Grace Under Pressure 2

What probably started out as a harmless bit of joshing by a couple of lads who had obviously had one too many shandies at lunchtime, ended up being something with far more serious consequences as mild mannered Chief Medical Officer Chris Whitty revealed another side to his character. The man who had managed to remain both straight faced and patient during innumerable blundering and bumbling daily briefings by Boris Johnson finally reached the end of his tether when accosted in St James' Park by two young men desperate to snap a selfie with Britain's germ giant. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, a passerby described events, "One minute they were yelling at him, then hugging him in an embrace Matt Hancock would have been proud of, before finally trying to take a selfie with the great man. The next think I knew, he just roared 'Next Slide Please' and with a lightening fast combination of punches just laid the two hecklers out for the count. I mean respect to the man,...

Meanwhile over in SW1 defending champion Novak Djokovic prepares to serve. Steadying himself Djokovic bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball,  then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball,  then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball,  then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball,  then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball,  then bounces the ball, then bounces the ball...

After discovering classified and highly sensitive MOD documents in a bus shelter in Kent, Where's Wally? champion 2016-19 and life long treasure hunter, Gizza Clue, is today ready to take on his biggest challenge to date, finding the government's credibility. According to unconfirmed reports the credibilty of the current government, which some claim to have seen just after the single issue election victory back in 2019, has slowly but surely been vanishing bit by bit ever since. Now as a result of how it handled the post-Brexit Northern Ireland situation, the PPE fiasco, the way contracts have been awarded, Boris catching Covid by shaking hands with as many infected people as possible, the way a protective ring of 'air' was thrown round care homes, the Cummings/Barnard Castle fiasco, the Jennifer Acuri saga, the ignoring of Priti Patel’s bullying, not shutting the border to India early enough, sending texts describing Matt Handcock as 'totally f-ing usless' w...

Have you like hundreds of thousands of people up and down the country woken up to find your mental health and well being tramautised far more by seeing the 60 second video of Matt Hancock attempting to swap faces with Gina Coladangelo than you have by the entire Covid crisis?  Are you currrently worried that you might never be able to kiss anyone again for fear of PTSD flashbacks of 'that scene' reappearing? , Do you feel like your heart, body, mind and soul have been indelibly infected by some invisible agant of the devil? If so then fear no more for Gace Under Pressure is here to help. Wash away the image : It is a commonly held belief of many religions and faith groups that the eyes are the window to the soul, so why not give them a wash. While you might be tempted to add salt or even a splash of household Domestos after glimpsing that snap of Hancock awkwardly fumbling with his aide, the most recent data suggests you’re better off lightly splashing them with some room te...

So this was me yesterday, plodding my way up and down the hills of Sheffield as part of the Round Sheffield Run that winds its way for 20kms through the cities, woods, parks and open spaces. And when I say up and down it felt mostly up especially the start and end of the run. It is an unusual event in that it involved 11 timed stages ranging between 2.8km and 0.4km in length with an opportunity to walk in between the stages and rest tired legs. And for anyone suggesting I misread the instructions and actually walked some of the timed running stages, well expect my lawyers to be in touch. This years due to Covid restrictions, the event has been split over two days allowing me to take part in Saturday's event rather than the initially planned Sunday jolly. So on an overcast day with just a hint of rain in the air, an administrative error meant I didn't get included in the wave of elite athletes, and so set off just after 9am with the pounders, plodders and pedestrian paced runner...

In breaking news it has been revealed that there are at least two women who don't think that Secretary for Health, Matt Hancock, is f%$^&*£g hopeless. Well two at the moment although that could be reduced to one quite quickly After CCTV images showing Matt Hancock in a pasionate embrace with Gina Coladangelo managed to ruin everyones breakfast, Grace Under Presure is as yet unable to confirm rumours circulating around Westminster whether Mr Hancock wore sufficient when attempting to double jabbed her. When asked for an interview Mr Hancock remained tight lipped which was something he didnt appear to be doing with Ms Coladangelo. An unidentified government spokesman suggested that Mr Hancock was simply attempting to flatten her curves. Meanwhile Prime Minister and serial philanderer, Boris Johnson is reported to be delighted that potential adulterer, Matt Hancock, is following in his own footsteps by having a bit on the side and it is quite possible that this return to good old...

