Grace Under Pressure 2

In breaking news Grace Under Pressure can reveal that Great Britain owes its very existance this morning to former PM Boris Johnson who it appears single handedly managed to catch and dissarm a nuclear missile fired at this septered isle by international bad boy Vladimer Putin. Or something like that. In a fully fictional news story that is in no way, shape or form meant to detract people's attention from a dodgy loan deal for £800,000 facilitated by Richard Sharp, the man who was soon after appointed head of the BBC, Grace Under Pressure spoke exclusively to Ballistic Boris who revealed "Phwoar, Kapow, Whizz, Kripes, Blimey, Gadzukes!" At the time of going to press, in addition to once again going uninvited to the Ukraine and managing to look more dishevelled than those who have been fighting on the frontline for the past 12 month, rumours are circulating that Boris' next superhero event will be to fly round the world so fast he will actually cause time here in the U...

Last night I went into Nottingham to see Sara Pascoe, a familiar face from our TV screens theses days being as she is quite a regular of quiz / panel shows. It was a relatively cheap night out even if I hadn't actually remembered I was going until I saw the entry in my diary a couple of days before The title of her current tour is Success Story and the first half of the show deals with the time period between singing on but failing to actually make the final cut for an episode of Michael Barrymores' My kinda people' as a 14 yr old, to being told some 25 years later that she still couldn't sing by Geri Hallwell of Spice Girls fame on 'All Together Now' yet another TV show.  As she continued to share in this very autobiographical show Sara admitted that although she is famous she is not 'that' famous, not when compared to other people she occasionally finds herself with such as Buzz Aldrin, you know that one who went to the moon!! She is still very much on...

Esther Rantzen has been diagnosed with cancer. That's Life.

I am not sure if its possible to taper down from a position of relative unfitness to one of relative unreadiness but thats what I am hoping to achieve in the next week.  Anyone familiar with running training programs, and I do not include myself in that group, will know that the week before a big run, the idea is to already have all the hard miles in the bank and so be able to cut back on the distance / time run in the week leading upto the big race. This allows your body to rest, recover and be ready for the B of the bang. That is of course assuming that you have done the required amount of training, put in the early mornings, the long miles and generally pulled your finger out in the weeks proceeding the 'taper' week. If you haven't, and never have previously, then you find yourself in my position just seven days out from the 13 mile Charnwood hill race next sunday.  Now there are several things that alarm me about that description which are in no particular order 13, hil...

Chief executive of Trans Pennine railways, Ivan Engine, has issued an unreserved apology to passengers from Manchester after one of their trains accidently reached Leeds, leaving travellers with the unenviable task of spending several hours stranded in a city thats makes Mariupol seem vibrant. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure one unfortunate traveller explained, "Normally the train is either cancelled meaning I can spend the day in Piccaddily station or shopping in the Arndale, or it just gets as far as the moors and the whole carriage just cracks open a bring and share picnic. We all then pretend to all be working from home but with a really bad internet connection. And the views are really lovely." "It's bad enough having to travel using a company whose name suggests all the passengers are in the middle of some gender identity process but no one ever imagined that the train would actually get to Leeds. And to be honest once was enough. I'm still receiving couns...

Rumour reaching Grace Under Presure suggest that Oscars host for 2023 Jimmy Kimmel has already begun training for Hollywood's biggest night. Training not to deliver killer joke after killer joke but training to avoid geting punched in the mouth following last years slapfest with Will Smith and Chris Rock. With the big hitters in the film industry recently anounced for the Oscars, Kimmel has engaged the service of several masters of their art in order to preserve his pretty boy looks. Undefeated former boxing champion Floyd Mayweather Jnr has come out of retirement for the 6th time to school him in the arts of moving and faking, ducking and diving in order to slip a punch. Mentalist Derren Brown has also been added to Kimmel's backroom team in the hope that he will not utter the words 'Jada Pinkertt Smith'. Whether it will all kick off at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles on March 12is ayones guess, but should it come to a Squid Game style survival of the fittest contest ...

