Grace Under Pressure 2

  This is my ear worm of the moment. A beautifully stripped back and mellow version of what was originally a searingly caustic track from Roger Waters' 1992 CD 'Amused to Death. I loved the original version and I like this one even more, one that Roger recorded during lockdown. And the extended live version from his current 'This Is Not a Drill' tour is even better. Enjoy.      

With the releases of a tweet comfirming that a total  t$%t has bought Twitter, Former President Trump is limbering up the fingers on his very small hands in preperation for the biggliest ever return to the on line platoform which has been denided access to his world of 3am unfiltered thoughts all written in CAPITAL LETTERS and fuelled by fast food and Fox News. Mr Musk confirmed that there will be no immediate change to Twitters policy which will allow Katie Hopkins plenty of time to collate together all the random scribbling of hate and abuse she has been unable to send since being permenantly banned from the site in June 2022. The vast majority of minority groups are expected to be in Ms Hopkins firing line espcially since the world has become increasingly woke in the past year or so. Whether or not what Ms Hopkins says is true is irrelevant so long as Ms Hopkin's genuinely believe it to be true. After all that's what the Musk era of Twitter defines free speech to be, irr...

With the publicity-shy Prince Harry once again looking to avoid the limelight by releasing a tell-all book, high street stores and booksellers are reported to be disappointed that this magnum opus is not going to be released in time for Christmas as it would ensure they had something for their bargain bins in the January sales. At 410 pages it is quite a weight tome and potential buyers are advised to have an extra large packet of crayons hands if they hope to colour in all the pictures in one go.  Grace Under Pressure manages to get a sneak prieview of the book in which Harry describes himself as having worn many hats during his life, although surprisingly not the one of a Nazi stormtrooper he thought it appropriate to wear to a fancy dress party in 2005. One chapter is also devoted to the near fatal accident in 2020 when Harry almost drowned...in his tears of self pity. At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure can only conclude that that book has been called 'Spare...

The world of chess has been  thrown into turmoil for the second tiem in less than a couple of months. First up (alledgedly) was the accusation by Magnus Carlson that rival Hans Niemman had inserted electronically controlled vibrating beads up his a%$e in order to be prompted which move to make.  Now the world of chess is faced with perhaps an even greater threat to the very ethos of the game of strategy after the revelation that a Rook has self identified as a Queen. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own reporter with a chequered past, the rogue Rook revealed, "I've always known I was different from an early age but felt I had to conform. It was peer pressure. But I felt trapped, check mated you might say. Restricted by the confines of the game. I wasn't the real me, always forced to act straight, when I want to be free to move however I wanted to move." "For years pawns have had the right to express gender fluidity once they crossed over to the other s...

In a move that will surprise no parent with not enough cash to splash to whisk the family off to the Caribbean for two weeks of sun, sea and sand, 40 yrs old Terry Tunstall of Hucknall is demanding that his local education authority reduce the  Autumn half term holiday to a single week and possibly even to a single afternoon. Having run out of all his own ideas to occupy 2 year old Harvey, 5 year old Dylan and his big sister 8 year old Felicity after only three hours of the first day of half term, Terry is now convinced that he has exhausted all the world wide web has to offer and there are still several days of torment to go. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure a visible frazzled Terry explained, "I don't know what the people in charge of education are thinking giving them two whole weeks out of school. It's just crazy. So far I've discovered that my children, can't paint, sing or dance in time, hate nature, dislike vegan falafals, loathe pumpkin picking, detest tre...

First it was the nurses, then the post office workers. Train drivers then got on board, followed by workers at universities and now it is the turn of the no 10 lectern to demand a pay raise following an enforced change to its working practices.  Speaking in an exclusive to Grace Under Pressure from Downing Street, the no 10 lectern revealed, "Look when I signed up for this job it was on the understanding that it would be for half a dozen times during the year maximum. You know really big moments like the death of a Queen or the announcement of the new I'm a Celebrity Get Me Outta Here line up." "But this past few months has got ridiculous. No sooner have I been taken back inside than I am expected to go out in front of the cameras again. In all sort of weather. You try standing out in the pouring rain for an hour trying to look your best and see how you like it. It just goes against the grain. No it's time to get the unions involved." "Demanding a pay r...

