Grace Under Pressure 2

So back in the real world, what did I gain / learn from the retreat. Uhm? Well I learned that a place with all you can eat meals three times a day, crammed full of sugar filled treats, plus mid meals snackettes isn't the best place for a newly diagnosed diabetic. But you will all be pleased to know that I was a good boy and managed to resist temptation (most of the time).  I learned, although in truth I already knew so it was merely confirmation, that I really don't like these gatherings. Especially the 'unstructured' nature where there is too much time in the day to 'go away and reflect'. Probably because I didn't think there was enough substance to actually reflect on.  I would have liked some 'directed' group activities where we would have been encouraged to talk to those we didn't really now as well as to familiar faces about the joys and challenges of the ministry we all face. As it is I came away knowing little or nothing about where my col...

So with an afternoon free, in a retreat already too full of free time, I went for a little 5 mile jolly over the mud filled fields and around Butterley reservoir. And as I ran, keeping in tune with the theme of the retreat,  I listened. Listened to the clunk of my electronic door key shutting...the sound of my Garmin watch setting itself ...the rapid increase and then settling down of my breathing...the padum, padum of my heartheart...the crunch of the gravel path beneath my feet. Listened to the woosh of wind in the trees...the squelch of mud...the splash of puddles...the clank of iron gates...the huff and puff of negotiating styles...the swoosh of faraway cars...the muffled sound of a plane overhead...the sudden scurry of who knows whay in hedges...the bark of a dog...the sudden roar of lorries. Listened to the silence of fisherman...the rustle of reeds...the flapping of birds taking to flight from bushes, trees and water...the stillness of a deserted railway station...the whir o...

It will come as a surprise to none to hear that district retreats are not my favourite thing. Whilst it might seem a good thing, it inevitably falls at at time that it the most inconveient, when my diary is crammed to capacity. And with a changing of the guard within the heirarchy of the district it was become less of a three line whip ie almost compulsory to attend, so that this time round I would guesstimate that there are roughly half the districts ministers present.  And those that are here can very quickly fall into little cliques of circuits or committee members depending on which circles one moves in. I tend to move in triangles. As it is I am the sole (or should that be soul) representative from my circuit. Who would ever have thought that I would be the one holding the flag for NNE. Interestingly when arriving here there was a sign in the entrance foyer directing the way to the room where a group called 'Limitless Leaders' were meeting. Needless to say that wasn...

Fresh on the heels of what is being called 'the biggest injustice in British legal history' and with its chairman of only 12 months ,Henry Staunton, forced to resign, the Post Office has just announced yet another great idea to try and win back public confidence.  Speaking in an exclusive with Grace Under Pressure, Post office spokesperson, Returnte Sender, revealed, "Everyone has been up in arms over the possibility of Saturday becoming a non delivery day and so we have come up with a simple  solution. Let's not deliver on any day2 "Instead people can simply come to us to see if there is any mail. this would save our posties from being attacked by dogs and also reduce the worry of elderly people seeing their local postman / women still wearing shorts when there's 6 inches of snow on the ground". "For those of you who have travelled abroad in days gone by, remember the excitement of turning up at some impossible to find Post Restate office in a far f...

For the past 8 years I have often stood looking out of the window at TOM's admiring the stunning view over the town of Matlock and its associated hills and fields. Dominating the skyline is the now derelict Riber Castle, a 19th century Grade 2 listed house overlooking the town. Whilst not really a castle, the structure is known locally as "Smedley's Folly" because of the difficulty of getting water to the hill summit, after it was built by the industrialist John Smedley in 1862 as his private home. It has since been used as a boys' prep school  and then with the coming of World War II the Ministry of Defence used the site for food storage. Unused until the 1960s it was then home to a wildlife park until Sept 2000. Recent plans to turn the shell of the castle into luxury apartments have failed repeatedly.  Prior to meeting TOM, my only previous encounter with Riber Castle was through the film 'Dead Man's Shoes starring Paddy Considine, which used the town ...

