Grace Under Pressure 2

Something simple and sublime. This is Carole King and the wonderfully appropriate 'The first day in August' On the first day in August I want to wake up by your side After sleeping with you On the last night in July   In the morning We'll catch the sun rising And we'll chase it from the mountains To the bottom of the sea   When the day is over And the night air comes to chill us You'll build a fire And we'll watch the flames dancing   You'll fall asleep With your arm around my shoulder And nothing will come between us On the first night in August The first day in August

A 58 year old man from Hucknall is threatening to sue the company that installed the full length mirror in his bedroom after noticing that his head to toe reflection did not reveal him to be the Adam Peaty look a like he mentally thinks he is.  Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, recreational swimmer ,Doggie Paddle, revealed that he had always thought that his beach ready body and that of double Olympic gold medalist Adam Peaty were 'almost identical'. Until this morning that is. "It was a bit of a shock standing there in my skimpy budgie smugglers, " admitted Mr Paddle, "I mean I know Adam hasn't been able to train for over two months due to a broken foot and might have let himself go a bit but the difference between us was still striking." "I thought at first that they must have installed one of t hose mirrors you get at the fairground that distorts the proportions of the human body, but a quick phone call to the company revealed that wasn't the...

Having received critisism for fielding an all white team in the current Euro championships, today the female supporters of the Lionesses have been on the end of a backlash from their male counterparts for not being true supporters of England. With only a day left before the final against Germany,  Eng-er-land supporter, Itz Cuminome, spoke exclusively to Grace Under Pressure about the lack of true patriotism shown by female supporters. "My missis claime she is a fan but she says she's not willing to shove a distress flare up her NuNu and turn myself into a human Roman candle in support of the team. Neither it appears does she intend to make any statements to make about the parentage of the referee and her assistants. Nor does she intend  to stand shirtless for the whole duration of the game in sub zeo temperatures, assuming she hasn't got arrested for being drunk and disorderly or trying to storm the stadium and so missed the match completely" "it's all very ...

 

There is for many people a sense that nostalgia isn't what it used to be. So the question was whether a trip back to Wigan, where I was born and brought up, would be a treat or a trauma?  It would be a chance to drive round familiar surroundings, run along familiar wooded trails, walk along familiar streets, hear familiar accents, visit familiar places and catch up with my sister after an absense of several years. An AirBnB less than a km away from where I used to live and 5 mins walk from the town centre proved an ideal base for a few nights, especially as it was itself within a stones throw of the main London to Glasgow train line, offering the 'soothing' sounds of trains rushing by every 30 mins or so, as did as did the house I grew up in. So whilst is has been good to do all of the above things, especially catching up with my newly retired sister, as well as providing a welcome break from my usual day to day routine, it was a real shock to my system to visit the town ce...

In a dramatic attempt not to have to listen to either Rishi Sunak mansplaining or Lis Truss droning on and on and on about tax cuts, Talk TV presenter Kate McCann took matters into her own hands in a way that Krishnan Guru-Murthy and Sophie Raworth can only dream about by throwing herself violently to the floor in an attempt to knock herself unconscious and bring another blue on blue boreathon to a swift end. Dropping to the ground with the same dramatic effect of Ronaldo being hit by a wisp of wind or the shadow from a cloud passing overhead, McCann's conversation curtailer saw an instant soaring in TV ratings with many people commenting on Twitter that this was the kind of thing that the leadership debates had been sadly missing. At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure is able to confirm that either leadership candidate rushed to Kate McCann's aid with initial reports suggesting Rishi Sunak not wanting to get any blood on his very, very, very expensive Prada shoes ...

Coastguards along the south of Engand coast line have reported a bout of bizzare behaviour from new arrivals in this country, illegally trafficked across the channel by people smugglers. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, RNLI spokesperson, Shi Prek revealed. "We've seen people lining up on the side of the boat almost as if they were in a swimming race before plunging over the side into the icy waters to then thrash their way to shore. The first one on dry land then instantly removes the rubber cap from his or her head before slapping their hand repeatedly on the surface of the water whilst hooping and whooping like an excited child." "Other are waiting until their feet touch the sandy shores before beginning to run up and down the beach over and over again for approximatly, 5km, 10km or in some instances even a full marathon as fast as they can. One or two families have been seen taking it in turns to run, passing a piece of washed up driftwood to one another as they...