In an unexpected twist, the latest regenaration of 'The Prime Minister' a long running British soap opera left viewers gobsmacked yesterday when at the climax of her brief but unforgetable appearance that will long live in the memory, current incumbant Liz Truss was seen to transform into Rishi Sunak.  Many had speculated that the new PM would see the spectacular return of fan favourite Boris Johnson, after he succesfully travelled back across several time zones from Planet Dominica Republica. Sadly in an unexpected plot twist, it turned out the number of people willing to publically support his return only included Jacob Rees Mogg and Nadine Dorris, two people you would not wished to get trapped in a police box with, never mind a spacious Tardis. The appointment of Rish Sunak as the 57th regeneration of The Prime Minister has certainly added more diversity to the long line of mainly white men who have occupied the role in previous incarnations. Inside sources reveal that R...

In a move that economists are predicting might well reverse the entire devastation caused by Trussonomics, the sales of two types of paper are set to soar with news that Boris Johnson might well, God forbid, return to no 10. With Liz Truss not even finding time to pin her Athena posters up her bedroom, should Bojo and Carrie return to Downing Street, it is almost certain that the £800 a role Lulu Lyte wallpaper than was used to decorate 'Chez Johnson' last time around, will need to be replaced. All at the tax payers expense. Reported by his BBF Jacob Reese Mogg to be feeling 'ready to rumble' following his three month holiday since being booted out office, the sales of man size Kleenex tissue paper has also soared, with the same people who ejected him now ejecting something very different as a result of the wet dreams they are having about his possible return. At the time of going Grace Under Pressure is unable to confirm that My Johnson has already enquired about wheth...

    It couldn't possibly get any worse. It just did. Let's hope it's Rishi to the rescue or better still a general election.

 

Daily Mail readers up and down the land are reeling from the disappointment today that an all night prayer vigil to implore Meghan Markle to just do something to distract the focus of the UK media away from a government and a Prime Minister that is imploding quicker than a black hole did not work.  Rabid Daily Mail reader, Ivan Opinion revealed, "Oh we had such hight hopes that Meghan could be our saviour. It could be anything, a podcast, a disparaging comment about the Queen, another fued with her own family, announcing a new baby, anything as long as it makes people forget just for a moment what a complete cockwomble was claiming to be in charge of the country." "I've never really liked Meghan if I am honest but I really thought she could be the saviour of this government. If only she could have done another interview with Oprah or Gail King, rush the publication of Harry's book or simply make another vacuous comment about wellbeing and solidarity with Peruvian...

No not the length of time Liz Truss will remain as PM but rather the name of the play I went to see on my latest jolly out to the Playhouse theatre last night. Nine Night is an award winning play by Natasha Gordon that focus on the gathering of a multi generational extended Jamaican family following the passing of the family matriach, Gloria, a gathering lasting for 'nine night'. It was certainly a play that attracted a large number of the West Indian Community with over half of the audience being from that ethnic background on what was the plays opening night. Featuring a wide range of family members from the eccentric religious aunty, the dancing uncle, the sister who felt she had been left with the burdon of looking ater her mum, the sister who felt that her Mum had abandoned her back in Jamaica to find a better life in the UK and the mixed race couple dealing with financial issues and an unexpected pregnancy, it was a melting pot of emotions The play raised all sots of iss...

Whilst it is true that many politicians have earned a considerable amount of money on the after dinner speaker circuit, after they have retired, left or been sacked from their posts, the same cannot be said for poor Kwazi Kwartang.  And within this lucrative world it is sometimes those who have suffered the largest fall from grace who have ended up with the most cash stuffed inside a brown envelope for offering an insiders view of their decades, sorry years, I mean months, oh alright days in power. But for Kwazi Kwartang it appears life on the after dinner circuit might not be the cash cow he had hoped for after pricing himself out of the market with his last 30 min speaking appointment costing an estimated £60 billion pound.  Thankfully for poor Kwazi he has been able to fall back on his regular weekend job as a look a likey at church fates for the Halifax's very own Howard Brown, who probably offered better financial advice than poor old Kwazi ever did.      ...

