Grace Under Pressure 2

 I guess normally, given the date, you might expect me to be posting some almost believable story that might get you wondering if it was an actual April Fools day story or just a figment of my fertive but fractured imagination.  Instead, because I know you have been patiently waiting for another blissful beauty of aural excellence, I am giving you this. Taken from their new album 'The first two pages of Frankenstein' this is The National and the wonderful hypnotic Eucalyptus, a heartbreaking modern breakup song if ever I heard one.   It wouldn't be fair, it'd be so alone. Without you there, it wouldn't be fair  It wouldn't be fair, there's nobody home  I'm already there, it wouldn't be fair

In their debut performance at a local primary school,  the rapidly formed and thoroughly under reheared 'Rise Park Six'  offered an interpretation of the last week of Jesus' life that would give most theologians nightmares.  Featuring method acting techniques that would have put Daniel Day Lewis to shame, choreography that would have gained a '10' even from Craig Reval Horwood and a sceenplay that made the plot of Everything, Everywhere, All At Once seem easy to follow, it was a sixty minute assault for body mind and certainly spirit.  Some present were restless, some wouldn't be quiet, some with their hand up all the time asking to go to the toilet...but thats enough about the scenes back stage. With a cast of multiple talents, none of which included acting, the Easter Experience featured a moneychanger whose prices for livestock bore no relevance to the cost of living crisis, a women having a meal in an upper room with no thoughts to health and safety, a respr...

In breaking news Grace Under Pressure can be the first to reveal that Les Dennis, Sarah Lancaster and Dame Judy Dench are all reported to be in hiding under police protection after being named and shamed by their fellow luvvies for failing to tweet, post or upload a overtly sentimental gushing tribute to Paul O'Grady within the allocated two hour response time following his death. Early yesterday morning the internet almost melted under the deluge of people trying to outdo each other with tales of what Paul OGrady had meant to them in a very, very personal manner even though they had only ever been in the same room as him whilst standing to greet the Queen after a Royal Variety performance or never actually met him at all. Now branded pariahs in the world of light entertainment and radio for failing to rank their fleeting meeting with Mr O Grady as one of their top three life changing moments, the three are now further away from being deemed accetptable at a Bafta award ceremony th...

Whilst many thought that Paddy Power or Bet 365 would be installed as the early favourites, in what many bookies are predicting will not be a first past the post race William Hills have stormed into an early lead in the Gambling Commision Insufficient Safeguarding Stakes.  With BetFred, Betfair, Ladbrokes, Coral, PariMatch and 888Sport making up just some of the runners and riders in this field, race course pundits and followers of form are ready to wager far more than they should ever be allowed too in an attempt to predict which of these fancied fillies are sure to stumble and fall before the race is run.  Whilst this might seem a long shot to some, for those in the know the horse has already bolted and the stable gate is still wide open. At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure cannot rule out a stewards enquiry into whether this particular post is a Gold Cup winner or just good for glue.

In an amazing legal first, the jury of twelve good men and women in the skiing saga of Paltrow vs Anderson today returned an astonishing and unprecedented verdict in which it decided unanimously that Gwyneth Paltrow is suffering significant brain injuries. This is even though it was her coutroom advesary, Terry Anderson, who claimed to have suffered neurological damage as a result of their entanglement on the slopes . Setting the context, the prosecution team began by showing how once upon a time Gwyneth Paltrow was mentally sharp as a pin by reminding the jury of some of the great choices she made in her roles as an actress by refering to Sliding Doors, Shakespeare in Love, The Talented Mr Ripley and even Shallow Hal. Evidence for a decline in Ms Paltrow's mental wellbeing was then presented in graphic and grizzly detail. As far back as 2014 she described her marital divorce from Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin as 'conscious uncoupling', a nonsensical phrase that had eve...