S ometimes you can be a little bit late to the party. Just recently I have wondered where I was in the early to mid 90's when Suede burst onto the scene and have been catching up on their first few cd's. Something much more recent is Sam Ryder who I have just discovered shot into public prominence due to a series of cover songs he released on Tik Tok. Perhaps it was because he was chosen to represent the UK at Eurovision, which let's be honest is not something I highlight with my flourescent marker in my TV guide to make sure I don't miss it. Combine that with all the hype, innumerable TV appearances and well although I knew about him and had heard his song 'Space Man' more times that was really neccesary on Radio 2, I hadn't really heard him. Or heard 'that' voice.  Until yesterday when I stumbled across this, his acoustic version of the anthemic Queen hit Radio Ga Ga. Again definitly not one of my favourite Queen songs but one which managed to get ...

In an exclusive on line virtually true interview Grace Under Pressure can reveal that Conservative party chairman and former used car salesman Nadhim Zahawi is feeling just a little sheepish this morning after carelessly forgetting to pay several million pounds in tax which he was Chancellor of the Exchequer. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's at times very taxing correspondent, Mr Zahawi explained, "Look it was an easy mistake to make. I simply thought that the trays of gold ingots just lying around the house were in fact Ferrerro Rocher chocolates left over from Christmas. That was just careless." "It was only when I tried to bite into one that I thought to myself, 'hey Nads these posh chocs have gone a bit hard. A bit like I did at the thought of keeping all my lovely lolly from the tax man by channelling shares into my father in laws name and then putting them in an off shore tax haven. Which I am assured by my tax consultant Mr Jimmy Carr from the firm '...

With wild camping and wild swimming seeming to be so popular that even Robson Green is now doing them , perhaps its time to try some alternatives from the wilder side of life? Wild shopping involves trading a visit to the supermarket or lifestyle experience of your choice for a jolly to somewhere at the opposite end of the retail chain. Trade down by leaving behind perfectly manicured aisles full of organic pasta and natural virgin pressed fennel jui in Waitrose to engage in hand to hand combat across the middle aisle in Lidl with ferral children whose mothers dressed in PJ's and matching fluffy slippers are more concerned with their latest Insta post that their Lord of the flies behaviour. Or trade up and buy yourself an M&S meal for two for the price of an entire basket of food from Aldi. Feeling thirsty then per chance wild drinking is for you. This involves leaving those hipster boutique bars where a pint cost £8 and tastes of nothing more than bubbles and instead head to t...

With less than 10 days to go to the end of the month, 46 yr old Hucknall resident, Cal Orie Conshus almost came to grief with his New Years challenge. Not for Cal Orie Conshus, the routine challenge of a dry January of even worse a vegan start to the month. No for Cal Orie Conshus  the challenge was to mention the fact that he has a new air fryer at least 5 times a day to family, friends and strangers whether it is part of the ongoing conversation or not. On the tram, in supermarket queues, waiting at a cashpoint machine, during a meeting on zoom, down the pub, at the football and of course whilst eating his lunch with workmates, no opportunity has been wasted by Cal Ori Conshus to spread the word about his new air fryer.  Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's latest fad fanatic, Cal revealed, "Haven't you got one? What are you crazy. It really does revolutionise the way you can cook. I was so ahead of the curve I got mine when they first came out for just under £1,500 which ...

Having to do a 6 hour shift at work, especially one that finishes at 4am is not high on anyone's dream jobs but millions of people do it ever day without complaining. So how much sympathy does the man on the street really have for Andy Murray after the blatent breach of his human rights down in Australia ? Well it depends... Does your 'job' take you all over the world flying 1st class and staying in 5 star luxury hotels with an entourage of people to caer fto your every whim? Does your 'job' play out in a stadium filled with adoring fans prasing your every move? Does your job give you multiple lucrative sponsorship deals so that to be honest you never actually have to buy anything yourself cause you get so much fee s*t anyway? Does your job make you a so called personality like Andy Murray even though the actual abscence of a personality seems to be his main feature?  Has the birth of your children merited a feature on News at 10? Do you wish that your mum came to w...

