9th August When the glitter fades

 

Resident of Birmingham Tommy Shelby, woke up today wondering, if just like in the 1970's TV show Dallas, it had all been a dream, one that involved Ozzy Osborne standing in a shower cubicle belting out paranoid to a crowd of very bemused althetes from across the Commonwealth.

With the colour, crowds and carnival atmosphere disappearing almost over night Mr Shelby removed his peaked cap and questioned whether watching women's hockey, lawn green bowls, synchronised budgie smuggling, watching a girl catch a hula hoop with her foot and the BBC commentary team trying to insert their collective heads up Adam Peaty's backside really did have him on the edge of his seat for over 14hrs a day?

Standing in a deserted Victoria Square, the bull has already been stipped by opportunistic thieves leaving behind what resembles disgarded pieces of a giant Meccano set. The famous canals no longer glint in the early morning sunshine  like ribbons of molten silver but move like sludge filled scars on the landscape filled with disgarded shopping rolleys and stolen bikes. The beach volleyball area has already been soiled by dog turds and burnt out portable barbeques. And the chiselled male and female adonis' who could be seen strolling the cities streets like Greek Gods for the past few weeks have been replaced by beer swillin' and burger munchin' Bob and Tayna Trotter, who together could front the government campain warning against obesity.

And as Alexandre stadium is once again transformed from a 35,000 seat cauldron of noise and athletic prowess to its usual capacity fit for mums and dads forced to drive their kids cross country to athletics meets on damp Saturdays, for a brief 15 mins of fame, Birmingham contains more unused scaffolding that the entire rest oft he Commonwealth. 

As for the glitter from the jewellry quarter, well let's just hope at the end of the day it doesn't turn out to be fools gold. But at least the rest of the country can finally stop having to pretend that the Birmingham accents we have been forced to endure was 'easy on the ears'.