23rd June Nicola blames Manchester for Euro's exit

 

A more furious than normal Nicola Sturgeon was this morning laying the blame for Scotland's dismal performance against Croatia firmly at the feet of Mancunians. 

Appearing even more irrate than when she had to deal with Alec Salmond, Ms Sturgeon huffed and puffed her way through a press conference in which she left no one in any doubt that the blame for Billy Gilmour's absence from the Scotland team following a positive Covid test lay firmly at the feet of the city of Manchester. It was also a perfectly good reason to call another independence referendum but so are most things according to Ms Sturgeon.

“Although we have no evidence whatsoever to support this accusation," explained the First Minister of Scotland, "it’s not exactly rocket science to work out how the infection occured?  Poor Billy 'Braveheart' Gilmour must have listened to a song by Oasis, The Stone Roses or Happy Mondays. It's possible he saw an episode of Cornation Street or Granada Reports. He might even just have heard someone mention Andy Burnham's name and bang, he's infected and has to self isolate for 10 days. There were even a couple of players from Manchester in the England squad for God's sake!"

When asked by Grace Under Pressure's very own penalty king whether there was any danger of any other of Scotland's star players such as goalkeeper David Marshall becoming infected, Nicola Sturgeon replied that she was quietly confident that the only thing Marshall would be catching is himself in the back of his own net. 

Thankfully for all concerned after last nights performance the entire Scotland squad can now self isolate in the wilderness of European football for another 23 years, which is hopefully the same length of time before Ms Sturgeon gets her independence referendum wish granted.





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