4th February Energy saving tips with Rishi Sunak

Worried about whether to eat or heat? Concerned about how many jumpers you can wear and still remain functional? Well fear no more because Rishi 'I wouldn't have said that' Sunak is offering some free handy dandy advice on how to stay warm this winter.

Have lots of staff and servants knocking about the place, as their combined body heat will help to heat your cavernous sized rooms, conservatory and Aquararium. Remember if they shiver as they emerge from their unheated sleeping quarters that will just generate extra heat for you.

Just burn wads of cash. If you have so much of it you make the Queen look as if she is on universal credit then you won't notice its gone even if you have to burn sack loads of crisp 50's just to take the chill off. The mere reailty that you alone are weathier than your entire constituency is scientifically proven to raise your body temperature.

Don't just turn off a light in a single room, remember to turn off your entire 3rd, 4th and even 5th home. You don't need to worry about doing that in your second home because the government foots the bill for that so you can turn the heating up so high that radiating heat glow from your roof will make Police helicopters flying overhead mistake your house for an illegal marijuana growing factory.

Wear trendy clothes like a hoodie to ensure you are not just down wi the kidz but also keeping those oversized ears all toastie. £250 a pair Ferragamo sliders also provide great insulation against those marble floors and italian mosaic tiles. But don't forget to wear socks with them too. Avoid hi viz jackets and hard hats at all costs.

Just be small. Smaller people need less energy to warm up and are able to squeeze into the tightest of spaces on the front benches and just soak in all that body warmth from others, even the dead eyed ones.

Bathe in the self generated glow that comes from knowing its only a matter of time before the axe falls on Boris and then its only a hand to hand combat duel with Liz Truss that seperates you from the top job in the land.