In breaking news Grace Under Pressure can reveal that Humzah Yusuf has swept to power in his bid to become First Minister in Scotland, riding on the back of an election promise to ensure that Nitrous Oxide is freely available in Scotland and that no one will be forced to wear a flourescent orange jumpsuit in public, no matter what crime they have committed This is in stauch defiance of PM Rishi Sunak's attempts to outlaw the drug in England and seems to be almost as big a political divide as that of independence. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, Mr Yusef explained, "People say that it's a gateway gas, one that will only lead people on to try heavier gases but there is no evidence to suggest that at all. I mean breathing in Oxygen hasn't led anyone as far as I know to start taking a swipe from a helium balloon so that they can talk in a funny high pitched voice. And doing that isn't going to mean that folks are going to be off their tits on Nitrous Oxide." ...

Today, to coincide with the clocks going forward, we are hosting the first edition of a quiz all about time. Some of the questions will involve identifying time related songs just from their spoken lyrics, trying as hard as I can to give no indication of the tune. Here is probably (although tonight might reveal a dfferent story) the most famous of them, with one of the best guitars solos ever recorded. This is Pink Floyd and the aptly named 'Time'.

Today I have just come back from completing the Chicken Run over in Hayfield, near Glossop. It is an event that is organised to raise finds for the delightful primary schook that is in the village. So my pain is their gain I guess.  It's a race I did last year and I think at the time I vowed never to do it again. But either time is a healer or I my memory is shot and I forgot how hard it was when I entered it again. And I was in great form for the first 100 meters or so until the first short, sharp, steep and savage climb brought all my nightmares flooding back. At just over 8 miles, the distance itself isnt too bad, but the majority of it is either up hills I would never be able to run up or down slippery rock or root strewn trails where my only thought was 'now don't go and do anything that means the Mountain Rescue have to be called out John!!' Thankfully I didnt. Running on a morning where we literally had all four seasons in the space of a couple of hours, the Chic...

 

  There are many ways to conduct a defence against a whole stack of charges put against you. You could take the OJ Simpson option and hire a crack team of lawyers. You yourself could possess a brilliant legal mind and be able to dispense with highly paid profesionals to prove your innocence. Or you could channel your inner Heath Ledger and turn up for a career making appearance kitted out as The Joker, ready to plead insanity. The sound of the 'parp parp' issued by the horn on the car heralding Boris Johnson arrived at his hearing of the privileges committee give observors some idea, even before he came into view, that former PM Johnson was not going to conduct a normal defence against the charges of being a 'lying dickhead'. It was however still a shock to see that Mr Johnson had made an effort for once with his appearance as shown by his garishly painted face, water squirting bow tie and squeaky clown shoes, together with that unmistakable mop of straw for hair. Admit...

And no before you ask I am not refering to Boris Johnson's performance this afternoon in front of the Privilages Committee, a cross-party group charged with investigating MPs for contempt of Parliament and breaches of parliamentary privilege rules. Or as is the case today, simply confirming that Johnson is a cockwomble. Rather I am referring to the theatrical adventure I went to see at the Playhouse last night entitled Village Idiot. Now if there was an award for the play that contacined the most 4 letter words during its performance then this would surely win. Advertised as a play could could very well offend everyone, by the end of the 2hr 30min performance, the very strong language and themes relating to class, race, ethnicity, sexuality, sex, gender identity and disability, certainly could have offended most of the people there but perhaps surprisingly didn't. Or maybe like me they had simply given up trying to keep score of the number of times the word, f%&k, t%$t or ...

  But this time it's going to be honest lies.

As the BBC discovered that there was actually other news happening in the world following the return of Gary Lineker to our screens over the weekend, eagle eyed viewers to Match of the Day were puzzled to see several areas of the field appear to be blurred out during highlights of the days matches. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own touchline trotter, football fan Gizza Pass revealved, "At first I thought the missis had been a bit lax with her dusting but then realised that this opaque area wasn't confined to a single spot on the 56inch HD screen but seemed to move about of its own acord almost as if it had accquired some kind of sentinent artificial intellegence." "And it seemed only to mask certain players when they were in certain areas of the pitch. Erling Harland was crystal clear for the whole game as was Bukayo Saka, Mo Salah and Riyad Mahrez. But everytime Marcus Rashford, Son Heung-Min or Jack Grelish got the ball it was like someone has suddenl...

Barry couldn't understand why his girlfiend Shirely was so pleased to be Covid positive

  in a touching tribute to its founder Jacqueline Gold following her death yesterday, Ann Summers is asking its customers to wear their knicker at half mast today in what is being described by the dedicated followers of fashion as their new 'neither halfway up or halfway down' collection. .

