Grace Under Pressure 2

Over the last two weekends TOM and I have been tucking into a right old Pomegranate feast. Not, I should hasten to add, one involving the fruit of a 1000 seeds but rather the delightful little theatre in Chesterfield and their season of Spring plays.  Pre pandemic we used to enjoy a regular little jolly here to watch some locally procued offerings, a fee touring productions and the occasional National Theatre Live perfromance on the big screen, so it was nice as plan B moved stuttteringly into Plan A that we could recommence our thespian inclinations once again. Performed by a company who's work we have seen before, we knew that we were in for a good evenings entertainment, even if the audience was perhaps a little sparse. First up a week ago was Funny Money, a dose of Ray Cooney farce magic, in which the consequence of picking up the wrong suitcase (one full of 3/4 million pounds) on a commuter train led to all sorts of rib tickling confusion. So much so that bits of scenery fell ...

Following in the wake of Neil Young and Joni Mitchell, Harry and Meghan Windsor-Merkle have expressed grave concerns over Spotify and the use of its platform to spread misinfornation about Covid vaccines via the Joe Rogan podcast.  However unlike Neil Young and Joni Mitchell who has asked Spotify to remove all their songs from their music platform, a move that is expected to hit any royalties they might earn dramatically, Harry and Meghan whilst being morally, ethically, envorinmentally, and spirtually devastated by the very same podcasts, have after some agonising sould searching reluctantly decided to keep their own £18 million deal with the online music streaming service. Insider sources have suggested that it was only after a heart to heart with the BBF Winprah Ofrey, that the young couple finally decided that having cash was better than being too 'woke'. The publicity shy couple who wish above anything else to retain their privacy announced this via an official press relea...

Yesterday morning I had my first little jolly out with a group of runners from Youlgrave Harriers. A seven mile saunter starting at what is known as Surprise View car park just near the Longshaw estate in the Peak District, one that ran in an anti clockwise loop via Over Owler Tor, Burbage rocks, Padley Gorge and back through deer filled woods back to the car park.  The first surprise wasn't really a surprise as my sat nav got me lost, something I had been warned about by the race organisers. Thankfully the owner of the cafe at Grindleford Railway station was able to send me in the right direction enabling me to arrive in time to join the 25 or so assorted runners who had also no doubt been surprised by getting lost too. Did I mention that it was windy? So windy my hat was so tightly secured to my head I thought I was about to pass out. So windy that on the high exposed sections it has hard work starding up straight never mind running. Did I mention is was also very boggy underfoot...

  Upper crust wall paper and posh paint manufacturers Barrow and Fall have today announced that the release of its latests product line 'Sue Grey' is to be delayed until further in the year.  The new range incorporates innovative technology that according to the manufacturers will prevent the occurance of white wash, ensure that s^%$ actually sticks, help to illuminate stubborn character stains and will not paper over clear failings in leadership. Sue Grey is described as the ideal decor for behind locked door parties, surprise birthday bashes and offers a perfect backdrop to garden gatherings. Promoted as being easy to apply, quick to hang and producing a lasting effect on all who encounter it, Sue Grey is expected to be the talk of the town when it is finally released to the eager general public.

In an amazing demostration that he has finger just about as far from the pulse of contemporay life as it is possible to get, the Prince formerly known as HRH Andrew has decided that a jury of 12 ordinary New Yorkers with both ampathise and sympathise in a court case involing his ivory tower Royal lifestyle and his friendship with a deceased billionaire private island paedophile and a convicted sex trafficker. The Duke of York, who popular culture understands to have had 10,000 men, appears to be under the misconception that a jury of 12 good men and women from the Bronx, Queens and Brooklyn will form an instant bond that connects his jet setting Royal lifestyle with their blue collar existance. Andrew, who by his own admission was just too decent and honourable to end a friendship with a convicted paedophile, is now claiming that he wasn't friends at all with the woman he invited to spend time in a hunting lodge on his mother's Balmoral estate and certainly never ever attende...

Peacekeeping forces around the world have been put on full alert in an attempt to soothe rising tensions as two major super powers prepare for what could be an all out war (of words). This conflict has come as a surprise to many who do not have their finger on the pulse of contemporary culture, but insider sources speaking exclusivly to Grace Under Pressure have revealed it was just a matter of time. With one side acting like Gorillaz and the other refusing to just 'shake it off',  each is trying to stake a claim in the others territory. The red side has a reputation for being a lover that has gone down in folklore, even if much of it has been re recorded over time. Quite fearless , its big machine hasn't felt this threatened since 1989 . The other firmly believes that modern life is rubbish and goes by in a blur. It has developed a think tank and a magic whip to try and instill a simple park life in its 13 regions. This will be known as The Great Escape. And let...

