Grace Under Pressure 2

  But there is good news in this story for all us trick or treaters. It appears the padlock on the door is on the outside thus locking the 'Tory' inside his / her house and therefore preventing them from voting whenever Rishi and Co chose to face the music. After all, another five years of this lot, would be more traumatic than the worst Halloween ghost story.

In breaking news that may or may not be virtually true the Bristih economy nosed dived this morning in a way not seen since the heydays of Trussonimics as millions of Britains wasted an entire day trying to reset the clocks in their cars. Early figures are estimating that close to 3 millon work hours have been lost today as people simply refused to move from their drives until they had worked out how to move the clock back an hour. This has been blamed both on the infrequency with which normally rational humans are required to do this together with the average attention span of seven mins which makes trying to remember something you did 6 months ago an utterly redundant exercise. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own chronologically challeneged correspondent, Hucknall resident, Gizza Minit, revealed, "there appear to be three types of clock, those were you simply push back the hour hand, those that automatically reset themselves like on my laptop, mobile devise or even m...

Just when the world thought its journalistic standards couldn't get any higher GB News has announced that its fact based, none opinionated, wholly truthful news coverage has been boosted to even higher levels of accountability by the recruitment of Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson to its team. Johnson will have a variety of roles at the news channel included political lie fabricator, senior shit stirrer and truth disembler,all whilst bringing his own distinct brand of dishonesty to our TV screens Spokesperson for GB News, Immi Grantsout, revealed, "Out of all the potential candidates for the role, Mr Johnson's CV was quite outstanding. This is a man who is able to lie to his wife, family, friends, parliament, the nation and indeed the whole world whilst managing to keep a poker face at all times. What's more he has done it under oath." "He has been fired from jobs for telling 'porkie pies' so will fit right in here. Plus we know he's good at...

A week ago an attempted trip to Sheffield so that TOM could have his cateract sorted out was abandoned mainly because a large part of the route through Chesterfield had turned into a lake. Yesterday, having been given a very quick replacement appointment, we made a second attempt, on much drier ground but even then it took us well over an hour to make the 30 mile trip. And whilst I am glad that TOM has now managed to have both ofhis eyes sorted out, the fact that we left  the hospital at 6.25pm following a supposed 3pm appointment time perhaps gives an understanding of just how stretched the NHS is at the moment.  As for TOM, well when I left him earlier today, with his eye patch in situ, he resembled Captain Birdseye going through his pirate phase. All he needed to complete the image was a parrot perched on his shoulder. Whilst he 'rested', and attempted to ready the Daily Mail with one eye ( I think reading it with no eyes is the better option), I went on a very misty and mu...

This week has literally been one of ups and down, both physically and emotionally. With two runs around the lumpy streets of Ravenshead and through the woods in Newstead Abbey (in my quickest time it should be noted) and another lined up for tomorrow, there has been the physical challenge.  Then I had a funeral during which I had to pay tribute to someone who had been coming to church for 90 years without ignoring the deceased persons wishes that she didnt want any 'fuss making'. I have not been haunted by her ghost yet but If I am I am hoping I might well feature on a forthcoming edition of Danny Robbins's Uncanny. Interspersed amongst those events has been three Harvest craft event, two of which went really well with loads of little ones and their parents / carers coming along. The last one however, despite extensive advertising at the local school, was a bit of a damp sqib with only one family turnign up on what was to be honest a miserable drizzley day. It was a shame b...

In a move that will either set them on course for a landslide victory at the ballot box in 2024 or banish them to that side of the house for a further 5 long years, the Labour Party has decided to play its election joker card early with the announcement of the Sir Keir Starmer 2024 calendar. Yes its your chance to gt up close and personal as you go through the year with possibly the dullest man in British politics. Drawing inspiration from other iconic images from down the years, the month of June mimicks the famous shot of Fiona Butler from the Athena calendar of 1977. The 2024 upgrade shows Sir Keir pulling up one leg of his shorts to scratch an itchy arse, revealing as he does so that he is attempting to play tennis whilst going 'commando'.  April reminds viewers of Pirelli's finest efforts as bare chested and smother in lubricant oil Sir Keir attempts to change the tyre on an electric powered mini. Whilst January shows Sir Kier riding on a stallion through a snow covere...

  I'm not saying the floods in Hucknall were bad but....

