29th November Whitty requiires sage advice to save turkey

After the discovery of a new variant of the coronavirus, one that has been give the name 'Omnishambles' in honour of the governments response to date, scientists from across the UK have appealed for users of Twitter, WhatsApp and Tik Tok to tell them what to do about it.

In a hastily arranged press conference Chief Medical Officer for England Chris Whitty, Government Chief Scientific Advisor Sir Patrick Vallance, creater of the Astro Zenica vaccine Dame Sarah Gilbert and star of 2021's fastest Housewives Favourite calendar, Jonathan Van Damme  appealed to anyone with access to a keyboard or smart phone to let them know just how they need to deal with it. They didn't need to wait long.

'Viruses mutate all time so its nowt to worry 'bout' tweeted full time Aldi shelf stacker and part time virology expect Sam Spade from Salford via his local WhatsApp group, whereas Brighton based hairdresser and weekend epidemiologist  Patty Carruthers tweeted in block capitals 'WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE'. Finally Hucknall based God botherer and semi professional blogger, Ivan Opinion, struck the middle ground and appeared to capture the zeitgiest of the moment in a beautifully exectued Tok Tok video that invited everyone to 'panic but calmly'.

Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, Professor Chris ' next slide' Whitty expressed his thanks saying, "The combined medical knowledge, degress and years of experince in a variety of scientific fields of his team were nothing compared to someone on Twitter voicing the first thought that comes into their head on how to deal with the pandemic." 

"If someone could put something on their Facebook page about this new varient that would be great. Any suggestions on how to solve the delivery shortage, migrants coming across the channel and having a complete bell end as a Prime Minister would be appreciated too."



 


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