Grace Under Pressure 2

In and exclusive Grace Under Pressure offers royalists and republicans a handy dandy guide to the events and emotions of the Jubilee celebration. Feel vaguely patriotic or is that just cause it’s a three-day week? Argue over what to call 'the flag' and which way up it goes. Source Vera Lynne on Spotify and search for Spam in Aldi. TV coverage getting increasily one dimensional. Trooping the Colour with Wills on a pony. Unable to see neighbours house because of bunting and flags.  Talk about the Falklands. Start to wonder if this is what the Queen really likes? Land of Hope and Glory really starting to irritate. Can't be arsed to go and watch a beacon burn. BBC 1,2,3,4 and all radio stations try to out do each other in 24/7 coverage of the Queen's life. Eat your third Jubilee pudding. Princess Anne rides winner at the Epsom Derby.  Everything and everyone everywhere is red, white and blue. Brian May on top of Nelson's Column. Nicolas Witchell collapses from excess s...

 

When you come to the City ground next season, to play newly promoted Nottingham Forest with your team of multi millionaires, don't forget to book a tour of the stadium with club ambassador John McGovern. It's probably the closest you are going to get to seeing what the European Cup actually looks like .  

Jon Boden is the lead singer of the accliamed folk band Bellowhead. Known for their stomping, foot tapping anthems this is very different side to Jon Bowden's prodigious musical talent. A wonderful stripped down version of Blue Dress that is heartbreakingly beautiful O Georgia you know you're the only girl for me in this whole wide world when I see you in school I think we should run away don't care what the teachers say

Yesterday I went to a zoo. They only had one animal. It was a dog. I wasn't impressed . I wrote a review on Trip Advisor. I said don't go.  It was just a shit zu.  

In a points scoring exercise Chancellor of the Exchequer Rishi 'billions' Sunak announced that the government would be imposing an energy profits levy on oil and gas companies which was absolutely nothing like the emergency windfall tax on oil and gas companies that the opposition have been calling for for the past 6 months Tory MP, Ivor Noempathy,  spoke exclusively to Grace Under Pressure and explained, “people on the streets might think that something that is a tax on a windfall, is a windfall tax but thats just not the case mainly because that was Labour’s idea. We have had a much better idea for an Energy Profits Levy, which, instead of taxing an unexpected windfall, which as anyone can see is plainly ridiculous but will instead apply a levy on unexpected excess profits, which makes total sense".  "And is a very, very different concept to the one we had been refusing to do becasue we didn't think of it first.In fact it is so different I won't bothe...

  Totally responsible but not morally accountable in the slightest.  What a cockwomble!!!

Have you got Monkeypox yet? Not sure well here's a handy dandy Grace Under Pressure guide to check if you might have. After all it will only it will only be a matter of time before the panic police declare it an epipandemic and Gal Godot gets together with her C list celebrity friends to inflict another God awful song on humanity. So let's work our way through the check list. Are you paranoid about Covid, still wearing a mask even when on your own, sanitising your hands before entering every shop and trying to keep 2 meters away from everyone? You've probably got it Have you every seen a monkey, either live or on TV or spent a monkey on something extravagent? You've probably got it! Have you touched any bed sheets in the last two weeks? You've probably got it! Have you let you 'Woo Hoo' go near a stranger's ' Nu Nu' recently? You've probably got it! Do you read the Daily Mail? You've definitly got it! Do you still support Boris Johnson. Y...

Last week I decided to treat myself to a new running watch. My old Garmin Forerunner 10 was eight years old and the battery / recording time was showing signs of age, probably on account of the rapid speed I run and huge distances I cover (not) So it was time to splash the cash and upgrade to the Garmin Forerunner GPS 45 on special offer on everyone's favourite river based retail website. Now I am not a great techno geek and am quite happy with a watch that offers a few basic but helpful functions. But as with most gadjets these days this has come with everything including the kitchen sink. I can now measure my activity whilst running outdoors, on a treadmill, cycling on a bike, doing a cardio session, walking in the local park or even eating a family sized bag of Doritos which is a high intensity calorie workout.  I can measure my distance, pace, acceleration rate, heart rate (I was almost dying!) stress level, body battery and mood (good luck with that one Garmin)  I can dow...

Attempting to reach out and touch a younger generation, the Prince of Wales and Duchess of Cornwall a ka 'Charlie' and 'K'miller' are to appear in a special Jubilee episode of Eastenders. Filmed earlier this year, when people could afford to buy food from an outdoor market, according to our insider source, Cock Knee Keef, the complex episode will contain several interconnecting storylines.  One strand will reveal that it is in fact Danny Dyer and not Charlie who is the legitimate heir to the British throne, whilst in another interwoven thread K'miller gets to experience waiting on a trolley in an NHS accident and emergency department after eating some jellied eels from one of the Bridge Street Market stalls Whether Prince Andrew's attempts to reach out and touch the younger generation by becoming a contestant on the next series of Love Island will be succesful is uncertain at the time of going to press especially after reports emerged that Charlie has agree...

