Grace Under Pressure 2

Hardly has the ink dried on the decision to tell foreign national workers to bugger off back home, than the UK government is demanding that they come back. Well come back until we don't need them anymore, when they can all just f%$^ off again back to where they came from on Christmas Eve. With there suddenly appearing to be hundreds of thousands of jobs that UK citizens simply won't do at all, Home Secretary Pritti Patel is demanding that at least a gazzillion people not able to claim British citizenship, rights of residency or own a blue passport should return here immediatly to get us out of this mess and help Boris save Christmas. Anyone with or without the required skills, qualifications or experience to drive an articulated lorry, harvest seasonal vegetables, pick packages, pluck chickens or look after an elderly person in a care home is asked to apply immediatly. Even those arriving illegally in boats from across the channel will be screened and assessed to see if they ...

After years and years of keeping his emotions all bottled up inside, Rod Stewart has decided that he finally does 'wanna talk about it, and how you broke his heart'  Having released the smash hit back in 1975, Stewart has maintained his dignified silence ever since, refusing to engage whenever the topic was brought up, claiming that he really didn't want to talk about it, despite being offered huge sums of money. Now it appears he just can't shut the f^%$ up about it. In fact he has started to bang on and on and on about it so much that several therapists and councellers have themselves had to seek professional health having been on the receiving end of his constant babbling. And his poor wife Penny Lancaster has become so desperate to get out of the house that she has taken to appearing on Loose Women and acting as a special constable in the city of London   Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very unsympathetic ear, Rod Stewart revealed, “I don’t know man, I guess ...

I n an exclusive interview with Grace Under Pressure, government spokesman, Notta Nissue, has revealed that despite no food, fuel, workers, border control or trade deal in sight, the Brexit campaign and leaving the EU is a roaring success. “Yes, things are going great. Just like we said they would," Notta Nissue explained, "I mean luxury items like oh lets say, uhm food, are going to be loads more expensive assuming there have been any deliveries and the people who actually have petrol in their car have left anything on the shelves. Although we do expect more people to go there to avoid the absolute fortune it's going to cost to heat your houses over winter because energy prices are literally going through your roof." “Other than that it’s fine unless you are in one of those industries like farming, fishing, hospitality, social care, entertainment or  that have been devastated." Notta Nissue continued. "Thank God the good old NHS is safe in Tory hands due...

  In a sensational development that is currently rocking the sporting world, not one but two revelations have been splashed across the back pages overnight. And no neither of them are related to Antony Joshua's impression of a Thunderbird's mariontte during his performances against Oleksandr Usyk. The first big scoop that Grace Under Pressure is able to reveal is that contrary to popular belief amongst his faithful followers, the area most prolific pedestrain plodder is in fact not able to walk on water but had to wade through it almost as if he were a mere mortal. It is many have commentated a similar scenario to the one featured in the BBC TV program Serengetti, where viewer anxioulsy waited to see if the baby Gnu made it to the other side of the river or was snatched by a lurking Croc. Thankfully for our hero...he did and it was then just on and up...and up and up and up   The second perhaps even more unbelievable truth that has emerged over the past 24 hours is that by clo...

Which as anyone familiar with their music will know is pun based on probably their best loved song, 'Supper's Ready', This week saw the opening of the twice postponed due to Covid 'The Last Domino' tour by Genesis, a final hurrah. One that almost got postponed again in Manchester due to technical issues with a generator which meant the start of the show was delayed by over 80 minutes I was going to say it was the last bang of the drum but for the increasing frail and fragile Phil Collin's even that is no longer possible. Due to ongoing health issues he is no longer able to drum, in fact he is not even able to stand and instead sings from a chair placed centre stage. Thankfully and in a distinct handing on of the baton it was his 20yr old son Nic Collins who provided a real powerhouse performance on the drums that drove the music, possibly on occasions at the expense of the guitar  or keyboards. Always renowned for their spectacular stage shows, I can still remem...