On a clear but possibly frostbite inducing morning the question was always going to be, not whether I go for a little jog but where shoud I go for a run? Where should I go that didn't involve the risk of everything underfoot being frozen with possible back ice and where should I run that was hopefully all bathed in sunshine for the entire route. The answer was the Chatsworth estate,just 15 mins drive from TOM'S.  So a little earlier on this morning I enjoyed a pedestrian potter for just under 4.5 miles in what I would call Goldilocks weather, not too hot, not too cold, but just right. It didn't make my running any quicker but it did make it more enjoyable as I ran up,down and across fields and open spaces that looked as if they had all been dusted in a light covering of icing sugar. With not a breath of wind to freeze the ears or fingertips it was a lovely way to start the day.

The BBC switchboard has been overwhelmed with complaints from irrate viewers after former crisps salesman, Gary Linekar, completely ruined the sound of a couple in the midst of what sounded like a bout of vigerous and possibly gymnastic lovemaking by his inane comments about Cody Gapko during the Wolverhampton Wanderers vs Liverpool FA cup tie A spokesperson from the BBC offered an unreserved apology  “We regret any offence caused to viewers who had the unmistakable sounds of orgasmic ecstasy drowned out by Gary Lineker trying to earn every penny of his £1.35 million pound salary, under the delusion that he gets paid by the word." "Here at the BBC we are a broad church and we attempt to cater for all sorts of diverse tastes. We suggest to our viewers that should they like the sound of grunting, groaning and high pitched squeeling they should tune into the Ladies tennis championships at Wimbledon later this year." At the time of gong to press Grace Under Pressure is ab...

Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Mark Rowley was today said to be absolutly flabbergasted that a serving police officer know to all his mates in the station as 'Devious Date Rape Dave' posed a problem to society at large. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own citizen's arrest practitioner, Sir Mark lamented, "If only we had recieved some clues apart from the nine different occasions when his behaviour came to our attention over a 20 year period we might have been able to act. Yes there was that What's App group containing comments that would make serial mysoginist Andrew Tate blush with embarrassment but that's just 'station bants' amongst the lads isn't it." "We are trained investigative professionals not psychics. We can only work on hard evidence not mere speculation. I mean we can't organise a line up based solely on station nicknames can we. Who do you think would be able to spot the potential sexual predetor from a ...

In an exclusive interview with Grace Under Pressure, multi millionaire Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has revealed himself to be just like you and me and completely in touch with the reality millions of Britains face on a day to day basis. Having revealed last week that he was registered with an NHS GP, which he has obvioulsly never ever used, thus taking up a valuable space at that particular surgery, today Rishi has revealed that he and his wife once drove past an actual state school with their children. Very, very fast with a police convoy. "Yeah, " explained Mr Sunak, " I wanted to see how those struggling with the cost of living crisis were doing so I took a little trip through Knightbridge and came pretty close to a state run school. Within several streets of one in fact. It was shocking to see how at least one poor child wasn't dropped off at the gates by his mummy driving a 4x 4 Range Rover, an essential nip around town vehicle." "And now you've men...

What might less than 8 days ago have seemed like a very very niche market, has due to what Jeremy Paxman describes as the 'moaning of a terrifically priviliged young man', suddenly turned into a multi million pound best seller. Welcome to the world of 'Princely Penis Poultice' the new soothing cock balm by Elizabeth Arden. Whilst 99.9% of men worldwide would have chopped off their own cock rather than reveal it has suffered frostbite, thanks to the untold references to his troubled todger in Prince Harry's autobiography (vol 1), Elizabeth Arden's 'Princely Penis Poultic'  is on course to become the best male grooming product in history. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, cosmetics spokesman, Ivor Bigone, revealed himself by explaining, 'It's a global phenomenoa that at some stage in their life men will suffer from a wonky willy, a malfunctioning member, a poorly pecker or simply a catastophic cock that is red, cracked and simply no good to man nor...

   

  The great British public have been left slack jawed this week at the display of bravery in the line of fire shown by Wills and Kate following their recent savaging by brother (in law) Harry. Showing a level of mental strength that not even years of butterfly tapping via Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprogramming therapy could achieve, the young couple have been seen going about their normal daily routine of waving and wearing almost coordinated outfits amost as if nothing had happened. Crowds who had perhaps expected to see the young couple utterly shellshocked following the revelations in innumerable TV interviews, Netflix episodes and quotes from 'that book' were astonished to see them walking, waving and smiling , despite the thousand daggers stuck in their backs Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, ardent royalist, Ivor Kingnow said: “I was so afraid not just for Wills and Kate but for the future of the country. The NHS queues, the various strikes, the cost of li...

