Grace Under Pressure 2

To quote Tom, and by that I mean Tom Jones not 'TOM', it's not unusual for me not to be able to run up the hills on the various runs I enter. It is slightly less unusual that I struggle to actually run down some of the hills due to their steep and slippery nature. Welcome to the Brassington fell run, a brutally undulating little jolly that I just about completed before it got dark on Thursday night. Almost 200 runners turned out for one of the first outings since restrictions stated to be lifted including one or two familiar faces that I recognised from previous events and with whom I have alternated either just beating or just finishing behind. Let's just say at the outset, the 'just beating' option was not an option in this event.  The actually scenery of the run was gorgeous, as we headed up to Harboro' rocks, past the wind giant turbines in Carsington pasture, then dropping down towards Carsington Waters before the final up and down back into Brassington...

The Tokyo Olympics was rocked by its first scandal today when one of the competitors in the new event of skateboarding was disqualified. This disqualification was not due to the identification of a performance enhancing drug but rather the detection of a pubic hair.  Picked up by both Clare Balding and Dan Walker in an early morning transmission, high definition 4k images revealed what was initially thought might have simply been a loose thread from the competitor's shorts. Closer examination via super slow motion replays revealed that the strand of stray silk was in fact a straggling pubic hair.   Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own wheelie wizard, international judge, Casper Flip, revealed, "Pubes are to give competitors an unfair advantage in being able to perform ollies on stairs, handrails, curbs, benches, walls and slopes.To compete whilst having them just isn't rad, sick or fire but is a strict violation of Olympic rules, regulations and ethos which j...

  Nuff said!

Following on from the example set by the German female Olympic gymnastics team, Hucknall's foremost pedestrian plodder, Ikantgofa Ster, has also resolved to desexualise himself when out pounding the pavements of the town.  Worried that his magnificent calves, stunning thighs and utterly pinchable buttocks might cause people to view him not as an over the hill athlete who looks like he may (or may not) have represented GB in Atlanta but simply as 'sex on a stick', Ikantgofa Ster, has vowed to abandon skimpy T shirts and skin light lycra leggings for exceedingly baggy jogging bottoms and oversized uni sex sweatshirt. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, Ikantgofa Ster explained, "it all became unbearable. All the wolf whistles and sexual innuendos everytime I went out for a jog. Then there was all the attempted fondling, caressing and pinching. I would come back black and blue. After a while I just couldn't run past the Methodist Women's Guild anymore. It was too da...

     A 57 year old man from Hucknall was left wondering this morning whether the only difference between his body and that of double Olympic breatstroke champion Adam Peaty was a lack of tattoos?  Catching a glimpse of his own magnificent physique in the full length mirror, whilst emerging from the bath, non swimmer, Duggie Paddle, was suddenly stuck by the similarity between his well honed body and that of the Staffordshire based swimmer. Similar except for a lack of ink. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own aquatic anomoly, Mr Paddle revealed, "Once I'd wiped all the condensation off the mirror I couldn't help but notice how, if I had a tattoo, it would be almost impossible to tell us apart down at the local baths. We could almost be twins. Adam has a Lion, I'll probably have a Lion Bar to be honest." Meanwhile Tom Daley has achieved Olympic immortality after winning a gold medal at his 4th games. Overcome with emotion Daley dissolved into a puddle of...

W ell after almost 16 months not going anywhere to see anything, TOM and I appear to have transformed from couch potatoes to culture vultures as we celebrated (not quite) Freedom Day with a double date of outings to the cinema and theatre respectively over the weekend. First up was a little jaunt to the Pomegranate Theatre in Chesterfield, a regular haunt pre pandemic, but as we drove to the venue neither TOM or I were able to recall what exactly the last thing we had seen there actually was. Perhaps this is a sign of not having caught Covid?  Anyway Thursday nights outing was to see 'Supernova' a lovely if slightly downbeat film featuring Colin Firth and Stanley Tucci. D uring a road trip around the Lake District, partners of 20 years, Sam and Tusker, are coming to terms with the fact that Tuskers's early onset dementia is rapidly robbing them of the person they both want Tusker to be. Issues of love, mortality, identity and the right to chose ones own exit from life were ...

