scottish, grief-stricken residents together with visiting tourists have assembled to form a queue. One such resident of Edinburgh, Ivor Sporan, spoke exclusivly to Grace Under Pressure. "The moment I heard the news on Thursday about the death of a woman ...

The new Royal spot the odd one out competition It is a question everyone is wanting to ask but no one dares for fear of ending up with their head on a spike in the Tower of London. Yet Barry Hawkins of Hucknall, Nottinghamshire is determined to use his right to free speech. In an exclusive with Grace Under Pressure, Mr Hawkins asked the unaskable when he questioned, "How is it that in the words of our new King Charles III, if he will be taking on 'such a burden', that both his parents lived well into their 90's and his grandmother made it to the full century. Hardly cut off in their prime were they despite 'the burden' they all carried. Well all apart from his first wife that is. She was certainly cut off." "I mean meeting Boris Johnson once a week for three years would seem to be enough to drive anyone into an early grave but the evidence seems to contradict that. And being able to sleep in a different palace or big house every day of the week is har...

First it was the train drivers, followed quickly by the Post Office. Now it is swans who have gone on strike following concerns that have arisen over their royal rights due to an unexpected management takeover. Following the death of the Queen, who when not doing other stuff spent most of her free time protecting swans up and down the land, there is an understandable flapping of wings in these uncertain times. Speaking in an exclusive interview with Grace Under Pressure, negotiated only any substantial slices of bread were handed over as part of the deal, Hissing Hettie, long time resident of Windsor, revealed, "Whilst we might appear to be swimming serenly on the surface, under the water out little legs are going like the clappers. The Queen was just lovely. Well she was when she didn't bring those bloody barking Corgis with her. Brought some lovely tit bits she did in that handbag she always carried. Very useful." "But now, according to the ravens from the Tower, s...

Ecological experts have this morning concluded that the very existance of the Amazon rainforest is on the brink after the Daily Mail felled most of it to produce its 8,425page souvenier supplement following Queen Elizabeth's death on Thursday. Tentativly titlted 'Liz: Lots',  several previously unknown tribes have been revealed for the very first time after almost every tree in the entire Amazin basin was raised to the ground in order to make the supplement. The world's ink supply is also in danger as is the actual Daily Mail itself who cannot possibly hope to avoid bankrupcy for such a gargantuan edition that will still cost only £1.80 Health and safety experts have advised anyone planning to collect their copy of the Mail On Sunday in person today to think twice and only to do so if you can to 'borrow' a supermarket trolley, fork lift truck or couple of rugby second row forwards to help lift it. The final nail in the coffin for the Amazon is expected to be on ...

 

In a move that is both bold and radical, after months of planning Liz Truss has revealed how she is going to help solve the soaring price of fuel crisis this winter, within hours of ascending to the Iron Throne. In a move no one saw coming, (a bit like her becoming Prime Minister) and one which makes Rishi Sunak's attempts to give away billions during furlough seem pitiful, newly crowned PM Liz Truss will solve the enery price crisis by issuing knitting needles and a ball of wool to every citizen in the UK, together with the associated patterns to make socks, gloves, scarves and bobble hats. The wool will be available in a variety of colours provided your definition of the word variety is Tory blue. Speaking to a visible traumatised Laura Keunessberg, Prime Minister Truss explained, "The whole of the world knows that Great Britain is a nation of knitters and natterers. So let's harness that potential energy. Who need nuclear, solar or wind power when the friction generated...

  It is said that the fall from grace can often be unexpected, swift and brutal but no one who lives and moves within the corridors of power in Westminster could have forseen just how unexpected, swift and brutal it was going to be for Carrie Johnson.  What started off as a rumour, only to because a whisper that just wouldn't stay quiet, has now developed into a full blown shout of shock after grainy CCTV images thought to have been captured sometime in the past three months, show that the squeeze of the resigning PM has been reduced to stripping. When shown the footage by Grace Under Pressure a visibly shocked Chris Mason admitted he had never seen anything quite like it. "It's unbelievable, quite unbelievable. It was difficult to identify her at first as we couldn't see her face and the let's say 'unusual clothing' didn't make identification any easier. Plus that banging soundtrack of thrash metal anthems as she twisted and gyrated, stretched and plun...

