16th January Introducing Elizabeth Arden's 'Princely Penis Poultice'


What might less than 8 days ago have seemed like a very very niche market, has due to what Jeremy Paxman describes as the 'moaning of a terrifically priviliged young man', suddenly turned into a multi million pound best seller. Welcome to the world of 'Princely Penis Poultice' the new soothing cock balm by Elizabeth Arden.

Whilst 99.9% of men worldwide would have chopped off their own cock rather than reveal it has suffered frostbite, thanks to the untold references to his troubled todger in Prince Harry's autobiography (vol 1), Elizabeth Arden's 'Princely Penis Poultic'  is on course to become the best male grooming product in history.

Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, cosmetics spokesman, Ivor Bigone, revealed himself by explaining, 'It's a global phenomenoa that at some stage in their life men will suffer from a wonky willy, a malfunctioning member, a poorly pecker or simply a catastophic cock that is red, cracked and simply no good to man nor beast'

"Many men suffer in silence, too ashamed to even contemplate mentioning it in passing conversation with their mates down the pub. Well suffer no more. Thanks to this new product men simply need apply a generous dose of 'Princely Penis Poultice' to the affected area, wrap it up in a thick woollen sock and then simply retire to bed. Eight hours later morning glory will have been restored and you will feel a new man. You will also be able to feel your 'old boy' without the need for horse tranquilizers first."

At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure is unable to confirm whether you actually need to be a Cock in order for Princely Penis Poultice to work on your cock but we suspect that might be the case.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

6th May Olbia

Image
  A chance to stretch our legs today with our first port of call; Olbia, Sardinia. And it was a quick stretch too due to it being only a five hour stay. Up bright and early, so early in fact that the hot food at the buffet wasn't even ready to be served. Still it gave us a chance to watch the ship glide into port past a host of oyster/mussel beds, before performing a 180 degree turn to reverse into it's berth. A couple of short bus rides later and we were in downtown Olbia. But there an hour or so before anything appeared to open, the disadvantage of being early birds and something we don't seem to learn! Not that Olbia had a great deal to see or maybe if we had done the slightest bit of planning beforehand there might have benn but we didn't. It was pleasant enough but that's about it. It was pleasant enough but nothing special, indeed we were back on the ship after just a couple of hours ashore and then managed to sleep away most of th...
Read more

7th May Naples

Image
 I'm sure I've heard the phrase 'see Naples and die' suggesting that it is perhaps not the nicest location in the Mediterranean but if it's good enough for Diego Maradona fir a few years then it's good enough for me for 10 hours. Although the millions of tax free pounds he was paid might have eased his stay. By the time we got up, washed, dressed and up to The Kitchens, the rest of the ship were already there. Compared to the Marie Celeste of yesterday it was absolutely packed, presumably with people having breakfast before heading out on 8am excursions, our excursion was simply going to be the city of Naples itself as possible trips to Vesuvius, Pompei or the Amalfi coast would have been too much / tired.  So on a day when the weather initially seemed uncertain, we jumped aboard route A for the Hop on Hop off bus and headed out into the mayhem that is the Napoli traffic where it was every van, car and scooter for the selves. I think it's bes...
Read more