  In a world exclusive Grace Under Pressure's very own picture of health reporter can reveal that potential patients up and down the land are planning to go on strike in protest against the inability to get hospital appointments, chronic waiting lists, under investment and the constant whinging of NHS staff about how they can't afford four nights out a week due to their piss poor wages of an average £34,000 a year. In an exclusive interview that many are rating almost as factually accurate at Prince Harry's autobiography, angry potential patient, Ivan Issue, founder member of POOP, (Patients Opposed to 'Ospital Practitioners)  revealed " We are proposing several days of action when we will virtually picket all NHS health outlets by not turning up for appointments, and generally refusing to be ill."  "Let's see how the doctor's nurses, physio and ambulance drives feel when they have bugger all to do all day except pop down to the hospitals branch o...

Last night I had a little solo jolly out into Nottingham to the Lace Market Theatre to see a play called Constellations written by Nick Payne that poses questions about reality, time, chance, free will, choice, life, memory, death, bee keeping and astrophysics.  Featuring just two actors and performed in what I would describe as an upstairs room rather than 'on stage' it was a beautiful, beguiling, funny, thought provoking and challenging 75 minute production that focussed on the central premise of how many times a story could be told if we were to believe that every choice we made or didn't make opened up a new possible path into the future. And what if all those possible futures were happening at the same time in different universes. Confused, well think of the scene in the movie Sliding Doors (if you have seen it)  in which runs two parrallel stories emerge depending on whether Gwyneth Paltrow manages to catch a particular undergound train or not. Indeed Marvel has brou...

  It says it all

An almost 59 year old man from Hucknall is reported to have thrown caution to the wind and abandoned all sense of reason yesterday by not only putting his heating on for a whole 2 hours but also having the decadent extravagance of running himself a bath. The man who wished to remain anonymous and who we will therefore call,Titus Achuff, came to this momentous decision in the midst of what might later turn out to be a complete mental breakdown brought on by running the slowest ever 3.5miles through a mud splattered Blidworth Woods that morning Titus Achuff, who up until this point had been regularly glimpsed by his neighbours wandering around inside his house wearing more layers than an onion, decided that he might as well blow his entire £600 government fuel grant on a luxurious soak in bubble bath infused waters, surrounded by scented candles and a soundtrack of well laid back tunes. Unaccustomed to such luxury or temperatures, one concerned neighbour was ready to phone the emergency ...

  Just a little something for a mellow Monday. This is King Canyon featuring Derek Trucks on guitar and the smooth 'Mulholland Drive'  

So the question on everyone lips, well on the lips of those with no life and nothing better to wonder about, is so who was the older women who took Prince Harry's virginity? Today in a virtually true exclusive Grace Under Pressure runs its eye over the possible fillies who had that dubious honour in the Cherry Popping Handicap stakes Home Counties Henrietta is well known in certain circles as a real thoroughbred who will always go the distance. Performs better on heavy ground and has been the grateful recipient of several studs in recent years. Not quite ready for the glue factory just yet, Home Counties Henrietta would be a good each way bet. In her time Windsor Wendy has earned a well desered track record of givng a good ride to most of the stable boys. Responsive to the whip, this fine filly goes from nought to sixty in a few seconds. Less experienced mounts would prove troublesome to the first timer. With Windsor Wendy, Prince Harry would certainly have been in safe hands.   Th...

In a world exclusive Prince Harry's dog, Pula the labrador,  has revealed the until now undisclosed trauma he suffered as a result of a bit of 'brotherly bovver' in the kitchen of Nott Cott back in 2018. Speaking to Grace Under Pressures canine correspondent, Pula revealed, " I think the focus until now has been all wrong. So far it's all been about the two brothers, the torn off necklace and the life threatening injuries my ginger master suffered as a consequence. Nobody seems to remember that it was MY BOWL that was broken." "And far be it from me to claim it was anything to do with race but it was the BLACK labrador who was targetted. Not Guy  the adopted beagle or Bogart, the German Shepherd Labrador cross. No it was the BLACK dog that got it's bowl smashed. And if that wasn't bad enough I had to re enact the moment for that Netflix documentary. To be honest I'm barking mad over the whole incident." "And yes I've had to have ...