Which has possibly got yo all worried if I have had an incident with my morning porridge. No, that was fine but I bet you are  are all wondering, 'What's gone all lumpy John?' Go on have a guess but I suspect you won't get it right, because what has gone all lumpy is the Monday night run with the Ravenshead Runners, that's what. Over the past, oh 7 months or so, we have been blessed to have been able to have our evening jollies on the tracks, trails and by ways of the local countryside. And although some of the running group still feel more than able to continue such adventures, kitted out in our flourescent lycra and donning our headtorches, there are possibly a larger number who feel its a step beyond. And so the Monday night run has resorted back to a 5km loop around the 'lumpy' streets of Ravenshead. Now that isn't implying that the streets of Ravenshead are full of gaping, ankle shattering potholes but rather to the deceptively up and down, undulati...

This morning we had a family fun activity with some Harvest Craft. Being the very first day of half term and only a couple of daysd after parts of Hucknall nearly disappeared under water we weren't sure whether it would be a famine or a feast of people coming along.  As it turned out it was a feast plus seconds as we were almost overrun with families, which don't get me wrong is lovely but I hardly had chance to look up from the craft for the entire 90 mins. And here is a selection of the things the little ones made.

 

There are some things I never thought I would do on this blog. One of them was upload a track by Katie Meluia. But everyday is a school day especially one in which I discovered she has done a stunning acoustic version of my favourite song by The Cure, 'Just Like Heaven'. And then I stumbled across this little beauty to by The Lumineers. So just sit back and enjoy. Hopefuly doing so will feel just like Heaven for your ears. Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick The one that makes me scream", she said "The one that makes me laugh", she said And threw her arms around my neck Show me how you do it And I promise you, I promise that I'll run away with you , I'll run away with you

UK Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, fresh from another photo opportunity with a 'strong' world leader (President Zelensky was otherwise engaged) has returned back to the UK convinced that a force of evil is responsible for the shocking state of the NHS hospitals. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own medically unfit reporter, Mr Sunak revealed, "the similarities between Gaza and the UK were simply astounding. Patients queing for hours, over stretched medical staff, grossly inadequate funding, literally nowhere to park and the building just falling apart around my head. It's just like when I went to Stafford and Grimsby and Brighton and, well everywhere really. It's kind of resembles my attempts to level up but going about it in the opposite way and simply levelling down." "And then it struck me, just like the the Al-Ahli Arab hospital in Gaza, the NHS must have been the victim of an attack by malevolent force of evil. I'm not sure I can blame Isr...

Having achieved the main purpose of his trip to the Middle East by managing to get down the steps from Air Force 1 without going arse over elbow, President Joe Bidden showed that the Republicans might have nothing to fear in the 2024 elections as he put in another dazzelingly inept performance in Israel. Addressing the world's press President Bidden began, "The question of the Gazza strip, yes it is a difficult one. There are so many possible options and answers, stretching back over the years. It is a conundrum that has divided families, communities even entire counties.It has seen questions raised not just here but also across the world especially in places like Newcastle, Tottenham, Lazio, Glasgow, Middlesborough, Everton, Burnel and even in Boston, the English version not the one we have back home" "But if I had to pick my favourite memory of the Gazza strip, well it would have to stand in agreement with Vinnie Jones who liked this New Castle one so much he just ...

Autumn is for many people the most magical time of the year A time when there is that first chill in the air. A time when our summer wardrobe slowly but surely get replaced by more substantial multi layered clothing. A time when the leaves on the trees start to change colour and unfortunately refuse to stay in situ but instead decide to descend on mass from on high. For Sandra and Bob, this is an unmitigated seasonal nightmare, for no sooner has either of them spent a whole morning gathering the shedded foliage into suitably sized piles than a gust of wind, an over excited dog or a child high on e numbers and additives, disperses said piles to the four corners of the garden once again. And don't even mention the guttering, downpipes and drain holes. Just over the other side of the fence, whilst being subjected to exactly the same climatic conditions, seasonal leaf fall for Stacey and Glen, is simply a magical kaleidascope of rich reds, half burnt oranges and an array of yellows. Th...

On one hand it's lovely to feel that first nip in the air and that initial serach for the de-icer early in the morning. On the other it's a sense of foreboding for whats just round the corner. Last night for the head torch jolly through Newstead Abbey, the long sleeved running top made its first appearance for several months. I even took my gloves just in case.  The running was fine, well as fine as I ever find running, I mean it always is once we have started to get going, and it it quite atmospheric when your breath starts to come out and hand in white clouds in front of you. Atmospheric that is until the glasses started to steam up! But coming back to the house to discover it also had a distinct chill factor and then to climb into bed and try to have a comfortable nights sleep under a minimalistic 7 tog duvet, even with a quick blast of the electric blanket, made me realise it was time to bring out the Big Boy.  So thats been the order of the day, doing my aerobic workout...

