Grace Under Pressure 2

A 58 yr old man living in Hucknall has inadvertantly managed to create one of the greatest mathematical puzzles every devised.  Boffins and brainboxes up and down the land who like nothing better than trying to solve a Dophantine equation, have been left scratching their heads after trying to work out the complex series of number patterns generated after this unnamed individual attempted to submit his gas and electricity readings prior to midnights price hike.  Quite unsure what he was actually attempting to read, he decided in his wisdom it would be far better just to offer up every single combination of numbers after pressing each and every button on his gas and electricity meter over and over again. It is now quite possible he has now inadvertantly suggested to OVO that he has consumed energy equivalent to a small developing country in the past two months. At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure is unable to confirm that this unnamed man will be spending today ca...

  I'd heard about it but hadn't actually heard it. Now I have.  And it's beautiful. And incredibly moving.  

With the world still recovering from the fact that Chris Rock appears to take a punch better than Amir Khan, following the kerfuffal at Sunday Night's Oscar ceremony, the man at the middle of the controversy, Will Smith, has finally uttered an apology. A visibly upset and tearful Smith revealed “I would just like to apologise, to the academy, to my fellow nominees, to my fellow actors, indeed to all those who love cinema for my behaviour. I don't know what came over me. I didn’t think it would be that bad but then I just lost control. Emotions just got the better of me. As many of you will know this is not the first time it has happened. My behaviour was uneacceptable and inexcusable. It is not something I am proud of and apologise for the embarrassment it has caused to so many people. I can fully understand that some may take a while to recover from viewing such scenes. I was out of line. I was wrong. I am a work in progress and hope to do better' When asked by Grace Un...

The reviews are in and its five stars all the way for Will Smith's latest performance. A 'sure fire hit' is what Hollywood Reporter is calling it. 'One to bring tears to your eyes' is how the Tinsle Town Tittle Tattle summed it all up. 'Full of surprises' remarked the Red Carpet Daily, whilst 'Packs one hell of a punch' was the headline racing across the twittersphere after an irrate Will Smith 'bitch slapped' host for the evening, Chris Rock, live on air.  Will Smith attended Sunday nights Oscar ceremonies as a hot favourite to take home the prize for best actor for his performance in King Richard, a film that was loved by critics but seen by less than 20 people since its cinematic release at the box office. Quite what caused Smith to 'take the hump' as he did will remain a mystery, after all a joke about his wife's hair loss surely cannot be as hurtful as standing by hearing jokes about all the extra marital affairs. Smith, who...

In probably the clearest example in kitchen history of a pot calling a kettle black, the Conservative goverment have set a new level of hypocrisy after expressing serious concerns about P&O boss Peter Hebblethwaite 'knowingly breaking the law.' Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very legalistic layabout, government spokesman, Duzna Applyto Uz, encapsulated the fury on the Tory front benches when he revealed, "People in positions of power and authority should not assume that the laws of the land, don't actually apply to the people that make them, unless of course they are a teeny weeny bit inconvenient in which case just ignore them and hope you don't get caught ."  "Status, wealth or standing in the community should have no bearing on who such apply too. Indeed anyone knowingly breaking the laws including lockdown ones should resign immediately unless off course we are talking about government ministers, special advisors and senior Civil Servant...

Back in 1989, the never ageing Cher posed the question 'If I could turn back time', a song whose lyrics talked about the feelings of remorse due to bad deeds and the willingness to reverse time to make things right. If I was able to do that, it would be all the way back to Sept 2019 which was the last time I managed to attend the 5km Markeaton Park run, located in the suburbs of Derby. Now that might seem to be a very long way, not to run, (although it sometimes feels like it),  but to travel in order to run considering where I currently live, but it is right on the doorstep of the location for our three times a year synod.  And so I am able to travel down from TOM's, run the race / plod round the park, and then arrive all hot, sweaty and shirtless at synod, much to the wide eyed amazement of the car park steward on duty.  If I could turn back time, slow it down and perhaps even stop it, I might have run a little bit quicker than I did on previous occasions I have attempt...

Having managed to offset the 50p increase in the price of petrol over the past month with a 5p reduction in fuel duty, Grace Under Pressure can reveal that mutli millionaire Rishi Sunak is in complete denial that he has lost touch with the common man after failing to realise that owning a £200 ‘smart’ coffee mug isn’t completely normal or helpful to try and shield those on low incomes from the cost of living crisis. When questioned Mr Sunak was also in denial that his wife, billionaire Akshata Murthy,  has a £490million stake in a company which is still operating in Moscow and has links to a major Russian bank. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very frugal financial fixer, 4ft 16 inch, dishy Rishi explained, "I know nothing about this allegation and deny any links with Russia. In fact who is this Akshata Murthy, I don't think I know who she is and am pretty certain I have never ever met her. As for being married to her, well I ask you do  look as if I am married....except...

