27th April Not alert enough


A leaked memo from the government institute for More Mad Mayhem has revealed that if you were one of literally hundreds of thousands of people who didnt receive an emergency alert last Sunday it's because basically you are not worth saving. So if you were one of the thousands of people to immediatley go to your keyboard to vent your frustration on social media at 5 mins past 3 on Sunday, your frustration was all in vain. No one is listening to you.

Speaking anonymously to Grace Under Pressure, Triple M boffin, Lan D'line revealed, "It's all about trying to actually cut down the cost and ensure that only the cream of the crop survive any apocolyptic event. It's a bit like Darwinian selection in which the amount of G's that your phone has or is able to receive determines your chance of survival." 

"Basically anyone who doesn't have a mobile phone at all stands zero chance of surviving any major emergency event anywhere in the UK. Then because of the governments ability to view how we use our phone, further cuts can be made according to the data we have."

"Anyone who for example uses their phone to watch a bit of pornography in the House of Commons like a Tory MP might, is very unlikely to stop mid w&%k if a 10 second buzzer goes off on their phone. So they didn't get the alert. Then anyone with mobility issues who would struggle to get up out of their chair would not be able to scarper quick enough from an in rushing Tsunami, so they are off the list."

"People in receipt of benefits are happier to spend their money on fags, booze and scratch cards rather than constantly upgrade their phone to the latest model everytime one comes out. The only G's they are interested in is the Gee Gees. So we excluded them as well." 

At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure would also suggest adding to that list anyone planning on voting Conservative at the next election, as surely thats another group that shouldn't be saved especially after how they have dealt with most of the emergencies in peoples lives recently."


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