As the major political leaders and heads of international peace agencies struggle to get a grip on the Isreal /Palestine situation, Grace Under Pressure cannot help wonder why the United Nations has not enlisted the help of renowned keyboard warrior, Ivan Opinion.  Whilst talks appear to have not even started never mind stalled, Ivan Opinion had already revealed the solution within 48 hours of the conflit beginning. Posting his 'solution' on his Facebook page, which has a following of 32, this follows hot on the heels of Ivan Opinion solving the Ukraine / Russia dispute, the cost of living crisis, how to stop small boat crossing the channel, the Scottish independence issue and England's best starting XI.  Insider sources claimed he even managed to find ananswer to the TV poser, How do we solve a problem like Maria' back in 2008. At the time of going to press, avid readers of his daily proclamations are waiting eagerly to see when he will provide the answer to the questi...

Today I had a trip back in time with my first visit back to Poynton Methodist Church after 5 years since I was the minister there. And it felt like I had never been away.  So much so that I found myself simply walking in, saying a quick hello to the stewards and then just cracking on and setting up the AV system for the service. Well I say setting up the AV system until it decided it didn't actually want to be set up. It appears after 5 years somethings don't change. I guess I might have been here a bit earlier had it not been for the pandemic and eveyone's timeline getting thrown out of synch. As it was, the extra time away simply meant it was more of a memory test trying to put names to faces. Well some names anyway.  Thankfully I suggested that people work on the basis that I wouldn't remember any of them and to simply introduce themselves when we spoke. As it was I didn't do too bad at identifying some old(er) familiar faces, and even managed it appears to recog...

Today, on what turned out to be a gloriously crisp autumn day, I should have been running in the Ladybower trail half marathon, a 13 mile jolly up and down the slopes surruunding the Ladybower Reservior, nestled in the heart of the  Hope Valley.  As it turns out I didn't even get to the start line.  Avid readers will remember my personal slowest time at the Curbar Commotion last week, an effort that was followed 24 hours later by a left calf that felt as if it had been kicked by a horse.  So putting my former physio hat back on it has been a race to get fit enough to compete a run that would have been 3 miles longer and considerably more undulating than the Commotion last weekend. And despite a tentative 5 mile head torch run with the Ravenshead Possie in Thieves Wood on Wednesday night to assess my chances, in the end my head ruled my heart and I pulled out of the event, feeling its better to miss one event than to be laid low with a longer term injury for the rest ...

  So we have taken the plunge and booked to go cruising next year. Heading across to the Bolsover Cruise Club earlier today we were armed with a selection of possible options and not really sure what if anything we might end up with.  Thankfully the stars all aligned and we were able to book our first choice option that involves flying out to Valetta and then a week up the Croatian coast, back to Valetta and then out to the Greek islands for another week. But more importantly flights from Manchester which were not available when we made a similar enquiry last week suddenly became available. It will be a leap of faith for both of us but we have already booked lessons for how we have to dress and dance at the Captain's Dinner  

  Just told my neighbours that the scaffolding that has been erected outside the manse in order to put solar panels on the roof next week, is in fact just part of my proposed Christmas decorations!!

No, not another industrial dispupte but rather an one mans attempt to brighten up what promised to be a dull, dull speech from a dull, dull man. The cost of living crisis was seen in full effect yesterday when the Labour party's attempts to add a bit of razzamatazz to procedings at it's annual party conference in Liverpool fell decidely flat. This was after a proposed battalion of glitter cannons had to be scaled back to a single individual showering it's leader with a sachet of sparkles. Political analysts remain unsure if this was a sudden change in policy with the Labour party giving up on it's attempt to polish a turd and simply resorting to rolling it in glitter in the hope of winning the next election. At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure would like to stress that newspaper headlines reporting 'Starmer well and truly glittered' are nothing to do with any kind of close encounter with the disgraced 1970's pop star. The question that will be...

  Just another day at the office with three Harvest services at Calverton Methodist Church for the local Manor Park Infant School. A fabulous time was had by all. I was of course, Peter Pumpkin, the hero and moral compass during the retelling (3x) of the story of 'The Stone Soup'. And thankfully my ordinary, everyday Tuesday wear came in handy.  Bafta nominations are to be expected. And will 35 bags of food collected for the local Foodbank, the lesson on sharing was a very practical one indeed.

  Currently searching eBay for a new left calf after Saturdays little jolly

In an exclusive interview with Grace Under Pressure, life size action man figure, Sir Kier Starmer, has revealed that following the Rutherglen and Hamilton West by election result, he is confident that his Labour party is headed for number 10 if... If every single seat at the next election is in a constituency where the last MP was kicked out of Paliament and her party for a blatent breach of Covid rules, the main opposition party leader had resigned and is under investigation for alleged financial irregulatities, people were just fed up of independence being the only party policy, voter turn out is in single figures and no other credible other parties stand against them, then perhaps a nationwide election miracle will happen. A visibly bouyant Sir Keir Starmer said: “I feel really really confident a change is gonna come. I know people will say its a long shot, equivalent to winning the lottery or England playing attractive rugby at the World Cup but stranger thngs have happened....

