12th July Patel plans path to party power


Whilst all the other candidates in the Tory leadership election appear to be focussed on tax, more tax and nothing but tax, Home Secretary and part time demon, Priti Patel, has decided to launch her campaign be focussing on another crutial issue: deporting Sir Mo Farah back to wherever it is he came from.

Following revelations today that Mo Farah, and let's be honest is that even his real name, entered the country illegally as a child, sources close to Priti Patel believe that she has found the issue that will gather even more support amongst the true blue part faithful than getting Brexit done or cutting taxes for anyone earning over £100,000 a year.

When Ms Patel launched her own campaign with a slick three minute video, many people thought they has inadvertantly stumbled upon a screening of the Japanese horror movie The Ring, in which a demon possessed woman emerges out of a TV screen. It was in fact Priti's tribute to the movie and her attempt to just get up close and personal in everyones living rooms, which was probably even more scary that the Japasene film version.

Speaking to Grace Under Pressure she revealed. "We just can't have all these illiterate foreigners coming over here as children unable to speak our langauge or integreate into society and then see them grow up to be multiple Olympic gold medal winners and National treasures. What impression does that create about the kind of country this is?"

"No, he has to go within seven days of me becoming leader and anyway Rwanda must be pretty close to Somaliland so he'll be able to run home from there. We'll just have to find someone else to advertise Quorn, electric tooth brushes and Weetabix in a post Brexit world."

At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure is unable to confirm that Matt Hancok will be a late entry into the race after seeing a sneak preview of a campaign video in which he appears to chase teenage girls through their dreams whilst wearing a red and green stipped jumper, a battered fedora hat and hands made of razor sharp blades.

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