Some things are harder to sell than other, and a play about a man suffering from dementia certainly falls into that category. Chalk is one such play, written and performed by Nottingham based actor Simon Carter.  Several months ago I was furtunate enough to see him perform the play over in Burton Joyce and thought it would be something worth trying to bring to this circuit and especially to Sherwood Methodist Church, who as part of their vision plan, hope to make their building / servces/ activities more demantia friendly.  So last night I did and thankfully, people took a leap of faith and turned out in very good numbers to watch the performance which all takes place in the imagination of 40 year old Richard's imagination, whilst he is living in a care home for people living with dementia. I'll let that settle in...40 year old. Outside in the real world its 2022, but for Richard it is 1979, he is a 10 year old schoolboy and he’s desperate to keep it that way. Richard’s ill...

  One of the joys of trying to listen to a different cd every time I go on a car journey is that it gives me the chance to become reaquainted with long forgotten gems that have sat gathering dust on a bookshelf for far too long. Yesterday's aural treat as I drove across to TOM's was the Indigo Girls 2002 release 'Become You'. The first song is the toe tapping title track with its wonderfully catchy acordian hook. The second is a live version of 'Moment of Forgiveness' that just swings along with its own momentum. But I saved the best for last with 'Our Deliverance' one of my favourite Indigo Girls songs and one that I had the pleasure of hearing Emily Sailier's sing twice live during the year that I spent in Altanta, memories that still bring tears to my eyes when I here in now They're sending soldiers to distant places X's and O's on someone's drawing board Like green and plastic but with human faces And they want to tell you it'...

Lincolnshire's finest were called to downtown Grantham early yesterday after social media reports suggested that a pop up food bank had started in the city and was attracting large crowds. Twitter feeds and Instagram posts were quick to list eggs, flour, tomatoes, milk, custard, yoghurt, spaghetti bolegnaise sauce, cream pies, together with a range of housegold items such as paint as being available.  Upon arrival at the scene the boys in blue discovered it was unfortunatly not a good Samaritan's attempt to ease the cost of living crisis, but rather just all the things that had been thrown at the statue of Margaret Thatcher in the past 12 hours. Speaking to Grace Under Pressure, PC Scram Bled  revealed, " This is eggsactly the sort of things hard-boiled criminals and seasoned poachers will do. It's no yoke trying to police this. It's really a job for soldiers. So omeletting you all know, this is not a cracking idea."

In a watershed moment for Britsh sports, 23 yr old professional Footballer, Gizza Pass, has hit a screamer right into the top corner by coming out of the changing rooms to revealing that he is in fact intelligent. In making this monumental move, one that has blunted the popular press who seemed keen that it must be a Premier League player who was the first to be exposed as being a brain box, Blackpool's Gizza Pass is the first professional player in British men's football to come out publicly as being clever whilst still playing the beautiful game.    The last player rumoured to potentially be a right old clever clogs by his fellow professionals was Blackburn Rover's left back, Graeme Le Saux, who according to an urban myth was spotted once right at the back of the team bus removing his post match fish and chips from the newspaper so that he could complete the sudoku and cryptic crossword.   Speaking exclusivly to Grace Under Pressure, Gizza Pass revealed himself to our s...

Well my kind of heaven anyway, rather than the one where angels are singing Gregorian chats over and over again for eternity. This has always been one of favourite tunes by The Cure but this stripped back cover version by The Luminers is just beautiful. Enjoy   Show me how you do it And I promise you, I promise that I'll run away with you I'll run away with you

After 70 years on the throne Queen Elizabeth has finally decided life is too short and that is it far more fun to watch an endless parade of horses going round and round and round in circles than it is to talk to heads of state or politicians.  Having wangled out of the opening of Parlaiment last week, when she handed over the role to her 'crown' accompanied by her eldest son, Queen Elizabeth was ceremoniosly unwrapped from her protective cotton wool cocoon to attend the Windsor horse show on Sunday night as part of her Platinum Jubilee celebrations. So whilst others might have had long faces, especially those unfortunate enough to endure the 'nails down a blackboard' TV commentary, the Queen thouroughly enjoyed watching horses walk, trot, canter, gallop, stand and even have a lie down. Which only goes to show that she actually prefers horseshit to the bullshit she normally has to listen too. At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure is unable to confirm that a...

