26th September Let's get ready for a retail rumble

Forget Fury vs Joshua, Truss vs Starmer or even William vs Harry, the real heavyweight battle it taking place on our very high streets with nail bars and vape shops slugging it out to be the only shop left standing.

Early victims of sudden stoppages, knockouts or even disqualification in the battle to find the heavyweight champion of the great British high street included Poundland, McDonalds, betting shops and Wilkos. Tense quarter final matches that drew record crowds saw Holland and Barrett, Aldi, Subway and Takeaways all become victims of delayed sucker punches that left them reeling on the ropes. 

And in semi final showdowns that really saw the bigs boys get ready to rumble, early joint favourites for the title Greggs and Costa Coffee hit the canvas, the former for serving vegetarian sausage rolls, the latter for making ordering a coffee far to complicated. This left Vape salons and Nail bars as the last two bastions of modern high street retail, as increasing numbers of people just got everything delivered to the door as they just can’t be arsed to go out shopping.

Speaking exclusively to Grace Under Pressure, owner of the Vape Escape, Gizza Puff, explained his fight plan to own every square inch of footfall by revealing, "It's game over simply because we appeal right across the genders unlike nail bars which only appeal to half the population. Well unless you hapen to live in one of those places full of gender fluid metro sexuals."

His rival in the battle for the high street, Cuti Kle, owner of the Whiter Shade of Nails chain of salons disagreed, "You can order all your vaping needs off the internet whereas you can't order a poorly paid, possibly illegal, south east Asian teenage girl to give you a quick file and polish can you. Well not on the websites normal people browse anyway." 

With battle due to commence soon, it's only a matter of time before your town centre is swamped by overpowering strawberry scented nicotine enhanced vapour or the sweet sickly smell of acetone and nail dipping solutions. And you thought you'd never need those face masks again!