  In a world wide exclusive Grace Under Pressure has contacted renowned psychic, Watzgonna Appen in an attempt to fortell the future and in particular the excuses Boris Johnson will give during Prime Minister's question time for having a birthday bash in no 10. Gazing into her crystal ball, Watzgonna Appen, appeared to enter into a trance before revealing the following prophetic message. Excuse no 1 will be he doesn't even know when his birthday is and therefore was it not only a surprise party it was a surprise it was his birthday. Excuse no 2 will attempt to explain that the singing of Happy Birthday was carried out because everyone happened to be simultaneously washing their hands properly as championed by Sir Chris 'next slide please' Whitty. The link between said recitation of the world's most popular song and chomping down on the cake and assorted party food is merely circumstantial. Excuse no 3 will reveal that blowing out the candles was not a potential sup...

  Harry Potter levels of hysteria are expected to be generated outside most major book retailers in the coming week as nerds, geeks and dweebs queue on mass to be amongst the first to get their hands on the must read book of 2022 'Fifty Shades of (Sue) Gray'. Speaking exclusively to Grace Under Pressure, Miranda Bowers revealed how her 19 yr old son, Jarvis, just hasn't been able to sleep due to the excitement of the forthcoming release. "Oh he's been like this ever since he was young. We hoped and prayed that he might grow out of it but it just seems to get worse the older he gets. He just devours government reports one after another. He just loved the Levinson report, read the Grenfell Tower inquiry in a weekend, couldn't be dragged away from the Iraq war investigation and thought the Hillsborough disaster review really hit the back of the net. He's got them all, in both hard back and paper back versions, but this latest one has really got him excited. ...

With news of bullying and intimidation pervarding the corridors of power, current Culture Secretary and not quite BBF of the BBC, Nadine Dorries has come out fighting in her attempt to defend Boris Johnson (and climb up the slipppery pole of politcal position) by claiming that Tory rebels critisising her beloved leader are merely 'attention seeking'. Members of the general public should of course take Ms Dorries'  remarks very seriously, given that she helped set the bar in this particular area. Unless of course you understand that taking time off from your work as an MP to fly half way round the world to take part in a reality TV show in which you subject yourself to rituall humiliation in front of an audience of millions, isn't attention seeking behaviour. Although it's interesting that she certainly didn't seek to bring any attention to the fee she received for appearing on the show did she. I mean let's be honest, after chewing your way through the hairy...

Yesterday I had a little bit of an explore, just a short throw from TOM's, with an attempt to follow the route of a race that is run in Matlock each August called Ricky's Race.It is one that I haven't done in the past mainly due to the fact that it falls just 24hrs before the Hob Hursts gallop that I have done for the past couple of years. And my legs never had enough in them to do two runs so close together, and certainly don't at 58! And the reason it might have been a bit of an exploration is that I was trying to follow a route I had seen a couple of times on Youtube rather than an actual route map. But what a lovely little lung buster it turned out to be on a beautifully crisp and at times icey morning. One that offered a mix of everything. With woodland trails, one never ending climb, a couple of very brief road sections, several technical descents where it was a case of avoiding gnarly tree routes or areas of ankle deep mud, three lactate inducing short steep sect...

  People tuning into various social media platforms yesterday were left confused after stumbling over what many could only assume was a video just 'dropped' to accompany an unannounced hidden track from Adele's latest album.. The new video featured a blubbing and bleary eyed Adele lamenting about the latest trauma in her life. In what music critics are calling a stunning change in production values and a break from her usual style, this latest offering appeared to be a raw acapella attempt without musical backup, offering Adele thechance to plumb the depths of self misery to new levels in just under a minute. Billed as the album that will enable her son to one day understand why Mumy got divorced and how much she spend on therapy album, the new song has already caused a storm of responses amongst Adele's followers known as the 'Pottymouths' after their idol's expletive laden rants between song. Tracy Grimshaw revealed, "Oh my Gawd, it was so emotional. ...

Only 48 hours after completing one of the most contentious mid season transfers in the history of politics, Christian Wakeford is already having regrets. Speaking exclusively to Grace Under Pressure, former true blue and now rabid red MP for Bury South has quickly discoverd that whilst members of the front bench might well all act as if high on E, apart from Kier who likes like he's been on the spice, life in the the Labour party is just no party at all. "I skipped breakfast and lunch today so as to leave room for the extensive smorgasboard of cheese I've been used to. I cancelled my gym membership on the prospect of having a daily danceathon in the back garden. And what do I discover. There are no afterworks drinking games. There are no lock in's after work. And the only thing cheesy are Kier's metaphorical analogies and similies.! "I left the Conservative Party because it looked so much more fun on the other side of the house. Now I discover that it was all ...