Travel companies and airlines are reported to be bitterly disappointed that the number of destination to which they can literally double their prices overnIght has not been expanded as much as they hoped for. With the governments anouncement that only a handful of countries nearby, together with a sprinkling of destinations most people would struggle to find on a map, having been added to the green list, furious tour operators have seen red Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own check in operator, a spokesman for one firm, who wished to remain anonymous but whose company named rhymes with 'Bet U' confirmed “Yeah, we were all set to go. after months of preperation, we just need to hit the button and prices would have at least doubled automatically. People are so desperate for a bit of sun and sangria, they will pay ridiculous amounts for a one bed room apartment overlooking a building site in San Antonio." "Add to that all the add on extras such as another...

  With the government planning a review of it's ownership and the prospect of Channel 4 being sold to overseas investors an increasing possibility, thousands of people have signed a petition to ensure their favourite programs are retained.  Such programs would include the highly rated Scandi noir murder mysterys, ground breaking comedy such as  Peep Show, Father Ted and Spaced, teen dramas like Skins and The Inbetweeners, quiz favourites such as Countdown and 8 out of ten Cats. But in the case of 56 yr old Sid Grundy and his wife Betty from Arnold, Nottingham, its more a question whether that good old family favourite, Naked Attraction will now appear with subtitles if it's made abroad. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's exhibitionist editor, Sid fully revealed himself when he said, "Me and the wife love nothing more than settling down to look at 5 or 6 men’s dangly bits, all of them either looking like the last turkey in the shop or something you wouldn't allow ne...

  A more furious than normal Nicola Sturgeon was this morning laying the blame for Scotland's dismal performance against Croatia firmly at the feet of Mancunians.  Appearing even more irrate than when she had to deal with Alec Salmond, Ms Sturgeon huffed and puffed her way through a press conference in which she left no one in any doubt that the blame for Billy Gilmour's absence from the Scotland team following a positive Covid test lay firmly at the feet of the city of Manchester. It was also a perfectly good reason to call another independence referendum but so are most things according to Ms Sturgeon. “Although we have no evidence whatsoever to support this accusation," explained the First Minister of Scotland, "it’s not exactly rocket science to work out how the infection occured?  Poor Billy 'Braveheart' Gilmour must have listened to a song by Oasis, The Stone Roses or Happy Mondays. It's possible he saw an episode of Cornation Street or Granada Repor...

In a bid to create an equal playing field of misery, the government has anounced plans to give uncivil weddings the go ahead later this year. This will allow couples who have no intention of remaining civil to each other for longer than it takes the ink to dry on their wedding certificate, the chance to do so legally in outdoor as well as indoor settings.  This follows on from the announcement earlier this week that more than 30 people will be allowed to dance together at a gathering if they are all wearing football shirts, Scottish,totally pissed and think a 0-0 draw is actually a victory. Or if attending a G7 summit barbeque on Cornish beach. Grace Under Pressure understands that uncivil weddings will involve moments of Bridezilla behaviour before, during and after the service, tantrum throwing flower girls and paige boys, mother/mother in laws trying to upstage the bride with their outfits, the best man trying to cop off with one or more bridesmaid, speeches that go on and on an...

Here is a confession. Given the opportunity, a liberal amount of alcohol and a quick squirt of WD40 on my joints, I quite like to throw some shapes on the dance floor. And this would be one number that would certainly get me shakin my bootie to the groove, bad boy Mark Morrison's classic 'Return of the Mack'.  So when looking for a little something to upload for today, 21st June, not just Summer Solstice but our supposed Freedom Day, I stumbled across this.  It caused me to laugh so loud it even made 'TOM' look up from reading the Daily Mail, which in itself it almost a miracle. And if it doesn't make you smile, then the very thought of me bustin' my moves and grooves under the glitterball certainly should.  

