8th January Grange Hill The Movie: Just say no

With news that the iconic BBC TV show Grange Hill is going to be made into a movie, thousands of middle aged man and women up and down the land have joined together to utter the infamous phrase utter by Zammo,  "Just Say No" in an attempt to avoind a crushing mid life disappointment.

They’ll f&^k with the theme tune: Alan Hawkshaw’s iconic theme tune that would summon a nations children (well those allowed to watch it) to gather infront of the gogglebox, will be given either by a hip hop remix with indecipherable lyrics or be transformed into a mourful dirge featuring Billy Eyelash.

Too woke and PC even for snowflakes: Expect to be overwhelmed with constant messages about mental health, well being and gender fluidity. Be prepared to be bombarded about body shaming, inclusion  and refugees. Get ready to see more people of different skin tones and disabilities that you would at the Paralympics. On your marks to experience the menace that was Mr Bronson reimagined as a transexual pastoral counceller.

You’ll realise how ancient you are: Anyone who watched the original Grange Hill back in the day must be pushing 50 now. A camoe appearance by the once lard ball but now super lean and athletc Roly Patterson will just remind you of you own mortailty and how much you've let yourself go over the past 40 years. All you'll be left with is the burning question 'where did it all go wrong?'

30 min children’s show don't translate to 100 million films

Cardboard scenery, ham acting and stuff about saying no to drugs will be replaced by CGI backdrops, 25 year old actors playing 12 year old children and be set in a private school in Oxfordshire,with an outstanding Ofsted rating,  where class B drugs are legally sold to fund school building projects.

Nostagia won't be what it once was: If you need a trip down memory lane, then simply rewatch the old episodes or better still the original Baywatch where the sight of Pamela Anderson's boobs bouncing along a Santa Monica beach will help remind you why watching TV fueled by teenage hormones was simply fabulous. It's been all downhill since then. And that's not just a reference to Pamela's boobs.



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