27th May Can I have a 99 please

Local ice cream man, Ivor Cornett, is worried that if the current spell of hot weather continues he might actually have to buy some ice cream to sell rather than his usual offering of weed, ketamine and valium.

Regularly heard touring local neighbourhoods, the sound of Ebeneezer Goode by the Shamen having replaced the more usual melodic nursery rhyme based tunes, the ice cream van has been the perfect cover for his door to door delivery of 'pharmaceuticals' even in the depths of winter when anyone out on the streets actually wanting to buy ice cream must already be off their tits on something.

Speaking in an exclusive to Grace Under Pressure's very own Raspberry Ripple loving reporter, Ivor Cornett revealed, "Normally the parent are in no fit state to even notice the van is around never mind come to it, but the kids have been trained like Pavlov's dog to respond to the music. So they do the leg work, get a 99, a Rocket lolly or a Screwball as well as an under the counter supply of 'goodies' for mummy and daddy."

"But with all this hot weather I've actually had people coming to the van and just wanting ice cream. Everybody doing it. Normally when people ask for a 'double scoop' or 'sauce on that' well its just code for the under the counter stuff. Who would have thought that an Oyster Shell wafer would have been more popular than a couple of E's. The world's gone mad."