A few months ago some of you might recall I went to see Gang of Youths at Nottingham's 'premier rock venue', the not very imaginatively named Rock City, only to come away disappointed, not because of the band's performance but due to the very poor muffled sound. So it was with some degree of trepidation that I ventured back to the same venue last night to see the current best band in the world (from Wigan). Many years ago that title would have been held by The Verve but not any longer. Welcome to The Lathums. Hot on the heel of thier second album 'from Nothing to a Little Bit More', which crashed into the charts at no 1, the atmosphere was electric even before the band hit the stage mainly due to the best pre show singalong soundtrack I have ever heard, featuring the Arctic Monkeys, Sam Fender, Neil Diamond and a wonderful finale of the Housemartins' Caravan of Love'. As for the Lathums, well they were fabulous, as was the sound from where I stood adjace...

I really did give it a go. Several goes in fact. Over several days. And at different points in the day. But in the end I just gave up and admitted defeat.   For those of you still in the dark and wondering if this is yet another Ultra running challenge I have undertaken, no its not, although it did feel like an endurance event at the time. I am referring to the film Everything Everywhere All At Once which has swept everything before it at this years film awards, including an unbelievalbe seven Oscars. Whatever the judges saw to award it so many prizes I certainly didn't. Maybe it got better later on, the trouble was I didn't get to the later on part in order to find out, having struggled to watch it for the best part of an hour . Instead I discovered that there was another multiverse in whch I just turned it off and went to do something far more worthwhile instead. So for once...don't beleive the hype. It was awful!

Dick Fosburied Unemployed shrimp has no luck finding a job despite putting out feelers Unsyncronised drummer is bang out of order Both Garys back where they belong: Lineker and Glitter Unwatchable Sci Fi film wins every award, everywhere, all at once Buddhist society aims for 100% recycled membership BBC pulls coverage of crown green bowling competition after being accused of bias Deliveroo rider overjoyed to hear pension pot limit rises to 1.8 million Foreign chidren now more frightened for the Braverman that the Bogeyman After Met Office workers go on stike Britain has no weather today  In response to Lineker tantrum government to develop 'measurably cruel' immigragtion policy Facebook has meta-physical challenge of needing 10,000 fewer faces    

Alan Shearer, Ian Wright, Danny Murphy and a whole studio full of commentators and presenters up and down the land are reported to be 'f^$%&g furious' today that so called martyr of football, Saint Gary Lineker has caved in so quickly and agreed to be back presenting Match of the Day on Saturday. Talking exclusively to the one on line blog that won't be referred to VAR, a visibly incandescent with rage Alan Shearer explained, "Why eye man we all thought that our Gary wu 'ave a bit more stamina than that te be 'onest. I were lookin' until at least the end of the month. If fact me and the missis have booked a two week holiday in Qatar," "Well when I say booked," he continued, "I don't mean paid for myself cause its a freebie like given as a thank you for all the promotion I did for the country during the World Cup. Now instead of guzzling in the Gulf, I'll be freezing my bolocks off at a wet and windy Emirates stadium." Fe...

Grace Under Pressure is encouraging all of its five readers to tune to today's very hastily recorded episode of The Repair Shop in which Jay Blades and his team meet a very traumatised guest. In a special 90 minute edition of the show viewers will be able to get a grandstand view when director General Tim Davie presents the Repar Shop team with its most difficult challenge to date as they try to restore the reputation of the BBC. In a trailer for the show Tim Davie tries to explain how the BBC came to be in such a sorry state as he describes other occasions when parts of it had deviated from the accepted norms, only for those events to be totally disregarded by the powers that be. Then last week, one of its major components stated to malfunction and when attempts where made to silence it and effectively remove this infected part from the overall machine, other less significant parts also began to stop behaving as expected. The end result was the reputation of the BBC went into tota...

