1st June Battered by bunting


In and exclusive Grace Under Pressure offers royalists and republicans a handy dandy guide to the events and emotions of the Jubilee celebration.

Feel vaguely patriotic or is that just cause it’s a three-day week? Argue over what to call 'the flag' and which way up it goes. Source Vera Lynne on Spotify and search for Spam in Aldi. TV coverage getting increasily one dimensional. Trooping the Colour with Wills on a pony. Unable to see neighbours house because of bunting and flags. 

Talk about the Falklands. Start to wonder if this is what the Queen really likes? Land of Hope and Glory really starting to irritate. Can't be arsed to go and watch a beacon burn. BBC 1,2,3,4 and all radio stations try to out do each other in 24/7 coverage of the Queen's life. Eat your third Jubilee pudding. Princess Anne rides winner at the Epsom Derby. 

Everything and everyone everywhere is red, white and blue. Brian May on top of Nelson's Column. Nicolas Witchell collapses from excess sychophantasia. Prince Andrew tries to appear on the balcony as Red Arrows fly past. Igame of the Queen projected onto Big Ben just like that Gail Porter one. Cliff Richard defrosted from cryogenic storage to sing 'Congratulations'. It rains for 48 hours. 

Become nostalgic for 1952. Finally get the barbecue lit. Burgers burnt to buggery. Daily Mail runs front page article on how Meghan has ruined it by being there / not being there. Union Jack bowler hat being used as portable urinals. Street party keeps you awake till 4am. 

And after eating a dodgy spam kebab, you'll end the celebrations with an 'annus horriblis' just like her Madge had in 1992.

 

 

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