It is with a heavy heart that Grace Under Pressure has to announce the death of Trussonomics which passed away very peacefully yesterday.  Trussonomic, also known as 'the fiscal event' and 'the budget that wasn't a budget' breathed its last at just after 11.30am in Central London, after a short life that lasted only 24 days It is not sure whether its mother Liz was present at the moment Trussonomics was officially declared dead but its step father Kwazi is generally thought to have been absent, having been relieved of parenting duties last week. People on the street were shocked to hear the news. One Daily Mail reader, lamented, "Oh it was such a lively little thing wasn't it. Coming into the world kicking and screaming and causing the pound to crash almost instantly. Sadly Trussonomics proved too pure for this cruel world and with the Bank of England and the rest of the world money experts acting as if they were Lucy Letby let loose in an ICU, well it neve...

  Dear Conservative Party member, Did you seriously think that this person was the best option for who should lead the country? The only thing she has achieved after less than 5 week she is actually making Boris look competent!!!      

Off the treadmill of preaching every Sunday Morning and out into the hills. The rolling, undulating and beautiful hills around Alstonefield in Derbyshire to be precise, in the area of the Peak District known as the 'White Peaks'.  I was here to run a race that had been postponed and moved on numerous occasions since 2020 due to the pandemic but which finally took place today on the most glorious October morning.  Organised by Dark and White trail runners it was a just over 9 mile saunter through an area that I hadn't run in before and I have to admit that 2/3rds of it were probably the most picturesque I have done in a long time.  The other thing I like about the Dark and White events is that they have rolling rather than mass starts with small groups of runners setting off at 10 min intervals. This meant that by picking one of the early slots, even at my pedestrian pace I would still have people to run with as the later (and faster) runners caught me up. Which they did. ...

With Chistmas items flooding our supermarkets, charity shops and high street stores, Grace Under Pressure is today able to join in with the festive spirit by announcing there are now just two more Chancellors until Christmas. With the sacking of Kwasi Kwarteng after just 38 days in the job, Christmas countdowners have found themselves giddy with excitement at the prospect of being only two chancellors away from the big day. 36 year old Mollie Stanage spoke to Grace Under Pressure and revealved “I have always told my 4 year old daughter Maisie that if we are three chancellors away from Christmas than its absolutly ages yet but now with only two more to go before Christmas is actually here well I can almost taste the turkey and mince pies. She’ll probably not sleep tonight with the excitement!” Not everyone is as excited thought with the Conservative governemt in the firing line from environmental activists yesterday after haphazardly disopsing of yet another single use Cha...

The sponsored silence over at the offices of the Liberal Democrat party enters its 7th month.

In breaking news Grace Under Pressure can reveal that Jay Blades and his team of restoration experts are set to face their biggest challenge to date when King Charles enters the Repair Shop hoping that the collective gathering of experts are able to do something to mend and restore the broken relationship with his youngest son. This once highly prized family treasure has over the past few years fallen into a state of disrepair. What started as a single invisible weakness in the fabric of the relationship soon spread to reveal fractures in several places following the marriage of his son and a midnight flit to Canada and now LA. Now living in the epoch that is known as 'post Oprah', the relationship has literally fallen into pieces. Outside sources suggest that the job has perhaps been made worse by the King's somewhat clumsy attempts at a DIY repair job somewhat akin to attempting to piece back together a priceless Faberge egg with Gorilla glue and cellotape. Speaking to Gr...

This is simply magnificent. My ear worm of the moment, it has been on repeat play every since I heard it on Radio 2 a couple of days ago. And why is it magificent I hear you ask...oh all sorts of reasons.   A swaggering guitar hook. Beautifully poigniant, raw, honest and heartfelt lyrics that just resonate with what a relationship can entail. A soaring sing a long chorus . It just gets better and better as the song progresses. And just when you think it is about to fade out...it doesn't.  All of those things combine so that I just keep playing it over and over and over again.Very loud. There might even have been some shapes thrown!!! So why not follow my lead. Put your cuppa down, put your headphones on, turn it up loud and just soar. This is Suede and 'The only way I can love you'  I'm not the kind of person who never feels uncertain. So many ways to do what I do wrong. My love has many faces, secret, vicious places. And all of them are there for you   A...