  Historians have recently unearthed what many feel is a long lost entry into the diary of Sam Peeps, widely regarded as the Adrian Mole of the 17th century. Even to those with little or no literary knowledge, a sticking similarity can be seen between events playing out over 400 years ago and those currently taking place today. In the entry for 20th June 1666, Peeps writes: And so to Bedlamto view the mentally afflicted and criminally insane. "In the first room, I stumbled upon one Matthew Hand-Cock, a name that describes both the man and the act he was performing at the time. Mr Hand-Cock is suffering from the delusion that he is a Minister of State, who has the confidence and support of he Prime Minister of the day, the right dishonourable Mr Johnson. Hand-Cock believes he is able to keep invisible pestilence and plague at bay through people keeping half a perch pole apart and the use of a fabric he calls 'plastic. Lost in his own world he repeatedly shrieks "Dates not...

In a shock move, the barely viable DUP leader Edwin Poots has exercised free will and control over his own body by terminating his embryionic leadership even before the end of its first term.  For those with their finger on the pulse of religious issues they will have noted that his departure after 21days is exactly three times longer than it took God to complete the whole shebang, but not according to Mr Poots via a big bang. Poots, who became well known for his position that the Earth is only 6,000 years old and that dinosaur fossils are just the Almighty having a good laugh, has decided its his God given right and free will option to choose what he does with his own body. Biblical scholar, Iyam Divine, spoke to Grace Under Pressure's very own archaic dinosaur, “If like Edwin Poots you believe the Earth is only 6,000 years old, then twenty-one days actually feels like a quite a long time in the history of the world.  He probably feels like he needs a bit of a lie down. It ...

In a ground breaking first, and in an attempt to win back viewers who might be lured away by the England vs Scotland match on ITV this evening, the BBC will be showing a 90 minute special in which the entire team from its popular show The Repair Shop will combine their efforts in an attempt to restore Matt Hancock's broken reputation. Grace Under Pressure has been granted a sneak preview of the program in which Jay Blades and his team come up against their biggest chalange yet. Mr Hancock was found dumped in a sack on the steps of The Repair Shop, with a note pinned to it simply saying ' Try and repair this then', love Dominic. Ever a man for a challenge, workshop supremo, Jay Blades rounds up his trusted team to tackle what several members of the team were heard to mutter under their breath was  'f*@^%g hopeless' due to the extensive damage that has already been inflicted. Speaking to our totally renovated reporter, woodwork wonder kid, Will Kirk, stripped back t...

It's not quite the Von Trapp family in the Sound of Music but this East Midlands version is close enough. Here we have  few of the locals from the place I currently call home breaking into a little song and dance as they tell us about a few of their Nottingham things.  

After a week of almost tropical temperatures, thousands of people up and down the UK have concluded that despite claiming otherwise, they are actually thoroughly miserable if the temperatures rises above 20 degrees Celsius.   Despite years of past experience, pasty-skinned Brits have been flocking to the country’s beaches, parks and open spaces smothering themselves in chip fat and returning home several house latter with chafing thighs and lobster red sunburn. Not that home offers any refuge with every attempt to open a window or patio door even a few millimeters greeted with an invasion of bees, wasps and other airborne creepy crawlies. Cranky kids succumbing to heatstroke, druken brawls on proms, litter actually obscuring any sand, the irritating sound of flip flops, the smell of the sewage outlet pipe just down the beach, queing hours for an ice cream and the sight of not very attractive people wearing far too little are just some of the things Britain have decided it can d...

Scottish First Minister and part time Krankie, Nicola Sturgeon, has demanded that yesterdays 0-2 result against the Czech Republic should be declared null and void as it did not go the way she wanted. Scotland's particpation in Euro 2020, which has been described by armchair football fans as a 'once in two generations event', might now depend on whether Nicola Sturgeon can get the result overturned. Failing that she might well demand that the whole thing be done again and again and again until Scotland win or at the very very least don't lose. Speaking at Holyrood to Grace Under Pressure's tartan translator, Ms Sturgeon revealed “I don’t believe this result is in the best interest of Scotland, of Scottish football, or of my political career and it is clear to me that changing it would be entirely fair. Scotland were assured that should they ever compete in the European Championships, that they would win it at the first attempt by whipping England in the final."...