This morning I had the opportunity to run near one of my old stomping grounds with the return of the Wincle Trout fell run, a lovely 9km jolly just south of Macclesfield that is officially described as 'demanding' It was not just a chance to stretch my legs and run for a fish (yes in previous years the runners all got a trout from the nearby farm) but also an opportunity to see if I could beat the time I had achieved back in 2014. That plan went out of the window upon discovering that the race was being run over a different route, one that depending on how long it took me to complete might well have to be declared as much, much, much harder if I was slower or much, much, much harder if I ran quicker thus having to conclude that I am much fitter now than back then. Under a grim and very humid sky, I was soaked in sweat even before we set off,  the assembled runners gathered ready for the off and I noted several familiar faces from the Bramhall Running club. And that was the last...

A woman who was caputured on CCTV with two overloaded trolleys full of turkeys, crackers, pigs in blankets, bottles of Baileys, frozen sprouts, bags of Quality Street, yards of tinsel and six pounds of of parsnips has claimed she is not panic buying at all.  Pausing briefly whilst trying to squeeze an extra eight boxes of After Eights into her trolley, Paula Bamber spoke to Grace Under Pressure's very unexpected item in the bagging area and explained "Yeah it’s just a regular shop this luv, I get this stuff every week. It's just a coincidence that theres been a couple of news items about shelves being bare at Christmas because no-one can drive a big lorry apart from foreigners. So 12 boxes of mince pies, three cheese selections, three Christmas puddings and six bottles of Sherry, well it's just what we get every week to be honest." "Well when I say every week obviously we like a bit of seasonal variety, cause back in March 2020 we seemed to eat quite a bit of...

Absolutely convinced that if it ended one long term relationship it wouldn't be five minutes before it had shacked up with another partner, on far more agreeable terms, Great Britain is today waking up alone in bed, having been publically dumped by its long term love target after just a single date. Having unilaterally ended a long term union of 47 years with the European Union, under the impression that the grass was greener on the other side of another stretch of water, the tumescent expectations of Great Britain are today resembling those of someone suffereing from impotence. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, member of the British trade delegation, Weera Goodcatch, explained "After all the constant flirting, tentative hand holding, compliments and glances across crowded rooms, we all thought we had received the 'come on' signals that promised a good time. Now we have been dumped without even a peck on the cheek, never mind a sweet, sweet free trade deal. Cast aside ...

  In a revolutionary new approach that is absolutely guaranteed to work and which should not be seen as a 'too little too late' gesture, the government has revealed that it's solution to the current CO2 shortage will be to simply encourage people to breath out a lot more and then capture the expelled CO2 in environmentally friendly paper bags for future use. The content of these bags can then be utilised for a whole host of family friendly activities that require CO2. These will include such as carbonating water, soft drinks and alcoholic drinks, helping to dispense drinks and beers in pubs, promote the growth of plants, such as cucumbers, in greenhouses, extending the shelf life of packaged meats, baby foods, fresh foods and baked products, keeping food fresh in transport and last but by no meanst least, one that is sure to be a winner across the generations leading up to Christmas, stunning pigs and chickens before slaughter. Grace Under pressure is contactually obliged t...

  In a right royal exclusive Grace Under Pressure is able to reveal the first picture of Princess Beatrice's new baby which as everyone will agree has inherited her / his mother's genes and ability to do the royal wave. Rumours are that the baby can also connect to the 5G network and pick up Sky TV even in the remotest of areas too which is a real bonus

First it was pasta, toilet roll and flour. Then it was PPE, testing kits and beds in hospitals. Hot on the heels was a shortage of HGV drivers, Wetherspoons beer and Greggs sausage rolls. Now it appears that even Christmas might well be in short supply. But whoever thought this great British nation would run out of urine!!! Thanks Mrs O  

 

Britain’s new Secretary of State for Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Affairs, Liz Truss has hit the ground running by announcing plans of her first overseas trips to firm up defence and trade deals with Narnia, Mordor and Azkaban.  Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, whilst clutching tightly to her Children's Atlas of Far Away Places, Ms Truss was giddy with excitement at the prospect of visiting places she had read about since she was a child. "I feel as if I already know some of the people I am going to be dealing with so that's a huge advantage." she explained.  "I'll be able to chat with Mr Tumnus and discover how Narnia dealt with sudden changes to their climate. My visit to Mordor to engage with the council of Orks will allow me to see and learn how their country has developed a more sophisticated and compassionate society than ours currently is. And of course in Azkaban I'll be reunited with many of my former conservative cronies now serving t...

