Grace Under Pressure 2

In a shock move that has stunned many, self made Russian oligark, Aleksandr Orlov, has pleaded with UK government officials to unfreeze his assest after he was targetted in the net of financial sanctions imposed on the Russian super rich following the invasion of Ukraine. Mr Orlov, who together with his trusted business partner Sergei, amassed their multi billion fortune exploiting a gap in the insurance market following the collapse of the old USSR, have become darlings of both British high society and the media with frequent appearances on our TV screens. Now it is feared that Aleksandr and Sergei have become tarred with the same brush as the Russian oligarcs who have frequently donated money to Conservative party funds over the past couple of years. In an exclusive interview with Grace Under Pressure's very own rouble reduced reporter,  Aleksandr Orlov claimed, "I am an innocent casualty in this war. I do not know Vladimir Putin and I have never attended a home game at St...

  The sunflower is the national flower of the Ukraine Yellow and blue are the colours of it's national flag We stand together in solidarity

Worried that the cost of lateral flow tests are now out of your price range and that you have been too slow to horde a stock before the NHS website literally melted from vigerous over clicking? Then worry no longer because everyones favourite footwear shop, 'Boots' has come to the rescue by offering a covid testing kit as part of its new extended midday meal deal package.  Now as well as a tasty Mexican wrap, BLT, or chicken and bacon combo, canny consumers will be able to grab a lateral flow kit alongside a can of zero calorie Cherry Fanta and a handful of grapes all for the bargain price of £7.99. Spokesman for Boots, Dr Phrey Grance, revealed that in order to give its regular custmers the full authentic Boots retail experience, the lateral flow kit will be very poorly labelled and mixed in with home pregnancy kits and beer brewing packs so that for potential purchasers there will still that sense of dread as to whether it will or won't actually be included in the mea...

In dishing sanctions that are being decribed by a government spokespeson as being 'as tough as tough can be' British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has shown the world just who the iron man of Europe really is. Amongst the economic and culturally crushing sanctions that Russia will face there will be... A halt to the sales of Matryoshka dolls No more Russian vodka or caviar at Downing Street parties Peter and the wolf to be removed from children's libraries Oligarcs will be banned from using Harrods home delivery service Petrov's Defence to be declared illegal in chess Kate Bush's Babushka to be banned on Radio 2  Roman Abramovic to be made to play all Chelsea's home games at the Emirates stadium of their bitter rivals Arsenal All figure skaters will test positive for drugs   Meanwhile we will keep importing all that lovely cheap gas, oil and keep the £2 million pounds of cash donated to the Tory Party by Russians since 2019.

The stark reality of the conflict that is raging between Russia and the Ukraine hit deep into the heart of middle England over night as possible consequences of World War 3 were revealed. The war will have many effects. The tragic loss of life, economic hardships, the return to even frostier relations between east and west, the staggering rise in the cost of gas and oil, and not forgetting of course the very real prospect that Waitrose will run short of its artisan range of edibles. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, Waitrose regular, Virginia Poncenby Smythe, revealed “Even at the height of lockdown, it was unimaginable that my children would have to sit down to a lunch that was devoid of fresh kumquats or some arti farti crisps made from ethically sourced legume skins. Now it looks as if they might actually have to go to school without an avacado houmous dip to accompany their organically farmed carrot sticks." "It's all very well for those who shop at Lidl or Ald...

 

Back in the early 2000's I didnt so much fall off a white ladder as fall for a white ladder. Released as his fourth studio album, David Gray catapulted into my consciousness with his White Ladder CD that contains, in my humble opinion, five stone cold classic songs amongst its 10 tune tracklist. I can still remember vividly lying on my bed, lights turned off, headphones on, volume turned up just getting totally lost in 'Sail Away', 'This year's love' and the Soft Cell cover 'Say Hello, Wave Goodbye'. But by far and away, the ones that were played over and over again were the stunning 'Babylon' and this one 'Please Forgive Me'. For the past few days Ken Bruce's show on Radio 2 has been featuring performances in the piano room with various artists accompanied by the BBC Concert Orchestra. So here is a wonderful live version of Please Forgive Me, a performance enhanced by David getting lost in the music and really getting his groove on. ...

  After a series of extensive and intensive investigations scientists from the Toronto Institute of Meainingless Endevours (TIME) have revealed that despite feelings to the contrary, it is in fact only seven weeks since Christmas. Such news has been greeted by howls of utter dismay from people who truly and honestly believed it must only be another couple of weekends before summer is here. Speaking to Grace Under Pressures chonologically confused corespondant, Professor of Leap Years at the Toronto Institute of Meainingless Endevours, Ivor Nutherdate, revealed that he was as shocked as anyone, even though given all his qualifications, he ought to know about this stuff by now. "It's just bonkers," he began, "I mean it feels like its been an eternity since Christmas. This winter has lasted longer than the one in Game of Thrones but without the dragons to brighten it up a bit. I was convinded that we had already had Easter because hot cross buns and choco...