As the author of this blog recovers from a fit of the giggles following Andrew Cotter's wonderfully dry comments during the opening Olympic ceremony, Tom Daley's chances of winning a medal were hanging by a thread today after Japanese Officials stopped the GB diver as he landed in the country on a charge of attempted budgie smuggling.  With Japan having some of the strictest custom controls in the world with regards the import of wildlife, Daley has been under the careful eye of officials 'for years' as a supected member of a gang known operating in illegal trade of budgies.  Thousands of photographs had already been collated together with video evidence of Daley brazenly smugging these tiny, tiny, tiny birds across the world under the cover of being a professional diver. But the damning piece of evidence came following a suspicious 'tweet' as he walked through the nothing to declare channel at Narita International Airport Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's ...

With three of the biggest ego on the planet currently battling to be the first one to permenantly leave it (hopefully) news is emerging that all three have been beaten to the punch by a self assuming british inventor and his canine assistant back in the late 1980's Working out of 62 West Wallaby Street, Wigan, self taught inventor, Wallace, was set on course for the space adventure by the discovery that he had run out of his favourite Wensleydale cheese, and with shelves in their local Morrisons out of fresh supplies, decided to go and source it at the source, for we all know that the moon is in fact made of cheese. Second by second grainy footage of this adventure was captured on what historians are referring to as 'VHS tape' an ancient recording devide that was common in the 1980's. Building a rocket to fly to the moon, as Wallace and his canine companion Gromit, began sampling and gathering cheese, they encountered a coin-operated Robot. It is thought by many consp...

Having confounded hair stylists for more than a decade and been immune to innumerable products, pastes and potions, aerodynamic experts have finally concluded that Boris Johnson's 'dragged through a hedge backwards' look is as a result of the turbulance caused by so many rapid U turns. Unsure if he is coming or going, the man who has flip flopped more than a beach load of tourists in Magaluf, has constantly appeared on out TV screens looking like a bedragled Worsel Gummidge who had been holding an electrostatic generator. "It's all to do with the apparent distribution of Boris' follicles compounded by the whisp nature of his actual barnet," explained wind tunnel approved aerodynamics expert, Professor Turb Ulance. "Given the rapid speed with which Mr Johnson is constantly making U turns, the G forces exerted on his head are roughly three times those experienced by Lewis Hamilton during a formula one race. His head only stays on because it is so unbele...

Scousers on all sides of Stanley Park were being told to 'calm down, calm down' today after the disappointment of hearing World heritage organization UNESCO has confirmed that the city's heritage will soon be removed from the history books. All this is as a result of the city council's decision to develop the waterfront rather than simply letting it go to rack and ruin and turn into a Merseyside version of Angkor Wat. Liverpudlians have long banged on about things that happened ages ago or people who died before most of Grace Under Pressure's readers were born. Now all traces of historical heritage are going to be removed. What this means in practice is that all references to The Beatles, Cilla Black, the Champions League final of 2005, the Diddy men, Skiffle bands, the Albert Dock, Brookside, Stan Boardman, the Ferry cross the Mersey, the Liver Birds (statues and TV series), the Toxteth riots, the Grand National, John Conteh and Alan Bleasdale will b...

  With the world still reeling from last weeks tragic news that Richard Branson has returned successfully to earth following his trip to space, now humanity has to face the devastating realisation that bald billionaire Jeff Bezos’ trip to the edge of space has also passed without a hitch and he too has returned as planned. After ground control crews and governments around the world had switched off all forms of communication, it had been hoped that having received no answer from its intended destination after waiting 5 seconds, the automatic landing system on the spacecraft would have reset to default Amazon Prime mode and delivered the package to the nearest neighbour. Which in this case would have been the moon.  Unfortunately turning off technology failed and waiting press teams were forced to watch a perfect touchdown followed several minutes later by a beaming Bezzos, who had been launched into space in a rocket that looked like a giant cock, emerge from the capsule to ...

With three days to go before the opening ceremony of the Tokyo Olympics actually takes place, Team GB is already putting down an early marker in the Covid 19 infection table with eight self isolations. Closest rival South Africa is struggling way behind with a mere three infections whilst the superpower of the USA have barely even got out of their starting blocks with a pathetic one. Team GB's prospects were dealt a blow pre games when the owner of the nation's favourite long distance tickly cough, Mo Farah, failed to meet the qualifying standard . But the rest of the team appear to have got off the mark before the B of the BANG, with the head of UK athletics, Hopskippe N'Jump, revealing that Team GB was already way ahead of predictions with gold medal covid self isolation performances at check in, on the plane and in the athletes village. Further strong showings are expected in the warm up areas and competition venues at multiple locations around the city over the next ...