Following the demise a few months ago of David McKee, creator of the beloved 1970's children's TV show Mr Benn, insiders at Westminster seem convinced that in a supernatural act that even clairvoyant Derek Acorah did not see coming, Liz Truss is actually channeling the spirit of the dead cartoon character as she hits the hustings in a variety of increasing wierd and wonderful outfits. Appearing to spend far more time planning what she is going to wear rather than what is going to come out of her mouth, Ms Truss is expected to appear up and down the land dresses as a r ed knight, hunter, clown, balloonist, wizard, spaceman, cook, caveman, zoo keeper, diver, cowboy, Aladdin, pirate and a gladiator. Those lucky enough to get to hear Ms Truss twice in the same ocation will be blessed with seemless costume changes, (as opposed to seemless costumes) that would put Lady GaGa to shame Visiting the north of England Ms Truss is expected to wear clogs, a shawl and carry a whippet tucked ...

Having not managed to get away at all during the past two years due to the Covid pandemic, the Braithwaite family from Nottingham were really looking forward to their long weekend away at Euro Disney.  Instead they spent their 72hr bargain break inching imperceptibly slowly at the speed of a glacier along the M20, whilst the almost continuous use of their cars AC produced an equivalent Carbon footprint to what would have been geneated if they had flown to Jamaica. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own roadside assistant, mother of three, Matha Braithwaite tried to look on the brightside "We've met all sorts of lovely people, some of them not even in tears or threatening to kill the fellow passangers in their vehicle. The kids have caught up on the back log of DVD's we always carry in the car, but which they never watch. We even revisited my childhood with a game of I spy which helped to while away an hour or two, athough we did have to ban use of the letters C a...

  9yr old Kyle Smethurst of Matlock woke up yesterday alongside millions of other birhday boys wondering why their photograph did not grace the front pages of most of the nation's newspapers just like some kid from Windsor called George. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own photogenic cherub (winner of Butlin's beautiful baby 4 years on the run) Kyle tried to explian the similarities between himself and George. "My Mam and Dad live off state benefits and so do his. He's got a sister who thinks she's the beez knees and a little bruver who a right attention seeker. I've got a prima donna for a sister and our Jason's bound to be on Jeremy Kyle before he's 6. His great grandma likes horse racing and my great grandma practically lives in the local bookies. And his great uncle Andrew like his girlfriends a bit on the young side whilst my Uncle Bert was always rumoured to be a bit too friendly with his hands." "Still at least my Mam n Dad ...

Fresh from her stunning achievement of coming second place in a three horse race, Liz Tuss woke up this morning to begin the next step in transforming herself into Margaret Thatcher. 2.0 Having dipped her toes in the waters of a 24hr makeover during the recent TV debates in which she tried to convince the nation that 1980's fashions were actually back in fashion, earlier today she spoke to Martha Kearney on the Today program to catagorically deny she was attempting to turn into the Iron Lady,  “Aside from wearing identical clothes, trying to speak deeper, less hastily, quoting St Francis of Assissi like she did and slowly but surely achieving the same hairstyle, I am in no way trying to emulate Margaret Thatcher,” she insisted. "As my political record will show I am certainly a woman who is not for turning. Well apart from that video of me as a 19 year old fervant anti monarchist at University compared to today when I am the Queen's biggest supporter. Oh yes an...

Having used the hallowed pages of his beloved Daily Mail newspaper as a template on how, when and with whom he should live his life, 76 year old, Ivan Opinion, is now adding 'drinking lots of water' to the list of things he does not trust, beleiving it is all just part of a new woke agenda . Speaking exclusively to Grace Under Pressure, Ivan Opinion explained his latests conspiracy theory, "I am already made up of 60% water why should I add anymore? Surely that is just going to dilute who I am and I'll become the genetic equivalent of a cucumber. It's all very suspicious to me and is just another example of the Nanny State trying to tell me what to do. You don't see Novax Djokovic knocking back litres and litres of water when on Centre Court in all that heat and he's very sensible about his own health." " And when you think about it, what exactly is water, where does it comes from, what's in it and why is is suddenly so important to drink i...

There is nothing like the' hottest day ever' to bring different generations together as to what or should that be who is to blame for the current climatic chaos. 76 yrs old Kelvin Degrees was quick to point the finger of blame at the small and perpetually angry Greta Thunberg. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own damp depression, he explained, "The environmentally conscious Swede is responsible for the current heatwave based on the fact that she predicted it was going to happen. You think its just a coincidence that she starts to talk about it and then suddenly it happens. Conspiracy things like that only happen in the movies." "I think when historians look back at her they will take a very dim view of her prophesising this catastrophy into being. We never had any of this hot weather before she came along and just made it all happen by talking about it. And now where is she, yes thats right living way up north up in Skandiland or Ikea or one of those...

