Grace Under Pressure 2

A 59 year old man from Hucknall, Nottinghamshire is reported to be somewhat confused that King Charles is encouraging all his subjects to swear as part of his coronation celebrations.  Speaking in an exclusive to Grace Under Pressure's very own potty mouthed printer, the 59 year old who wished to remain anonymous and who will thus re referred to Mr C Unt, revealed, "I don't know the whole story or the reasoning behind it, I just caught Naga Munchetti saying something about how Charles wanted us all to swear on his big day."  "It must be all about the new style of monarchy he's trying to bring in cause I don't remember Queen Elizabeth encouraging us all to 'eff and jeff' in public not even when her favourite son turned out to be a nonce. And I know Charles has been under pressure but to unleash a torrent of expletives that would make a trooper blush just because a pen didn't work properly was pretty severe." "Still if thats what the C...

Today I have been getting my toddle well and truly on. With the kitchen at East Side almost done (just floor, blinds, painting, gas leak and kettle to sort out) I thought I'd just crack on and get stuff together to set up a Bumps and Babies group. This going to be aimed at parents/ carers / guardians and their under 2's mainly because I hope there will be a need for that age group and also to avoid hordes of children running wild in quite a small space. This has involved almost breaking the internet with a gazzion approaches to people on Facebook Marketplace who were selling unrequired items that would be a great asset to the group. And with the areas around both Hucknall and Matlock in my sights I have managed to splash the cash. Not that a great deal of cash needed to be spashed to pick up some real bargains (and I have to admit the occasional turkey). Amongst my new shiny trinkets and baubles are things to touch, things to explore, things to move, things to make a noise, thi...

Its interesting how sometimes the most popular songs of an artist are not neccesarily your own particular favourites. Over the past few days I have been having a Brucie moment, that's Springsteen not Forsythe just in case you were wondering, by trying to put together a faviourite top 20.  It has proved an impossible task, being a list that constantly seems to change almost daily. And also one that would omit many of what would be regarded a die hard classics by 'Th Boss''. So today I have decided to upload three songs from Bruce's back cataloge which would never make a Top 20, but which I simply love and have often been known to play on repeat cycle. So sit back an enjoy One Step Up, Man's Job and Happy.     When I look at myself I don't see The man I wanted to be Somewhere along the line I slipped off track I'm caught movin' one step up and two steps back     Now if you're lookin' for a hero Someone to save the day Well darlin' my feet T...

A leaked memo from the government institute for More Mad Mayhem has revealed that if you were one of literally hundreds of thousands of people who didnt receive an emergency alert last Sunday it's because basically you are not worth saving. So if you were one of the thousands of people to immediatley go to your keyboard to vent your frustration on social media at 5 mins past 3 on Sunday, your frustration was all in vain. No one is listening to you. Speaking anonymously to Grace Under Pressure, Triple M boffin, Lan D'line revealed, "It's all about trying to actually cut down the cost and ensure that only the cream of the crop survive any apocolyptic event. It's a bit like Darwinian selection in which the amount of G's that your phone has or is able to receive determines your chance of survival."  "Basically anyone who doesn't have a mobile phone at all stands zero chance of surviving any major emergency event anywhere in the UK. Then because of the...

A man who mistakenly jumped into the back seat of James Corden's Discovery Landrover thinking it was his Uber ride is today entering the second day of what he is describing as a 'hostage situation' trapped inside the moving vehicle Grace Under Pressure has recieved a virtual text from back seat captive Barry Trivett which reads, " Please contact LAPD with immediate effect. Rescue mission required. Trapped in the back seat of James Corden's car as he drives aimlessly around the streets of Beverley Hills singing snippets of random songs to himself. The child locks are even on." "Who does he think I am? He just keeps asking to me sing in an endless loop of chirpy, cheeky chappie bollocks. I am a fan of Carpool Kareoke as much s the next person but you try convincing Corden I'm not one of the Backstreet Boys. He's having a breakdown and I'm in need of his car to have a breakdown. I'll swear I'll slap him if he doesn't stop." At th...