Well you can't blame the BBC for not trying to find a novel solution to fill the gap left by its entire presentation, puditry and commentary teams walking out yesterday in solidary with the moral and ethical voice of the world, St Gary of the Crisp. But Grace Under Pressur really does wonder if using Ceefax to follow the cut and thrust of yesterday's Premier League action was really the right option. Current director of the BBC (but for how much longer) Tim Davie was the man charged with taking the BBC into the mid 21st century, but now it seems he has taken us all back to the glory days of the 1970's. Still at least the supporters of Everton were not disadvantaged by this reduction in technology as the speed of update of the Ceefax captions was still much quicker than their teams attacking play. Viewers watching the days highlights on Match of the Day were left equally disappointed as the commentary was provided via Rose Ayling Ellis using British Sign Language. One view...

With Gary Lineker having received a yellow card from the BBC and being forced to watch Match of the Day from the stands, a move that has seen his co presenters and pundist decide to take their ball home and refuse to use their jumpers as goalposts, the search is on for new people to front the nation's favourite football program. Having been benched for his use of free speech which was deemed unacceptable by the BBC, Grace Under Pressure can reveal that the top candidates to fill the comfy armchairs in the MOTD studio are Les '30 p' Andreson, Katie Hopkins, the nation's favourite xenophobe Nigel Farage and no doubt a token black women just to appear to achieve a fair playing field. Director of the BBC, Tim Davie, explained "the fact that all four of those people know absolutely nothing about fotball should not lower the level of insight on MOTD given that they will be replacing Danny Murphy, Jermaine 'One Show' and Alex Scott. We have come to realise that pe...

 

Treasure hunters up and down the land have been advised to forget digging up Victorian bottles in alllotments in search of a fortune and instead to head to London where snow appears to be of significantly higher value and interest than in the rest of the country. After 4 flakes were reported to have fallen in St John's Wood yesterday afternoon, an emergency Cobra meeting was called to decide how to put the capital on a state of emergency, an event that neccesitated 20 minute coverage on the national news at both 6, 6.30 and 10pm Meteorologist Iso Barr spoke in an exlusive with Grace Under Pressure's thermatically challenged typist and revealed, "Yes London snow and its close neighbour South West snow is much more important than snow which has paralysed other large parts of the country. I mean whats 100 schools closed in Wales compared to the possible cancellation of the Kensignton WI meeting?" Iso Barr continued “To the ordinary man and women in the street London sn...

Home Secretary Cruella Braverman today released a press statement exclusively to the only only blog guaranted of telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, when she announced that here in the UK International Women's Day would in future be rebranded British Women's Day. Braverman who singly handedly tried to arrest and deport three people who were simply operating a pedalo around a boating lake in Portsmouth yesterday, described this measure as the only way that Britain could stops itself from being very, very, very full of foreigners. Speaking exclusively in an often difficult to believe interview Cruella Braveman explained her position, "We want to celebrate all the things that British women do best such as like jam-making, keeping the house neat and tidy,  knitting, posing naked for canendars, doing the shopping. That sort of thing. Unless of course they are British women of Indian heritage who came here legally and then they could be doctors, lawyers...

On October 20, 1977, a Convair CV-240 passenger aircraft took off Greenville, Carolina bound for Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Still miles from their destination, the plane ran out of fuel and crashed in a wooded area near Gillsburg, Mississippi. On board were the southern rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd at the start of a US tour to coincide with the release of their 'Street Survivor' album, one which would have catapulted the band to super stardom.  Attempting a crash laning in a field some 10 miles short of the nearest runway, the plane splintered into pieces upon striking a tree resulting in lead singer Ronnie Van Zant, new guitarist Steve Gaines, backup singer Cassie Gaines (Steve's older sister), assistant road manager Dean Kilpatrick, pilot Walter McCreary, and co-pilot John Gray being killed on impact. For the band members that survived the crash life would never be the same and would continue to be filled with tragedy. Allen Collins, another of the bands three lead guitarist...

