20th June A Peep into the past

 

Historians have recently unearthed what many feel is a long lost entry into the diary of Sam Peeps, widely regarded as the Adrian Mole of the 17th century. Even to those with little or no literary knowledge, a sticking similarity can be seen between events playing out over 400 years ago and those currently taking place today.

In the entry for 20th June 1666, Peeps writes: And so to Bedlamto view the mentally afflicted and criminally insane.

"In the first room, I stumbled upon one Matthew Hand-Cock, a name that describes both the man and the act he was performing at the time. Mr Hand-Cock is suffering from the delusion that he is a Minister of State, who has the confidence and support of he Prime Minister of the day, the right dishonourable Mr Johnson. Hand-Cock believes he is able to keep invisible pestilence and plague at bay through people keeping half a perch pole apart and the use of a fabric he calls 'plastic. Lost in his own world he repeatedly shrieks "Dates not Data" which makes no sense to any physician or student of science. He is unfortunatly a f^%$&*g hopeless case who has clearly lost his wits."

"In the next room, one Demonic Cummings, who lies, and lies, in his own filth even though he claims it is not of his making but of everyone elses doing. Mr Cummings will try to throw his own excrement upon any who he thinks have wronged him in the past. He has a specific longstanding loathing with Mr Hand-Cock. In his possession Demonic Cummings has many tiny scraps of manuscript which he claims will bring about the downfall of society as we know it. His keepers report that he blames a witch called Symonds for the end of a bromance which allowed Britain to take back control and a buffon to lead the country. When not throwing shit at others hoping it will stick, Demonic Cummings utters profanities that would make a London Docks prostitute blush.

Moving further into the bowels of the hospital, I discovered a creature named Cress Ida Dick. Whilst this women claims to be a maintainor of Law and Order, rumours abound that she is simply the heir to a corrupt clan that feigns protection of the populace of London, yet did lie and dissemble for their own benefit. Claiming that she is whiter than Snow White, she seems unable the smell the stench eminating from the acts those she commands doth commit. Perhaps in part due to her proximity to the shit stained cell occupied by Demonic Cummings."

"Last but by no means least, Mogg Rees Jacobs, a man trapped in the 12th century and who can only speak in Latin whist reclining on a chaize longue. A recurrent reproducer, Mogg Rees Jacobs is said to have burdoned his seven offspring with names that Beelzebub woud not inflict such as Applewort, Byzantinium, Absalom, Lucricious, Boudica, Gregorian and Doris.  He will probably critisise this entry both for its content and use of inappropriate language!"

Grace Under Pressure fears that just as there was no cure for those wretches then, neither will there be now.