For those people used to picking something  up last minute from the garage forecourt for Mother's Day, this year there is another exciting option: gift packaged petrol. Banish the horrors of having to give an oil stained card and a bunch of flowers that come with the unmistakable whiff of E10 unleaded or heavy dury deisel. Now your Mum can have the real thing, proper petrol, all beautifully wrapped and packaged like perfume or expensive wine.    Available in handy 1, 3 and 5 litre containers, depending on how well you are getting on with your Mum at the time, this contemprary gift will be presented to look more like Dolce and Gabbana rather than BP, the premium packaging reflecting the premium price you wil have to pay at the pumps.Petrol vouchers will also be available at selected stores   Sit back safe in the knowledge that your Mum will now have enough fuel for a round trip to Lidl, to do her weekly shop, even if the cost of living means she won't actually be abl...

When a concert starts off with possible the worst support act I have even seen / heard, one can only hope that things will get better. Sometimes they don't.Last night I had a jolly to the Manchester Academy to see Future Islands, an American synth pop band fronted by the wonderfully charismatic Samuel T Herring.  Unfortunatly it was the right band appearing in the wrong venue. Horrible acoustics meant that from where I was towards the back, in order to avoid the Covid crush, I could hardly hear a word that was sung or to be honest spoken. Was the person on the sound desk deaf or was I just in the wrong part of the room? Then people just insisted in chatting all the way through it, with the two women in front of me so lost in endless chatter I don't think they even realised there was a band on stage. Add to that the constant wandering back and forth either to get even more drink or as a consequence repeatedly have to empty their bladders, and I am convinded that 3/4 of the peopl...

Are you worried about the war in Ukraine? The rising number of Covid infections (again)? The spiraling cost of living? Knife crime? Mental Health issues? Length of NHS waiting lists? Exams? Puberty? Closure of high street banks? Mid life crisis? Church council meetings? Social inequality? Noisy neighbours? Menapause? Relationship issues? Climate change? Refugees and asylum seekers? Child labour? Corruption? Violence? Racial injustice? Gun crime? Deforestation? Overpopulation? Your Amazon Prime order not arriving within the hour? Or feeling you are suffering a sense of Deja Vu? Well worry no more because Kate and William are on tour! Watch your worries simply vanish as you gaze gooey eyed at pictures of Kate in a colourful dress, William playing football with all the coordination of Bambi, the two of them recreating a scene from Cool Running or bangin' out a sick beat on some bongos. All captured from multiple angles in this weekend's special sychophantic 180 page souvenie...

The war in Ukraine. The rising number of Covid infections (again) The spiraling cost of living. Knife crime. Mental Health issues. Length of NHS waiting lists. Exams. Puberty. Closure of high street banks. Mid life crisis. Church council meetings. Social inequality. Noisy neighbours. Menapause. Relationship issues. Climate change. Refugees and asylum seekers. Child labour. Corruption.  Violence. Racial injustice. Gun crime. Deforestation. Overpopulation. And your Amazon Prime order not arriving within the hour. All of these will now simply vanish.....because Bridgerton is back!

Despite being roundly and rightfully critised from all side of the political spectrum for claiming that battling to save your homeland from invading Russian forces was the equivalent of voting for Brexit, help for the Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has come from an unexpected source today. Standing amongst the ruins of what was once the city of Mariupol, primary school teacher, Tatyana Biblova, took a break from trying to locaate survivors in the underground shelter beneath her school, to speak to Grace Under (very heavy) Pressure. "It is the inspiration of the ill informed voters in the UK who voted to leave the EU, that is giving me and my fellow citizens the courage to keep defening the hell that was once my home. Whilst it might not be on a par to having to take a quiet stroll down to a polling station to vote for taking back to control of how straight bananas have to be, I hope history will record our efforts as being pretty close." On the front line of defending the cit...

A beautiful day in Buxton under a cloudless blue sky. Browsing in the bookshops. Pottering along the pedestrianised way. Lunching at Weatherspoons. Soaking up the sunshine. Admiring the newly renovated Buxton Cresent. People watching in the park. And just been aware that Spring is finally here. What better way to spend the day!  

