Grace Under Pressure 2

Let's all hope he never can again

    Don't be embarrased....Sort your shit out...it could save your life Rest in peace Deborah.

  My latest ear worm. This is The War on Drugs with the closing track to their latest album, the wonderfully hypnotic 'Occasional Rain'. Just enjoy getting soaked.   Into the mouth of control Take me down where the river strays Where it flows outside the lines Where it's picked apart and thrown away Now I'm finally feeling free I'm living down by an old par three You know I'll be playing   Come around, don't take it hard Don't let 'em stone you when the comedown starts You've been moving much too fast You never know just where it ends What would I find living this life without you?   I got swept up in a world so strange One you'd never even recognize Oh, but I slipped away Now I'm a stranger and I don't know why It's killin' me, but your words They brought me out onto steady ground When I was wounded and ashamed   And now that my heart is empty Where should I go? You've always been a constant My loathing star, where do I g...

  I read of a man who stood to speak At the funeral of a friend He referred to the dates on the tombstone From the beginning...to the end He noted that first came the date of birth And spoke the following date with tears, But he said what mattered most of all Was the dash between those years For that dash represents all the time That they spent alive on earth. And now only those who loved them Know what that little line is worth For it matters not, how much we own, The cars...the house...the cash. What matters is how we live and love And how we spend our dash. So, think about this long and hard. Are there things you'd like to change? For you never know how much time is left That can still be rearranged. If we could just slow down enough To consider what's true and real And always try to understand The way other people feel. And be less quick to anger And show appreciation more And love the people in our lives Like we've never loved before. If we treat each othe...

Theologians and biblical scholars up and down the land are expecting a bumper turn out at church today as the lapsed faithful, the agnostics and the athiests all suddenly realise there is a God after the election results in Wakefield and Tiverton & Honiton. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own bible basher, the Arched Bishop of Heavens Above Church confirmed "This is best irrefutable evidence that the church has had for years that not only does God exist but works in very, very mysterious ways. It beats people turning up at the doors with bleeding stigmata or claiming that they can see the face of Jesus in a Waitrose chiabatta" "We are expecting to draw a bigger crowd than Paul McCartney did at Glastonbury, although unfortunatly given our current congregation, not many of them are expected to be younger than Paul McCartney. So we have ordered in extra communion wafers and giving envelopes of course. I just hope that Gladys and Elsie can cope on the coffee ...

Taliban spokesman, Mustafacock, has sent heartiest congratulations on befhalf of Afghanistan's non recognised government to their USA counteparts after the Supreme Court overturned the landmark 1973 Roe vs Wade decision to protect a women's liberty to chose whether to have an abortion or not. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, the Taliban minister for Gender Inequality, Mustafacock, warmly welcomed the move and praised the regressive, repressive and retrograde thinking behind the move which clamped down on the ridicluous new fad of thinking that women have rights. “Women making decisions about their own bodies will lead to them wanting to make more decisions about other things that affect them personally,"Mustafacock explained,"they will be wanting education, wanting to uncover their faces in public and wanting to learn to drive. Where is this going to end, thinking they are equal under the law and actually wanting to vote?" “It is such a re...

 

 So the nights are drawing in, you'll soon need to put the heating on and there are only 185 days to Christmas

In a unilateral act of defiance that has threatened to split the world of animated toy trains in two, Thomas the Tank engine has dared to break union orders by chuff chuffing his way across picket lines to work as normal yesterday A tank engine who normally operates in Sodor, with his six small wheels, short stumpy funnel, boiler and dome, Thomas has always always had a bit of a complex about his position in life and has long been regarded by the others as a fussy little engine with ideas above his station.  Yesterday the other engines could not conceal their fury that Thomas had broken ranks. "Scab", puffed Edward and Henry. "Blackleg", whistled Gorden and James. "Dirty Rat", screached Percy and Toby whilst Belle, Rosie and Lady just hissed, unable to put their thoughts into words at this act of train track trechery. The Fat Controller, who because of a politically woke cancel culture, now has to be refered to as the 'excessive calorie consuming, mass...

