Grace Under Pressure 2

 Over the next few weeks, as part of our midweek worship, we are hoping to do a series of 'meet the ministers', part of which will include choosing a song to take to said tropical paradise. This will be my choice, a song that got me through some dark days, uploaded here in two versions. First is the original which I had on constant repeat for a period back in 2014 and a newly discovered laid back reworking that its just sublime. Enjoy, because after all 'on a good day....'      

  In a world exclusive, Grace Under Pressure is the first virtually true on line blog to reveal that Arlene Foster has been forced to resign as leader of the Democratic Unionist Party and as NI first minister after it was discovered that she is actually Paul Merton living a double life . Many had thought that the tumbleweed drifting across the stage set for the latest series of Have I Got News For You when supposedly humerous asides fell to the floor like lead balloons was due to the lack of a live audience. Today it can be revealed that due to the pressures of living life in lockdown Merton had become so confused as to who he/she/they actually was, that  he/she/they had started to deliver political policy to Ian Hislop and priceless puns to the collective opposition in Stormont. Whilst suspicions had been raised at the limited frequency with which Arlene Foster and Paul Merton had ever been seen together in the same room, the news of this confusing double life has send shock...

Following the demise of Prince Philip and in a bid to make the monarchy more sexy for the 21st century the Firm has decided it is now the moment for Prince Andrew to step back into the public spotlight as it announces that the Duke of Ediburgh award is to be replaced by the 'Prince Andrew Teenage Reward Scheme', in which Andrew will personally supervise youth pursuits and quite possibly persue youths. With Charles too old, Anne to stern, Edward too soft, William too bald and Harry not allowed by Meghan, it has fallen to the only Royal standing, one who according to a popular song has already had 10,000 men, to do his bit for the Crown. Grace Under Pressure understand that Andrew plans to be very 'hands on' with this new venture which will offer badges for tying knots in silk hankerchiefs, how to dress to look older and keeping a secret. In order to qualify for the Gold award, participents will be expected to share in a weekend of bondage, sorry that should have read bo...

The Today program, the Archers, Desert Island Discs, MoneyBox, The Shipping Forecast and You and Yours have today abandoned plans to form a European super league of Radio programs following a host of telephone calls, e mails and texts from livid listeners.  Fans of Book at Bedtime, Just a Minute, Women's Hour and The News Quiz all objected vorciferously to the prospect of being permenantly relegated to the 1st division of radio broadcasts with no possibility of promotion to the premier league of European daytime radio. Amongst the radio programs across the EU That had signalled they were ready to sign up to this new venture were Italian radio favourites, 'Pasta Passion' and 'Vespa Vignettes', Spanish sitcom, 'Time for a Siesta' and its popular consumer favourite 'Costa Packet', whilst French radio had hoped to contribute 'Vin Diesel', a program that reviews appauling wines that taste like car fuel presented by a bald muscle bound film ...

 Unnoticed by many, the United Kingdon passed a historic land mark today with the number of fatalities from Covid 19 finally exceeding the number of deaths in Midsomer.  Over its 23 seasons, during which it has seen house prices in the area absolutely plummet , first Detective Chief Inspector Tom Barnaby, and then his cousin  DCI John Barnaby have as a family unit single handedly failed to prevent more murders than he's had hot dinners, begining with the killing at Badger's Drift back in 1997.  Amongst the fatalities that the Barbaby Boys' have been unable to prevent are being crushed to death by tins of relish after a forklift truck chase, being electrocuted whilst holding on to a microphone during a rock concert, being tied to a bullseye in the garden and catapulted with bottles of wine, being bitten by snakes in a room full of snakes, strangled whilst attempting to fix some sabotaged automatic doors, killed by a “meteorite” during a total eclipse, hit by a tyre fr...

With Manchester City's hopes of the quadruple shattered following their FA Cup semi final defeat by Chelsea, the question on every football fans lips is will it be their arch rival from Manchester United, Ryan Giggs, who ends up with a domestic double by the end of the season?  Still it's probably not the highlight on his CV is it!!

For the past few days, whenever I have been out driving in the car, I have been listening to Australian singer songwriter Paul Kelly. And this track in particular has become a bit of an ear worm. The accompanying video contains a pretty awful series of images, but the tune itself is a great toe tapper especially before, and possibly during,  a six hour synod on zoom that lies ahead.   The fix is in, we should have known It was always there from the start Deep within, so slow and strong Working its way to the heart One day you notice a change And then nothing's the same I'll be your lover now, baby don't deny it I'll be your lover now, money couldn't buy this You crossed your mouth to keep mine shut My timing was never that good But I couldn't stand to see you mixed up With a faker who kept his cards hid I stayed in the game 'til the end Waiting for my big hand I'll be your lover now, money couldn't buy this I'll be your lover now...