They say that one of the things that makes songs so memorable is that they are able to transport you back in time and place. And sometimes that time and place has very little connection with the actual content of the song.  For me the Oasis song, 'Live Forever' will always take me back to Bangladesh, and travelling up on the roof of a bus in amongst all the luggage,(don't ask why) as we made our way through fields of endless green under a cloudless blue sky, It is as you can work out for yourself hardly the strongest natural connection with the Gallagher brothers and their Mancunian swagger.   It is one of my favourite rock anthems, but given the regular animosity between the Gallagher brothers, many people included myself have wondered how a song written by Noel but sung by Liam might sound sung by the person who actually wrote it. Wrote it perhaps back in 1994 as an angry young man some but now performed by a slightly less angry, more reflective older man. This week all t...

  Yesterday afternoon was literally spent watching paint dry. ( BBC 2's The Big Painting Challenge)

 

Back in the day it was simply nerdy geeks like chess prodigy Nigel Short or Opportunity Knocks favourite Lena Zaveroni that teenagers had to worry about being compared too. Then along came climate whirlwind, Greta Thunberg to make 13-19 yr olds just feel rubbish. Now the name Emma Raducanu is the one teenagers least want to hear emerge from their parents lips.  In an exclusive Grace Under Pressure can reveal that Emma Radacanu has now become the focal point of teenage angst and loathing for making their parents feel that their children have achieved bugger all in life. With Greta, even if the questions did come thick and fast, ones such as 'how come you haven't started a global movement?, why don't presidents listen to you?, why aren't you friends with David Attenborough?', teenagers always had a get out of jail card because in truth their parents didnt' really want them to be 'like Greta' did they. Then just when teenagers were feeling it was okay to be...

According to breaking news Prince Andrew has miraculously been cured of his inability to sweat after waking up on Sunday morning to the news that a teenage girl had won an epic battle in an American court. Prince Andrew who according to the infamous interview with BBC's Emily Matliss, didn't break sweat once during the entire Falkland's war or whilst consuming an American Hot at Woking Pizza Express, is reported to have been discovered by his vallet on Sunday morning attempting to wring out his sweat soaked jim jams and bed sheets before any other members of the household woke up. What made Andrew's condition even worse and caused a further crack in Royal relationships was the discovery that his mum, The Queen, had sent a congratulatory Tik Toc video to the young teenager, who according to unconfirmed reports is claiming it was her first time. Within a few hours this was followed by a tweet in which her Majesty revealed her utter admiration for 'a young girl who ...

In a sorry that would have to be true to be believed, former Good Morning Britain presenter, Piers Morgan, is today claiming that Emma Radacanu's sensational win at the US Open tennis championships in New York is all thanks to him. Readers may recall how Morgan took to mansplaining, in his usual sensitive way, how Ms Raducanu had got her tennis tactics, sports phsychology and fitness methods all wrong during her 4th round match at Wimbledon earlier this summer, saying that she couldn’t handle the pressure and just quit when she was losing badly.  Now it appears that the current stunning form of the woman he described as 'not ‘brave’, is all due to that little pep talk he gave her, one that turned her from a loser into a winner. And it is in fact only travel restrictions to the USA that prevented Morgan from doing a 'John Terry' and actually collecting the trophy on her behalf. In a amazing sense of deja vu, viewers of Good Morning Britain might recall  Piers himself app...

Just came across this. Thought it fitted the bill.  