In breaking travel news commutors on the South East railway network are reporting a dramatic improvment in the service after one train ran actually ran on time per hour due to industrial action. Meanwhile over in the Potteries, the Symonds family prepare to set out for their long awaited summer holiday, which will consist of a return taxi ride from Stoke to Manchester airport after Easy Jet cancel their flight having not been able to predict how many people woud turn up based on the actual number of tickets they had sold.  Over on the A6111, the driver of the BMW is still attempting to conserve fuel by constanting pipping his horn whilst trying to drive in the boot of the car in front of it, as he makes his way into Nottingham. And on Radio 2, camp as Christmas, travel reoprter Ritchie Anderson continues to confuse motorists by announcing delays on roads even seasoned truck drivers are struggling to locate. At the time of going to press, Grace Under Pressure is unable to confirm th...

In a not unexpected move, insider sources at ITV have revealed that the hit show based in and around the Houses of Parliament, TOWIE, or as those in the know refer to it,'The Only Way is Ethics' might well be ditched after its second series came to an abrupt end following the shock departure of one of its lead characters. Still reeling for the earlier departure of Alex Allen, who was removed from the role in 2020 in protest at a potential plot line in which the incumbant Prime Minister attempted to support for a collegue who was found to have broken the ministerial code, this is the second major moral mishap to affect TOWIE.  Replacement moral compass, Christopher Edward Wollaston Mackenzie Geidt, or 'Lord G' as he is known in luvvie circles,  had only just got into character when the plot suddenly required him to become an ethical vacuum in order to let (mis) leading man 'Bojo' get away with metaphorical murder. Showing that some people still understand the mea...

Under leaden and threatening skies, Saturday morning saw the staging of the Baslow Boot Bash, a 14 or 26 mile walk / run into the countryside surrounding Chatsworth House, back after a three year Covid induced abscence. Given the soaring temperatures of the previous day it was a relief to line up for the 9am start in a far more comfortable climate alongside some 200 other walkers, runners and dogs, including four members of the Ravenshead Runners club. It was 'undulating' to say the least and half way to the first checkpoint, a niggle in my right knee that I had been aware of pre race started to become more niggly, despite taking more anti inflammatories that is possibly good for me. So I was faced with the dilemma or continuing on for a further 9 miles, not really knowing what sort of terrain it would be, or calling it a day and simply re runing the 5 mile route back from where I had just come. Thankfully my head ruled my heart and so having made sure the marshalls were aware ...

This retreat, that has not been a retreat, has been a little bit of a rollercoaster to be honest with a lot of mutterings amongst the attendees about what it has been, compared to what they thought it might be, expected it to be or even wanted it to be.  From where I sat, there have been brief moments of inspiration, long periods of thumb twiddling waiting for the next group activity to start, an underlying feeling that too much of it has been focussed on supervision, which is something all Methodist ministers are receiving and in many cases offering, and just a lack of intentional focus as to what people in their second decade of ministrymight have benefitted from post pandemic . I like to come away from things like this and synod with 'an idea', something that someone else is doing in their context or a new idea that I think might work well in mine. Hands up if you remember 'Giving up Church for Lent'. From here I have come away with a book to read and virtually no i...

BBC weather man Tomaz Shaffenaker has issued a stark warning in advance of todays predicted heatwave for anyones who has a 'ginger' in the family.  As the colour on the weather charts changes from yellow to orange to red, and temperatures are expected to hit 30 degrees, it is advised to place your 'ginger' behind closed curtains, in an attic or best of all in a darkened basement. Follicular expert, Professor Dan Druft, from the University of Tressame, spoke exlusively to Grace Under Pressure and explained, "Gingers are very susceptible to the rays of the sun much like an ice cream or very valuable antique painting. Direct exposure can cause irreversible damage and reduce the value of your 'ginger' until it is practically worthless!" "Whilst many try to expose their ginger to increasing levels of UV rays during the days of spring, literally smothering them in an inch thick layer of Factor 150, it is an almost impossible task to get the level of exp...