64 yr old Spencer Sinclair, who had previously never shown any interest at all in the Eurovision song contest and who once described all the contestants as 'camp as Christmas' had a sudden Damascus Rd experience on Saturday night after viewing the Spanish entry. Several times over with frequent use of the pause button. S peaking to Grace Under Pressure, Mr Sinclair revealed that he had used up his entire monthly TalkTalk data allowance trying to ensure that Spain received as many votes as possible in order to ensure a repeat live performance. "It was a song that captured the essence of Spain, sunshine, sangria, paella, the civil war, football, conquistadors, bull fighting and the siesta. It was a beautiful medatative reflection on the true nature of the Iberian peninsular, a melancholy masterpiece. " "I know I should have voted for Ukraine like everyone else or even for the British entry but there was just something about the Spansh song that moved parts of me t...

  Today was the first time hosting our new 'Building Connections' family event, a chance for families to come and engage with a whole array of different building kits, materials and games that were not Lego. Not that I have anything against Lego but give me a good old Stickle Brick any day of the week. The collection had been drawn together over the past few months by rooting and rummaging in charity shops, via canny purchases off Facebook Marketplace purchaces and of course good old eBay and ended up as vertiable Aladdin's cave of things with which people could use their imagination, be inspired and then invent whatever came to mind. Given that we launched on the hottest day of the year, and also on the day when Nottingham Forest were playing in the 1st round of the football play offs, I wasn't sure whether we would get a famine or a feast of families turning up. In the end it was neither really, with a healthy 7 families turning up, all of whom stayed for the entire 9...

On Thursday night TOM and I hobbled very slowly and gingerly to The Winding Wheel in Chesterfield for an evening of cabaret, care of Fascinating Aida. This was our first jolly to this particluar venue to see something a little different from our usual fair I grant you, but a welcome change never the less. After all its not everyday you get to hear a tuneful little dittie in which a silver haired septugenaian calls Boris Johnson a c%$t. Although thinking about it perhaps it should be. It was a lovely evening of beautifully performed, pitch perfect, politcally incorrect songs by the trio of Dillie Keane, Adele Anderson and Liza Pulman, that was in turn thought provoking, topical, laugh out loud funny and at times very, very rude much to the delight of the mature audience. Although TOM had seen them perform over 20 years ago neither of us were familiar with their material but that really didnt matter. With songs about fake news, religion, menpause, funerals, kids that return home, New Zea...

After last weekends little jolly to Langsett that didnt quite work out as originally planned, this moning I decided to stay closer to home and have a little peramble in Clough Woods just on the edge of Matlock. At this time of year it is covered in bluebells, which although not making the running any easier certainly makes it a lot more pleasne on the eye.  Needless to say I did take heed of the advice that is given to many people who rush through life at 1000mph and that is to suggest we all need to stop and smell the flowers. I did especially on the uphill bits.

Emergency services were called to SW1A 0AA on Tuesday after a 70 yr old pensioner called Charlie chained himself to an ornate chair in some form of inheritance protest. Normally used to ungluing the hands of Extinction Rebellion protestors off train carriages, chief fire officer, Ivor Bighose, spoke exclusivly to Grace Under Presure from the site. "It all seemed to be going smoothly when he just snapped. He was about half way through quite a dull monlogue when he suddenly started to say "Oh my mummy says this, my mummy says that, when do people get to hear what I have to bloody say" and with that he reached across to the cushion beside him picked up the crown, jammed it on his head and started to shout, "Look Camilla it fits, it fits". Next thing we knew he had handcuffed himself to the chair and with the other was furiously wielding a giant mace as if he were Obi One Kinobee whilst singing ' I'm the king of the castle and you're the dirty rascals...

It is the question on everyones lips...Dr Who? Because let's be honest unless you happen to have Netflix and happen to have watched Sex Education then you like most of the world probably don't have a scooby as to who Ncuti Gatwa actually is. Far right supporter and ardent Brexiteer, Ray Cist, who up until this anouncement had never shown the slightest interest in the trials and tribulations of the travelling Time Lord was quick to adopt his keyboard warrior position and question the appointment, "Is he the one who played Luther? No, oh then is it the one who drove Miss Daisy? No, well is the one who got slapped at the Oscars then? Really, then he must be the one who played Lenny Henry?" "Don't get me wrong I'm all for diversity providing they don't do any more of those dances about Keith Floyd. But isn't this new one...uhm, well you know... a bit too d.., a shade too d..., delicate. Yes that's the word. Just look at him, he's so d..., deli...

The picture that caught Keir Just when he thought he was finally developing a personality that would resonate with the great British public, after revelations that he likes a beer and a curry just like the man / woman on the street, Sir Keir Starmer's image, if indeed he ever had one, has taken another bashing. Having cancelled a planned appearance on Monday afternoon at an event organised by the Institute for Government (IoG) think tank, in order to offer an exclusive to Grace Under Pressure, Sir Keir, the man who still appears to unable to land a punch on the worst government of all time, laid bare the whole truth about his shocking Durham dinner dilemma "Yes I can confirm that after a long day campaigning during which three people actually regognised who I was, I celebrated with the local Labour party by having a chicken tika masala curry. Only without the tika or indeed the masala because that just plays havoc with my insides for days afterwards. It was the same when I ...