In news that should surprise absolutely no one, remarks make by former First Minister of Scotland, Nicola Steurgon, in the current Covid enquiry, has proved that whilst she might be pretty ropey when it comes to accounting, she is in fact a pretty shrewd judge of Boris Johnson's character, credentials and competance.  Throwing in for good measure that she considered Theresa May to be a useful as a marzipan dildo only confirmed her astute judgement. Indeed what has suprised many both within the corridors of Westminter and in the cafes of this sceptered isle, is the fact that she didn't used a wider range of expletives to describe Boris Johnson and his governments handing of the pandemic Speaking to Grace Under Pressure one Tory backbencher revealed, "To be honest it was all pretty tame stuff compared to what he gets called within his own party. I mean the expletive 'f^%$*£g' is almost like another middle name for him. I have had a bit more respect for Nicola if ...

  Success seems to have gone to Ken's head (and middle) following the Oscar nominations which have revealed an alternative Barbie world in which only Ken out of the principal characters has been nominated for an acting prize. Famed for his sun kissed blonde hair and washboard stomach, days of non stop partying have resulted in Ken now having a bald patch and a beergut that is sure to make many middle aged men feel far less conscious about their own 'non beach ready' bodies. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, renowned film critic, Cellu Lloyd, remarked, " the ending of the original movie finished with all of the main characters in a really good place, so it will be interesting to see that despite Barbie finding herself, it appears that in the real world she also finds herself looking in at the glitz and glamour of the Oscars that have chosen to celebrate only her male counterpart." At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure is not able to confim whether t...

  Resist the temptation to buy a factory reared Haggis...

  that it's time for a tidy up when EVERY room in your house looks like a Tracey Emin installation.

In breaking news Grace Under Pressure is able to reveal the reason behind the sudden surge of measles which is sweeping across the UK. In a revelation that will not surprise many it has been found that the highest rates of the formally eradicated disease is highest amongst those members of the population who rely on getting their medical advice from Facebook, Instagram, their mates What's Upp group or via a celebrity Tik Toc video. Professor Spot E Face (which should not be confused with the streaming service Spotify), speaking from the Department of Itchy Itches and Rampant Rashes revealed, "It's quite startling that the people who get their medical knowledge from extensive drug trails, peer to peer reviewed scientific papers, fully qualified medical practitioners or the NHS website and who get their children immunised will find that their offspring are far less likely to get measles if at all than people who think a social media influencer with 12 followers has the answe...

So how did you fair in last night's wind assisted lottery which sought to randomly redistribute various items of garden furniture around the local neighbourhood? With winds approaching the 100mph hour ensuring virtually nothing was safe from the whiles and whims of Mother Nature, many woke up today uncertain whether they had been winners or losers in the game of chance. Bobby Smallbone of Hucknall spoke exclusively to Grace Under Pressure and revealed, "Well it's been a real mixed bag to be honest. I went in the garden this morning to discover that the rattan chair set that Cheryl's mother bought us a few years ago, and which if I'm honest I've never liked or found comfortable, well it's upped and gone. Not a trace of them" "But we seem to have acquired a large rainbow parasol,  several green recycling bins and a trampoline, so that's a bit of a win in my book. Unlike my vegetarian neighbours Keisha and Miles who have just been on the phone a...

  Says Sean Connery in his sexy Scotish slur as the latest barometric beast batters Britain.

To the surprise of many, caped crusader and regular super hero, Hordan Jenderson has completed his mission in Saudia Arabia to make homosexuality and its associated antics absolutly acceptable to everyone living in the kingdom, 18 months earlier than his initial contract had suggested it might take him.  Whilst many doubted his ability to do anything except count very large piles of money all day. Hordan Jenderson has infact turned the formerly conservative country into a veritable rainbow of self identification and acceptance, where being spotted in the crowd at a Pride Parade is now the must be seen at event. Speaking in an exclusive to Grace Under Pressure, Jenderson revealed, " Yeah it was a lot easier than I imagined to be honest. I mean it helped having gay icons like Christiano already here, mincing and prancing about. So much so that there's little point just staying here when there are other world problems to be solved." "When I heard about Amsterdam and all...