Having just failed to win employee of the month, pipped at the post by Lis Truss' stellar start to her premiership, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Kwazi Kwartang is reported to be bitterly disappointed to discover that he has also been overlooked for this years Nobel Prize for Economics. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure Mr Kwartang lamented, "It's just like that scene in The Life of Brian, when someone asked what have the Romans ever done for us? I could ask the same about Ben Bernanke, Douglas Diamond and Philip Dybvig, joint winners of this year Nobel prize. What have they contributed to the field of economics during their careers that is more memorable and affected more lives than what I managed to do in a single day? In 20 years time who will remember their names but noone is going to forget the Kwazikami!!!" At the time of going to press Grace under Presure is unable to confirm why for the man whose inability with figures caused such division, this decision just ...

Spanish gay fashion icon Tyker Casilass, who flounced and minced up and down the runways and catwalks of Madrid for the best part of 16 years, was in the spotlight once more yesterday after posting a text to his 10 million followers in which he revealed that he was coming out of the closet as a footballer. Casilass, who made 725 appearances during a 16-year career at Madrid, winning multiple gittering titles and numerous shiny trophies as he strutted like a proud peacock, quickly deleted the text claiming that his account had been hacked. The tweet in Spanish which said "I hope you respect me: I'm a closet footballer," was live for just over an hour, long enough for his former Spain play mate Parlos Cuyol to also drop his defence to confirm the story by replying: "It's time to tell our story." Tyker Casilass later offered an apology to the footballing community in which he expressed his awareness of the difficult lives many people who publicly identify the...

  In breaking news Grace Under Pressure can reveal the virtually true story that should anything in your life not reach its full potential almost immeadiately then blame should be attributed to a mysterious congolmeration of anyone who basically disagrees with Liz Truss called the AGC or Anti Growth Coalition.  Truss, who within her first month in office has really set her stall out to prove that Boris Johnson isn't the worst Prime Minister that this country has ever had, claims that this shadowy amalgamation of opposition parties, trade unions, the BBC, train drivers, environmental activists, nurses, Meghan & Harry, the cast of Geordie Shaw and Jamie Oliver, is led by a masked avenger known only as SKS. In her defence, Ms Truss has a proven track record of increasing growth especially in life changing pork markets and hopefully looking forward to the future in the size of pies everyone is able to enjoy. But should her policies fail to bring about immediate noticable growt...

In a moment of reflection 38 year old Terry Schofield has been remembering his fateful trip to IKEA back in 2019 when in a monent of weakness he thought buying a bag of 1000 tealights for £10 was a real bargain. This is only to still have 990 left untouched almost three years later, after the planned romantic bath with his lover resulted in the arrival of three fire engines outside his house.  Well today Terry's moment of prophetic purchasing finally became a fully fledged revelation as he has realised that now he can look forward to having at least some light and heat during the predicted 3 hour power cuts we can expect later this winter. No longer to be thought of as reckless retail blunder, that large plastic bag of waxy wastefullness that Terry stored and has been gathering dust at the back of the cupboard in the spare room will now be his illumination salvation. At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure can confirm that the proposed 'black out' policy should n...

Today the boxing world is in a state of shock after the news that traces of the female fertility drug Clomifene had been found in Conor Benn's system. As a result, his final face to face with challenger Chris Eubank Jr took on a slightly different feel late yesterday evening especially after Benn removed his shirt for the much anticipated weigh in. At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure predicts unlike the fights their respective fathers engaged in back in the 1980's which were total slug fests, this one will be handbags at close quarters with the vacant IVF title at stake.  

  Worried about your other half and children burning through your entire winter energy cap before October is out? Concerned that your next energy bill will match the gross GDP of a developing country? Anxious about convincing your 15 yr old daughter isn't isn't normal to wear just shorts and a T shirt inside the house all year round? Then worry no more.  Simply buy a fake thermostat that simply shows an ambient indoor temperature that fluctates between 21 and 24 degrees irrespective of whether you can see your breath every time you breathe out or not. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own climatically conscious coreespondent, 42 year old Hucknall resident  Cel Cius, explained his great new idea. "I've given up trying to convince my family that 18 degrees is a perfectly liveable indoor temperature for people who actually dress appropriatly, but its fallen on deaf ears."  "They claim that if the temperature isn't a double digit number starting wit...