Fed up with the view from the cheap seats, member of parliament for Bury South, Christian Wakeford yesterday decided that it was time for an upgrade in order to see the spectacular downfall of Boris Johnson over the next 10 days and so crossed over to the seats on the other side of the House of Commons. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own political pundit, Christian explained his sudden move from blue to red, the equivalent of transfering from City to United mid season. “Being a Tory MP for the past couple of years has been great. Getting elected, all that Brexit and levellign up bollox and even having the chance to leave Bury. It was such an adrenaline rush I didn't need to bother with any other drugs. And that's not even mentioning all the lockdown parties which to be honest have been just exhausting." "Then it all got a bit dull. You know winning every vote by a landslide. All my colleagues began to look like Easter Island stautues whereas everytime I l...

Despite overwhelming evidence identifying him as the sole perpetraitor, 2 yr old Wilfred Johnson has insisted that his parents wait for the results of an independent inquiry before jumping to any rash judgements as to who smeared chocolate all over the new Downing Street sofa. Before being sent to sit on the naughty step, Jack has refused to answer any direct questions put to him about whether he knows anything about the confectionary calamity by simply saying, "I can see that it is an incident that causes great concern. I myself am greatly concerned. but before we jump to any quick conclusions and impose any nasty sanctions like cancelling this weekends trip to Peppa Pig World, I think it only prudent to wait for the finding of the full and open inquiry into the matter. Then, and only then, if necessary, should we discuss any potential consequences that may result from the inquiry’s results." “I have already appointed my bestest ever friend Cressida from the local nursery ...

  I have to admit I have absolutly no idea what the lyrics of the songs are going on about. I don't think I am alone in that respect. Neither do I think I am alone in think that this song is the reason why the word hypnotic was invented. The interwoven singing of REM's lead vocalist Michael Stipe and music icon Pattie Smith builds to such a mesmerisng climax that renders whether you have understood a word of the lyrics completely irrelevant. So mesmerising in fact that I have on occasions spent an entire  2 hour bus jourey bak into Calcutta with this single song on constant repeat. Turn it up loud and just drift...you might understand why.   Aluminum, it tastes like fear Adrenaline, it pulls us near

    Are you worried that you don't stand out from the crowd whilst shopping? Are you tired of faking your social status by using a Waitrose bag whilst shopping at Lidl? Has your bag for life reached the end of its shelf life? Are you concerned you might have an unexpected item in the bagging area? Then fear no more. Available now for all conservative shoppers, direct from no 10 Downing Street comes the new 'Tory Bag for Life, in a stunning array of colours and sizes. Featuring reinforced side panelling and anti clinking mechanism, all models include wheels for those extra heavy 'just gotta nip out for six cases of Stella moments'. At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure is not able to discuss the enviromental rights or wrongs of these news bags for life for fear of being accused of dabbling in 'party' politics.

Is there a better way to spend ones birthday than running a 10.6km trail run in the Peak District? Well at various points in yesterdays little jolly the answer to that question would have been a definite 'Yes there is'. Still being in bed or feet up watching the TV would have been preferable but they say that fortune favours the foolish. Unable to run it last years due to a Covid cancellation, this particular event, one that is run on a Saturday,  appears to be one that I run every two years according to my Garmin watch, with my time in 2020 being a good five mins faster than my first attempt in 2018. But unlike previous years where there had been a gaggle of people all assembled on the start line, this years Covid secure protocols meant that when I arrived at the 'on your marks, get set, go' point ready to dib my dibber to start the clock going, there was no one else about.  And if there is one thing that makes running up a 3.4km uphll section right at the start of the...

In breaking news Grace Under Pressure can reveal that if N0-VAX Djokoprick is unable to  defend his Austraian Open tennis title in person then he plans to do so via an on line video conferencing platform. After having his visa revoked after a second examination of his immigration status revealed he was still a knob, NO-VAX has decided that such is his ability he could easily beat the other top tennis players in the world from the comfort of his sofa back in Belgrade.  Through the use of a simple internet connection and a courtside webcam this would save all the legal cases, stays in detention hotels, having to correctly fill in immigration paperwork, having to remember if you had travelled to another country or not whist Covid positive or just being arsed to get vaccinated like 97% of other players in the tournament.

