Grace Under Pressure 2

Hundreds of thousands of people who have only ever set foot inside a church for the funeral of a distant elderly relative, and only then on the promise of a great buffett, have today all united to declare that off course the United Kingdon is a Christian country. 58 year old Evan Jellical from Hucknall declared, "I would almost certainly maybe definitly go to church were it not for my Sunday league football, Harvester brunch, Tesco shopping trip and the Strictly Come Dancing results show. Being able to self identify myself as a Christian even though I don't really know what one is and have certainly never act like one is a really important concept like Sam Smith being able to identifies himself as a them / they / those/ some" "With the 2021 census revealing that less than 50% of the UK now identifying itself as Christian, it is vital that all of us non church going, non believing Christians go on a keyboard crusader and waste no time in firing off texts, e mails and ...

Whilst many people were under the misunderstanding that  last nights game between Eng-er-land and Wales was just about football bragging rights, Grace Under Pressure can reveal that a much bigger issue was at stake. What to call the biggest mountain in Wales?  Speaking in an exclusive interview from Qatar, Eng-er-land boss Gareth Southgate revealed, "all the players were over the moon with the idea, it really helped put a bit of bite into our training sessions this week. Everyone was keen to be part of history and to keep the name as it should be. All this nonsense of wanting to change the name of Snowden to Yr Wyddf a goggoggog or something like that. That's almost as ridiculous as me playing Phil Foden. We wanted it to be official so we cleared it with the Home Office who basically said they really couldn't give a f%$k about Wales, so just go for it." At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure can confirm that it did alert paramedics after attempting to cal...

In a statement released in an attempt to quell the flames that have engulfed the London Fire Brigade, chief officer Captain Bern Zezally, has catagorically denied allegations made against his department. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, Captain Burn Zezally stated shame that after an extesive investigation by the HR department of the London Fire Brigade I can reveal that our employment records show that the alledged perpetrators of such vile abuse, Miss Ogeny,  Ray Cisim, Homoph Obia and Bull Ying have never and will never been part of the work force. " At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure can only predict that this situation is only going to continue to smoulder for several months yet and that suspects that despite the attempts to dose the flames there is no smoke without fire.

In an unexpected side effect of Black Friday Rudolph the red nosed reindeer has been returned to sender after Santa picked up a couple of bargains in the on line sale. Speaking exclusively to Grace Under Pressure Santa revealed, "I hadnt really gone online with anything specific in mind, You know perhaps some smellies for Mrs Claus but I was simply unable to resist picking up a 2022-3 Sat Nav with world maps included from a well know on line store."  "And then the site revealed that people who had bought the same sat nav as me had also bought a whole range of other items. And I know Rudoplph's red nose has managed to guide my sleigh quite adequately for the past few years but I' have been thinking about upgrading to be honest in a bid to stay eco friendly. So when I ventured down the rabbit hole of additional purchases I just had to have a rechargable superbright, 100,00O lumens headlight with build in fog facilities. " "I tried to break the news to Rud...

Man diagnosed with Qataracts after watching too many World Cup matches Suspect who took herb from police canteen only to then throw it away has been charged with wasting police thyme Firefighters about to be fired. Eng-er-land football team returns to expected form Dubai airport demonstrats pilot of how new UK visa scheme will work  Scottish school children tell teachers 'It's your time your wasting' Qatari World Cup coverage to be just black and white  Is LGBTQI plus just Harry Maguire trying to remember the alphabet?

Remember back in the summer when the nation became embroiled in Queuegate after Good Morning presenters Phil Willoughby and Holly Schofield decided that they didnt need to wait for upto 12 hours with everyone else to get a view of the Queen lying in state but would just simply use the press passes to bypass the waiting lines.  The result an outraged nation indulging in mass virtue signalling and demanding their heads on spikes outside the Palace gates. I mean who in their right mind would have the barefaced cheek to jump a queue, especially let's say for example the queue all patiently waiting in line to negotiate the first style on the Baslow Bolt race earlier this morning. Imagine the shame to be booed by fellow runners for the flagrant breach of trail running etiquette. And yes that includes you Elizabeth!! Right having got that off my chest, and I haven't even mentioned all the runners who stood on the start line without a shred of the recommended kit requested by the race ...