On a beautiful cloudless day in the glorious surroundings of the Peak District, 56 yr old cyclist, Ima Saddlesore, has created a new national record of having 83 cars behind him as he exercised his right, according to the new highway code, to ride slap bang in the middle of the road. Clad from head to toe in the latest and brightest flourescent lycra, almost as much planning had gone into this feat of athletic ineptitude as went into Eliot Kipchoge's attempt to break the 2 hr barrier for the marathon a couple of years ago. Speaking to Grace Under Pressures very own man undergoing a mid life crisis, Ima Saddlesore revealed, “It was a carefully planned route full of twisting, narrow country lanes, with minimal room to pass and no short cuts. Throw in the steep gradient and gorgeous weather with every man and his dog out for a nice drive and it was just perfect for my attempt to get into the Guiness book of world records." “I knew I was on for something special when I hit that f...

With the news that leaders of three western countries managed to negotiate a hazardous journey by rail from Poland to Kyiv in a show of support as the city came under further Russian attack, questions are being asked as to why Boris Johnson has not even thought about making a similar trip As the Prime Ministers of Poland, Slovenia and the Czech Republic met Ukraine's President Volodymyr Zelensky earlier this week in Kyiv, UK Prime minister Boris Johnson spoke exclusively to Grace Under Pressure about the multitude of excuses, sorry reasons, he didnt tag along. "Phwa, wiffle, fwor, gadzuks," he began as if that made everything crystal clear, "Without me appearing in my Hi Viz jacket and hard hat up and down the country, the moral of the entire UK construction industry will collapse and not a single brick will be laid, road tarmacked or green belt conservation area concreted over."  "Plus March is always a very busy time on Ukrainian Railways so it was impos...

After spending 6 years held prisoner in Iraq there are many things that Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe has missed.  Speaking in an exclusive interview with Grace Under Pressure at Brize Norton airport Nazanin revealed, " One of the things that kept me going during my enforced captivity was the hope that one day I would be able to go shopping with my husband   to BHS, Banana Republic Staples, Maplins, Poundworld, Victoria's Secret, Bonmarche, Debenhams and specially with my 7 year old daugher Gabriella to Toys R Us. It was a revelation that was met by an overwhelming silence in the press room. After an arkward silence that seemed to last as long as her captivity, her husband Richard whispered the shocking news in her ear that all those stores were in fact now closed.  Visibly disappointed Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe struggled to hide her emotion at this news but put on a brave face for the world's press before replying with great positivity, "Oh well never mind," she s...

  Fresh from a spot of DIY road repair outside his Harlow home, 72 yr old gravel voiced rocker, Rod Stewart, has taken out an advert in his local newspaper offering his services across a whole spectrum of community activities to earn a bit of extra cash.  Having ensured that his beloved Ferrari was able to negotiate the recently restored road, Stewart, replaced his high viz tabard and tracksuit bottoms for a more comfortable leopard print jacket and leather trousers and mused about his career options. "All this recording and touring just takes it out of me to be honest," he explained. And there's only so much time a grown man can spend playing with a mdel train set before people stop thinking I'm sexy and start asking if I'm senile. Even Penny, my missis has been biten by the community spirit and got involved by becoming a Special Constable with the City Of London Police force. And that uniform does wonders for me when she's off duty I can tell you." ...

In news of a quite cinematic scale, Bendedict Cumberbatch, has recieved rave reviews from critics and public alike, after what many have described as a career best performance at last night's BAFTA's. Cumberbatch, who many thought was a nailed on favourite to win Best Actor award for his role in The Power of the Dog, summoned up his years and years of experience on stage, film and the small screen, to absolutely steal the show with his portrayal of a man who pretended he wasn't really, really pissed off that he had not won the big prize, after he lost out to Will Smith. Renowned film critic, Clapper Board, remarked, "When the Best Actor winner was announced, all the cameras were on him, but Cumberbatch somehow managed to force a smile onto his face that almost appeared genuine despite requiring the most precise control over all 42 individual muscles in order to ensure it didn't dissolve in a thespian sulk of gargantuan proprtions." "Not even Daniel Day Le...

  Just a little laid back groove with an important message  

Always on the look out to make a mark in the music industry, unemployed Margate busker, Ivor Catchietune, has launched a multi million dollow law suit against Ed Sheeran after claming that he once played a C chord whilst uttering the word 'Perfect' was back in 2015 Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, Ivor Catchietune explained, " Although I never actually recorded it except on my sister's phone as soon as I heard that Ed Sheeran was being sued by someone else for stealing ideas for his smash hit 'Shape of You', well it was bleeding obvious that he must have hacked my phone to steal his idea for his Christmas no 1 song from 2017 'Perfect' “I mean it can't be a coincidence can it. He's ginger and I like ginger nuts. He used to play in subways and I have eaten lunch in Subways. He’s just a musical magpie and clearly having seen my talent for lyrics, he's taken my words or should that be word and put it in his song. I’ll take him to court for pla...