W ell just when I thought my life could get any more surreal. It appears that the NHS really kicks into action once a man turns 60, almost as if to make up from offering bugger all else in the way of preventative tests for the previous 6 decades. So having attended the Well Man clinic last month only to discover that I wasn't all that wel,l I was put on medication for the big D. I also received apointment to have my eyes and feet looked at as well as 2 x 4 hour education sessions to inform me about diet and lifestyle choices.  This morning yet another letter from the dear old NHS dropped on the doormat. This one delighting me with the news that as I have now reached 60, I 'qualify' for a bowel cancer screening check, the news of which in itself almost made me s%$t myself.  It appears it's no only King Charles who will be having a high definition IMAX camera stuck where the sun don't shine. But at least Prince Harry is going to be doing mine!! All I am waiting for no...

So what's been on repeat in 2024 as I drive around I hear you ask? Well for the past few days it's been this, the perfect mix of voice, lyrics, mood and aching guitar.  From his 2001 album 'A man under the  influence', this is Alejandro Escovedo and the beautiful 'Don't Need You'  

Hands up if your favourite ever weather forecast was that delivered on The Fast Show by Channel 9's Spanish weather girl, Paulo Fisch, played by the wonderful and much missed Carolyne Aherne.  Transporting us back in time before the advent of digital clickers and green screen, Paulo would simply slap her often non sticky weather symbol of a blazing sun all across whatever countries map was behind her, a map that invariably showed the temp to be a uniform 45 degrees. All delivered with her trademark proclamation...Scorchio!! Scorchio was the last thing on BBC weather man, Tomaz Shaffernaker's lips yesterday when the visibly frosty frontman, stood somewhere north of Hadrian's Wall, wearing due to a BBC wardrobe malfunction, nothing more than a singlet and a pair of 1970's skimpy shorts as he attempted to deliver the weather forcast. Speaking to Naga Munchetty, sat in the greenhouse like temperature of the BBC studio st Salford Quays, Tomaz quickly dispensed with his usua...

To celebrate the big 'OH' birthday, and following hot on the heels of hearing all about the big D, yesterday I had a very different shopping experince in my local 'Oldie'. As a result, shopping which is normally something done rather swiflty and  on auto pilot took on a whole different complexion due to the fatal 4. Yes thats right, fat, sugar, carbs and salt. I don't think I've ever looked at so much packaging and so many labels in my life trying to calculate just how much was too much, playing one off against the other, trying to find things that were both generally healthy and also tasty. All of which meant I lingered in areas of the store, I had rarely ventured into before. I mean who knew there was so many different colours of vegetables!! I am sure people thought I was both ataxic and suffering from Tourette's as my hand kept automatically reaching for crisps, biscuits, mini pork pies, cheese, pasta, full fat milk, more cheese, angel delight and choc...

 

Nothing boosts your chances of winning an election more than having a bit of a mini war with a substantially inferior opponent. Not even having control of the economy, immigration or a functioning health service. So is it just coincidence that Rishi Sunak is keen to flex his military muscles in the very year he will be bidding for re-election,or simply election if we are being pedantic. Speaking in an exclusive undercover stealth operation to Grace Under Pressure, a government spokessman, revealed "Armed conflict is absolutely, utterly awful and should be avoided at all costs unless you happen to be beind in the opinion polls, when it fact a bit of 'Argy Bargy' is just what the doctor ordered. Just ask Margaret Thatcher how the Falklands crisis helped to return her to power." "Nothing gets the Union Jacks flying from bedroom windows quicker than a war. Or a major international football competition. Or a National Front rally. I mean Bennie Knianyahoooo is all ov...

When is a Park Run not a Park Run? The answer is when its the Whiteworth Thread, a once a month 5km jolly in Darley Dale, just outside Matlock, that is a Park Run in everything but name. And the official times. And bar codes. And national status. And possibly even crowds.  But as Matlock hasn't been able to get it's act together and organise a weekly Park Run, and to be honest I am not quite sure where it would hold one (outside of this particular location) it's the best I can offer for R2 in my sixty at 60. Why is it called the Whitworth Thread I hear you ask? Well the Whitworth thread was the world's first national screw thread standard, devised and specified by Joseph Whitworth in 1841 who began his apprenticship at Amber Mill in nearby OakerThorpe, but who moved to live in Darley Dale in 1850 .  Scholarships are still offered in his name today, directed at outstanding engineers who, like Sir Joseph Whitworth, have excellent academic and practical skills and the qu...