As Britain is melting quicker than a 99 in the hands of a toddler, there's always one who complains more than the rest.

I n a novel twist, one that is hoped will boost the nations flagging interest, the remaining (or Brexit favouring) five in the Tory leadership race will be whittled down to a final two via a Squid Games elimination challenge.  After being forced to listen to endless drivel about 'he said / she did / I promise / you broke promises' that just bored the pants off even the most ardent true blue, chair of the 1922 committee Sir Brady Graham has decided its time to add a little bit of spice to the contest in order to give the public what they really want. Blood. Rather than have to face a tepid Krishnan Guru Murthy or a not very inquizatorial Julie Etchingham, potential PM's will have to run the gaultlet of answering questions from a 12ft high giant doll with a rotating head that fires bullets from machine guns if any of the candidates move....move away from speaking the truth or from actually answering the question they have been asked. The remaining quartet of survivors would t...

A state of regional panic has been declared in the north of England after meterologist announced an extreme weather warning for next week.  Whilst large parts of the country are busy taking precations against the expected 40 degree temperatures, residents of Manchester are reported to be experiencing extreme levels of anxiety as they face up to the nightmare scenario that there will be absolutely no rain on Monday and Tuesday next week. Speaking exclusively to Grace Under Pressure, resident Mancunian and singer in part time Oasis tribute band, Lame Gallager revealed, "Sun-shiiiiiiine is f&%$*£g mint innit but its gonna ruin the summer if we have two days wi' no rain. People travel from half a world away cause they 'ave a bang to rights guarantee that the weather in Manc is going to be rank."  "It's in all the guidebooks, come to Manchester and get soaked. Even in July. Now we 'ave the threat of 48 hours wi' no rain at all. It's all gonna kick...

Whichever candidate you already favour or could throw your support behind at a later date might well depend on how catchy their little campaign slogan is.  Whether it's Mr Sunak's Ready for Rish!, Tom Tugendhat's 'TOM: A Clean Start', Penny Maurdant's 'PM4PM',  Liz Truss' 'Liz for leader' or Kemi Badenhock's rather unimaginative 'Kemi for Prime Minister', anyone in the running for the top job needs a short snappy slogan thats says something about their qualifications for the position in just a few memorable words. All of which makes political pub pundits up and down the country beg the question why Culture and Media Secretary Nadine Dorries did not make a run for the vacant leader of the Tory party? After all with the very catchy and memorable slogan  'GoNad' she would certainly have shown her rivals she had the balls for the top job.

So after two years and almost four months or should I say a total of 850 days of managing to dodge the Covid bullet, this morning I tested positive.   Despite having tested negative last week and again at the weekend, today the double pink line emerged in full fury. And one thing is for certain; all those other times when I thought I might have picked it up since March 2020, well I now know that I didn't. I have the usual signs, a banging head that would grace the worst hangover, an irritating cough, fever filled attempts at sleep and general body ache, (which isn't particularly new...lol) but it means I am out of action now for the next few days for anything that is face to face. It also means no trip across to TOM's and no running in th Crich Monument trail run on Saturday.  But let's look on the positive side...at least it isn't Man-flu.

In an attempt to 'level up' fifty, fat and f%$&£d Barry Toppins of Sherwood, Nottingham is brining to court a case that would make it illegal for people to gaze hypnotically at his wobbling midriff, as if in a trance, whenever he attempts a 1km run on the treadmill at his local gym. With 'upskirting' and now 'down blousing' being registered as criminal offences, 50 yr old Barry is keen to have 'paunch perusing' added to the list of illegal activities. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own midline spreader, Barry revealed, "It was getting difficult to concentrate on my running form with the crowd that started to assemble to just stare and make suggestive comments."  "At one point I almost dropped my Doritoes and spilled my pint due to the level of verbal abuse. One said it was like watching a living lava lamp or a jelly moulded in human form. They constantly objectify my paunch," he continued, patting his midriff and set...

