28th August Better the devil you know?

With Liz Truss garnering both laughter and lothing in equal amounts for her comment that the jury was still out on whether Emmanual Macron was a friend or foe of Great Britain, her opponent in the race to be the next person to f%^* everyone up in the UK, Rishi Sunak is apparently also edging his bets.

In an interview with Dermot and Alison on Good Morning Britain, diminuative Rishi got on his soap box to promise that should he be elected PM, he will go all Henry V and invade France within a month of assuming office. Later on Loose Women he seemed to contradict himself by admitting he had not only embraced several aspects of French culture but had always secretly wanted to adopt Emmanuel Macron.

Meanwhile in the last husting before the Tory membership choses the lesser of two evils, Liz and Rishi have been pulling out all the stops to woo potential voters. Former chancellor Rishi Sunak is promising that everyone in the UK will be allowed a 2 min supermarket sweep (Waitrose and M&S excluded) during which time they will be able to cram as many items as they can into the smallest basket available. Liz Truss, the still Foreign Secretary, on the other hand is offering potential voters any three items from the middle aisle in Lidl.

Having promised to cut tax, reduce inflation, give Putin a right good kicking, reduce the cost of living crisis, give everyone the moon on a stick and a bag of magic beans, should the contest end in a draw, the victor will be determined via a final winner takes all elimination using the tired and trusted swimsuit round, in front of an audience of 1,000 Tory Party members, all chosen by ballot.

At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure is unable to confirm the rumour that one of the contestants has promised to wear a 'very skimpy lime green mankini' for the contest, while the former Chancellor of the Exchequer has promised to roll up in a top end designer knitwear full-body swimsuit made from Chinchillas.

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