25th July Does my bum look big in this?

A wave of shock horror almost as large in size as that generated when it was revealed that Nigel Farage was not a particularly nice man by Coutts bank last week, has swept up and down the length of the UK after scientists revealed that wearing an outfit made entirely of black cloth has no effect on bathroom scales whatsoever.

Down through the centuries many people have claimed that black, whilst being a sign of grief and the go to outfit for your local Goth, is a colour that makes people slim. Now this has been debunked by science as being simply a visual illusion and has no actuall effect on the amount of mass contained within that outfit

Speaking on guarantee of anonymity, a 36 year old woman from Hucknall who we shall simply call, Kebab Karen, revealed, " I know people kept telling me that maybe I should cut down on the Greggs sausage rolls, the beer, the dougnuts, the crisp, the cakes and the pies and maybe take up a bit of exercise or calorie control."

"But I always assumed that just putting on something black made me slimmer. You know actually slimmer. Now I'm being told it doesn't cause me to actually lose any weight. I'm going to have to have a pasty to get over the shock of that."

"95% of my wardrobe is black, you know tops, leggings, small tents. And I always feel better putting them on but I'm flubbergatsed to discover I don't lose a pound or two everytime I do it. It just doesn't seem right. I mean I did look at a can of Diet coke once but came over all dizzy. I've never contemplated it again.""

At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure can confirm that such visual illusions are not confined to one gender. British men have also fallen victim to the illusion that sucking their beer bellies in whilst holding their breath for 20 seconds transforms tham into an adonis complete with rock-hard six-pack hiding under their shirts.