  With the government offering guidelines to teaching staff on how to give a more balanced and none biased view on senstive subject, Grace Under Pressure is able to give a sneak preview of how this might be acgieved.   In an attempt to redress a perceived imbalance between historical accuracy and the jumble of misconceptions proclaimed on social media and within the Daily Mail, the government is encouraging teachers to talk about the good and bad of major historical events and figures. Whilst Hitler is generally acknowledged to be responsible for the Holocaust and the deaths of millions of Jews, gypsys, homeosexuals and those suffering from mental handicaps let's also stand back in appreciation of his art work including his delicate watercolour period and dabble in abstract impressionism. Racist statues of former slave owners can provoke tension and hostilities regarding exploitation by the former British Empire but let's not forget that they do provide a very convenient pla...

When 2022 comes to an end and we review the highlights of the year, certain to be in the top three is the 15 mins of fame achieved by Jerry Dyer of BigJet TV, as he has the best day of his life watching planes attempt to land at Heathrow airport Much in the same way that no one had ever heard of Zoom pre March 2020, so BigJet TV has now catapulted itself into the consciousness of the nation as Britain's must watch online broadcast. Who would have thought that listening to a man describing jumbo jets descend out of the sky over and over and over and over again, could when mixed togather with 100mph winds and a kick ass soundtrack be the viral sensation to grip a nation.  It was almost as if the anchor of BigJet TV, Jerry Dyer, himself was piloting every plane into land as he supplemented the video footage with his soothing commentary of catchphrases such as "fair play", "easy son", "drop it", "go on then," and the affrimative 'bosh!' a...

As the Meteorological Office issued a panic alert across the UK, storm sceptics, anti safety supporters and Eunice deniers continued to gather on mass in a national display of what it means to be a complete bell end. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure very own weather watcher, storm sceptic, Gale Force, revealed "Not a single chat feed on the social media I follow has mentioned anything about a storm so it must be another giant hoax issued by the government to try and take my freedom away. It's like Michael Fish but in reverse." "If I want to be a wanker wave watcher and stand on the edge of a pier, attemping to take a selfie for my Instagram account as 30ft waves attempt to wash me to over the channel to France, then I will. If I want to be a forest fool and go walk in a wood and stand under a tree that looks as if it might be on its last legs then I can. And if noone is there to hear it fall on top of me then has it really fallen? If I want to be a driving dickhead a...

Back in the 1980 Frankie Goes to Hollywood sang an anthem of the cold war with the classic ' Two Tribes' featuring a wrestling match between US President Ronald Reagan  and Konstantin Chernenko, Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union, Now it seems that their song is about to come true. Once part of the same all conquering team, now the bitterest of rivals, it was only a matter of time before things came to a head. With the worlds news glued to every move and counter move and with both sides refusing to give an inch in this terretorial tangle, all out war seems only a matter of time.  With one side gathering their attack forces ready to invade, the other side has been forced to put up a once in a lifetime line of defence, with grandmothers promising to lay down their life for their loved ones. Each side firmly belives that they are in the right and appear unwilling and indeed unable to step back from the bring of arrmagedeon. Two different ideologies have emerged...

  On Tuesday night I lost my virginity with the Hucknall Trail runners, or Hucknall Harriers as they are now known. No not THAT virginity! For those of you with long memories you will remember that when I moved to live in Hucknall I signed up to join the local trail running group. But due to a mix of Covid and then the busy work load of the group leader, it all fell apart and I never actually got to run with them. Now we have had a resurrection and last night was my first chance to tag along at the back of the group. Literally at the back. It was a little jolly just under 10km, termed a slow and steady social chat. And whilst it was social with 10 of us out running it was neither slow enough or an opportunity to chat. Well not chat and breathe at the same time because as we all know men can't multi task. I was absolutely fine before we actually started to run but once we started to move there was the issues of the dark, did I say it was run at night with head torches, the woods, th...

In an amazing display of philanthropic altruism, a man who never did anything wrong with a women he has no memory of ever meeting has suddenly decided to give her huge amounts of cash for absolutly no reason whatseoever. Apart from to shut the f%$k up. At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure is unable to confirm that a book of vouchers for Pizza Express was also part of the deal. As news of this free cash giveaway began to circulate on the interweb, huge queues began to form up and down the mall made up of people who had also never ever met Prince Andrew or had anything done to them by Prince Andrew. Grace under Pressure was on hand to speak to one of the people hoping to benefit from Britains newest philanthropist. "This has far more chance of making me a millionaire than buying a lottery ticket," explained Ivor Claimtoo. "Apparently all you need to do is ask and you get a lump sum. He just needs to be able to recall with absolute clarity that he is not able ...