Scientists who study 'the beautiful game' are today wondering if repeated heading of the football during his career with Manchester United appears to have left Gary Neville showing signs of early onset confusion judging by his antics at the World Cup.  Whilst members of the Eng-er-land team have continued to oppose racial injustice by taking the knee, Gary Neville has continued to protest in his own way by continuing to 'take the fee'. The fee from the Qatar state broadcaster beIN Sports for whom Neville is commentating during the showpiece event as well as popping up on ITV to just rake in a few more Qatari riyals. Off course we musn't forget that Gary Neville is not alone in his confusion which meant he thought that in the days of super fast communications he actually needed to be in nice warm, sunny and possibly duty free Qatar for three whole staying at  7 star luxury hotel owned by Shiek Yer Wallet in order to report on the political situation there with a litt...

  First it was flags, then multicoloured arm bands before finally declaring floppy hats to not be welcome in the desert kingdom. Now in a bizaare act of overkill the Qatari government has gone and banned a meteorological phenomenon caused by reflection, refraction and dispersion of light in water droplets that result in a spectrum of light, that normally takes the form of a multicoloured circular arc from appearing in the sky.  Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, BBC weather wonder, Tomasz Schafernaker, condemned the action saying, "It's just 100% overkill. The climatic conditions in Qatar mean the liklihood of such a climatic coalition happening is virtually zero but I guess this just sums up the regime. And I don't expect FIFA's reaction to be very helpful either." But just when the world thought things couldn't get any worse, not content with banning Judy Garland's most famous song from The Wizard of OZ,  lepreachauns with buckets of gold, Pink Floyd...

On Saturday I had my second night out on the trot with a trip to the Playhouse through a last minute purhase to see Chris McCausland, the comedian who has been a regular panelist on Would I Lie To You, Have I Got News For You and other TV panel shows in the past couple of years.  Chris is as some of you will know visually impaired, having lost his sight through a degenerative eye condition, something that producers of said TV shows seem to forget when introducing the 'picture round' or anything that requires him to view a video clip. But I guess that is the least of his problems. It was a beautiful show full of laugh out loud moments that really tickled the multi generational audience, proving that the nonsense of life provides a rich well of humour. This was mixed together with stories of real pathos about his life and roles as a husband and dad are affected by his disability.  But even these were infused with a wicked sense of humour as he revealved that he would love to s...

With the last minute announcement by the Qatar government that alcohol would not be served at its stadiums during the world cup, Eng-er-land fans have been left distraught at the prospect of having to watch the team play whilst utterly stone cold sober. Yet amazingly Eng-er-land didn't just manage to play alright, they absolutely battered Iran even without fans needing to watch the game through regulation beer goggles. Prior to kick off Eng-er-land manager Garath Southgate expressed his worry that without being totally inebriated by alcohol, fans would finally realise that perpertually 'unlucky Eng-er-land were in fact just crap. Amazingly against a team that couldnt even remember the words to their own national anthem, Eng-er-land won. Like pilgrims returing from Lourdes with bottles of Holy water convinced it will bring about a miracle cure in Auntie Betties arthritis riddled knees, at the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure cannot confirm that Qatar water will be av...