  Armed with a varitable rainbow of flourescent markers and enough microwave meals and chilled cider to last him a month,  32 yr old Andy Rosbotham has already decamped to his garden shed after launching his very own Euro 2020 campaign with all the precision with which Winston Churchill supervived the D day landings. Having already submitted his Fifa Fantasy team, or should I say seven teams to be precise, taken place in his office sweepstake (he got Russia) and worked out 1068 permutations for England to reach the quarter finals where its predicted we will lose on penalties, Andy Rosbotham is now ready for every England fans second favourite wet dream. Having decorated his house top to toe with Union jack flags, most of which have been hung upside down, Andy's house will for the next 4 weeks or until England return home, be indistigushable for those inhabited by right wing racists up and down his street. When asked what his partner thought about his insistance that North Mace...

  I've always had a soft spot for Will Young ever since he stood up to Simon Cowell on the very first Pop Idol program. And I was probably one of a handful of people who raised a glass when he went on to beat Gareth Gates in the final that year. Blessed with the voice of an angel, he has always been able to show his vulnerability in and through his music and given his stunning interpretation of 'Light my fire' early on in his career, it is no surprise that he should now chose to release an albumn of covers. This is the earworm currently raging round my head. This is Will Young's cover of 'Elizabeth Taylor'    

  US officials were said to be thrilled at just how well talks had gone yesterday until it was discovered that President Joe Biden had in fact held three hours of intense discussions with one-year-old Wilfred Johnson at the G7 summit in Cornwall yesterday, after mistaking him for his father, Prime Minister Boris Johnson. A Whitehouse spokesman revealed,“In order not to confuse President Biden, he had simply been briefed to expect someone with a mass of tousled hair, a childish attitude and bouts of undecipherable gibberish and so was a genuine and easy mistake for him to make. I mean God we are just relieved he managed to get down the steps of AirForce 1 without  falling." Mr Biden was especially struck by the common bond the two participents shared in that they both had their food mashed up and needed to be winded afterwards. Reports suggest Mr Biden was especially pleased that a good 90 minutes of the meeting was taken up with a nap. At the time of going to press Grace Un...

  48 year old Tiffany Shaw was panic stricken yesterday afternoon with the overwhelming thought that despite having received her second Covid 19 injection, she might not be protected against the virus as she forgot to upload a picture of her vacinnaton card onto social media. Tiffany, a dental hygenist and part time 'non influencer' on various vacuous platforms realised her error whilst uploading a picture of the last thing she ate to Instaface. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own antibody against anxiety, Tiffany revealed, "I was just scrolling through some previous posts to see if any of them had received double figure views, which is the hallmark of someone with real non influence on society, when I suddenly realised there was nothing about my second jab. Nothing." “It's not like I'm into all that conspiracy theory nonsense and I know Chris Whitty and Patrick Vallance haven't indicated as much but I'm pretty sure Lawrence Fox said t...

Political analysts across the globe are still trying to work out if French President Manuel Macaroon has actually been challenged to an old fashioned duel, albeit without the accepted norm of a glove being used as the instrument of challenge, after being slapped vigerously across the cheek. CCTV footage intially appeared to have captured Mr Macaroon removing a handkerchief from his pocket to dab his reddened cheek. This has however been challenged by European historians who have interpreted his action of waving a white cloth back and forth in front of his face as an act of unconditionally surrender, something that is part of the French DNA when provoked by any kind of threat. In an apparent communications mix up, Boris Johnson telephoned Mr Macaroon late yesterday to offer his consolations and to confide that he too has had his fair share of slappers in the past. At the time of going to press, no seats are currently available on EuroStar following a block booking by Tory MP's all h...

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos appears to be going to extraordinary lengths to get as far away from his ex wife MacKenzie Scott following his announcement that he is going into space. Wheher he is going to use his spacecraft, The New Shepherd, or will simply stand on the pile of money Amazon have made during lockdown is as yet unclear. Mr Bezos has not confirmed if his plans involve searching for alien life forms but we can only assume that if they are out he will leave a gift from earth with the nearest neighbours or simply throw it over the fence. One thing is for sure, Prime time viewing is going to full of him droning on and on about it. At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure is unable to confirm that Mr Bezos is simply looking for a new location with zero tax laws via which he can claim all of his Amazon profits have been made. After all the gravity of such a scenario would surely create an awful rocket of disgusted outcry back on earth.