So on Saturday night it was one giant leap for mankind and one small tram journey for 'TOM' and I, as we heading back to the theatre after an absence of over 16 months. The last thing we had been to see was back in Feb 2020 when we put on our glad rags to see 'National Trevor', Sandi Togsvik at the Theatre Royal. Now it was the turn of Edith Piaf at a Covid secure Nottingham Playhouse. Settled into our seats with masks loosely in situ we both both rather surprised to see the stage suddenly flooded with a cast of about 10 performers; surprised because we had both been under the impression that it was a one woman show. Still in for a penny. After 16 months away it was initially a little surreal,  especially discovering that French songbird, Edith Piaf had been given an accent that wouldn't hve been out of place in the Queen Vic on East Ender and a potty mouth that made Adele's stage banter look positively tame in comparison. I even had to double check with TOM at ...

With the prospect of a Venti Caramel Frappe from Costabucks costing close to £1,500 as a result of the new proposed sugar tax, sweet tooth caffeine consumers up and down the country are caught in a calories vs cash conundrum. A similar dilemma faces lard arsed lovers of Pringles with a single tube of God's greatest gift expected to cost close to grand. With rising rates of obesity in the UK, Tory fat cats have looked at ways to address the issue of both sugar and salt in food in order to improve diets, particularly among those on low incomes who might be attracted to junk food. Unfortunately this proposed health measure means that the poorest families will now be forced to chose between a weeks holiday for 4 in Skegness and a single coffee and crisp blowout.  Speaking on behalf of Costabucks, company spokesperson, Frappa Latte, explained " As a company that puts profits before health we are totally onboard with this government initiative and had promosed to reduce the sugar c...

With Boris Johnson unable to go back on his word, having promised the country that easing of lockdown restrictions will be irreverible, Tory PLC has been investigating other methods of imposing a lockdown by stealth.  Remember back in 2014, when rock group U2 managed to download a copy of their new album 'Songs of Inocence' onto every Apple mobile phone, without even asking whether owners wanted the download or not? Well boffins and geeks at GCHQ certainly do and have decided that the way to cut down Covid transmission rates is by simply downloading a copy of their utterly magnificent new Test & Trace app 'Ping' onto every mobile phone, tablet, laptop and computer in the country. An app that cannot be deleted, disabled or swtiched off.  And then by the simple click of a mouse, everyone who owns a mobile device or computer will be 'Pinged' whether they have come into close contact with an infected person or not and i mmediatly ordered to self isolate. And vo...

Yesterday was St Swithin's day and according to traditional folklore, whatever the weather is like on St Swithin's Day - whether rain or sunshine - it will continue for the next 40 days and 40 nights. So it looks like I'd better prepare for some grim overcast mornings turning to lovely afternoon sunshine, by finding my rain coat and the Factor 50. St Swithin's Day is also the title of one of my favourite Billy Bragg songs, a searingly honest and yet at the same time beautifully poignant song about the fallout from a failing relationship. So a day late, but better late than never. Thinking back now I suppose you were just stating your views What was it all for ? For the weather or the Battle of Agincourt And the times that we all hoped would last Like a train they have gone by so fast And though we stood together At the edge of the platform We were not moved by them   With my own hands When I make love to your memory It's not the same I miss the thunder ...

Hucknall's emergency services were almost called out just after 7am yesterday when delusional Tokyo hopeful, Ivor Stitch, attempted to multi task in order to kill two birds with one stone. Instead he almost came face to face with his own mortality upon discovering that trying to run, breath, talk and video himself at the same time was one challenge to many.  Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, local farmer, Getoffmy Land, revealed, "It was my two dogs that became unsettled at first, barking ferociously as they no doubt picked up on the initial high pitched asthmatic wheeze. Then as the sound changed, at first I thought either one of my ewes had gone into labour or that one of my prize bullocks was in its final death throws." "The noise was almost primeval in nature and just kept getting louder and louder across the fields. It was only as 'it' came over the top of the hill like a monster in slow motion that I realised it was just some completely unfit pedestrian...