 

In an act requiring the utmost level of discipline and self control a 59 yr old pedestrian plodder from Hucknall, Nottinghamshire spent all of yesterday desperatly trying not to be inspired by the heroics of the 43,000 people running the London Marathon.  He tried hard not to appreciate the level of enjoyment shown on the faces of the thousands of runners,many of whom like himself didn't actually appear to be running for some of the time. He strove to dispell from his mind the vast amounts of money raised for various charities and how many people ran in memory of loved ones.  He tried not to giggle when someone called 'Kelvin' came across the line in first place. He especially attempted to remove from every level of subconscious the mere thought that this might be a 'fun' challenge to attempt for someone celebrating their 60th birthday next year. He tried very, very hard to do all those things from the comfort of his arm chair remembering as he sat there that having...

An absolute aural treat for Sunday morning. This is just utterly sublime. Rufus Wainright and John Legend combining together for a breathtaking version of the Peggy Seegar song 'Heading for Home. I've said enough...just enjoy the bliss.      

  Telephone responder: Hello Samaritans, how can we help you? Ann Onymous: I've arrived at synod an hour early and I've already lost the will to live

I'm not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going, not going....oh I've gone.

A combination of holidays and various meetings has meant that today has been the first day since the clocks changed at the end of March that I have been able to go out on an evening run with one of the two running clubs I occasionally grace with my pedestrian plodding. And at the end of a day of paperwork, form filling and people bickering over 1st world problems it was a much needed escape. And what a lovely evening to run on alongside four other humans and three canines. There was a nip in the air as we assembled at the start of the run at the Newstead Abbey gates but as soon as we got moving on the nearly 5 mile route that vanished and was quickly replaced by the usual blood, sweat and tears. With hardly a cloud in the sky and the sun bathing the fields in a golden glow and sending shafts of light through the trees it was lovely. Well as lovely as running ever gets trailing along at the back of a  5 human three dog caterpillar. And surprisingly having run this self same route on...

It is always a dilemma when planning One's coronation as to which of One's possible coronation coaches One chooses for the big event, whilst managing not to come across as privileged, aloof and out of touch with One's subjects. Welcome to the right royal riddle confronting King Charles and Queen Kermillaaaaaaaa for their big day on May 6th. Should one choose the Gold State Coach, designed by William Chambers and made by the coachmaker Samuel Butler in 1760, which has been used in every coronation since the 1830s but whose supension hasn't been updated in the last 260 years?  Or should one ride in the Diamond Jubilee coach first seen in 2014 and featuring materials taken from over 100 historic sites: the seat handrails are from the Royal Yacht Britannia, and the window frames and interior panels include pieces from Caernarfon Castle, Canterbury Cathedral, The Mary Rose (Henry VIII’s flagship), 10 Downing Street, and the Antarctic bases of Captain Scott and Sir Ernest...

Finding myself in the middle of yet another midlife crisis, one that is expected to last 48hrs or so, I thought it was time for another little tune. This time one that deals with a subject that appears to be affecting more and more people, that of mental health. This is yet another delicious offering by The National simply called ' Your mind is not your friend'. And sometimes when it keeps me awake into the small hours, it really isn't.     Don't you understand? Your mind is not your friend again It takes you by the hand And leaves you nowhere You feel it in your nerves It's choking out the sun    

 A distressed and rather confused viewer from Hucknall has contacted Grace Under Pressure to ask why the Northumbrian Police had to hunt Roald Dahl in the way that it did after watching the first episode of the mini series on ITV last night. Speaking in what the media are describing as a virtually true interview, 78 yr old Harry Knowles explained, "I know he's got into trouble recently for using racial stereotypes and language that might seem offensive today but thats no reason to launch the biggest manhunt in UK history to hunt him down. And the actor on TV didn't look anything like Roald Dahl if you ask me but I guess thats ITV for you, spending all their program budget on flying Ant and Dec to DisneyWorld."  "I can't say I've ever read Matilda, The BFG or even James and the Giant Peach but surely to God they can't be as offensive as that shite David Walliams seems to churn out every couple of months. Now he is someone the police should be after....