Fanatical film fan, Cellu Loid, has been left reeling after the stunning suggestion contained within the latest Marvel blockbuster, Dr Strange in the Multiverse of Madness, that there is actually an alterative dimension in which the UK government isn't full of public school educated bellends. Speaking exclusively to Grace Under Pressure's very own digital downloader, Cellu Loid revealed, "I know many might think that fans of the Marvel franchise will swallow any old tosh hook line and sinker. Sceptics will say how ridiculous to actually believe that a geeky teenager could be bitten by a radioactive spider and then develop super powers." "But compared to a scene in this latest epic in which it is suggested that in some other parts of the multiverse there is a scenario actually happening right now in which the incumbant of no 10 Downing Street isn’t a philandering law-breaking liar who looks like a vagrent turnign up for a court date in a borrowed suit, believing ...

On Friday night TOM and I had a jolly out on another thespian adventure, this time to the lovely little theatre in Derby. Lovely because its a very pleasant little venue with a great view wherever you sit, even from the cheap seats that we often opt for. Not quite so lovely is the drive there from Matlock which both TOM and I really don't like doing esp coming home on dark twisting roads that seem to go on forever. But I digress... We had gone to see The Rise and Fall of Little Voice, a play originally written by Jim Cartwright but made famous through the 1998 film that featured Jane Horrocks, Brenda Blethyn, Michael Caine and Jim Broadbent, a cast many directors would love to be able to assemble today. This touring production was not be able to draw on such star names, but Shobna Gulati, playing a very different role from those she portrayed in Dinnerladies and Coronation Street, was one familiar face, whilst American actress, singer and impressionist, Christina Bianco, was I am s...

Sometimes fate just seems to conspire to determine the events of your life. This morning was one such occasion. 24 months ago I had signed up to run the trail half marathon at Langsett reservoir just outside Sheffield. Then came the pandemic and despite at least three attempts by the oranisers to rearrange the event it has taken until today to actually be able to stage it.  Now you might think that 24 months should be long enough for me to actually get in shape to complete this run. Think again because 13 miles up hill and down dale is a bit of a step up from a 5km park run. Add to that the need to carry all weather emegency kit on route, despite the temps being predicted to reach the mid teens, plus all the food and fluid one might need, and its fair to say that my enthusiasm for this peak based plod was starting to wane.  But I set off on a beautiful sunny day in plenty of time, having resigned mysefl to several hours of physical exertion until my sat nav decided to take mat...

Just saw this and thought it worth sharing. It made me smile  

In an amazing about turn that has made even this hardened cynic view him in a different light, Prime Minister Boris Johnson has come to the aid of 77yr old pensioner Elsie and pledged that she will never again have to ride on London's  buses using her Freedom Pass in order to keep warm.  Instead Boris Johnson has pledged he will personally ensure that she will spend the rest of her life never having to worry about fuel bills because she is going to be warm 24/7, 365 days of the year. Whether Elsie will actually like living in Rwanda is another matter. But at least the people there know who Lorraine is.

In a move that has once again stunned the watching world, Boris Johnson has shown without doubt that whilst you cannot polish a t%$d, you can certainly try to roll it in glitter to make it look better. Fronting up for his first live interview on ITV's Good Morning in living memory, the Prime Minister attempted to take the claim for the ability of Elsie, a pensioner from London, to use her Freedom Pass to enjoy riding round the capital by reminding everyone that it was he, as mayor of London, who gave her that free bus pass in the first place.  Yet in the midst of the self congratulatory back slapping, Mr Johnson seems not to have heard that the reason that Elsie spent all day riding on a bus was in fact that she could not afford to stay at home and heat her house. Undeterred by the grim reality of the story he was hearing, Boris Johnson then began to get into his stride. "We are the only party who are bringing mobile heating to those in need. Almost to the doorstep in some cas...

If only I could remember where I've put them...

An unnamed 42 yr old from Tiverton, Devon is today pondering whether he needs to resign from his local S&M club after an intentional search for pornography led to finding himself inadvertantly on a website displaying hard core agricultural equipment.  What's more embarrassing was that this faux pas was noticed by several of the clubs members who are reported to be disgusted that the man, who we shall refer to as 'Tynee Todger' would try to seek sexual gratification using images of renowned farming hard wear specialists John Deere, Massey Ferguson and Mahindra Tractor. Speaking exclusively to Grace Under Pressure, 'Tynee Todger' attempted to downplay his deviant behaviour by claiming he had only watched for a couple of minutes of the promotional material before turning his phone off.  At the time of going to press this raises the question whether the general public is going to believe that having watched the 'trailer', Tynee Todger didn't remain on th...