With all the assets of Roman Abramovich currently being as frozen as a celebrities face, the question racing around football grounds up and down the country is how long will it be before Chelski football club are forced to move from the Premier League to a Premier Inn? Chelski fans already taking to social media to admit that whilst the casualties of war come in many shapes and sizes, they are in fact the real victims in this conflict and question why Clive Myrie and Lyse Doucett have not done more interviews from the streets of south west London. Season ticket holder at The Bridge, Ima Trublu, revealed, "If the team is unable to wear Abromovich purchased kit and is forced to play in its underwear for the rest of the season, then I fear that their assets will be as frozen as those of my favourite billionaire oligarch. And that's not gonna help us achieve European football next year is it. I mean who is gonna go in for a shattering tackle if you are worried about your frozen ta...

As petrol prices soar across the country, drivers who are realising it now costs the same amount to fill up an average car as two weeks B&B in Blackpool cost back in the early 80's, have been looking at ways to cut down on their cash consumption. With an average family saloon petrol tank costing more than £80 to fill up, Grace Under Pressure offers yet more handy dandy tips on how to keep the pennies in your purse rather than puting them in the pump Improve your lung function by seeing how much fuel you can suck out of your neighbours car overnight whilst they are asleep.And who knows providing you remember to spit rather than swallow it might well improve your running or swimming performance in the process Try shifting out of 2nd gear as you approach 40 mph whilst screaching your way around town on your Sunday morning outing. Or just put your foot to the floor in an attempt to get there quicker and use less fuel  ln the process. Pretend you have actually broken down and get ...

Just as the government finally managed to get its act together in time for the 4th wave of Covid 19, so Grace Under Pressure can exclusively report that it hopes to get its visa policy up are running just in time for the 4th wave of Ukrainian refugees to start arriving in Calais. A spokesman for no 10 revealed that by midnight yesterday the British government had successfully processed the visa applications of six Ukrainian refugees out of the 1.5 million that had left that war torn country.  "This number would have been much higher," revealed Ivor Formtofillin, "but in the scramble to leave houses that were being bombed, many of the potential applicants unfortunatly failed to collect the relevant documents and essential paperwork to show that they were rich oligarchs, multi billionaires of current donors to the Tory party." "Plus none of them had qualifications to pick our fruit and veg. It would have been seven people but closer examination of someone who had...

A 58 yr old man who wishes to remain anonymous is today preparing to take Cadbury's Chocolate to the highest court of in the land in an attempt to prove that demands placed upon him by their products are not just an infringement on his civil liberties, personal freedom and human rights but are actually impossible to achieve. "Some boffin who has obvioulsy never left his laboratory and lived in the real world, is urging chocolate lovers to eat just half the bar with what they are calling mindful snacking," the man explained. "What's that supposed to be about I ask? With new packaging that is supposedly resealable, all my favourites such as Boost, Double Decker, Dairy Milk and Wispa will use a specialy developed  ‘memory technology solution’ that locks the wrapper with a twist. I mean what sort of a sadist came up with that nonesense." "Even Jesus wouldn't be able to resist the temptation to finish it all in one go and he was pretty good at that kind...

Having done your bit for the Ukraine by donating to the DEC Humanitarian appeal all the tat your local charity shops refused to take, perhaps you are now wondering just how you can personally put pressure on Putin, worry no more. Today Grace under Pressure offers some handy dandy tips on how you can help turn the screws on the Soviet psychopath Take Tchaikovsky off your turntable Strike a blow for freedom by refusing to listen to any Stravinsky, Borodin, Tchaikovsky , Rimsky-Korsakov , Mussorgsky , Rachmaninoff , Prokofiev , Shostakovich, replacing it instead with Pussy Riot played at ear bleeding volume. This aural assault will surely put Vlad the bad/mad in a terrible spin. Temper the tipples for your tasty treats   When shopping in Waitrose to find supplies for your frozen vodka jellies, that are all the rage at the local PTA meeting, avoid popping a bottle of Stolichnaya, Tsarskaya, Green Mark or even Smirnoff vodka into your shopping trolley. Instead slip a Grey Goose, Nemiro...

