21st April Kier in the community

Unable to quench his unquenchable thirst to appear relevant, after 12 months of hiding on the front bench and providing no visible or vocal opposition whatsoever, Sir Keir Starmer became the first person to be banned from a pub almost before pubs had even managed to properly open. 

Rod Humphreys, landlord of The Raven public house in Bath, perveyor of fine ales and salty snacks, spoke exclusively to Grace Under Pressure's tea total typist. "One minute I was out in the beer garden serving two quinoa salads and a half of shandy made from award winning Bulgarian Bitter to a couple of burly builders on their lunchbreak," he explained, "when suddenly there was a right old kerfuffle and this 'Keith Stammer' chap was trying to help himself to a pint of Old Perculiar inside the pub."

"When I told him that we were only in stage 2 of the governments roadmap out of lockdown and as such could only serve seated customers in a suitable outdoor surrounding, he suddenly became all animated like a Thunderbirds puppet as if desperate to get his face on the news. When I continued to explain the situation he simply said...'But don't you know who I am?'  to which the crowd that had quickly assembled answered in unison...No, who are you?"

"What's worse is that when our security guard searched his pockets we discovered two packets of pork scratchings and a cocktail shaker. It seems some people will just do anything to get attention. Unfortunately this all ended in tears rather than beers."