Grace Under Pressure 2

  I know that chronologically we have to wait another 20 days before it is officially winter but hey sometimes you just can't wait. Especially when it gives me the chance to play this, the beautiful song 'Winter' by Joshua Radin. It's a track I first heard in episode 14, season 3 of Scrubs, and if you don;t know what I am talking about just find out. It is the mix of the perfect song for just the right moment, one that reduced me to tears the first time I heard it and has done many times since I should know who I am by now I walk, the record stands somehow Thinking of winter Your name is the splinter inside me  while I wait   I remember the sound Of your November downtown And I remember the truth A warm December with you But I don't have to make this mistake And I don't have to stay this way If only I would wait   The walk has all been cleared by now Your voice is all I hear somehow Calling out winter Your voice is the splinter inside me  while I wait   I r...

  At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure is unable to confirm that yet another variant, one that the WHO has termed 'Pi' has been discovered in the capital of the Promised Land, Wigan. Whereas the infection rates of other variants has been quite variable, with 'Pi' scientists can already predict with a certain degree of accuracy that it will be  3.14159 26535 89793 23846 26433 83279 5028 841971 69399 37510 58209 74944 59230 78164 06286 20899 86280 34825 3421 170679 per 100,000. It is uncertain whether any more government contracts will be issued as a result of this new variant but it seems certain that Matt Hancock's freinds won't be getting a slice of the pi(e) this time around.

After the discovery of a new variant of the coronavirus, one that has been give the name 'Omnishambles' in honour of the governments response to date, scientists from across the UK have appealed for users of Twitter, WhatsApp and Tik Tok to tell them what to do about it. In a hastily arranged press conference Chief Medical Officer for England Chris Whitty, Government Chief Scientific Advisor Sir Patrick Vallance, creater of the Astro Zenica vaccine Dame Sarah Gilbert and star of 2021's fastest Housewives Favourite calendar, Jonathan Van Damme  appealed to anyone with access to a keyboard or smart phone to let them know just how they need to deal with it. They didn't need to wait long. 'Viruses mutate all time so its nowt to worry 'bout' tweeted full time Aldi shelf stacker and part time virology expect Sam Spade from Salford via his local WhatsApp group, whereas Brighton based hairdresser and weekend epidemiologist  Patty Carruthers tweeted in block capita...

Today should have been the day that I uploaded my adventures in the Baslow Bolt, a 12km run out of Baslow and along Curbar Edge. The report from the pre course reccy by the organisers on Friday suggested it might be a run during which runners might encounter four seasons in one day. As it turned out it was just one....snow. Snow that meant whilst the course itself might have been 'plodable', actually getting there from TOM's proved a step too far.  With the interweb awash with tales of others who had tried to get there only to be forced to turn back by the weather and treahcerous roads, it wasn't certain that the actual race would even go ahead. In the end it did but with only 113 runners made the start line (out of a max 350 enties) compared to the 236, including my good self, who ran the event the last time it took place in 2019. So instead of encountering weather cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey, never mind mine, navigating my way along Curbar Edge,...

  With less than a month to go until her family Christmas gathering, Madonna's first attempts at hide and seek are still in need of work according to the latest press releases by her publicity team. These are nothing at all to do with promoting something or other than she is releasing anytime soon or a blatent attempt to just get back in the limelight. 106 yr old Madonna, who historians say was once relevant back in the day, loves a good old fashioned Christmas game such as Charades, Pin the Tail or even that good old fraditional favourite Dominatrix Fancy Dress. At the time of press Madonna is expected to be joined at Christmas by some of her children including Moderna, Pfizer, Astra, Zenika and Booster. Omicron will hopefully be staying in South Africa.  

In breaking news TV presenter Richard Madley is said to have staged a resurrection like recovery in hospital after his agent manage to whisper in his ear that he still kept his alleged £200,000 appearance fee despite only spending a couple of days locked away as part of 2021's I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.  And unfortunatly, or should that eb conveniently, just isn't able to return to Gwrych Castle in Abergele, because he has burst his Covid bubble. Initial reports suggested that Mr Madely had been rushed to hospital after suffering an almost life threatening sense of deja vu after the smell of ofal, fish heads and rotten fruit had reminded him of some of the so called meals that had been cooked in the Good Morning studios back in the day. At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure wonders if consideriing he was diagnosed, triaged, admitted, treated and discharged in less time than many people actually wait for medical assistance to arrive, maybe the name of ...

