7th July A Mum's guide to interupting the Denmark vs England game


As the nation hunkers down in front of its TV sets and the streets of England look like the opening scene from Danny Boyle's '28 Days Later' film, here are just some of the thing your Mum might say to interupt your uninterupted coverage

Which one’s Steve McManaman? Oh I do like his hair when he runs with the ball.

Why are they still kneeling? Hasn't all that Black Lives Matter stuff stopped since they sent that policeman to prison? I'd never be able to get up with the state of my knees.

What's happened to Gareth Southgate's waistcoats? Oh I thought he looked really dapper. Your dad used to wear a three-piece suit with a watch when first took me out and oh my word it got me so horny. I couldn't wait to get my hands on his timepiece.

It’s a shame it’s only Denmark. You would have thought that for a semi final they could have got one of the biggger, more well known, teams to play against

Why does that Harry Kane speak like that? Is he on medication? Or is he one of them special needs kids? Do they have to have one in each team nowadays?

Can you just explain the offside rule and VAR one more time for me?

I don't beleive that story about Gary Lineker, do you?  You know the one where he's suposed to have s%$t himself on the pitch! He wouldn't do that kind of thing. I follow him on Twit but I do wish he stick to foootball and not all that political nonesense he goes on about.

Come on, come on, ooh, yes thats it...GOOOOOOOOOOOAL. Oh was that Denmark! Well how was I supposed to know?

I don't think they had half of these countries when I was a girl. Some sound as if they've just been made up. And now half of them are in Eurovision too. And as for that Rylan who presents in now. Why can't thay have nice Graham Norton doing it. What is the world coming too, I don't know

And why do they have all those tattoos. It makes them look common. You won't be able to tell what it is when the skin starts to sag. I mean can you make out what this is on my chest anymore?

You Dad said he used to enjoy a big bath together after the game. He liked to sit there with a cup of te and a fag.  Now they've taken all the fun out of it by filling it with ice. Ice is for a gin and tonic not a bath.

Can I turn over for Emmerdale yet?

Oooh! What a shame. Does that mean football's not coming home now?

Never mind, love. Any chance of a cup of tea?

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