First it was May. then the government had a change of heart with Rishi Sunak droppping hints that the election might well be in November.  Now in what may or may not be factual gibberish, the Tory party have decided that the election is going to be next week after realising that the contract for counting the votes (just the Tory ones) has been awarded to Fujitsu. This is the first time a UK election will be done electronically as opposed to having to trek to the polling station located in some obscure church hall. The new program which is called 'Vennels' is described as being as 'robust' as any comparable computer bsed system used in North Korea, Russia, Zimbabwe and according to Donald Trump, the state of Georgia. Head of Fujitsu cyber security, Ivor Gigga Byte, revealed, "It is expected to operate best in marginal and not so marginal blue seats, where sitting Tory MP's together with those fightng to become members of Parliament will be able to see their actu...

Sometimes life throws a curve ball right out of the blue. One that shakes you up. Today is one of those days because it appears that I shall be celebrating my 60th birthday next week as a Type 2 Diabetic.  As part of the Well Man initiative I was invited to go and have a blood test on my local GPs. I was then invited to go and repeat the blood test a week or so later. I was then invited in to see the nurse where I was informed that despite not having put on any weight since my last check up in 2014 (I've just redistributed it around my waist), having the kidney function of a 21 year old and the BP of an athlete (or words to that effect), I also have high cholesterol and sugar levels. It appears I am not a Well Man. So much so that I have bypassed the 'you are heading towards being diabetic' to a fully paid up member of the Type 2 club. Which as you might imagine has been somewhat discombobulating. I am aware that it is not life threatening but it certainly promises to be li...

In breaking news Grace Under Pressure is able to confirm that the CBE that has supposedly been returned to Downing Street by disgraced former head of the GPO, Paula Vennels, has not yet arrived at its destination.  Rumours and excuses are already circulating in the corridors of Westminister as to what the reason could be for this Did Ms Vennels not apply sufficient postage? Was it lost or damaged in transit? Has it been left with a neighbour? Could the postie not get to the house because of a ferocious dog? Is the Post Office on a go slow, work to rule or all out strike?  Or heaven forbid...has it been due to a computer failure? Whatever the excuse it appears that whether in office or out of office Ms Vennels just doesn't appear to be able to deliver on any front.  

In breaking news Grace Under Pressure can reveal that the Metropolitan Police have confirmed that they are willing to investigate any widespread injustices against innocent civilians providing decades have elapsed, other people gather all the evidence and then it is made into an eminantly watchable, potentially award winning TV drama featuring several national treasures. Already stretched to breaking point arresting random black peole driving expensive looking cars and identifying which of their members aren't sex pests and serial rapists, the Met has revealed this new joint initiative against crime, with most if not all of the initiative being given by the general public, will begin immediately. With evidence already having been provided by people across the political spectrum, a late Autumn highlight on the goggle box is expected to include 'Truss me, I've been elected PM'. This will be a 4.4 part box set, highlighting the crime against the British economy commited by...

  The New Year fitness aspirations of an unnamed almost 60 year old have suffered possible irrepairable damage after a severe chaffing incident with his new workout outfit. Keen to tame the tummy whilst simultaneouly boosting his buttocks, our apathetic athlete hit the mean streets of Hucknall feeling quite the bobby dazzler in his new 100% nylon tracksuit.  Thinking that the warm sensation in his inner thighs and nether regions was either an adrenaline rush or an incontinence incident, our pedestrian paced pavement pounder picked up the pace until he was moving as a speed equivalent to a reconditioned mobility scooter. Suddenly without warning, in an incident that was as close to spontaneus combustion as it's possible to get without actually bursting into flames, his latest fitness foray was brought to a halt in an overload of static electricity. At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure can confirm that our very irreverant runner's fat fighting running regime is cur...