Proving that it is indeed a game of two halves, Prof Sir Jonathan Van-Tam is leaving his role as England's deputy chief medical officer to fulfill a lifelong dream of being a Match of The Day presenter. Spotted by talent scouts from the BBC, Prof Van-Tam became their number one transfer target in the January window after his stunning performances using colourful analogies and football metaphors to explain complex scientific scenarios during Downing Street coronavirus briefings. This is in stark contrast with Alan Shearer and co who normally use  b&%%£$*s to try to explain football. With the away team on Sky Sports having given the BBC an absolute battering in the opening 45 mins, the aim of the game will not be not to concede any more goals and hope that super sub Van Tam will be able to snatch a last minute equaliser and a point. Quite which of the other presenters will be given two yellow cards is open to debate but Ian Wright is already favourite for an early bath. ...

Have you ever struggled to work out the difference between trying to run a country during the midst of a global pandemic and having a piss up in your back garden. Well if you have then your not alone because that muppet of a Prime Minsister Boris 'Phwa Phaw Piffle Tosh' Johnson suffers from exactly the same problem it seems.  I mean let's be honest it can be difficult to tell whether a line of 30 people wearing party hats, letting off streamers and doing the conga around a garden to a soundtrack of Lizzo's 'Good as Hell' is all about controlling the rate of transmission of the virus or just a giant 'f%$k U' for all those unable to be with relatives as they died. So from 1pm yesterday, whether your working in a hospital, teaching in an inner city school, driving a school bus or flying a plane, proseco and party nibbles are the order of the day cause its work ain't it. The more people the merrier really as long as you bring your own booze and don't...

 And just because it's a fantastic version of a great song.  This is Rag and Bone Man featuring Pink and the wonderful 'Anywhere away from here'  

In a ground breaking move, the north west's favourite supermarket, Morrisons, yesterday took one small step for man but one giant leap for mankind by removing all the confusion that normally arises as people struggled to know the difference between the best by and use by date on a bottle of milk.    Instead, the shop that boasts there are more reasons to shop there than anywhere else, has introduced some simple procedures that everyone can understand. These include the following basic tests to see if you really should drink that milk you've left out in the sun over the weekend. Look at it: Is it another other colour except white and / or is the bottle / carton bulging as if ready to explode? Smell it: Does it smell like a pair of hiking socks that haven't been changed for the entire length of the Pennine Way? Try to pour it: Does it comes out in lumps / chunks or even not at all? Swish a bit around your mouth: Does it have the texture of Cottage Cheese and stimulate you...

Which is of course NOT referring to the best years of my life seeing as I have yet to reach my peak. It is a clue to where 'TOM' and I ended up on Saturday night, alongside 750 other 9 months to 90 yr olds enjoying the Beauty and the Beast pantomime at the Nottingham Playhouse.  We had gone primarily to take TOM's 11yr old great neice as part of her Christmas present but being nothing but two big kids at heart we enjoyed it as much as she did. Probably more to be honest. It's been years since I have been to a similar theatre production and I have to admit to being pleasantly surprised that it was not simply a reproduction of the original film or recent Disney remake (probably due to copyright issues I suspect) but whilst following the basic story it was also flexible enough to explore other themes. The musical score was also thoroughly modern with snippets of at least 20 contemporary pop songs thrown in, which even got TOM shuffling in his seat at one point. There was a...

Driving back home this morning listing to the radio in the car, I heard this, the latest release from Elbow, being played on Good Morning Sunday by the nations third favourite vicar (Richard Coles is no 2 in case you were wondering).  And I thought it would just do the job in tickling your ear buds on this Sunday morning. It's a song written by vocalist Guy Garvey about, in his own words, his wife Rachel Stirling running round trying to save the world whilst he does all he can to help her'. This is 'What am I without you?'

With news that the iconic BBC TV show Grange Hill is going to be made into a movie, thousands of middle aged man and women up and down the land have joined together to utter the infamous phrase utter by Zammo,  "Just Say No" in an attempt to avoind a crushing mid life disappointment. They’ll f&^k with the theme tune : Alan Hawkshaw’s iconic theme tune that would summon a nations children (well those allowed to watch it) to gather infront of the gogglebox, will be given either by a hip hop remix with indecipherable lyrics or be transformed into a mourful dirge featuring Billy Eyelash. Too woke and PC even for snowflakes : Expect to be overwhelmed with constant messages about mental health, well being and gender fluidity. Be prepared to be bombarded about body shaming, inclusion  and refugees. Get ready to see more people of different skin tones and disabilities that you would at the Paralympics. On your marks to experience the menace that was Mr Bronson reimagined as ...