In a controversial move that will vex vicars, worry wardens and confuse curates, the Church of England has announced plans to introduce a rule that at least one candidate on its shortlists for senior Church of England posts must "not believe in God or something or someone bigger out there or something like that." "We know this will ruffle some feathers", said Church of England chief believer, Archbishop of Canterbury, Wustin Jelby, who had earlier admitted in an exclusive interview to Grace Under Pressure's saintly scribe that he'd only applied for the job because of the big house, the bling and the chance to conduct secret Royal weddings."  "But if we in the church want to broaden our appeal to the general public then the time is right for immediate action to include non-believers, heretics, blasphemers and general atheists in our power base. It's something we used to do in the good old days but then we decided to burn them all as witches. Unf...

Have you ever sat back and wondered just what or who was behind the leaking of personal and private text messages between Prime Minister Boris Johnson and inventor extraordinaire Sir James Dyson? No, neither have I because just like you dear reader, Grace Under Pressure's very own dirt bag is trying to reanimate his life by breathing fresh air back into a deflated existence. But according to rumours circulating at the time of going to press, it cannot be mere coincidence that these text messages have become public less than 24 hours after previously unseen photographs of the 2.6million pound Downing Street briefing room, or 'Boris' Blunder' as its known amongst the press, were revealed. Pictures in which cleaning staff were clearly seen to be using a Henry Hoover. It was according to the man going to be the answer to the UK's ventilator problems at the start of the Covid pandemic a photo that left him gasping for air. It appears that Sir James Dyson, inventor of suc...

Unable to quench his unquenchable thirst to appear relevant, after 12 months of hiding on the front bench and providing no visible or vocal opposition whatsoever, Sir Keir Starmer became the first person to be banned from a pub almost before pubs had even managed to properly open.  Rod Humphreys, landlord of The Raven public house in Bath, perveyor of fine ales and salty snacks, spoke exclusively to Grace Under Pressure's tea total typist. "One minute I was out in the beer garden serving two quinoa salads and a half of shandy made from award winning Bulgarian Bitter to a couple of burly builders on their lunchbreak," he explained, "when suddenly there was a right old kerfuffle and this 'Keith Stammer' chap was trying to help himself to a pint of Old Perculiar inside the pub." "When I told him that we were only in stage 2 of the governments roadmap out of lockdown and as such could only serve seated customers in a suitable outdoor surrounding, he sud...

Having failed to win the Premiership, Champions League, FA Cup, the Bet Fred Carling Hikarumba Cup and even Manager of the Year during his 17 month spell in charge of Tottenham Hotspur, Olay Maureen E'oh is said to be bitterly disappinted this morning not to be given the opportunity to lead Spurs to not winnning the newly proposed European Super League. Speaking to Grace under pressure's very own keepy uppy king, Olay Maureen E'oh lamented that it just wasn't fair that he hadn't been allowed to play with the big boys and now had to content himself with counting his reported £2 million pound pay off until getting back on the manergerial merry-go-round in roughly six months time. Sacked by Chelsea twice, by Real Madrid and also by Manchester United, financial experts estimate that Olay Maureen E'oh has probably earned more money from his failures than he ever did actually winning stuff, which is not a bad way to earn a living. Do something, be judged to h...

With the staggering success of the Covid 19 vaccine roll out program and a proposed traffic light system giving the go ahead for a little foreign jolly later in the summer, Bernard Butler has been quick to hit the brochures, with his main criteria for chosing a summer sorte being the number of British bars serving a full English breakfast in his resort of choice.  Speaking to Grace Under Pressure's very own bronzed beach babe, Bernard explained, "It's often quite difficult to chose between the delights of Magaluf, Corfu, Aya Napa, Fuengarola or the Algarve so its good to focus on the essentials of a holiday abroad. Slap up fried breakfasts, proper tea bags in the local shop, Sky Sports on in the local taverna, the Sun, that's the paper not how hot it is and fellow hotel guests who wouldn't look out of place in an episode of the TV show Benidorm." "Don't get me wrong I do like a bit of culture as long as it comes in a bottle and doesn't cost more t...

  If the Queen was able to travel the short distance to St George's chapel in the back of a Bentley with her lady in waiting, Lady Sarah Hussey, then surely she could have had the same person sat near her to offer some comfort and consolation yesterday during the funeral?