In a safeguarding case that has rocked the world of football, Sweet Caroline was arrested by police at Wembley stadium after nearly 60,000 witnesses there at the ground and millions suffering on TV accused her of ' reaching out and touching Hans ' during Sunday evenings game.  Quite what Sweet Caroline was doing at the game, remains unclear, but it has been rumoured she had flown in from America having just broken up from her partner, Cracklin' Rosie , who was dressed forever in blue jeans . The presence of Hans at the game also remains a mystery as his home country of Germany had already been knocked out of the competition. Some have suggested he was the Jazz Singer booked for the post match entertainment. With her love on the rocks (ain't no surprise), Sweet Caroline was seen, apparently drunk on red, red wine , just before kick off, consoling herself with a song sung blue , weeping like a willow. " You don't bring me flowers anymore ," one passerby h...

  So the day after the day before when the bubble got burst, the question is are you worried that one of your flag parading neighbours is not really an true Eng-er-land supporter but just a plain old racist using the flag of St George as camoflage? Not sure, then why not just get them to take Grace Under Pressure's 'easy peasy it might make you queasy 'Are U a racist? test Question 1 Do you a) cheers Raheem Sterling when he scores a goal or b) send him death threats if he takes the knee? Question 2 Do you applaud Marcus Rashford when he gets free school meals for kids or b) send him racial tweets when he misses a penalty? Question 3 Do do applaud and commend Mason Mount for donating his shirt to a fan after the Denmark game or b) point out and condemn on various social media platforms just how selfish, self centered and st uck up their own a%$£s  Jaydon Sancho and Bukayo Sakaare are for refusing point blank to give the girl anything at all? Question 4  Do you say its a...

  Sunday night 7.50pm  Sunday night 8.02pm   Sunday night 9.15pm  Sunday night 9.45pm    Sunday night 10pm Monday morning 6.00am

                                             John Stones and Harry McQuire ready for kick off With a police crackdown to prevent yet more laser pens being shone in the eyes of opposition goalkeepers, die hard Eng-er-land fans dsperate for a win at all costs, have decided to go old school for the final against Italy. And by old school we mean back to the last time Eng-er-land appeared in a major final prior to 1966, which was 1066, a fixture that yet again they lost. "People are describing it as a real David and Goliath contest,” said England supporter, Ray Cyst Bloke, "so we might as well use slings to fire small jagged rocks at the head of our opponents. I means it's in the bible so it's almost like God telling us to do it. And everyone know the bible was written by Eng...

In breaking news Grace Under Pressure can confirm that in response to England having reached the final of the European Championships, all terrestrial TV channels have adjusted their plans to ensure that their coverage of the event makes the wall to wall reporting of Prince Philip's death seem momentary in conparison. Except it will feature Gary Lineker instead of Nicholas Witchell.  Even programs that will not be about the actual match will be football themed. Songs of Praise wil feature Aled Jones singing a series of football chants including, 'The referee's a b%$£"&b' and 'You're gonna get our f*&^%$g head kicked in', whilst to Novak Djokovic's surprise, the Wimbledon Men's singles final, will see tie breakers replaced by penalty shoot outs. Even as you read this, coverage has already begun with Charlie Stayt and Naga Munchetti interviewing anyone who has ever been to Italy, eaten any Italian food or can point to Italy on a map on BBC ...

So indulging in my regular practise of trying to listen to something different each time I go out in the car, yesterday whilst driving across to 'TOM's' it was a little trip down memory lane with John Martyn. Possessing one of the most world weary and emotive voices I have ever heard, John Martyn is resonsible for one of my all time favourite songs, the stunning 'Couldn't love you more' but it was this particular tune that caught my ear yesterday, one that captures John's unique voice and guitar playing, the wonderful 'Fisherman's Dream'. And then as is often the case, just like Alice in Wonderland, I found myself disappearing down the Youtube rabbit hole of cover versions where I stumbled down across this beautiful country tinged cover by Ulton Conlan. Sit back, enjoy and drift away to dream...    

Following the transformation of Bobby Seagull and Eric Monkman from cult favourites on University Challenge to TV presenters, Grace Under Pressure can be the first to reveal that Professor Chris Whitty and Sir Patrick Vallance are rumoured to have signed a deal with Channel 4 to host a new Saturday night prime time entertainment show. Having struck up a spontaneous double act co-hosting the governments daily Covid briefings on the BBC, with lockdown restrictions coming to an end, the dynamic duo have seized the opportunity to become the next pair to make the leap from brain box to Telly Box. Channel 4 spokesperson, Dodgi Content, revealed "Many have thought Chris and Patrick have been the real breakout stars of the whole pandemic, with the nation waiting with baited breath each night to hear the three words everyone who has been isolating has needed to hear..."next slide please.' Together they’ve captured the nation’s heart with their ability not only to deliver ab...