In a world exclusive to Grace Under Pressure, 13 year Simon Bradfield has revealed that there are many things that happen during a normal school day that affect his mental health and well being more than having to wear a mask in school Head flushed down the loo : Do adults honestly think a 13-year-old gives a toss about wearing a cloth on their face when they’re used to having their head stuffed down a toilet every breaktime by idiots trying to see if the litre of hair product you have carefully coiffured onto your bonce will dissolve in water. When you've had a mouth full of an Izal toilet block, wearing a mask seems a luxury. School dinners : Let's be honest what 13yr old wants organically grown, pro biotic, vegan quiche for lunch? That's far worse than having a piece if flimsy cloth over your mouth for 6 hours. Bring hack Turkey Twizzlers, chips, pink custard you can stand your spoon up in and spottted dick just so you can make innuendo laden jokes. This if course prov...

Millions of Australians who have been unable to return home or even move about within their own country have woken up to discover that all they needed to have done during the last two years to be exempt from such restrictions was to buy themselves a tennis raquet. And possibly some balls Faire Dincum, who has struggled to move out of his flat in Sydney for the past four months due to the strict Covid restrictions spoke exclusively to Grace Under Pressure about this new loophole that allows people like Dovak Nocovic to just come and go in and out of the country, without even having a vaccine, as long as they are good at tennis. "I'm gonna start with an old swingball I found in the attic. I mean, I haven’t played for a few years, but I remember I was pretty good back in my day. After that I'll just order myself  a tennis bat, some new balls and some Barley water from Amazon and I'll be good to go. Literally." By the time this goes to press its is predicted that...

After spending the Christmas festivities limiting itself to close family visits, Omicron was thrilled at the prospect of meeting up with its best mates Alpha, Beta, Gamma and Delta in school corridors, classrooms and common rooms yesterday. Back on familiar ground, one that is a veritable petri dish of possible cross infections, Omicron is hoping to spread through the school faster than the rumour that Martin Smith got past first base with Debbie Macklin behind the bike sheds just before the holidays. With many educational establishments attempting to put safety measures in place, a confident Omicron revealed that it had done its homework and expected to receive an A+ grade for novel ways to avoid masks worn around the chin, ears and forehead.  And given the governments insistence that schools will remain open at any cost it was looking forward to meeting some new starters during the next term in the form of Epsilon, Kappa and Lambda.

In a Baldrick like cunnning plan, the government has decided that the best way to tackle the Omicron crisis is to completly remove lateral flow test kits from circulation.  With data analysts rumoured to be about to run out of numbers to record the daily infection figures, the brain boxes at no 10, along with health minister Sajiv Javed, have come up with an idea so radical it would have had the dragons on Dragon's Den coming to blows over a chance to invest. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very infectious investigater, government spokesperson, Statis Tician, revealed "Obviously we were all concerned by the rising number of cases as more people were encouraged to test themselves before popping to Tesco for the weekly shop. The numbers were just going up and up and up almost as quickly as Boris' popularity is going down and down and down. Then the penny dropped!" “If people can't access a testing kit, then people won’t be able to test themselves. If they don...

Even before he has actually gone to trial, major publishing houses have already started a heated bidding war in the hope of securing exclusive rights to Pirince Andrew's prison diaries.  Like many people, Prince Andrew has always felt he had a novel in him but has until now never found the time to put pen to paper. Now faced with the increasing prospect of lots and lots of time on his hands, one might have thought his task would have been made considerably easier, but already published authors have noted that producing a best seller requires blood, sweat and tears and unfortunately Prince Andrew can only manage two out of the three. It could be only a matter of time before the Duke who has been locked away in Windsor Castle’s highest tower like a modern day Rapunzel, if Rapunzel were a middle aged man who was the friend of peadophiles / sex traffficers, and who was wanted for questioning by the FBI, is forced to swap his current ivory abode for the Tower of Wormwood Scrub...

Whether its exercise, diet, prayer, reading, lose weight, learn a new skill, saving money, cut down on the booze or keep in touch with friends, let's be honest most people give up the ghost before the end of January is out. And the main reason that many of our NY endevours fail is that like driving a fancy new sports car we attempt to go from zero to sixty in 4 seconds flat, without going through any of the relevant gears.  In an attempt for instant self improvement we try to go from nothing to everything far too quickly without allowing our minds and bodies time to adjust. As a result aching limbs, cravings and frustrations at not having mastered a new skill by Jan 14th mean we often simply throw in the towel and quit. The answer might well be short sharp bursts of 10 mins. Everyone can find 10 mins in the day. Everyone. And by doing just 10 mins a day, by getting into a routine, by finding a rythym, whatever your goal is, it becomes a habit, not something you dread doing, but som...