4th January No kits, no tests, no cases, no problem!

In a Baldrick like cunnning plan, the government has decided that the best way to tackle the Omicron crisis is to completly remove lateral flow test kits from circulation. 

With data analysts rumoured to be about to run out of numbers to record the daily infection figures, the brain boxes at no 10, along with health minister Sajiv Javed, have come up with an idea so radical it would have had the dragons on Dragon's Den coming to blows over a chance to invest.

Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very infectious investigater, government spokesperson, Statis Tician, revealed "Obviously we were all concerned by the rising number of cases as more people were encouraged to test themselves before popping to Tesco for the weekly shop. The numbers were just going up and up and up almost as quickly as Boris' popularity is going down and down and down. Then the penny dropped!"

“If people can't access a testing kit, then people won’t be able to test themselves. If they don't test themselves then they won’t test positive, and if they don't test positive then the number of postive cases will go right down. And if anyone does manage to get their hands on a black market testing kit on somethign like Ebay then we will reduce the isolation period to less time than it takes to report the positive tests." 

"By the end of the month after we have managed to remove any remaining kits from Pharmacies and cancel the on line booking systen then the pandemic will be over. And after that well who knows...if someone pays me a nice bung we might remove the word sleaze from the dictionary so there will be issue with that!"


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