11th January The cream rises to the top

In a ground breaking move, the north west's favourite supermarket, Morrisons, yesterday took one small step for man but one giant leap for mankind by removing all the confusion that normally arises as people struggled to know the difference between the best by and use by date on a bottle of milk.  

Instead, the shop that boasts there are more reasons to shop there than anywhere else, has introduced some simple procedures that everyone can understand. These include the following basic tests to see if you really should drink that milk you've left out in the sun over the weekend.

Look at it: Is it another other colour except white and / or is the bottle / carton bulging as if ready to explode?

Smell it: Does it smell like a pair of hiking socks that haven't been changed for the entire length of the Pennine Way?

Try to pour it: Does it comes out in lumps / chunks or even not at all?

Swish a bit around your mouth: Does it have the texture of Cottage Cheese and stimulate your gag reflex?

Do a Delia: Simply pop it into the 'Meeecrow Wavey' for two mins. Can you now stand an unsupported spoon up in it ?

Offer it to your cat: Do even they refuse it?

 At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure is unsure whether this latest move will backfire and leave a sour taste in the mouths of Morrisons customers. Let's hope not.