After an endless wait that had literally no one sat on the edge of their seats or holding their breath,Grace Under Pressure can reveal the final list of candidates who have made it through to the second ballot to elect the new leader of the Conservative party. And it is no surprise to those within and outside of the Tory party to see some familar names still in the running.  Making the cut having acquired the support of 20 loyal followers are Ming the Merciless, Dr Evil, Dick Dasterdly, Lord Voldermort, Professor James Moriarty, Sauran, The Daleks, Freddie Kruger and last but by no means least the Wicked Witch of the West.  Just like in the Grand National there were also a string of heavily backed runners and riders who didn't make it over this first fence with Ghengis Khan, Keyser Soze, T-100 Terminator, the Sheriff of Nottingham, Darth Vader and Pennywise the Clown all being deemed not right wing enough to lead the Tory party by their fellow MP's. Meanwhile in breaking news ...

Whilst all the other candidates in the Tory leadership election appear to be focussed on tax, more tax and nothing but tax, Home Secretary and part time demon, Priti Patel, has decided to launch her campaign be focussing on another crutial issue: deporting Sir Mo Farah back to wherever it is he came from. Following revelations today that Mo Farah, and let's be honest is that even his real name, entered the country illegally as a child, sources close to Priti Patel believe that she has found the issue that will gather even more support amongst the true blue part faithful than getting Brexit done or cutting taxes for anyone earning over £100,000 a year. When Ms Patel launched her own campaign with a slick three minute video, many people thought they has inadvertantly stumbled upon a screening of the Japanese horror movie The Ring, in which a demon possessed woman emerges out of a TV screen. It was in fact Priti's tribute to the movie and her attempt to just get up close and perso...

TOM and I have just finished (and enjoyed) a series on BBC 4 entitled The Thatcher Years. Not I hasten to add because either of us are died in the wool true blues, far from it, but simply because it was a nostalgic trip back down memory lane through the political landscape of the 1980.  And then I just happen to hear this, one of my favourite ever songs by Simply Red, sung by Manchester's favourite ginger, Mick Hucknall, who just happens to possess one of the best voices I have ever heard live in concert.  What I didn't know was that as well as being a beautiful tune, 'Wonderland' is in fact a political critique of Margaret Thatcher's policy to try to allow more people to buy their own house but at the same time crippling those people with unimaginable debts as interest rates rise sky rocketted from 3%-15% in less than a year. Far from offering a wonderland she created a hell on earth for millions trapped in a financial nightmare from which many never woke up. On a ...

The field of runners and riders in the race to become the next Worst Prime Minister in History continues to grow with omnipresent bookmaker Paddy Power calling the race too close to call.  Whoever is elected to become the new Worst Prime Minister in History will replace Boris 'Phwar!' Johnson, the current Worst Prime Minister in History, who replaced the previous Worst Prime Minister in History, Theresa 'Dancing Queen' May, who in turn replaced the previous Worst Prime Minister in History, David 'Porky' Cameron. According to Ivor Fetish, Minister for Deviant Behaviour and Sexual Impropriety, the new Worst Prime Minister in History should be in place by Autumn and might well involve a process of really scrapping the bottom ofthe barrel to top the moral incompetence shown by the current incumbant. Thankfully the Tory party appear to have an endless supply of ethically vacuous talent to choose from. Amongst the front runner to be the Worst Prime Minister in Hist...

With journalism having decided the job wasn't quite for him, the city of London having breathed a collective sigh when he left office and now the Tory party (and nation) having dumped him out of both job, home and wedding celebration venue, keen observors in Westminster might have caught a sneak previw of Boris Johnson's next career move Having been able to make what he thinks is a top class cabinet from people who for the past two and a half years he not only deemed not good enough for a cabinet post, but didn't even know their names, food analysts are wondering if Boris would be able to do the same thing for those living in food poverty by utilising all those forgotten things at the back of a store cupboards, drawers and fridges to make a palatable dish just like Ainsley Harriott. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, conservative calorie counter, Eton Mess revealed, " If Boris can take one Robert Buckland, add in a dollop of Greg Clark, Kit Malthouse and James Cleverly...

  Hopefully this is what all the prospective candidates for the Tory Leadership are doing today before as they consider whether they have the moral and ethical character worthy of leading not just a political party but a nation.

In breaking news Microsoft spokesman, Ivan Appforthat, has revealed that according to the companies  latest statistical analysis and algorhythms , the most widely used app in its Office portfolio, is the new template called' the Pincher' one that can be used to enable ministers and behind the scenes minnions to draft a resignation letter from the Conservative govenment. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, Ivan Appforthat explained, "Only launched earlier this week, the download rate has been remarkable especicallly within the offices in the Houses of Parliament. At one point it was almost one an hour. Designed to be perfect for sinking ships deserting a rat, the basic resignation template of 'The Pincher' comes with online help from office assistant Clippy, who has recently updated its databases with a stunning new collection of rhetorical put downs, withering one liners and character assasinating cliches. Plus it has the usual speeling and grandmar checks to ensure ...

