17th May Oh what a lovely pair you 'ave Missis

 


Just when you might have expected it was impossible to heap any more pressure onto the shoulders of student studying for GCSE and A levels, Grace Under Pressure can reveal news that the educational achievement bar has been raised even higher. 

No longer are students concerned whether their grades will be enough to secure them a place at a 6th form college or university of their choice (preferable one that is not just a polytechnic by another name) but their main thought is now will they be good enough to stand a chance of qualifying for the new Suella Bravaman career option of APF or Apprectice Fruit Picker.

This job which was pre Brexit done by a seasonal migrant workforce, has like a turd that has been rolled in glitter, now been relaunched by Ms Braverman as the go to career for high flyers. Offered a starting salary of just under £6 an hour, what the job lack in fincncial renumeration it more than makes up for the sense of satisfaction of knowing you are playing a vital role in the post Brexit boom that is benefitting the whole nation.

At the time of going to press, Grace Under Pressure understands that Oxbridge and red brick universties are bracing themselves for what many are predicting will by a cataclysmic drop in applicants with student now questioning why they should spend three years racking up life changing debt when they could literally and metaphorically just aim for the low hanging fruit and score an easy win.

It is hoped that as a result of this new Apprentice Fruit Picking opportunity, one available only to the under 18's (as they can't vote) that the UK will very soon have a work force that will be the laughing stock, sorry envy of the world.




 


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