Easter!! Less than a week into the New Year and with festive decoration hardly back tangling themselves in knots in their boxes, supermarkets have officially declared that it is already Easter, bringing to an official end Christmas which began way way back in September 2023 With shelves already rammed full of chocolate eggs, rabbit themed displays and hot cross buns with a best by date of eternity, people are now able to begin celebrating the death and resurrection of Jesus even before the little lad has his foreskin whipped off. At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure can confirm that Easter is expected to come quicker than a hormone fueled teenager watching his first pron video. And for those who want a second coming, merchandise for Halloween will be available in your local high street in early June    

In yet another attempt to stamp on the search for the truth, the Post Office has attempted to make people forget about how it managed to destroyed hundred of people’s lives by issueing a new set of stamps featuring the Spice Girls. Following hot on the heels of the stunning ITV series, 'Mr Bates vs the Post Ofiice, one that really enveloped the audicnce with its 1st class delivery, it would perhaps be wrong of Grace Under Pressure to suggest that the release of this commemorative and very lickable set of Spice Girls stamps has been specifically timed to distract from how the Post Office wrongly accused sub-postmasters and post mistresses of theft due to its dodgy computer system. Wrong but possibly accurate. And how it is that whilst others got the sack, Paula Vennels who was an Anglican priest whilst all this was going on, received a CBE for her services to the Postoffice. It just beggars belief. I mean what the f&%k. Perhaps it should be returned to sender by special deli...

Are you, like millions of others, suddenly finding out the hard way that giving up everything you enjoy during the month of January is doing absolutely nothing to make it any less miserable? Up and down the length of the country New Year's resolutions are already beginning to creak and crack under the strain of giving up booze, fags, drugs, take aways, chocolate and simply lazing on the sofa bingle watching the latest must see box set after a mere 5 days Already at breaking point due to the junior doctors strike, A&E departments have already seen a substantial number of admissions following mishaps at the gym with some 2024 exercise enthusiasts managing to pull calf muscles just trying to get into their new Lycra leggings. With its short dismal days, shockingly low temperatures, empty bank accounts and post-Christmas back-to-work blues, January is well known for being the most miserable month of the year. And yet masochists start off the year by denying themselves the very...

An almost 60 yr old man from Hucknall, who may or may not be about to have yet another exsistential midlife crisis, has revealed his new sporting icon for 2024, and the person he thinks he can most look like by the end of the year, if he sticks to his strict training program. Having realised that looking like one of the newly reformed Gladiators was perhaps setting the bar a tad too high, the unnamed almost 60 year old has revealed that he will, God willing, transform himself into a Luke Littler look a like in time for Jools Holland's 2024 ShootaGranny. Speakng in an exclusive to Grace Under Pressure's very own rapidly rounding reporter, Mr Ann Onymus, revealed, "It wasn't his endless dedication to training that appealed to me, but rather his diet of kebabs, omlettes, pizza and a can of Tango. Having succesfully completed the 5km to couch program I've been looking for inspiration to take me to the next level of sporting inertia. In Luke I think I've found my ma...

Several years ago, on a trip up to the Lake District, TOM and I stopped off at Carnforth to visit the railway station where the film Brief Encounter was shot. Sitting in the waiting room enjoying a scone and coffee, I am not going to say which one of us played the Trevor Johnson / Celia Howard parts, I'll just let you guess.Yes back in the day we really did live lives right on the edge.  Yesterday we had a rather wet jolly to the Royal Exchange Theatre in Manchester to watch a musical version of the same film. It had been difficult getting tickets in the run up to Christmas such was its popularity but we finally managed to get a couple of cheap seats for the matinee performance yesterday,which drew an almost cap[acity crowd.  Thankfully TOM's hacking cough of the past week seemed much better so that apart from the occasional rustling of couch sweet wrappers at not very diecrete intervals, the whole thing went swimmingly well. Sitting in the cheap seats, ie on the very front ro...

So the start of a new year and a chance to start if off with a possible PB. One of the features of NY's day for the past few years has been the 5 mile Hangover race (minus the hangover) normally run on the outskirts of Belper. This year for a reason that might well remain a mystery, there was a switch of venue to its original location of Wirksworth, which was where I first ran it back in 2018.  It was also the first time TOM came along with me to a run (well to sit in the pub and wait for me to finish). It was also the last time TOM came along with me to a run, to sit in the pub and wait for me to finish!! Read into that what you will. Five years on the question was would I get anywhere near or even beat the time I ran back then. I know the answer to both of those questions is probaby 'NO' but let's start the year with hope at least. Unfortunately I will never know because the 2023 rout was not the same as the one run back in 2018.  What we, and when I say 'we' ...

 And probably one I will actually keep.