Normally people set themselves the aim of losing a certain number of pounds within a particular time span. Not for this reasonably rotund runner. No, the challenge for me is to see if I can get anywhere close to my personal best time for the Bestwood Village park run before the end of the year. At the moment I am roughly 3 minutes (and a lifetime) away from the fastest I have ever run round the 5km course. Indeed at the moment I am struggling to comprehend how I ever managed to run as fast as I did, and let me say at the outset, it was not what anyone else would even attempt to describe as fast.  With my Garmin watch I can keep a track as to whether I am on pace or perhaps its most appropriate to say how quickly I fall off the pace. Maybe there have been some subtle but significant geological upheavals that have made the hills steeper and the kilometers longer, or maybe its the effects not of Covid but of the male menapause that have made me more sloth like. But that is the challen...

The album Angel in Real Time has been one of my most played discs of the past 12 months. Anthemic, melodic, uplifting and yet all based in the death of the father of lead singer David Le'aupepe, it is a glorious listen. So imagine my excitement when I discovered that they, they being Australian group Gang of Youths, were playing at Rock City here in Nottingaham. A visit to TOM's suddenly slipped down the list of priorities but please don't tell him that...lol With a fabulous record to promote, a superb slinky swivel hipped frontman in Le'aupepe with his wonderful ecclectic stage presence and a voice to die for, it promised to be a great night out. It turned out to be an alright night out. Managing to get a reasonable view from the upstairs balcony, the band came on stage with Le'aupepe quickly announcing 'my knee is f^%$£d, my voice is f^%$£d and the tour ends tomorrow' before launching into two songs I didnt recognise and literally couldn't hear a singl...

Tentative agreements on climate change and keeping the rising global temperatures below 1.5 degrees that have been bashed out between world leaders at the COP27 summit taking place in Egypt have been thrown into disaray by the actions of Barry and Sheila Smithereen from Nuthall after they switched on their Christmas lights.  Despite both of the world's biggest contributors to global emmissions, India and China, having signed on the dotted line, the single solitary actions of a couple attempting to cover every inch of their house in fairy lights has rendered this dramatic step useless. Thought to use more wattage that the strip in Las Vegas and the Blackpool illuminations combined, the switch on at 17 Acacia Cresent caused a surge in demand that almost brought about the collapse of the National grid. Scientists on the International Space Station had mistakenly thought that the Russia / Ukraine crisis has spread when a sudden flare of light was seen eminating from East Nottingham ...

  No it's not a mistype and I wasn't hoping to be reviewing a new staging of Jeff Wayne's classic War of the Worlds sci fi classic. Rather it is the countdown to what will be the war of the walls to end all wars of the walls. Just who will be the focus of attention for familes up and down the land, will it be in the red corner, the challenger of peopel's festive focus, the World Cup wall chart or will it be in the blue corner, the reigning winder wonderland champion, the Advent calender? In the opening rounds it is expected to be all one way traffic with World Cup wall chart renowned to be a fast starter first out of the blocks and predicted to have100% possession of people attention for at least a week.  This fixed focus might start to wain depending on how well Eng-er-land do in their group games.  Armchair pundits are already warning that World Cup wall chart is normally a summer beast and might not cope well with having to perform out of season. Larry Giniker, who h...

Following extensive scientific studies that have shown that men's football boots do not do women footballers any favours out on the pitch, Grace Under Pressure would like to present its very own contribution to making the beautiful game even more beautiful. Ladies and Gentleman here is the Stillator. Since the popularity of women's football has soared since the Lionesses won the European championships back in the summer, sports scientists have confirmed that women's feet, heels and arches are different to men, much in the same way that according to mysogynist commentator, Werz Metea, a women runs, kicks, tackles, shoots and heads a ball differently to a man. Apparently male footballer's balls are also different but thats a topic for another day. Middle aged former footballer Gizza Pass was quick to empathise with the plight of women footballers having to use kit designed by men for men. In an exclusive interview with Grace Under Pressure Gizza Pass lamented changes with...