As the nation hunkers down in front of its TV sets and the streets of England look like the opening scene from Danny Boyle's '28 Days Later' film, here are just some of the thing your Mum might say to interupt your uninterupted coverage Which one’s Steve McManaman? Oh I do like his hair when he runs with the ball. Why are they still kneeling? Hasn't all that Black Lives Matter stuff stopped since they sent that policeman to prison? I'd never be able to get up with the state of my knees. What's happened to Gareth Southgate's waistcoats? Oh I thought he looked really dapper. Your dad used to wear a three-piece suit with a watch when first took me out and oh my word it got me so horny. I couldn't wait to get my hands on his timepiece. It’s a shame it’s only Denmark. You would have thought that for a semi final they could have got one of the biggger, more well known, teams to play against Why does that Harry Kane speak like that? Is he on medication? Or...

Call it a leap of faith before the bubble might potentially burst tomorrow night, but Grace Under Pressure has received reports that Three Lions co authors David Baddiel and Frank Skinner have been busy splashing the cash as the entire nation simultaneously downloads their song With Saturday night’s victory in Rome resulting is an outbreak of mass delusion more infective than the delta varient, one that has ensured at least another 50 billion plays of the 90’s classic, sofa pals Baddiel and Skinner are now so absolutely minted that nothing is out of reach of their spending power. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's often offside official, famous footy fan, Itskumin Ome, revealed, "At the start of the Euros you might have heard the occasional play on the radio, but now it's like it;s the only record thats ever been recorded. If it's not on your radio, it's on someone elses, or being played in a pub beer garden, or you'll catch a snippet of it from an open window...

Lawyers for Bill Cosby have woken up every morning for the past week to find their email in boxes and mobile answer phones absolutely jammed with messages from Rolf Harris, Harvery Wienstien and Gary Glitter, all seeking to secure their services. With news emerging of the dramatic release of Bill Cosby, for no good reason other than the fact that prosecution lawyers appear to have inserted a full stop instead of a comma in a legal document, Grace Under Pressure now understands that Gary Glitter, currently serving a prison sentence of 16 years at HMP The Verne in Portland, Dorset, has began to wonder if its time for a 70's revival and whether any of Mr Crosby's legal team now want to be in his gang With the release of a man who has been accused by up to 60 different women of different forms of sexual assault and abuse and who openly admitted to drugging and having sex with incapacitated women. a light at the end of the tunnel has suddenly appeared for a whole host of sex offe...

It only comes round once a year so why not. On this the 4th of July, this is Bruce Springsteen and two wonderful versions of one of my favourite songs of his. 'Independence Day', a song about fathers and sons, the things that bind them together and the things that drive them apart. The first a band version involving crown sing along, the second a beautiful stripped back version with just Bruce and the piano.  

Princes William and Harry were united in their confusion on Wednesday after unveiling a statue of their mother which seemed to suggest a missing sibling.  Thankfully for all those watching, their years of training in Royal matters ensured that they managed to maintain straight faces after removing the bedsheets to reveal a statue of Diana that looked a little bit like her if you had only ever seen here on grainy CCTV images. And had never seen an image of Theresa May. But the mask quickly slipped when a mystery third child was noticed. "Well that obviously me as the family favourite at the front," William was overheard to say, " I mean just look at the way dear Mummy is laying her hand on my shoulder. And that one at the back is obviously you Harry, the runt of the litter, sulking and pouting and threatening to throw your toys out of the pram just cause you didn't get your way. A portent of how things would develop as it turns out."  "But who is that other ...

They say that every picture tells a story and it's true. This first picture for example shows an athlete in his prime, bounding up an incredibly steep and slippery hillside on the outskirts of Sheffield with all the grace and enthusiasm of a seasoned fell runner. Barely breathing, managing to maintain superb form, it looks almost effortless. This is a picture of a man in peak physical condition making the difficult look ridiculously easy, having left other runners trailing in his wake and barely in shot. Yet click back a frame or two and you get this picture. An image of a man who is playing the role of the gallant gentleman by letting this young lady go first. Or is it an image of a man wondering why on earth was he doing this and how much longer was this hill going to go on for? An image of a man whose devious mind thinks nothing of, having spotting a photographer just ahead on the trail, simply breaking into a very short strategic jog so as to appear to actually be running. An i...