Odds are already being taken on various online betting forums as to which Hucknall charity shop will be the first to received a disgarded copy Prince Harry's biography entitled Spare (us the details).  Released on Tuesday, unless you live in Spain, many are predicting that by Wednesday lunchtime, having allowed time for the nasea to settle, charity shops here in the UK will be inunndated with people desperate to be rid of the 409 page whingeathon as soon as possible. Grace Under Pressure's liguistically lax team have translated the Spanish version which has already been seen in Oxfam shops up and down the Costa Brava.  In a world exclusive we can reveal the shocking truth that... Harry (or should that be Harold) was made to sleep on the bottom bunk whenever the boys stayed over at Grandmas. And had to go to bed earlier! William once pushed Harry over in the playground, causing him to terminally bruise his ego. William refused to associate with Harry at Eton because he was a ...

In what many people might describe as a moment of numerical madness, Rishi Sunak has revealed his plan to transform the UK economy by turning all teenagers into versions of Rachel Riley. Not I hasten to add via genetic manipulation or cloning but rather by making math (or even maths) compulsory at school until the age of 18. Speaking in an exclusive interview with Grace Under Pressure's very own innumerate investigator who strugggled to come to terms with 'counting' when letters started to enter the equation (literally) , Government Minister for Sums, Al Gebra, revealed, "In this utopia land that Rishi has dreamed up, everyone will talk about Fibornacce sequences whilst queing in the supermarket and be able to correctly complete the Countdown number challenge in their heads whilst simultaneously equating how to work their TV programmer." Fellow government maths boffin, Professor Cal Culus, added, " Alongside the ubiquitous mobile phone firmly grasped in one ...

With the end of the 12 days of Christmas not yet even in sight, high street shops and supermarkets up and down the country are pleased to announced that it is now officially Easter. With the birth of the baby Jesus already forgotten and tinsel festooned Christmas trees thrown out for the weekly rubbish collection, the competition for shops and supermarkets to ramm their store front displays and shelves with Easter eggs has begun, none of them designed to focus on the other part of the Christian story that people think they know but don't Supermarket manager, Grabba Bar Gin, speaking exclusivly to Grace Under Pressure confirmed, “Yes I know we are only four days into January and many of us are still clinging on to the vain hope that we can go the whole month without a very large G&T, but it is already Easter so buy those chocolate eggs whilst stocks last as they will only be on sale until the end of Feb when our 2023 Halloween stock comes in."

Gerald Story was the President of Cancer Research UK in Worksop and a founder member of the organising committee. His very keen interest in running, also led to him being the founder member of Worksop Harriers & AC.  Yesterday alongside several other members of the Ravenshead Running club I entered what was described (and sold it to me) as a 5.6 mile Family Fun Run and Walk set up in memory of Gerald, a man who gave so much to both running and Cancer Research. The entry fee for the race went towards supporting the latter charity. On a glorious January day, under a cloudless blue sky and with just a hint of chill in the air, we set off not quite on the B of the bang, out along a mix of hard track and at times quite muddy trails through Clumber woods on the outskirts of Worksop. Looking at the map provided pre race I had worried that large sections of the route looked 'railway track' straight which to be honest is not the most exciting way to run but as it turned out I did...

  In a gastronomic first, Grace Under Pressure is proud to announce that the favourite breakfast for residents of Vatican City has been revealed as Ex Benedict.

As most Brits are still sound asleep, no longer dreaming of a white Christmas but of a much better New Year, news arriving from New Zealand, where people live in the future and where its been 2023 for absolutly ages, suggests that everything is still ‘pretty shit’ With almost the entire population of earth desperate to see the back of the year 2022, which has officially been voted the 3rd worst year ever after 2020 and 2021,  concerning news reaching Grace Under Pressure's desk from the land of the long white cloud, suggest bugger all has changed. Local Auckland resident, Jasminda Adeen, spoke exclusively to Grace Under Pressure from 'the future' in what experts understand to be the first virtually true interview of 2023. "Yeah sorry everyone, but judging from the first half of day one of 2023 optimism and hope still haven't been located." "We've still got the threat of a new Covid variant from China, nuclear war as a result of the Ukraine / ...