In breaking news Grace Under Pressure is the first virtually true on line blog to break with the story that the RSPCA have been rushed onto the set of I'm a Celebrity Get Me Outta here, after a member of the cast claimed he was violated during a bush tucker trial. Speaking to our Austalian based correspondent Barbie Cue, the victim of this reality TV show assault revealed, " I feel like I need to remove my skin just to get clean but I know I'll still feel soiled and abused afterwards. No amount of money or TV exposure was worth the humiliation I am going to have to face when I return home. Imagine if your family and friends saw THAT live on national television. Aaagh it was cold and slimy to the touch almost as if it were dead and those eyes with that 1000 yard stare, it was like it had no soul." "I tried to block it out of my mind and concentrate on the bush tucker trial but wherever I went, it seemed to follow me. And Ant and Dec just laughed and kept shouting ...

Part time premier league footballer and full time sulker Chris Tiano has once again thrown all the toys out of his pram in an explosive interview with Morgan Piers. In an interview that drew a world record audience of 27 for a program on Talk TV, Chris Tiano spat out his dummy even before Morgan Piers could ask his first question. Then over the next hour, although it seemed much, much longer for those unlucky enough to have to listen to the constant winge, Chris Tiano ranted and raved on a wide variety of topics. One time team mate Wayne Rooney was the first to come under fire from the acid tongued Portugal star for committing the henous crime of daring to use his shampoo after an away game at West Ham back in 2007.  Chris Tiano then took aim at the quality of tanning salons in the Prestbury area he claimed which left a lot to be desired and had caused a detrimental effect on his David Dickenson glow before claiming that current manager Erik Ten Hag wasn't able to pamper to his nee...

    Too tight to turn up th thermostat? Too mean to light the fire? Too Scrooge like to put the heating on? Then fear not because today Grace Under Pressure previews 'the house hat', a winter warmer able to be worn indoors, in any room of the house, at any time, for any occasion. Snap one up whilst you can. Only £3 from your nearest charity shop

With thousands of people finding themselves at the back of a virtual queue with over a quarter of a million other people in front of them, all desperate to see the man reported to be one of Bolton's funniest comedians, Grace Under Pressure are wondering just how did Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby managed to scoop tickets no 1&2 for Peter Kay's first comeback gig in Manchester later this year?  Perhaps they had access via the pre pre pre pre pre sale or who knows perhaps they are going to do an article for Good Morning like they were when they managed to get tickets to see the Queen without queueing? Furious Mancunian and part time Simian stroller, Ivan Attitude, revealed "I used up all the data on me mam's tablet trying to get tickets. At one point half the city was trying to get through to Ticketmaster. It was almost as bad as trying to get to see my GP. The government should have a windfall tax on the broadband companies the amount of profit they must hav...

The Eng-er-land football teams hopes of winning the World Cup have been dealt a major blow even before the competition kicks off next week A blow that has nothing to do with the selections of Harry Maguire or Raheem Sterling.  Instead Grace Under Pressure can reveal that many of the manly antics associated with the beautiful game and which grace the Premier League week upon week might well be deemed just a bit too gay for the Quatari hosts. Standing too close to another man at a corner, attempting to remove another mans shirt during a tackle, jumping on top a group of another man to celebrate a goal (fine chance of that), kissing a team mate, winking at member of the opposing team, placing your hand over your 'delicates' as you form a wall for a free kick and taking hot steamy, soapy showers together are all possible alpha male activities that just might be a little bit too gay for the ultra conservative hosts.  At the time of going to press Grace only Pressure can holy hope t...

In an event not seen since the Brexit inspired election of 2019 which saw millions of die hard Labour supporters switch allegience and vote Conservative, this week a similar U turn of political allegance is also about to take place with hundreds of thousadnds of 'Red till I'm dead' comrades about to once again vote for the Tories. Or perhaps one Tory in particular. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, life long labour voter Mille Tant, revealed, "Although I might have to get my husband to scrub me down with a disinfected Brillo pad afterwards, I will be voting for Matt Hancock tonight on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. And tomorrow. And the next day too if is means seeing him wrapping his tongue around a kangeroos anus." "To be honest I'm not really bothered what he does providing it's utterly disgusting and he has very inadequate PPE to protect him just like those nurses had. In fact all the family are gonna vote to keep him in there for as long...