I n a world exclusive, Grace Under Pressure has been given unprecidented access to the 1600 page Mail on Sunday Fawn-a-thon due to hit doormats with an almighty thud this weekend. In forensic detail the Mail's team of Royal sycophants will describe in agonising details the first seven days in the life of baby Liliput, named to signify her place as a giant amongst the mere mortals of this world. In doing so they will                  attempt to transform the mundane into the the magnificent, the ordinary into the astounding and decidely dull into the daringly delightful. And it's readers will simply lap it all up. Born in a hospital, which will no doubt be added to the celebrity coach tour of LA before the month is out, baby Libelus, has already been described as 'the younger sister of Archie Mountbatten-Windsor', mainly because Archie is a couple of years older than her and that’s how siblings and fa...

In yet another amazing attempt to keep their private life absolutely private a young couple currently living in Montecito, California, have announced that their 4 day old daughter has already stuck her first sponsorship deal in an arrangement with Paddy Power.  The deal that will see the child christened 'Likesabet', is thought to be in honour of an Uncle Andrew who was last seen gambling away his reputation on TV last year.

Today I thought I'd upload something old and something new by Joan Armatrading. The initial track, 'The weakness in me', I heard for the first time whilst travelling back from a student physiotherapy placement in Bangor, many many years ago. And loved it so much I bought it as soon as I was able too. The other track, 'Already There', I heard for the first time today, on the Michael Ball Show, whilst driving back home after leading a service in Sherwood.  Two songs separated by 40 years, but unlike many singers whose vocal prowess haven't aged quite so well, Joan Armatrading's voice is still in stunning form, and still able to knock out a belter of a song too. So sit back and enjoy...something old and something new.    

Having watched Michael Mosely transform five unfit flabby fatties into five slightly less unfit, slightly less flabby fatties through a twenty one day regime of starvation, shame and step classes, I am wondering if he could do the same for runners. And one pedestrian plodder in particular. Today marks the three week countdown to the Round Sheffield Run, an 11 stage, 14 mile run around the parks and green spaces of what can ony be desciribed as an undulating city. Cancelled last year due to the discovery of the' Eh By Gum' Yorkshire Covid varient which threatened to trun participents into flat cap wearing, pudding eating, tea drinking grumps, it's now back on. The event is described as a novel event. Not because one is encouraged to read a book whilst running but rather that one does not have to run the entire distance or for all the time. Now to be honest, if I could actually manage to do both of those things, at the same time, during the same run, would transform it into n...

  Matt Hancock confirms Nepalese Covid varient not here yeti.

Part time film critics up and down the country are already starting to drool over the prospect of the soon to be released 'Covid 3rd Wave', the final part of the Covid trilogy that has kept the entire population glued to their sofas for the best part of 15 months. Epidemiologist Ima Spreader said: “Nobody saw the first wave coming , well apart from the entire SAGE team, and so it was a complete game changer, decimating box offices all over the planet. And even given the levels of hype when the sequel 'Covid Wave 2' dropped in early winter featuring that new Indian footage, well it set the bar even higher, which is unusual because most sequels really suck."  "The marketing for the final part of the trilogy, one in which hopefully as least some of the loose ends are tied up, has worked on the uncertainty principle, with audiences not sure of its release date, if indeed it is going to be released at all. Trailer have been popping up mysterioulsy all over ...

W ith the European Championships only 10 days away and after finishing top of their qualifying group following stunning wins over Albania, Andora and the might of San Marino, Eng-er-land supremo Gareth Southgate has suddenly realised that he is about to face teams who are not composed of painters, sheep herders, florists and tax inspectors. As such, yesterday he unveiled his squad for the forthcoming competition which will aim to stun the opposition or at least enable Eng-er-land to scrape into the knockout stages by fielding an 8-1-1 formation beginning with the warm up games against Austria and Romania this week Realising that his only option is not just to park the bus but to wheel clamp it as well, Southgate has opted for an eight at the back, a defensive holding midfield player and poor Harry Kane stuck on his own upfront, although Southgate has confirmed that Kane is under instructions to track back for corners, free kicks and the 85% of the game when the opposition have the ball...