28th June Have you been handcocked?

Have you like hundreds of thousands of people up and down the country woken up to find your mental health and well being tramautised far more by seeing the 60 second video of Matt Hancock attempting to swap faces with Gina Coladangelo than you have by the entire Covid crisis?  Are you currrently worried that you might never be able to kiss anyone again for fear of PTSD flashbacks of 'that scene' reappearing? , Do you feel like your heart, body, mind and soul have been indelibly infected by some invisible agant of the devil? If so then fear no more for Gace Under Pressure is here to help.

Wash away the image: It is a commonly held belief of many religions and faith groups that the eyes are the window to the soul, so why not give them a wash. While you might be tempted to add salt or even a splash of household Domestos after glimpsing that snap of Hancock awkwardly fumbling with his aide, the most recent data suggests you’re better off lightly splashing them with some room temperature tap water or if you can afford it some sparkling Evion.

Meditate the pain away: Your mind is probably going at a million miles a minute and asking questions like did Gina Coladangelo really find Matt Hancock attractive or was she doing it for some kind of deranged bet? Or perhaps its the conundrun, Sajid Javid...really?? Now to realign your chakras and calm the inner you, sit cross-legged on a comfy cushion, close your eyes, and simply visualise Matt Hancock writing his resignation letter whilst Dominic Cummings chuckles to himself.

Practise some self-love: Attempt to decrease your inner turmoil by having a pamper day, after all that's what flexi working is all about. Order in your favourite takeaway in, then kick back with your favourite film or box set, all washed down and a nice cool six pack. Only resort to some actual 'self love' if you’re absolutely 100% certain that the memory of that video won’t drift into your mind and turn the whole event into a sudden flop.

Invest in some crystals or a candle: You've always thought the idea that crystals had magical healing properties to be total bollocks, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Order some clear quartz, agate, amethyst or opals from e Bay. If you can’t get your hands on any, then just grab some gravel from the garden. It will probably have the same effect. An alternative is to burn a Gwynneth Paltrow Goop candle.

Contact your local priest: Having tried all of the above without success, if your soul is still possessed by the spirit of Matt Hancock's puckered lips, then it’s time to contact your local priest. Catholics are best but any denomination could give it a go. Be warned though, such an exorcism could have head spinning results.