In news that is literally out of this world, Grace Under Pressure can reveal that NASA are going to use Bruce Willis in order to knock a giant asteroid off course.  A Falcon 9 rocket carrying the Dart spacecraft blasted off at 06:20 GMT today from Vandenberg Space Force Base in California. The NASA Dart space craft plans to come within the orbital range of the asteroid called 'Diamorphus' before catapulting Bruce Willis across space with such force as to divert its trajectory. A former Hollywood heart throb, the 87 yr old Bruce Willis, who has previous experience pretending to blow up a giant meteor in the film Armageddon, is said to be looking forward to his latest and probably last adventure. Having starred in numerous movies that were described by critics as having 'no atmosphere', being 'vacuous' and 'lacking any gravity' Willis appears to be the perfect man for the role. It is uncertain at the time of going to press whether Bruce Willis will ress...

    Back in 1992, The Smiths, Mancunian mumblers of miserable moodiness released a song called 'There's a light that never goes out'. This obviously wasn't the theme song of Bulb, who went bang on Sunday An electrifying, eco friendly and energy efficient post all in one.

Following a series of extensive appeals, the WTA finally decided to move a table and chairs to the north of the apartment, remove a picture from a wall, place a large yellow rug on the floor of the living room, move the bed from the same wall as a door, install a water feature, lower all raised toilet lids and finally add a cat. And da dah Peng Shuai is restored!     

With Manchester's other messiah in waiting, Andy Burnham, admitting he knows bugger all about football, something which ironically should automatically qualify him for the job, Big Sam Allardyce has been quick to promote himself as the Saviour of the Stretford End following the sacking of Ole Gunnar Solksjar Speaking to Grace Under Pessure's very own festive favourite, Allardyce proclaimed his self generated good news revealing, "I'm not saying that I am the long awaited Christmas miracle the faithful have been waiting for, but I am. Forget about those false messiahs like the Special One and the Ole one, I am the real deal, the cash conceal even the away point steal . Just look at me, I'm gift wrapped, tinsle tied and my baubles are brilliant." The disgraced former England manager continued, "I only live just down the A6 so it wouldn't cost me a lot to move. In fact I've already got my own account with Pickfords as I've been sacked, sorry I m...

Children in Need raised another massive amount of money on Friday evening for, well, Children in Need. Almost £40,000,000 squid was donated by a British public in response to drummers drumming and dancers dancing in what many thought was a live version of the 12 days of Christmas song.  Today Grace Under Pressure can confirm that almost 96% of the entire total raised was pledged during a single 4 minute slot of the live telecast, with the money being given on the express condition that Ed Sheeran stopped singing immediatly. Many viewers sent text messages to the BBC saying that they would much rather have their head stuck inside the base drum as Owain Wyn Evans' rat a tat tatted' for an entire day rather than have to endure a single Sheeran dittie. Many even  promised to double or even treble their donation if the sound of Sheeran's sonic shambles suddenly ceased. At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure is unable to confirm that the threat of having Ed Sheeran pe...

In breaking news Grace Under Pressure can reveal that in a shock anti terrorism move, Home Secretary Prit Patel has announced a ban on Hummus.  Speaking to Grace Under Pressure from on top of her political soap box, Prit Patel revealed "The effect and influence of Hummus has been growing not just across the political landscape of the Middle East where it originated, but also in our supermarkets, heath food stores and kitchens. Now is the time to bring it to a halt". "The simple, innocent chick pea had been taken, adulterated, beaten,  processed and radicalised into something far more dangerous to western democracy than any other Middle Eastern snack food such as kdameeh, amardeen or tamer."  "In the recent past it has only been the militant forms of Hummus that have terrorised palettes and been on a government watchlist. These include Chilli Hummas, Garlic Hummus and Dil Pickle Hummus each of which has already exerted a deadly influenec over Gazza....and seve...