In breaking news Grace Under Pressure can reveal a man hunt has been launched by the Metropolitan Police after widespread reports of a man armed with a bow and arrow causing chaos up and down the land. Police have urged the general public to remain indoors and not to approach the individual who is being referred to as a 'bow wielding maniac'. Initial reports suggest that while appearing physically unharmed after being struck by an arrow, the victims were left with the misbelief that they could write romantic poetry, an irresistable craving to send up to five pounds on a card, chocolates and flowers as well as being rendered suseptible to making spontaneous life changing decisions such as proposing marriage or moving in together. Police are not sure if this invividual is acting along but early reports suggest he might well be part of a giant conglomerate that involves expensive restaurants, florists, jewellers and wedding DJs. The anti social archer who is known by the alias...

In a world exclusive interview, the as yet to be named winner of the £109 million Euro Millions jackpot prize has confirmed that he / she / they are still unsure whether he /she / they will be able to afford both heating and eating this year. As the cost of living continues to rise and with many people start wondering if they can actually afford the cost of just surviving, our newly crowned multi millionaires are also finding themselves counting the pounds and pennies. Lots of them. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own spend thrift shopper, Titas Anattschuff,  the UK's newest millionaire(s) revealed, "Judging from our latest enegy bill it looks as if we might just about be able to heat our house and shop at Waitrose for about 6 months but its touch and go. If push comes to shove we'll just have to start shopping at M&S to make the money go further and be forced to wear several more Merrino wool sweaters in order to stay warm." "When we heard all a...

Garages up and down the land are preparing for their busiest day of the year tomorrow as partners, spouses and significant others remember far too late in order to be able to buy a proper Valentine's day present As every available inch of forecourts is used to display the kind of gifts even Poundland would not dare to stock but at prices that Poundland can only dream of charging, garage owners will be running their fuel stained hands together in the expectation of last minuste lover lashing out the lolly. Cards that look as if they have been made by 4 yr olds, flowers that might barely survive the car journey home and chocalates that even the most addicted chocoholic would turn a nose up at, are all that will greet petrol fuelled panickers. So let's just hope that your loved one gets his / her act together and you don't end up with a monsterous card that shed glitter at a phenonenal rate, a multi pack of Cadbury Twirls, a bunch of flowers that have wilted more than your lib...

In what many are seeing as a shock ending to match that of the Red Wedding in Game of Thrones Season 3, Prince Charles might well have revealed his hand after visiting his mother just 48 hours before testing positive for Covid.  Safe in the knowledge that his missis, Camilla, will now be known as Queen Consort when his dear Mama finally pops her clogs, perhaps Charles has decided to give Old Father Time a gentle shove. And let's be honest the old girl has had a good innings so as long as that four day jubilee bank holiday doesn't get cancelled life will go on. After all a man can only wait so long to have his face on a stamp before he finally snaps, and with the palace constantly refusing to divulge anything about the reigning monarchs health and the media attention so firmly focussed on Andrew's sexual shenanigans, who knows Charles just might get away with his Covid coronation coup. Plus Cressida Dick will surely get the blame anyway. At the time of going to press Grace U...

  Let's hope there's no splash back!

Is it a snack you can wear or an item of clothing you can eat? That is the question on the lips of high street consumers of savoury steak bakes and cheap clothing this morning following the news that the retailer Primark has joined forces with the bakery chain Greggs to launch a new clothing line A limited-edition, 11-piece collection of clothing will be available in 60 Primark stores later this month, whilst Greggs will open a 130-seater café in Primark's flagship store in Birmingham. Hopefully its on the ground flooor otherwise Gregg's regulars will struggle to manage any flights of stairs or get more than three people in a lift. Expected to trade under the name 'Piemark' is has not been confirmed yet whether the range will be designed by Ted Baker but it is expected that the clothing which will probably be made in third world sweatshops (or Leicester factories) will only be available in XXXXL  Jacob Rees Mogg was quick to claim this was only the first of his new init...

Spirits were reported to be sky high in Labour party headquarters today after several members of the general public actually recognised their leader Sir Kier Starmer. Known up and down the land as 'the invisible man' of British politics, it is reported that more people have claimed to have seen Lord Lucan, Shergar and Elvis that have actually laid eyes on Starmer since he became leader of the opposition. Now it seems not only did a gang of ruffians lay eyes on him, some were determined to lay hands and boots on him too Speaking to Grace Under Pressure an insider within the Labour party dismissed the idea that Sir kier was so anonymous, members of the shadow cabinet are issued with a weekly picture just to remind them what he looks like. "Meeting him out of context does makes this task of recognition even harder, " he admitted, "and many in the labour heartlands are still not convinced he would set off a motion detector or even have a reflection if caught in a mir...