Full time child food poverty crusader and part time footballer Marcus Rashford has taken to twitter to apologise for mistaking one white politician for another because let's be honest they all look the same don't they. According to breaking news revealed only by Grace Under Pressure, the error came to light after Rashford took part in a zoom call during which he was unable to determine if he was speaking to Secretary of State for Educational Cock Ups, Gavin Williamson or Secrerary of State for Defence ( unless I'm on a Corfu beach) Dominic Raab. The England international revealed it wasn't a racist thing but all middle aged white Tory Toffs just tend to look and sound the same, especially to undernourished kids who can't understand why its taking so long to sort the issue of child food poverty out. BBC political commentator and style icon, Laura Kuennesberg, attempted to solve the conundrum but revealed it was difficult. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's inten...

In a scenario that no one saw coming, a combination of Brexit, Covid and England's defeat in the finals of Euro 2021(but mainly Brexit according to all those who have not got over that particular result) has resulted in severe shortages in supermarkets up and down the land. Grace Under Pressure's very own trolley dolly has spoken to supermarket supremo, Toofer One, about the dilemma facing both shoppers and store owners "Yeah at first it was the usual things that just seemed to vanish from our stores as soon as we put them out, you know stuff like pasta, toilet roll, wet wipes, flour etc. Then we started to notice we appeared to be short on actual baskets and trolleys. Then last Monday three of my check our supervisors were convinced that we were running out of unexpected items in the bagging area. And now this morning well blow me over if we haven't run out of shelves!" “Normally if someone spills something or there's a breakage I'll be straight on the ta...

A middle aged man residing in Hucknall was made to feel even more middle aged over the past 48 hours after failing to recognise a single song recorded by Girls Aloud.  Following the t ragic death of Sarah Harding, TV and airwaves have been saturated by wall to wall songs performed by the 2002 winners of Pop Stars The Rivals. With clips of the groups most famous recordings being shown on news bulletins, played on radio programs, and widespead on various music youtube sites, this 57 yr old man failed to identify a single catchy chorus or hypnotic beat, despite having quite a large CD collection and being an average scorer on Radio 2's Popmaster. Fearing that he might be suffering from an undiagnosed memory condition, the 57 yr old agreed to undergo an emergency series of medical tests. Brain scans and nerological investigations taken whilst listening to every song ever recorded by Girls Aloud showed no signs of recognition at all.  Neither did exposure to material recorded by L...

In yet another case of 'one rule for Us and another for Them',  Grace Under Pressure might well be the very first virtualy true blog to question whether the cost of buying a place on the NY honours list is now getting out of reach of the average man on the street.  This follows the revelation that one might need to touch up one of the Prince of Wales' staff should one wish to ascend the slippery pole of peerage and gain a knighthood. Which should not be confused with ascending the slippery pole of a Peer which a very different matter indeed, With the revelation that Saudi businessman Mahfouz Marei Mubarak bin Mahfouz is alledged to have offered 300 camels  and all the sand he could ever want to Michael Fawcett, a man who used to help Prince Charles get dressed, it appears that becoming a knight is less chivalrous than it once might have been. Man of the people, Barry Smythe explained, "40 years ago, being a member of the local Masonic lodge was usually enough to be gu...

Thousand of work shy fraudsters up and down the land will be panicking this morning following the stunning displays by Team GB's paralympians returning home after picking up scores of medals in Tokyo. Many will now be expecting the ominous thud on the door mat of a letter from Work and Pensions Secretary, Therese Coffey, asking whether if a partially sighted archer can manage to hit a bullseye from 50 meter, why they can't attendence an ability to work interview despite their 'disability' of an aching back? Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's currently sidelined Olympic hopeful,  reciever of multiple govenment benefits, Layz Esod, revealed his admiration for the inspirational achievements he has occasionally glimpsed on Channel 4 over the past 11 days. But admitted it had raised questions as to whether a fully abled bodied person like himself might now be required to actually try and do a proper job rather than be paid to sit at home watching Homes Under The Hammer a...