I know the idea of going away on a little jolly is that you are supposed to come back feeling refreshed and ready to go. I appear to have come back with my batteries exhausted and feeling ready for the knacker's yard. TOM isn't doing much better either but at his age he perhaps has more of an excuse than me.  I don't think we did anything particularly strenuous and yet we have both returned to the hustle and bustle of catching up with work / reading the Daily Mail from cover to cover (TOM not me!!!) feeling cream crackered. I need a holiday to get over the holiday. Yesterday on my first day back I did the Bestwood Village Park Run, the first time I had attempted any running due to a niggling hip for a couple of weeks. And let's just say it was the usual struggle. So much so that I have deferred attempting to complete (I almost typed compete in) the Hathersage Hurtle at the end of May until 2024. I could have simply walked the 20 mile route but with a waiting list of peo...

    Enough said...

  And today that's just what we did as we retraced our steps from the north Yorkshire coast to Matlock via a stop off in the market town of Beverley. Not for any particular reason except it broke up the journey and made a good place to have a wee. Not that, as far as either of us is aware, Beverley is rated particularly high in the best places in Yorkshire to stop for a p%£s, (or even take the p%£s) but having done just that we would both probably give it a score of 4.8 / 5 With bladders emptied we decided to give the minster a miss and instead had a mooch about the high street, bought a book and a sexy silk shirt. Apart from that it was a relatively smooth trip home. No toys thrown out of the pram to cause chaos on the carriage way and we arrived back home safe and sound just in time for an afternoon siesta, which is just how any good holiday should end.

First he did, then he didn't. Today he decided he did. So instead of just going to Goethland station in the middle of nowhere on the North Yorkshire moors to stand and watch a steam train go past, we went to Goethland station in the middle of nowhere on the North Yorkshire moors to get on a steam train for the short trip to Whitby. As featured on the TV program, the North Yorkshire Moor Railway is one of innumeable heritage railway lines up and down the land, this one running from Pickering to the fish and chip capital of the north east coast, Whitby. And whilst there were options for those able to splash th cash and enjoy the entire trip in a restored Pullman carriage whilst devouring a three course meal, we went for the cheap option in a carriage that had seen better days.  The route itself wasn't particularly spectacular and we seemed to spend almost as much time stopped at the two stations on route as we did actually moving but as TOM explained the spectacle of such railway...

I appear to have entered a mini time warp here in Scarborough (well it is Yorkshire so perhaps thats not too unexpected) with my blog getting out of synch with the real world by a day. Perhaps I forgot to upload a post but whatever the reason its been rather discombobulating. But not quite as discombobulating as todays jolly to the Stephen Joseph Theatre to see 'Comedy of Errors' which was not quite the Shakespeare epic either of us had expected. Rather it was a modern interpretation of the bard's classic that stuck very loosely to the Shakespearian plot but which set the story in the mid 1980's and involved a bitter rivalry between people of Lancashire (well Prescott, Mersyside actually) and the good folks of Scarborough, complete with 1980's soundtrack including Madonna, Billy Joel, Whitesnake and even Nik Kershaw which very cleverly matched the various interwoven strands of the plot Performed in the round by an ensemble cast who sang, danced and played a variety ...