Who would have thought you have spent your whole life trying to avoid a multitude of activities in the freezing cold that people who live in other countries actually think are fun.  What better way is there to spend 4am on a Tuesday morning than watching normally sane individuals hurtling down an ice tube at a gazzilion km an hour riding a tea tray. What could be more enchanting than watching couples trying to play bowls on ice but by using large stones and a sweeping brush. Is there anything more life affirming that watching people do mental acrobatics on skies featuring a commentary by people obviously high on illegal substances, using phrases, descriptions and expressions you will not understand in the slightest.  Is there a greater ear worm than the theme tune for Ski Sunday which will now be lodged in your head unti the clocks go forward. Is there any greater certainty than the fact that GB will struggle to win a gold medal until snowman building, slipping back down an up...

    With five resignations and one dog seeking a new owner, the question is will it be six leaving parties or just a single biggie?

In breaking news Grace Under Pressure can reveal that Downing Street has been rocked by another shocking departure from no 10. It has already been a bad week for the PM following multiple resignations by senior chief of staff and communications officers at Downing Street, but this morning the obvious crisis was made even worse by the overnight resignation of one of Boris Johnson's most loyal and trusted allies...Dilyn the dog. Dilyn, who has not only been a confidant and close friend of the Prime Minister throughout his two years in office but is thought by any people to be the main driving force behind the PM's Brexit, Covid and Levelling Up stategy, is reported to be tired of rolling over to have his tummy tickled only to find it is just another vacuous pormise never fulfilled. One inside source revealed, 'He loves to be adored, pampered, fussed over and the centre of attention all the time, but that enough about the Prime Minister. Poor Dilyn never got a look it apart f...

Dear Deirdre, When I first met the man who is now my husband, he was such a carefree individual. The kind of man who would dangle helplessly from a zipwire, smash into 10yr old Japanese schoolboys whilst playing touch rugby and order three giant water canons just because he could. I fell instantly for his bluster and bumblng which had an certain attraction. I adored the way he could almost appear to make up words to confuse people. His reckless abandon with hair and clothes had such a charm to it. And I just loved how he always seemed to land on his feet as if he had nine lives. He even managed to get large parts of 'the northen people' to like him so much they elected him their 'main man' too. Infact everyone seemed to love him Now it's all gone horribly wrong and I think I've married a complete bell end. He doesn't seem to know where fact ends and fiction starts and has taken to wearing Hi Viz tabards, hard hatS, and hanging about on building sites almost ...

Worried about whether to eat or heat? Concerned about how many jumpers you can wear and still remain functional? Well fear no more because Rishi 'I wouldn't have said that' Sunak is offering some free handy dandy advice on how to stay warm this winter. Have lots of staff and servants knocking about the place, as their combined body heat will help to heat your cavernous sized rooms, conservatory and Aquararium. Remember if they shiver as they emerge from their unheated sleeping quarters that will just generate extra heat for you. Just burn wads of cash. If you have so much of it you make the Queen look as if she is on universal credit then you won't notice its gone even if you have to burn sack loads of crisp 50's just to take the chill off. The mere reailty that you alone are weathier than your entire constituency is scientifically proven to raise your body temperature. Don't just turn off a light in a single room, remember to turn off your entire 3rd, 4th and e...

For the past couple of days I have stepped off the treadmill and been away on a retreat alongside ministerial collegues from within the Nottingham and Derby district. Based at The Heys in Swanick, it was only a 20 min drive up the road compared to the 2 1/2 hours it used to take to do similar 'time outs' when I was based in Wales. As well as being given new insights into familiar bible passages, it was also a chance to put personalities to people I had previously only heard of through their roles / positions within the district and also heirarchy of the wider church. As such the two days provided an opportunty to meet and greet, a chance to chill and slow down, a time to temporarily disengage with all the non essential phaf associated with our roles and to reengage with our calling. It was an enjoyable 48 hours, which is high praise from someone who doen't normally enjoy this sort of enforced get together. It was also I hope a step back towards being more comfortable meetin...

It occured to me the other day that we haven't had a song for a little while. Neither have we had any dancing. So today I thought I would rectify both of those omissions.  My current favourite song is 'Forgive Myself' recorded by Sam Smith, which I discovered on a CD recently picked up from a local charity shop. It is I admit one that I have pressed 'repeat' on more than one occasion during the past week, becoming as it has my favourite song by, and here I am careful in my use of pronounds, 'them'     And then as is often the case with Youtube, I came across the second little video that I have uploaded today, some exquisitely choreographed dance to the soundetrack of the same song. So if as well as singing along, you also like to throw some shapes and poses, this should be right up your street.