14th July Levelling up by levelling out


In an attempt to 'level up' fifty, fat and f%$&£d Barry Toppins of Sherwood, Nottingham is brining to court a case that would make it illegal for people to gaze hypnotically at his wobbling midriff, as if in a trance, whenever he attempts a 1km run on the treadmill at his local gym.

With 'upskirting' and now 'down blousing' being registered as criminal offences, 50 yr old Barry is keen to have 'paunch perusing' added to the list of illegal activities. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own midline spreader, Barry revealed, "It was getting difficult to concentrate on my running form with the crowd that started to assemble to just stare and make suggestive comments." 

"At one point I almost dropped my Doritoes and spilled my pint due to the level of verbal abuse. One said it was like watching a living lava lamp or a jelly moulded in human form. They constantly objectify my paunch," he continued, patting his midriff and setting off a series of waves of rippling flesh all around his belt line.

"I have been trying to perk up my buttocks so that my jeans aren't quite so baggy and don't reveal a crack wide enough to park a bike in whenever I bend over but I've had to admit defeat and realise that I am never gonna be Kim Kardasian in the arse stakes. If I was to even think about the size of a woman's breasts, the thought Police would be on my case. But they don't think twice about allowing complete strangers to tap my tummy just to see it jiggle."




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