4th May She's got a ticket to ride and he don't care

In a move that has once again stunned the watching world, Boris Johnson has shown without doubt that whilst you cannot polish a t%$d, you can certainly try to roll it in glitter to make it look better.

Fronting up for his first live interview on ITV's Good Morning in living memory, the Prime Minister attempted to take the claim for the ability of Elsie, a pensioner from London, to use her Freedom Pass to enjoy riding round the capital by reminding everyone that it was he, as mayor of London, who gave her that free bus pass in the first place. 

Yet in the midst of the self congratulatory back slapping, Mr Johnson seems not to have heard that the reason that Elsie spent all day riding on a bus was in fact that she could not afford to stay at home and heat her house.

Undeterred by the grim reality of the story he was hearing, Boris Johnson then began to get into his stride. "We are the only party who are bringing mobile heating to those in need. Almost to the doorstep in some cases. And with your free handy dandy bus pass well you can ride to your hearts content, meet other people who share a common interest ie keeping warm, plus there's the added bonus of some great sighseeing. Unless you live in one of those grim industrial cities up north," he added after a moments thought, "in which case you'd be advised to just keep looking at the floor"

Mr Johnson went on to explain to an increasingly bewildered Suzanna Reid that by 2023 there would be 5,000 of these mobile heating units (or buses as everyone refers to them) in circulation. which is unfortunaty some 2,500 less than are currently being used.

"It is my dream," continued Mr Johnson, "that one day all our buses will be crammed with pensioners all huddling together to keep warm, then just like Elsie no one will need to worry about heating costs ever again. Well that's assuming anyone actualy lives to retirement age given our current policies but what a incredible saving that will be for our NHS too. Hey thinking about it, I could have solved the housing crisis too. A win win all round."

At the time of going to press, medical staff at GMB are still trying to attempt to remove the look of shock and utter disgust off Suzanna Reid's face but prospects are not looking good.