It's one thing to go on run through the woods in the dark on a route that you know or have at least run once before in the daylight. It's quite another to run through the woods in the dark on a route you have never done before and to be honest didn't even know where to meet up with your fellow runners. My only clue was to meet in the car park of the Little John for a 6.20pm start which is probably just as helpful to you as it was to me. Tonight we were down on both runners and dogs compared to last week with only three humans and Syd the whippet. And to be honest the three other humans set off like greyhounds out of the traps, leaving me with not even enough time to start my watch. And as we all know if it hasn't been recorded then did it actually happen? I was, as usual, at the back of the quartet and it's difficult to describe what the run was like for a couple of reasons. Firsty, although it is stating the obvious, it was dark with the moon stubbornly refusing to...

After resigning from his position as an attending minister to the cabinet in order to dispute accusations of bullying and sending abuse texts, Sir Gavin Wiliamson has unwitting sent an e mail to Grace Under Pressure in which he revels his calm and sensitive reaction to his change of employment status. In the e mail Williamson reflects ruminatively, "No one s^%$s on the Gavin, well not unless I pay them too. That b$£^&*d is gonna get well and truly f$£*&d. That c&^k s£$*(& just can't take a bit of office banter. What a w*&^%r! Is she just taking the p%$s with all this b*%%&£$s. A total a%$^&*£e. Just wait till I see that son of a b^%&*" At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure feels that as the minister formerly in charge of Education, Sir Gavin Williamson shows a limited use of vocabulary for which there is no defence. End of term report...Failed (again)   ‍  

For anyone contemplating spending an hour sitting in a virtual queue, refreshing your browser at 5 min intervals in a futile attempt to buy Peter Kay tickets, let Grace Under Pressure offer a handy dandy tip. Save yourself a fortune by simply getting together with your family and friends to enjoy remembering things about the past for yourself. For those of you familiar with Peter Kay's back catalogue, which in itself should prompt nostalgic memories of looking through the actual Kays catalogue back in the 1970's, you will know that he set out on his last award winning tour, which made more money than the GDP of some developing countries, in order to buy his Mum a bunglow. Well apparently she now wants a new carpet. Kay made his cash by simply getting people to remember ordinary everyday things such as turning the big light on, encountering garlic bread, eating foreign food, trolley dashes down Netto, Crackerjack, going on holiday, Bullseye, mis hearing song lyrics, putting the ...

In breaking news that is sure to set the terraces all a twitter, Grace Under Pressure can report that at the time of going to press surgeons at the Manchester Royal Infirmary are battling to save the career of Manchester United's superstar striker after a monumental sulk threatened to paralyse his whole body. Holder of innumerable records for apperances, goals and dives inside the penalty box that would make Tom Daly envious, Cristiano Ronaldo is no stranger to throwing the toys out of his pram when things don't go his own way.  On Saturday afternoon against an Aston Villa team that had only recently sacked its own manager due to their own terrible form, what began as a pensive pout developed into a lip tremble just before half time. Early in the second half, VAR confirmed that a partial sulk has begun to appear on Cristiano's cheeks before slowly spreading over his perfectly groomed and manicured face. Whilst there are many reports of this happening several times since his...

It's not often I can claim any bragging rights in the running events that I enter. Normally its not so much finishing in the top ten thats an issue rather attempting to finish out of the bottom 10 is more of a concern. Something I sometimes don't even manage to do.  But on Saturday, oh yes on Saturday, without going into too much details, despite me plodding round the 3 mile course at my usual pedestrain pace, the methodical Methodist beat the ambling Anglican in the Bestwood Park run. And didn't just beat my ecumenical colleague by a few yards or a few seconds but beat them by a whole 8 minutes. And that my friends is what divine intervention looks like.