  Many people might expect to feel a little down in the mouth after coming seconnd in a two horse race, but according to news reaching Grace Under Pressure not so Rishi Sunak, after losing in the Tory leadership campaign.   Climbing out of the right side of the bed after the mother of all benders on Krug chanpagne, and leaving his multimillionaire wife to have a lie in unde the 100% Egyptian cotton sheets, Rishi started the day with a few lengths of his indoor swimming pool, heated to a cosy 27 degrees by burning £100 notes. Then sliding his feet into a pair of £95 pound designer sliders  and donning a Versace cashmere dressing gown, Rishi enjoyed a breakfast of Lobster Scrambled Eggs, Cinnamon Brioche French Toast Skewers with Caviar butter, Venezuelan Chocolate Pancakes and freshly brewed ground Kopi Luwak coffee. A quick glance at the broadsheets and the massive task that faced in coming PM Liz Truss and Mr Sunak broke into a broad smile assured as he was that he ...

In breaking news that is certain to send shockwaves around the 50 states of America, the FBI has been ordered by the Supreme Court to hand back to former President Donald Trump highly senstive documents that were siezed last month in a startling dawn raid at his Mar a Lago home.  After weeks of speculation the reason the documents were described at 'top secret' and 'highly sensitive' is that their nature finally confirms to a world that already suspected as much, what a complete cockwomble had once been in charge of the United States. Amongst the items returned to 'the Donald' are a series colouring books where the former president had 'almost' managed to stay inside the lines. Sources within the Republican party believe that should Former President Trump be able to complete the picture of a dragon (which the D thinks is real) it will really help his chances should he decide to run in the 2024 election.  Grease stained take away menus for Dunkin Doughnut...

News just reaching Grace Under Pressure can reveal that her majesty Queen Elizabeth has upped the anti in her attempts not to have to crown the new leader of the Tory party on Tuesday morning.  Initial attempts to say she simply felt unwell did not deter either candidate, with both promising to find room in their busy diaries to attend the ceremonial bash at Buckingham Palace, unlike an interview with Nick Robinson. Even a midnight flit to another country, albeit it only Scotland, has failed to deter the power hungry couple who have even promised to travel on the much maligned Avanti West Coast trains in order to reach Balmoral. Or was it Balamory? Now in a last desperate attempt not to have to install either 'Zippy' or 'Bungle' as Britain's new Prime Minister, the Queen has gone off grid and is rumoured to be employing at least three body doubles, including Helen Mirren, to throw them off the scent.  At the time of going to press Paddy Power were unable to give cle...

So with the last days of meteorological summer fading fast, and with the realistation that you 'never quite' got your body beach ready, fear not because with these handy dandy tips from Grace Under Pressure we can all be in fighting fit shape for Autumn Embrace the realisation that you never need to go near the fruit andvegetable section in your local Lidl again. Never. Instead head directly for the shelves filled with calories crammed consumables and load up your trolley with the staples of pies, potatoes, pizza and proseco. Cancel the gym membership you never used, take all that dust collecting sporting equipment to the local charity shop and finally give up on trying to squeeze yourself into those lycra cycling shorts, unless like me its just for the pure pleasure of it Reduce your bills at the tanning salon by only having the bits that people will see, ie your face (from behind a scarf) turned a David Dickinson shade of orange. Although a quick hi intensity blast on the sun...

No, it is not the name of some new must watch blockbuster about to be released onto our TV screens  Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney + or even Channel 5. Rather it is my intermittant rivalry with 'Elizabeth' a fellow runner from one of the local clubs here in Nottingham. Rivaling Coe vs Ovett, Johnson vs Lewis, and the often outlandishly violent tussle between the Road Runner and Wile E Coyote, the battle between the running Rev and 'Elizabeth' has travelled the globe or at least the Peak District, over a variety of distances and terrains. Yesterday saw the latest encounter at the Great Longstone Chase fell run. And let me be clear in my chase to keep up with 'Eizabeth' I had no intention of falling. I last ran here in 2019 and came in almost 3 mins behind Elizabeth, this time it was my aim to be her very shadow around the 4.5mile course that contained almost 800ft of ascent. That's a lot of up in case you're wondering. And so on the B of the bang we, along...

Yesterday was the launch of our new Thursday Community Lunch out of East Side Methodist church as part of our attempts to be more visible and active within the local area. With the proposed local food club put on hold due to the excessive demand in another part of the town, this seemed a good alternative to provide people with a place to meet, eat and in the coming months keep warm. So we took a leap of faith, not knowing whether it would be a famine or a feast of people arriving. In the end it was neither with seven people coming to enjoy a bowl of either cream of vegetable or coriander and carrot soup with a roll and a cuppa. A steady but ultimately succesful start given our maximum capacity was 25 people.   We obviously need to get word out more in the local area despite it being promoted on various social media platforms, so that next time, fingers crossed, we reach the magical dozen.