I am currently taking a few days away from home at an event organised by the Methodist Church called ReCharge. It is something I should have attended 2 years ago but Covid got in the way and I had no desire to attempt to be rcharged via Zoom from my own study.  So 24 months later, older but not neccessarily wiser, here I am at Yarnfield, the national BT training centre and conference venue in Stone, Staffordshire, surrounded by 1001 BT engineers in their navy uniforms and flourescent oragne Hi Viz jackets. Which to be honest is probably what Jesus will chose to wear when he finaly returns. It is a retreat, that is not a retreat, aimed at those of us who have been in ministry for between 10-12 years or because of Covid for 12-14 years. It's a stange time constraint to select but as was said in one of the sessions it's probably the time when many ministers finally realise that perhaps ministry is not what they thought it might be.  Having seen their first appoinment as a honeymo...

Getting in a kerfuffal over the time it might take to get through immigration and customs?  Ever been a bit panicky in case you discover someone else accidentally sat in your seat? Worried that all the overhead locker space will be full up by the time you board? Concerned over whether you might end up in an aisle, middle or window seat? Anxious that the stewardess will be too busy to notice that your call light is on? These are just some of the potential problems that face the modern day air traveller but not for the seven flying to Rwanda, who will be literally be escorted through customs and immigration, have several rows to themselves, be able to chose any seat right across the row, have their own personal stewardess and not have to worry about capturing the moment of their first ever flight as it will all be recorded for them by various news agencies and independent reporters. Who knows they might even be invited to turn left! The only question that appears to remain unanswered...

Having knocked off the King of Thailand over the weekend, Queen Elizabeth now has little Louis well and truly in her sights. As of Monday, our Liz has been on the throne for 70 years and 127 days, and as such she has jumped into silver medal position in the longest Morach competition, having finally overtaken Thailand's King Bhumibol Adulyadej, who died in 2016.  Now it's only little Louis standing between her and the 'big one'. Oh no, not her adorable scene stealing great grandson but rather Louis who became king of France when he was only 4 and is the only remaining obstacle to 'her Madge' becoming top dog in the monarchy stakes. Speaking in an exclusive chin wag with Grace Under Pressure  over a mug of Yorkshire tea and breakfast of age retarding pills and potions, the Queen revealed, "One doesn't remember the monarch who reigned for the seond longest period of time, does one? So while I'm still in the saddle so to speak, I'll ride on for a ...

Numerous people forced to live in cities, towns and villages that they themselves would describe at total s%$^&*£"s have been outraged after Heather Wheeler, a minister in the Cabinet Office, failed to describe their location of residence as 'God Awful' during comments made at technology event in London. Residents of St Helens, Grimsby, Slough, Little Barnett, Ayelsbury, Upper Waddington, Peterborough, Corby, Newquay, Luton, Jaywick, Leith, Port Talbot, Little Waddle, Scarborough, Great Yarmouth, almost all the North Wales coast and a host of other places for which the words dismall and depressing would be totally inadequate have all lambasted Heather Wheeler for chosing two locations that they would describe as 'utter paradise' compared to where they currently live. "That's just the thing with these ministers," remarked, Ivor Whippet, "They see one s$%$^&£e and think they've seen the worst s$%$^&£e there is, when in reality they ...