At the beginning of this particular upload I promise I won't mention the nose bleed from hell that happened just as we were going to bed last night. Save to say that there is one person on the little trip (him) who owes the other person on this trip (me) a LOT for simply being a lifesaver. Simples. In fact it wouldn't surprise me if I ended up on the King's NY honours list because of my deed. As for today, well a much needed change to the weather than heralded our arrival here in sodden Scarborough yesterday meant that after a sedate boiled egg breakfast we could enjoy a leisurely stroll and sunshine soaked coffee along the prom, having made full use of TOM's new status as a blue badge holder. This should not be confused with TOM being a Blue Peter badge holder, which I think would be a suitable anecdote for an episode of WILTY. Then it was a 20 mile drive down the coast  to Bridlington where the plight of disabled visitors didn't appear to be of as much concern to ...

Today TOM and I am off on our jollies to north Yorshire to have a few days rest after the frantic nature of Holy Week and Easter. Our destination is Scarborough and a lovely AirBnB but before all that we headed under leaden skies to the National Railway Museum in York. This is I have to admit something that is on TOM's bucket list rather than on any list of things I'd like to do before I turn 60. Or any age. And to be honest I think we both found it a tad of a disappoinment. TOM because it wasn't like previous visits he had made and me well because it was just a hanger full of static trains that you couldn't really do much with apart from look at them or inside them. And with several that you were invited to look 'inside' it seemed a shame that the lights hadn't been switched on!! I was quite surprised at how uninteractive the whole thing was especially given the age of technology we all appear to love it. No touch screens, no press this or pull that. Even t...

Those were the words of Glen and Samantha Butterworth after the miraculous sight of their 9 year old son Drew managing to be awake, up and dressed before 8 am this morning.  Appearing several hours earlier than expected, Drew made the effort to rise from the dead at this unearthly hour in order to maximize the intake of sugar he can possible cram into the day via a variety of chocolate Easter goodies. Informing his Mum he just wanted eggs for breakfast, Drew quickly informed her that he wasn't talking about boiled, fried, scrambled or even poached but rather a packet of mini eggs. He then revealed his plan to just eat eggs through the entire day, interspersed with sugar-fuelled episodes of running manically around the house, knocking things over, making as much noise as possible and eventually being sick in the dog's basket. The annoyingly hyperactive state will continue until well past his usual bedtime and the promise of a restless night filled of chocolate filled nightmares....

Sensitive souls who shop at Sainbury's are demanding that their new vaccum packed dollops of minced animal insides should be presented in a more aesthetically pleasing way. Sainbury's attempts to be more enviromentally conscious have been met with anger by its carniverous customers who upon inspecting the new vac-packed mince now filling it's chiller cabinets, are fuming that the product now resembles something that could use as a transplant rather than something that has been pushed through an industrial meat grinder. Concerned consumer, Illavitt Rare, spoke to Grace Under Pressure at her local Arnold branch of Sainsburys and explained, "When I purchase bits of dead animal, that has been bred and raised specifically to be killed at an unusually young age by an electric bolt through the head, I want its ground up constituents to look pretty. You know in those thin wavy lines that break up ever so nicely when I'm making Spag Bol. I don't want a congealed glob ...

On Wednesday night I had a little jolly up to Sutton in Ashfield for my tea.  Not because I had received an invite from one of the flock or even that I had been recommended an exiting new Italian bistro (not sure S in A has those) but rather to go along to FoodCycle beign run at the Magdalene Centre. FoodCycle is an organisation that aims to connect communities, support mental health, wellbeing and reduce loneliness, nourish the hungry, promote sustainability and inspire change by using food that would be otherwise thrown away by supermarkets to provide a FREE three course meal for anyone who wants to come along to spend an hour enjoying food and fellowship with others. Pre Covid we were able to provide a regular Friday lunch for up to 80 people but post lockdown whilst we still have the space and the catering kitchen, we no longer have the able bodies with enough 'umph' to restart it again. By linking up with FoodCycle, we are really hoping that will be able to provide the hos...