You know when they take a really good TV and try to upsize it by turning it into a movie that just ends up being less than half as good as the original series. Think The Inbetweeners, think Bad Education, think The Dukes of Hazzard, think Sex in the City (but only if you really have too).  Well with the release next week of the cinematic version of Luther, the deliciously dark decective series starring Idris Elba, Grace Under Pressure couldn't help wondering with great trepidation just what other shows might TV bosses be thinking deserve an upgrade to the IMAX screen Imagine The Repair Shop rebranded to resemble the Marvel Multiverse. Settle back to watch the assembled avengers of Jay, Will, Susie and Amanda battle their arch villans, Woodworm, Frayed Fabric and Rust. At over 140 minutes long and filmed in 3D an extended Repair Shop will allow plenty of scope for sob stories from individuals too tight to pay for the restoration themselves but canny enough to flog the repair item on...

The news that the author of the PartyGate report, Sue Gray is about to leave her role in the Civil Service to take up a role as the Labour Party's chief of staff has been met with cries of outrage from the true blue Tory Faithful. Outraged of Tunbridge Wells has already written to the Daily Mail, both in print and on line several times, to cast doubt on her impatiality whilst compiling the report that simply confirmed what the rest of the UK already knew ie Boris Johnson is a complete cockwomble. "It's blatently obvious," spluttered Outraged of Tunbridge Wells, almost spilling his glass of Bolly in the process, "that Sue Gray is a communist sympathiser who is only now showing her true colours. I mean for heaven's sake if Boris says he wasn't at any of those parties, where there are multpiple photographs showing he was present at those parties, then he simply wasn't present at those parties. That's the end of the matter. This newly flushed out Labo...

A combination of weather, a busy routine and a general feeling of apathy has meant that for the past two weeks my level of running activity has been zero. The best laid plans of mice and men to either get out and run with one of the various groups in my local area or simply to head out on my own have been defeated even before any part of my body has come into close contact with a pair of lycra leggings. Well not for running anyway...lol So today I finally summoned up the enthusiasm to get out for a little jog, a little loop to be precise from TOM's down over the fields to Tansley and then the long downhill return back into Matlock. Just enough to get the legs turning over, the lungs ready to burst and the calves and quads screaming. In three weeks time I have entered the Chicken Run over in Hayfield, a race I did a year ago. so as always the aim will be not to be too much slower that my previous attempt, which I do recall was a bit of a 'mare' and hopefuly to be just that l...

Last night TOM and I had a jolly down to the theatre in Derby to see the intrigingly titled Charlie and Stan, a play about the relationship between Charlie Chaplin and Stan Laurel.  Now if like me you were not aware of a relationship between Chaplin and Laurel, the premise of the show might come as a surprise but it turns out that Stan Laurel was Charlie Chaplin's understudy for two years as part of Fred Kaino's touring vaudeville troupe.  They also travelled across to the USA together in 1910, sharing a cabin for the journey, and then toured together in the USA for two years. This trans atlantic seas crossing was the main focus of this 90 min production interspersed with several flashbacks to their lives before meeting and some flash forwards including how Laurel met his long time comedy parner Oliver 'Babe' Hardy.. With just 4 actors on stage, one of whom played the piano score that accompanied the show it was in essence watching a silent movie being played out live o...

 In this weeks Little Brother Celebrity Evction special...It's Prince Harry Woman dating footballer unsure if he's a keeper yet There's some Russians on the pitch. They think its Moldova. It is now. Lettuce shortage making it increasigly difficult to measure PM longevity. Have Matt Hancock's What's app meassages about health risks in care homes been doctored? Boy in tent now intent about sleeping in bed afer intense fun faded. Radio 2 DJ unable to tell his Aha's from his Elbows. Roald Dahl characters edited out of World Book Day  

A 70 year old man from Pontefract, Yorkshire is today reported to be almost as incandescent as the night sky after the BBC's Tomas Schaffenaker revealed that most parts of the UK would be in for a celstial lightshow over the next few evenings.  Bob Tanner, who is well known in his local area for having long pockets but very short arms, broke the habit of a lifetime only last month on a once in a lifetime trip north of the Arctic circle in order to see the world famous Northern lights. Now according to the BBC's weather watch he could just as well have stayed at home and watched it from his garden. Booked to coincide with his long delayed retirement from a job at the local Whippet breeding sanctary, Bob had been putting a litte bit aside ever since he first caught sight of the Aureala Borialis on some program featuring Brian Cox back in the early 2000's. Adding the trip to his bucket list of things to do before he himself kicked the bucket, Bob had been going without many of...