25th February Middle England hits panic button

The stark reality of the conflict that is raging between Russia and the Ukraine hit deep into the heart of middle England over night as possible consequences of World War 3 were revealed.

The war will have many effects. The tragic loss of life, economic hardships, the return to even frostier relations between east and west, the staggering rise in the cost of gas and oil, and not forgetting of course the very real prospect that Waitrose will run short of its artisan range of edibles.

Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, Waitrose regular, Virginia Poncenby Smythe, revealed “Even at the height of lockdown, it was unimaginable that my children would have to sit down to a lunch that was devoid of fresh kumquats or some arti farti crisps made from ethically sourced legume skins. Now it looks as if they might actually have to go to school without an avacado houmous dip to accompany their organically farmed carrot sticks."

"It's all very well for those who shop at Lidl or Aldi, they will be able to survive on eating cardboard as it has the same taste and texture as an essential loaf of bread bought from those stores, but for those of us with fine palates who have not only heard of quinoa, but can spell it too, this is just a disaster."

"I guess we will all just have to make the expected sacrifices as rationing hits. If it means trading our regular pheasant eggs for ones from a chicken then so be it. Such are the horrors of war I suppose. I just hope they don’t run out of the mushroom and truffle sourdough pizza or heaven forbid the spiced pear and quince relish. But I guess if it really gets that bad that's what those cyanide pills that Grandma gave me are for.”