27th December Former fatties fan flames of footballer fitness furore


Former footballing fatties are up in arms today over the decision taken by Manchester City to only pick players who are fit enough and thin enough, claiming that the club is now being run by a bunch of woke leftie liberals out to ruin the beautiful game. 

This follows the decision of City supremo Pep Guardiloa not to pick rolly poly Kalvin Phillips after he returned from World Cup duty looking as if he had spent the entire tournament eating for Eng-er-land rather than playing football for Eng-er-land.

Speaking in a full fat interview to Grace Under Pressure, former frontman Paul 'The Paunch' Parkinson explained, "Back in the day the burger van did most of its trade during the half time break. Not with custom from the crowd but from the order coming from the home dressing room." 

"I mean if the gaffer wants me to throw my weight about up front then it helped to have a bit of extra ballast. Nowadays if you're a couple of stones overweight and are panting for breathe bending down to tie your laces, well the toys come out the pram. These modern footballers managers want so little body fat they can see their players ribs, whereas in my day they just wanted to see me eating ribs. Smothered in BBQ sauce"

Midfield general Steve 'Snackette' Simmonds joined in the debate online adding, "I would often tuck a pasty or a sausage roll down my socks in case I got a bit peckish in the second half. And if I got played out on the wing and wasn't getting the ball, I would often cadge a fag off one of the supporters. The crowd didn't need to chant Who ate all the pies? cause it was bleedin' obvious."

"Personally I feel sorry for Kalvin Phillips. Back in the day being called the Pilsbury Dough Boy would have made him a cult favourite with the crowds. Mind you I suppose those clown shoes have already done that for him."

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