People living in Yorkshire were left devastated yesterday following the government decision to scrap the proposed HS2 and new Northen Powerhouse rail lines.  In reality is is the cancellation of this latter route that has brought about the greatest heartache, meaning in effect that escape times from God's foresaken county across the Pennines to the Promised Land of Lancashire and its holy city of Wigan are to remain at the current frustratling slow times of 90 mins rather than the proposed journey time of less than an hour. Local resident Esmie Saunders lamemnted, "For years the government have been promising us a quicker, smoother, more effecient escape route out of Yorkshire. Now that promise has been broken. Planned to come into operation by 2040, it might have arrived too late for me but for my kids there would still be a chance of a better life over the border." "At the moment we have to pay exhorbitent prices and rely on the current service whch is often cancel...

Hopes of being able to meet any of the targets of the COP26 summit with regards keeping global warming to a mere 1.5 degrees were thrown into doubt yesterday by the switching on of the Christmas lights at no 13 Acacia Cresent, Sherwood. Designed to come on the moment the light level drops enough to have play abandoned in a cricket match, the festive display has been know to temporarily blinded drivers within a 3 mile radius with its sudden brightness equivalent to a thermonuclear device being detonated. One concerned neighbour spoke to Grace Under Pressure and explained, "It seems some people's concern about their carbon footprint just disappears when presented with the opportunity to wrap the entire neon content of Las Vegas around their house. Only yesterday Greta Thunberg estimated that Chris Martin and his mates in Coldplay would have to jump up and down on their eco dancefloor from now until 2027 just to off set the electricity that will be used . Especially given that it...

Sometimes having one good idea sparks off another one. And before you know it, you are just overwhelmed with a whole host of absolute bangers.Or at least you do if your idea of a trip to the north is a jolly to Barnet. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own Northen powerhouse, Government Minister for Levelling, Slashen Burn “explained "Having met up with for a croissant and caramel latte in the Knightsbridge branch of Pret a Manger, it suddenly dawned on us that no-one sat around the table had ever thought of needing to go to Leeds quicker via HS2."  "Several people admitted never having been to Leeds and one individual had never even heard of Leeds. So before we had finished our fabulous brunch we had basically decided that not only did we not need a faster train service from the capital to Leeds but we didn't need a train service at all. And things just snowballed from there" "So having decided that the HS2 rail link to Leeds was to be cancelled,...

 

Rumours circulating up and down Pall Mall suggest that the Queen was forced to miss the Remembrance Day service at the Cenotaph yesterday not as initially reported due to a back sprain but because it clashed with her second job as a check out assistant at the Windsor branch of Aldi. Forced to try top up a pension pot that is rapidly being emptied trying to fund her least favourite son's legal battles, Lizzy Windsor, as she is known to her colleagues, had signed up for a double shift without realisising the clash of dates. Well respected for her rapid scanning action, even whilst balancing a handbag in the crook of her elbow, Lizzy Windsor, has been a regular at the checkout since early 2019, but has managed to keep her identity secret due to her disposable facemask.  One colleague was quoted as saying, "Always managing to match her Aldi tabard with a suitable hat and gloves, Liz is not only regarded as a super shelf stacker but is also reputed to be a world authority on items ...

As the 1200 page final resolutions emerge from COP26, the International Society of Homeopaths have unanimously awared the world's polititians and business leaders this year's top prize at their annual awards ceremony. Speaking exclusively to Grace Under Pressure's very climatically controlled correespondent, Dr Bare Lee Traceable revealed, "After 35 years as a practitioner of diluting something further and further until the original content is all but undetecable by most scientific means, I admit that even I have been left slack jawed by the attempt of the COP26 summit to water down attempts to save the planet." "First they diluted the phrase 'coal phased out' to 'coal cut down'. Then they watered down the text even further by removing the word coal from the document completely. And finally they removed the letters COAL from the entire manuscript just to be on the same side. I've known drug dealers leave more of the original narcotic in th...