Once upon a time a right of passage for any young adult was an inter rail trip around Europe, possibly during the summer holidays or even a gap year.  If it was Tuesday it must be Belgium. Today for any single Albanian man, the must do adventure is a similar trip across Europe that is less like travelling on the Orient Express with Hercule Poirot and more like a trip on the Mediterranean with Robert Maxwell. Instead of staying in youth hostels, taking endless selfies in front of world famous sites and attractions, sampling different cuisines and drinking exotic wines, the non refundable, one way Albanian version offers accomodation in shipping containers or the back of lorries, not eating for days and occasionally drinking your own urine to stay hydrated, only to end up in conditions at RAF Manston far worse than you left back at home. Whilst an interrail trip offered the chance to meet interesting local characters, Flavia the flamamco dancer, Pierre the painter and Sven the scanda...

News that the nations favourite choclate covered coconut based confectionary is about to be removed from boxes of Celebrations has caused a right old kerfuffal on sweet shelves up and down the land Despite almost 70% of the great British public voting them as the least favourite of the chocolates to be found within a box of Celebrations, minature Bounty bars, long regarded as the bad boys of the box, have seen support from all over the Milky Way or should that be Galaxy. Well as far as to Mars and back anyway And you might very well Snicker at such a story or not think it the Topic of a good conversation. It has even raised ridicule with shoppers far away as in America but they are merely milk centered Mall-teasers. Just let anyone or anything try to come be Twix a man and his Bounty and there is sure to be a mutiny.

On Tuesday night I had a litte jolly out into the woods after dark to go dogging. Well thats what I call it when it involves running with three canine companions, Syd, Narla and Paddy, not to mention the human co runners in the form of Steve, Simon, Josie, Clare and Laura on an hours long lollop through the leaves in Thieves Wood . Thankfully the ominously black clouds that had threatened to unleash their contents stayed away and although there was a bit of a chill in the air conditions were okay. I always 'enjoy' these little night escapades and will have to get used to them, over the next few months. The pace is perhaps a little slower than usual (thankfully) as we all attempt to stay upright by avoiding the snarled roots, low hanging trees and dashing dogs.  Thankfully we stayed to the main paths rather than going 'off piste', with the arc of our head torches cutting through the darkness illuminating the ground beneath our feet. And whether it was the drop in tempera...

Whilst Bob Dylan pondered 'how many road must a man walk down before you can call him a man', the great British public are currently asking themselves' how many kangeroo cocks can Matt Hancok eat before he is shown mercy and evicted from the I'm a Celebrity camp. Hancock who is set to enter the jungle in an attempt to boost his popularity, despite having already been stung once by hidden cameras, is no longer being offered odds by Paddy Power as to how many bush tucker trials he will be made to complete by an unforgiving public. This is of course assuming Hancock survives the jump from the airoplane as news reaching Grace Under Pressure suggests that just like nurses working on Covid wards at the start of the pandemic, Hancock will also be expected to come face to face with death without any PPE (Protective Parachute Equipment) Whilst keen to appear in the TV reality show, the actual reality for Matt Hancock is that even before he has set foot in the jungle the chief wh...

Suella Braveman admits it was perhaps a mistake to carve the nuclear codes into a pumkin she left out overnight on her doorstep. News that former PM Liz Truss has been 'hacked' has raised grave security concerns over at toy company Fisher Price regarding its phones. Therese Coffey has been released after being questioned by local police for terrorising local children at Halloween. It turned out thats she hadn't dressed up in a costume at all but simply looks like that. Tories attempt to turn the clocks back 6 weeks rather than one hour. Government demand that Royal mail strike dispute be settled by postal ballot. Michael Gove commits to building 330,000 new homes in Rwanda. RAF Manston in a pickle. Boom bang a Bang, Lula back at no 1. Rishi Sunak accused of engaging in good COP26, bad COP27 policy.   And in foreign news Iran has recently become Irate.