In breaking news Grace Under Pressure can reveal that former dental hygeinist Ann Lesley Smith has dramatically called off her engagement to 92 year old Rupert Murdock upon receiving the results of his latest annual health check. Far from being diagnosed with a life limiting condition, doctors have declared Mr Murdock to be in extremely rude health which came as quite a rude shock to Ms Smith. Upon discovering he had the heart of a 45 year old, the aereobic fitness of a 30 year old and far more worryingly the libido of an 18 year old, the former dental hygeinist suddenly developed a very sour taste in her mouth upon realising she might actually have to be married to Mr Murdock for weeks, months and even years. From the outside looking on, many have struggled with the 26 year age gap between the couple but Grace Under Pressure fully understands that such a chronological separtion is no obstacle to true love, especially when it involves marrying a man well into his 9th decade.  After...

No I'm only joking. Well perhaps not about the children. Or about the craft. Put the two together....wow, it's a recipe for chaos Or maybe its just me and the craft that I chose to do which involved glue. Glue that didn't appear to stick anything or certainly not anything to where it should have stuck. Yesterday we had an Easter Craft morning at one of my churches, one that we had tried to run family fun mornings before with limited success / attendance. So my hopes were not exactly high only to discover people actually there 20 mins before we were due to open and already beign let loose in amongst the various activities. Obviously word has spread and before we knew it we had 16 parents / guardians / carers and what seemed to be twice as many hyper children!! My task was to make an Easter Bunny from a paper cup and a variety of things, that in the quiet of my study and when done by me with care, time and patience, all stuck where they were supposed to stick. My third attemp...

  As donations to Battersea Dogs and Cats home reached £100,000 since the death of Paul O'Grady late last week, other animal charities have been wondering if it might also be in their interest for their supporting celebrity to kick the bucket.  O Grady helped to promote the profile of the rescue centre during the 11 TV series he presented, during which he often hinted of his love of a cock or two. Sorry that should have read cockapoo. Geeup Neddy, founder 'Not for Glue', the charity for retired Blackpool donkeys spoke exclusively to Grace Under Pressure and revealed, '"As much as we all love Dame Maggie Smith and all the passion that she brings to our fund raising activities each year during the annual 'Race to the Tower', I can't help but wonder just how much we might actually raise when she takes her final cutain call and exits stage left for the last time".  "I'm not suggesting she does anything drastic to you know shorten her life but ...

Just a quick 'hello' from out lovely Easter Holiday here in the port of Dover. Admiring the truly breathtaking panorama of gridlocked coaches, cars and lorries stretching as far as the eye can see. It truly is one of the wonders of the world bcause I've certainly been wondering for the past eight hours 'what the f&%k is going on? This place really has got everything you need, well apart toilets, food, and all the things I was led to believe the holiday I booked would have. Still its been great for moral building to see who can fill a plastic bottle with wee without spillling any. So far it's Aunty Gladys!! There are all sorts of people here; hen do's, children from posh private schools off on a skiing jolly, the WI trip to the vineyards of Bordeaux and Eastern European truck drivers who have just dropped off their latest load of illegal immigrants just outside Canterbury. And all thanks to the French, or Brexit, or a strike or just the wrong kind of water ...

A Saturday night in downtown Nottingham is one that on many occasions will be filled with passion. And that was my aim as I jumped aboard the tram and headed into the city or as the local would mysteriously say, 'up town'; to have a passionate encounter.  Not I hasten to add after drinking a skin full of gassy lager and gorging on a spicy kebab but rather in the hallowed confines of St Mary's Chuch in the Lace Market area of the city as the converted and the curious gathered to watch the Nottingham Passion, an interpetation of the last week of Jesus' life. The two performances on Friday and Saturday night were both sold out which made me wonder why its 'run' hadn't been extended. And the £5 tickets (not the reported 30 pieces of silver) were a bargain. It cost me almost as much to travel in on the tram. The staging and lighting attempted to make the most of the impressive space but if I am honest, I thought it lacked passion. Perhaps I know the story too wel...