Taking place as part of the oldest sheepdog trials in the world, the Longshaw fell race was another little jolly not too far from 'TOMs'. and so while he enjoyed some 'me' time, which should actually be called some 'him time without me' I set off to torture my tired limbs up, down and around Burbage edge, Higgar Tor and Owler Tor Organised by the Dark Peak Fell Runners, a club based out of Sheffield as I stood awaiting the start, kitted our in the most vivid flourescent yellow T shirt just to give the Mountain Rescue team a fighting chance of finding me, looking at the lithe and lean runners I was struck by the realisation that this was a serious fell race rather than a social plod in the Peak District. And then with the B of the bang, that realisation became a reality. For some reason I had expected that the route would follow that of the Wildest Run event that started from an alomost identical location but that illusion was soon shattered. There was to be no g...

Thousands of parents up and down the land have been searching the internet looking for a crash course in Chinese footbinding in order to ensure that their children's feet have some chance of fitting into the only remaining sizes of shoes left in the shops, 48 hours before schools reopen again. Having stood in a queue for over 45 mins just waiting to get in the shop, mother of one, Sarah Jones wait alongside other parents and what can only be described as feral children, ended in disapointment when she discovered that all size 5 school shoes had sold out.  Undeterred and desperate to ensure that 6yr old Sophie would not be shamed into having to wear last years scuffed and scarred Smart-Rite shoes, Sarah has been left with two options. Option 1 is to buy Sophie a pair of size 11 'clown shoes', stuff old socks into the toes and hope that her daughter would eventualy grow into them before she actually left school.  Option 2 is to embrace a well loved tradition that has stood m...

Fresh from explaining to anyone who would listen, and many who wouldn't, the epidemiological aspects of coronavirus, infections as well as offering his expert views explaining on why it all went pear shaped in Afghanistan, how to deal with the current situation as well as proposing a plan for the future, despite needing several attempts to correctly spell the name of the country, Twitter warrior, Ivan Opinion, is now considering his next keyboard crusade. Amongst Ivan Opinion's options are venting his anger on the preposterous explanations scientists offer with regard climate change or why Ronaldo would have been better moving to play for Burnley if he wanted to be considered an all time great of the game.  Many people who are forced to listen to his views fear that over the coming weeks Ivan Opinion will divulge his spontaneous un thought through thoughts on the sex abuse scandal in religious organisations, the assassination of Geronimo the alpaca and why Married at First Sig...

A 57 year old man from Hucknall has just entered his second hour trapped in his local Tescos trying to avoid having to indulge in 'chit chat' with an aquaintance who actually thinks he is a 'bestie'.  Speaking via a series of silent text messages our anonymous caller who described his situation as being 'cornered by consumerism' revealed how he had been trapped in the pasta aisle for over 40 minutes, whilst having to pretend he can't decide which Italian what based product goes best with a carbonara sauce. Even though he doesn't actually like pasta  "He’s just taking ages to get round the shop. He going up and down more aisles than Rylan Clarke Neil of Supermarket Sweep. I just can't afford to get trapped and forced to chat to him about people I dont know, films I haven't watched, sports I'm not interested in and holiday destinations I have no intention of ever visiting. Even when you think he's stopped he finds another topic fo...

A middle class couple from a sleepy suburb of Nottingham were today recovering in a BUPA style convalescent home after mistakenly attending the Berkshire based Reading Festival under the assumption that it was actually a gathering of book lovers. Tom Bookworm and his fiance Emma Pageturner, who both work as librarians, decided to buy tickets for this weekends ‘Reading’ Festival after being lured by what they thought was the promise of some relaxing downtime with other literary types. "We couldn’t understand why our friends giggled when we told them where we were going," explained Emma, "We just assumed they thought it was a bit of a bus man's holiday but then again we do like a bit of light travel. And we did hope to meet Richard Osman if he was there and maybe get him to sign our copy of Thursday Murder Mystery Club." "But having gone away hoping for a little romance, the whole thing developed into a tragedy before ending up a real horror story" ...