This morning whilst TOM settled down to read the Daily Mail from cover to cover, I headed out for a little jolly  to the beautiful Upper Derwent valley to take part in the Dambusters 10 mile run around Ladybower reservoir.  The race , just in case any of you were wondering is named after the fact that the famous Lancaster bombers that used this location as an ideal training location to perfect their technique before embarking on the famous Dambuster raid in World war II .  On the night of 16-17 May 1943, Wing Commander Guy Gibson led 617 Squadron of the Royal Air Force on an audacious bombing raid to destroy three dams in the Ruhr valley, the industrial heartland of Germany, a mission Operation 'Chastise' but known to most people by its more colloquial name. It was a lovely drive over on a mild November morning, with the sunlight just starting to filter though the spectacular autumn colours. I had done the race a little over three years ago,alongside almost 200 o...

After recording the voice over for the latest BBC wildlife extraveganza, The Mating Game, the national trevor, who is Sir David attenborough has realised that he is the only one featured in the series who hasn't had a good old shag in ages. Denying accusations that he is the peeping tom of the animal and plant world, Sir David did admit that he is probably the world's greatest puruser of animals just getting down and dirty. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure Sir David Attenborough revealed, "My job during the filming of this latest voyeristic adventure  is to channel my inner Nigella and add a sensual voice overs to the sight of buffalo bonking, scoprions screwing, Koalas copulating, hedgehogs humping (carefully), foxes fornicating and rhinos have rumpy pumpy."  "There’s probably not a species alive that I haven’t observed from a distance through my binoculars or in the sweaty confines of a sound booth, watching as they find a mate and surrender to their animal in...

 

In breaking news  Grace Under Pressure can reveal that a 40 year old man has been rescued after spending over 56 hours trapped in a cave (man) somewhere in the Brecon Beacons. The man who wishes to remain anonymous will simply be referred to as Bob Jones, 113 Abergele Cresent, Brecon. Over 25 volunteers had been called in to assist in the search for Bob after he vanished into the cave late on Saturday afternoon. Recovering with a mug of beefy Bovril after his ordeal Bob explained to Grace Under Pressure's very own many man just what had happened. "It was just a small opening and wow I was like Alice down the rabbit hole except without the rabbit. I thought I knew what I was doing, thought I had it all planned. but I got it so so wrong. Initially it was just to watch a rerun of the latest Formula One race, some darts and maybe relive my glory days flicking through some sports memorobillia. But before I knew it I had stumbled on Dave and the endless repeats of QI. There was just...

 This was very much a last minute purchase following very good reviews in the associated press. So last minute in fact that I wasn't able to find two spaces in the cheap seats on a night that both TOM and I could go. So it was a solo venture to the Playhouse to watch the Mark Gatiss written version of A Christmas Carol, my first non Covid restricted theatre jolly in over two years.  I like the Playhouse in the fact that you seem to get a good view from wherever you are sat. In fact I can never quite work out why the person sat night to me might actually have paid £X more just to sit a single space further towards the centre. Both TOM and I enjoyed seeing Mark Gatiss here in The Madness of King George especially as the ticket for the live show was less than a ticket to watch a screened performance in the cinema some months later. Something Ebeneezer Scrooge himeslf would no doubt have enjoyed, the cheap ticket that is not a play about a mad king! Anyway let's not lose the plot....

With Brexit promising to give control back to the UK with regards its terretorial waters, Grace Under Pressure can reveal that a leaked document from the Department for the Environment, Food & Rural Affairs has warned that if current tensions with France and other EU nations remain high, that Britain might run out of fish puns before the end of 2022. DEFRA spokesperson Halle Butt explained, "It's like a bad bream sequence out of Finding Nemo, with the UK fishing industry sardine-ly perched between a rock and a hard plaice. From what we have been herring, unfor-tuna-tely, most of the seafood-related wordplay has been done to death, quite troutlandishly at times by You Kippers." "To preseve stocks we just can't afford to cod about and a ban might have to be placed on piscine puns. With regards the recent French proposal on fair fishing, DEFRA will have to mullet over to access the scale of the problem, but initial reports suggest its just a load of pollocks. O...