 Worried that the first month in your new job has not gone quite as well as you might have expected? Concerned that the promised honeymoon period is well and truly over? Anxious that despite people thinking it was just a slip of the tongue at your interview, you really have 'hit the road'? Then take Grace Under Pressure's handy dandy test to see if your first month in post is better or worse than Liz Truss'. Did you make a good first impression? Have you made lots of new friends? Did the death of a major public figure actually move help your new start? Have you slotted in as a team player? Were your ideas been warmly welcomed? Could you demonsrated your unique skilset to its fullest? Has someone given you an office nickname already? Have you had a disgreement with anyone you work with? Did you need to say you are sorry but without actually managing to say the word? There you see, your first month in your new job hasn't been as bad as you thought has it, compared to ...

As if unable to shake off some inexplicable urge to queue, insiders within the corridors of power are reporting that the one currently forming outside Sir Graham Brady's office is reaching proportions that are so large Phil and Holly are considering jumping to the front of it just because they can Sir Graham is chair of the 1922 committee, a powerful gathering of backbench Conservative MPs whose considerable influence within the Parliamentary Party includes the power to call for a vote of confidence in its leader. Grace Under Pressure understands that since a Kwasikami mini budget and an appearance on Laura Kuennsberg's show where she did an impression of a rabbit paralysed by the headlights of an on rushing car, many amongst the Conservative ranks have lost 'complete truss' in both their prime minister and her main money man.  What started as a single individual loitering with the intent of delivering a letter of no confidence, soon grew into a triplet of troubled Tor...

Sing along to the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious  Kwasi-Kwarteng's-Fiscal-Plan is really quite atrociuous tax cuts for the uber rich  well it just make me nauseus Perhaps we'll have to change our minds just so we don't lose voters Kwasi-Kwarteng's-Fiscal-Plan is really quite atrociuous   Because I was no good at sums at university I really was quite shocked when Liz Gave the chancellor's job to me I still don't know the difference between divide and multiply But if we want to win next time Tax cannot be this high    Kwasi-Kwarteng's-Fiscal-Plan is really quite atrociuous tax cuts for the uber rich  well it just make me nauseus Perhaps we'll have to change our minds just so we don't lose voters Kwasi-Kwarteng's-Fiscal-Plan is really quite atrociuous

  Yesterday was the day of the Curbar Commotion fell race, an almost 10 mile jolly along the tracks and trails above Cliff College. And it's the 'above Cliff College' bit that it's important to remember when reading this.  Considering the amount of rain that had fallen on Friday with the windows at TOM's being lashed with a mix of wind, water and conkers it was a delight to have an almost perfect day with clear skies and a gentle breeze to run in. More of that breeze later. Positioning myself towards the front half of the assembled runners wasn't going to do me any favours but just like those runners who try to get to the front of the crowd for the London marathon today just to get on the TV, I thought I'd also have my moment of glory. Not that it did me any good because as soon as we hit that first steep section right at the start of the race, it was almost as if my slow motion button had been pressed, allowing for one, then two, the five, then fifty ru...

Being double digits ahead might seems to many to be an unassilable lead, one that suggests that surely the big prize is surely in the bag. Not if your aim in life is to do a Kevin Keegan.  Remember the glory days of 1996 when with what seemd like an uncatchable lead of 12 points in the Premier League and a glaring open goal infront of them, the black and whites managed to balloon the ball not just wide of the goal, not just out of St James' park but all the way over the river Tyne and hand the title to Manchester United. Now following the stunning start to Liz Truss' premiership as the Kwartastrophe of a budget has seen morgage rates rocket and the value of the pound in your pocker shrink to tuppence hapenny, further increasing Labour's lead in every single opinion poll, it appears thats Labour are a shoo-in at the next election, doesn’t it?  Well, it would be except for good old cardboard Keir, the man who had more personality during the pandemic when he couldn't be s...