  Mercer...Geidt...Dowden...Javid...Sunak... “It’s all collapsing like a house of c***s.” (insert word of your choice here) The question is just how can Raab, Truss, Patel and the rest of the cabinet clowns still claim to have confidence in this complete cockwomble?

For the past couple of months I have been trying to follow a half marathon running program that came as part of my new all singin' all dancin' Garmin running watch. It's one that sets different runs four times a week and then offers 'feedback' as to how well things are going. Or not as the case may be...read on It's been a fun thing to try despite not quite being what I wanted. A program designed for a trail half marathon that involved some hills would have been good but hey it's better than nothing. So its got me out and about 4 times a week, either on my own or as part of one of the local runnning groups, which is certainly more than I would normally do and has added variety to my usual pedestrian plodding pace. Amazingly on occasions the watch has even told me to slow down!!! There have been easy runs (which have never been easy), long runs (which have never been long) speed repeats (which have not been particularly speedy) progression runs (which have se...

After being found to have knocked the ball on when mixing up her Jonny Wilkinsons with her Ellery Hanleys during a recent speech, Culture secretary Nadine Dorries has continued to show her encyclopaedic knowledge of UK sports as she revealed some of here favourite moments from the past in an exclusive with Grace Under Pressure. “ OMG don't you just love Wimbledon," revealed the women who greatest sporting achievement has been eating an Ostrich's anus live on TV. "The champagne, the strawberries, the buckets of Pimms, spotting celebrities in the Royal enclosure and just sitting on that big grassy hill in the rain watching a giant TV showing Sue Barker talking to someone I think I recognise but really don't. It's what great sport is all about."  "I have even heard that if you manage to move away from the corporate hospitality tents there's a competition going as to find out who can grunt the loudest. As for my personal favourite Wimbledon momen...

 Who would have thought it all those years ago? And a great reason to play this.... I'll protect you from the hooded claw Keep the vampires from your door   Ay, ay, ay, ay Feels like fire I'm so in love with you Dreams are like angels They keep bad at bay, bad at bay Love is the light Scaring darkness away, yeah I'm so in love with you Purge the soul Make love your goal   The power of love A force from above Cleaning my soul Flame on, burn desire Love with tongues of fire Purge the soul Make love your goal   I'll protect you from the hooded claw Keep the vampires from your door When the chips are down I'll be around With my undying, death-defying love for you Envy will hurt itself Let yourself be beautiful Sparkling love, flowers And pearls and pretty girls Love is like an energy Rushin' an' rushin' inside of me, eh   The power of love A force from above Cleaning my soul Flame on, burn desire Love with tongues of fire Purge the soul Make love your goal ...

Members of the union for Professional Gropers and Occasional Bottom Pinchers have called for immediate action today after the shocking revelation that one of their high ranking members have been discovered to be a closet Conservative MP. And one with a whip to boot.  This only came to light after the man in question had one to many lager and lime shandies down at the Carlton Club in central London where he is said to have aurally assaulted other guests with his admiration for Liz Truss' unwavering support for the PM, Priti Patel's fashion sense and Jacob Rees Mogg traditional Victorian values. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own whipping boy, union spokesman, Ima Pest, lamented " We did have our suspicions in the past when he seemed to hint he thought Theresa May was doing 'alright considering' during the early part of Brexit, but there was no real hard evidence to prove it. Now he has revealed his hand which as personal space predators is something we ...

After a two year hiatus due to Covid, one that threw all possible training plans out of the window, ultra competative mum, Sam Thomas, is ready to leaving nothing out on the playing field as she prepares for this afternoons year 4 egg and spoon race. 36 year old Sam, who is a veteran of triathlons and the occasional ultra marathon, has been training for 4 months since the date of the annual school sports day was released, employing every possible option on her Garmin 45 smart watch in order to crush the other mums. Employing a combination of balance activities, wrist strengthening classes, hand to eye coordination techniques used by Tom Cruise in Top Gun sequel, eccentric plyometrics used by Dina Aasher Smith to incleasee her explosivness and a daily droool over a Jo Wickes workout , Sam is leaving nothing to chance. Winning the year 4 egg and spoon race will give Sam's sense of self worth a real boost, having failed to gain a spot on 'The Real Housewives of Hucknall, earlier...