Surely a mix of common sense and science says that having been running more regularly, for longer distances and at a pace that means I can 'just hang on' to the other runners in the group for the past few months, come race day I would be able to put in a better performance. Think again. Today was the Curbar Commotion, a 10 mile fell race, run our the back of Cliff College and up onto Curbar Edge. It's a race I have done 4 times in the past, despite vowing never to do it again everytime I have run it. Today I was back for more, on what was supposed to be a gloriously sunny day but one that turned out to be more hot and humid. With some 284 runners in the field it was a relief to discover that by the time we reached the first style, after a short sharp hill climb, there was still a good 20-30 or so people behind me. That didn't last long and by some 35 mins later when we emerged from yet another climb up onto 'the Edge' itself I was already running on rubber legs ...

The middle of the sleepy Nottinghamshire town of Hucknall was the sight of 'blues and twos' today as emergency services rushed to prevent a catastrophic incident. Police, Fire Brigade and a team paramedics rushed to the high street in reponse to a 999 call alerting then to a potential life threatening incident outside the local 'Spoons drinking establishment. Arriving on the scene Chanel 5' s Police Interceptor regular, Matt 'Speedo' Wilks revealed the scenario, "It's becoming a increasing occurance in our town centre, this inability for young men to actually wear a pair of trousers, jeans or heaven forbid jogging bottoms properly."  "I know he had both hands full carrying his mobile phone and a 4 pack of  'Prime' energy drink but you would have though he could have done something. He made no attempt to you know just urched them up a bit . They were already dangerously low and would soon have become a trip hazzard." "I kept s...

With only a few months to go until the end of the year, the runners and riders in the Cock of the Year 2023 competition are bracing themselves for a final frantic finish with the emergence of some latecomers to this popular annual event. First out of the starting gate and an uearly leader was Phillip Schofield who had never ever ever ever ever, until it was revealed that he had. Several times. With a young man. Close behind came (literally if reports are to be believed) Huw Edwards entering the race by becoming the news himself, instead of the man who simply read the news. Neck and neck for several furlongs were Andrew Tate and Russell Brand who had their own distinctive ways of riding the fillies in the field. These were soon joined by Dan Wootton and Lawrence Fox both of whom should have been fitted with a bit and bridle to prevent them from spouting some of the misogynistic shit that has come out of their mouths in recent months. And last but possibly aiming for first place is perer...

But...this is just gorgeous. Heard it on the radio the other day and just fell in love with it. Sad but also simply sublime. This is Tom O'Dell and Black Friday. I wanna go party I wanna have fun I wanna be happy Could you show me How it's done? You look so pretty Pretty like the sun I could watch forever While you shine On everyone   It's Black Friday And we're in a black taxi You take my hand And hold it gently On the middle seat It's all in my head It's all in my mind I'm so selfish And you're so kind It's all in my head Baby, I can't breathe I look in the mirror What is happening to me?   I wanna better body I want better skin I wanna be perfect Like all your other friends You look so pretty Pretty like the wind Every time You touch me I feel adrenaline   It's Black Friday The end of the week You take my hand And hold it gently Up against your cheek It's all in my head It's all in my min...

Finally after terroising the ears of the world with a series of apocalyptically atrocious albums dating back to the late 2000's, Irish terror oganisation 'U2' have finally been captured and contained within a hermetically sealed sphere in the middle of the Nevada desert where they will pose no more threat to humanity. Lured by a very clever international police sting operation, one that has been years in the construction, U2 were invited to perform in the new 875,000 square foot sphere dominating the skyline of Ls Vegas, a structure that had been 'promoted'  as being the only structure on earth capable of housing Bono's ego. Unable to resist the temptation, Bono and the boys took the bait thinking they were going to play the inaugural concert to a global audience of billions.  Unfortunatly for them but fortunately for the rest of the world, the sphere turned out to be a giant soundproofed trap from which there is no escape. With the images of adoring milllions b...

In a suprise announcement Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has wowed people at the Conservative Party Conference by announcing that the HS2 link between Birmingham and Manchester will go ahead as planned despite spiralling costs. And in an exclusive Grace Under Pressure has obtained images from the two distinct section. See if you can spot any differences. Birmingham to London HS2 Birmingham to Manchester   Still most commuters on the northern section expect it to be more punctual and quicker than travelling by the current Avanti West Coast service.