Mix a beautiful Sunday morning with the fat dancer from Take That. Add a banger of a sing a long tune that everyone knows and the Metropole Orchestra. Shake, stir and serve. End result is Bliss  

As if life wasn't bad enough for your avarage refugee / asylum seeker, things have just got a whole lot worse.  Having fled from war torn regions of the world, endured months of hardship travelling in the back of lorries, spent weeks in temporary refugee camps and then been greeted by the welcoming face of Great Birtain, a giant image of Priti Patel projected onto the white cliffs of Dover, those seeking sanctuary have been informed that they are to be deported to Rwanda....by Wyan Hair Unwilling to reveal his / her indentity, asylum seeker, An Oni Mus, spoke to Grace Under Pressure about this latest setback. "As if I haven't been through enough during the past few months since I left my home, now I am told I have to go to Rwanda by Wyan Hair. Have you experienced the check in queues, and how am I supposed to remember to have my 100ml of shampoo in a sealable see through plastic bag. And don't me started on the free micro hand luggage allowance or the eye waterting sur...

So funny but so true   This the first verse of the worship song song The words are simple so sing along long I am terrible But He is able It's incredible Hope this song's relatable Life's gotten me down I'm at the end of my rope Here's an out of context Bible verse about hope   This is the chorus We're lifting our voices Loud and triumphant We're singing the chorus It's repetitive It's repetitive It's repetitive All are my problems are gone   I'm a rich blonde female Singin' 'bout how I fail Things are bad again I am strug-guh-lin' I'm a total mess My life's a train wreck I'm pure garbage I need Him again Life's gotten me down I'm at the end of my rope Here's an out of context Bible verse about hope   This is the chorus We're lifting our voices Loud and triumphant We're singing the chorus It's repetitive It's repetitive It's repetitive All are my problems are gone   The drums are getting...

Despite the best efforts of 148 people, it appears that Boris Johnson, the floater that just won't flush, has survived to cling on to the side of the toilet bowl of politics for another day.  In a mathematical conundrum that is baffling the brightest and best, including both Carol Vordemann and Rachel Riley, no one has yet been able to come up with a remotely sensible solution as to how back in 2018 having only 65% of your fellow MP's support you in a vote of confidence was a disaster for Theresa May and yet in 2022, having a lower figure of 59% of fellow MP's support you, is evidence of what a great job you are doing. This does prove that whilst you can't actually polish a t%$d, you can try to roll it in glitter to make it look attractive. In breaking news Grace Under Pressure is unable to confirm whether the Queen will have the stomach and stamina to knight the 211 people who voted for Boris Johnson to remain or whether that task will be delagated to younger, fitter m...

After their 15 mins of fame during the Jubilee celebrations, the nation's trifle bowls have been condemned to the back of dark dingy cupbourds, sentenced to not see the light of day for many, many a month. There they joined the once only used Pasta machine, the George Foreman grill and the Italian coffee maker whose ridiculously expensive pods all tasted worse than Aldi instant. With trifle fever having gripped the kitchen's of the UK, glassware that might only be seen on the Antiques Roadshow was unearthed, examined, scrubbed within an inch of its life and then used to hold all sorts of culinary conconctions. These ranged from a simple Bird's trifle mix, through the childhood staple of strawberry Angel Delight to the thoroughly modern Jubilee pudding with its exotic and possibly erotic ingredients. Placed firmly in the spotlight, a sense of nostalgia swept over the nation as we looked back through rose coloured spectacles to the glory days when a trifle, almost collapsing ...

In an official statement released from Buckingham Palace, officials have confirmed that whilst Queen Elizabeth did not attend the thanksgiving service at St Pauls on Friday, she did watch the service on television, and despite being in great discomfort, joined in enthusiastically with the rest of the nation in loudly booing Boris Johnson. Meanwhile in a statement from Lambeth Palace, Steven Cottrill, the ArchBishop of York has catagorically denied that he is in any way shape or firm related to the Duke of York and has strongly refuted claims that he has had any men, never mind 10,000 Finally in breaking news the Jubilee weekend came to a sticky end for one individual as Home Secretary, Priti Patel, ordered a dawn raid at Buckingham Place after she discovered that Paddington Bear was in fact an illegal immigrant with no official paperwork. I wonder if they have marmalade in Rwanda?