Sometimes when you are driving you hear a song on the radio and its just makes you want to pull over in order to be able to give it your full attention. Jamie Lawson's 'Wasn't Expecting That' was one such track from a few years ago. It was the kind of moment that made me search for it on Youtube as soon as I got home and then hit the repeat button for the next hour. I heard this particular tune on Jo Whiley'd Radio 2  show a couple of nights ago whilst driving back home and just loved it. Reminding me very much of Luke Sital Singh in both voice and delivery, this is in fact someone I had never heard of before, Richard Walters, but he is someone I would like to hear a lot more. This is the beautiful 'Unconditional' a song written for and about struggles he had experienced but survived in the relationship with his wife.  

Oh Saturday night TOM and I went into Nottingham to see 'Flo and Joan', who are uhm how shall I describe them, a rather ascerbic but very funny comedy musical duo. They also happen to be sisters in real life. Some of you might recognise them as they did a series of ads for the Nationwide Building Society a few years ago. Anyway we discovered them via an Amazon Prime special, and seeing as they reminded us both of Facsinating Aida, who Tom likes, we thought we'd give it a whirl live in the flesh. Mixing whimsy, cynacism and a little self-deprecation,  quite how they manage to remember all the words to the songs they performed in one thing, how they actually manage to sing them is quite another. The linguistic dexterity and tongue-twisting lyrics of Carol The Cracker-Packer is probably the best example of their songwriting.   And if the rhyme wasn’t already enough of an earworm, encouraging the audience to sing along at an increasing tempo further helped to drill the word...

  Let's be honest it's a mistake anyone can make. I mean one kid dressed up as Harry Potter look very much like another kid dressed up as Harry Potter. Especially if you are late because your Pilates class overran. So imagine the suprise following World Book Day on Thursday when 38yr old Melissa Tompkins arrived back home to the leafy suburbs of Hucknall to discover she had picked up the wrong child from the school gates. "I thought he looked a bit quite when I bundled him into the back of my Datsun Cherry," Melissa explained, "but I just put it down to the excitememnt of the day to be honest. Then during tea when he started to claim he didn't eat sausages because he was a vegetarian, well I thought it was just another foodie fad he had picked up from one of his classmates that would soon pass the hungrier he got. And thinking about it now he was a lot bigger then when I'd dropped him off at school that morning but we all know children go through sudden g...

With news that Roman Abramovich is putting Chelsea Football club up for a quick sale, the hot gossip from the street of Peckam Market is that a couple of local lads are already eyeing up a tasty bid for 'the Bridge' in an attempt to increase their trading portfolio. Soon to appear in the Fortune 500, if you beleive a word spoken by CEO of the company, Trotters Independent Traders of Hookey Street, who made their current fortune from half priced cracked ice, mies and miles of carpet tiles,TVs, deep freeze, David Bowie LPs, ball games, gold chains, what's names, pictures frames, leather good and Trevor Francis tracksuits, are now looking to add some serious silverware to their little empire. Whether the deal will actually happen remains a mystery as it is rumoured that the company run by Derek Edward Trotter, his brother Rodney and their Uncle Albert has according to the financial obmudsman paid no income tax, no VAT, offered no money back or guarantee. No doubt all the haggl...

Ever found yourself being ruled by your heart instead of your head? Ever mishandled the biggest health crisis in a nations history in order to manhandle your new squeeze in a back room office? Ever been so overwhelmed by passion that all sense of duty simply evapourated? Ever thought that after six months out of the public spotlight it was time to reinvent your political career by simply claiming to be a man ruled by the swelling in his pants, sorry I meant love? Welcome to the world of Matt 'Mr Lover Man' Hancock. In news just reaching Grace Under Pressure's very own loved up lexicographer, it appears that the old incompetent Matt Hancock is officially dead and has been replaced by the new Matt Hancock 2020, a version who has well and truly been infected by the love bug.  This revelation has come as a shock to a country which perhaps for the first time has realised that it was Cupid rather than incompetence and ineptitude that was responsible for not enough blood circulati...

In my running 'career' I have had a couple of people who I would often refer to as my nemesis. Back in the Poynton days it was Joseph, here in Nottingham it is Elizabeth. They are my nemesis because we run at roughly the same speed; I think the technical sporting term is 'glacial' and it was often neck and neck as to who would finish first.  Sometimes it would be them, occasionally it would be me and if ever I saw them on the start line of a race, then one of my aims, apart from not dying durign the actual race, was always to try and be ahead of them by the time we reached the finish line. Whilst Mo Frarah ran to win gold medals, I simply ran to win the battle of the sloths. All of which is a very round the house way of revealing that todays 10 minutes of aural bliss is the wonderful David Gray song called, yes you've guessed it, 'Nemesis'. Recorded in Zermatt, this a wonderfully stripped back and extended version of the song. Sit back and drift.