24th August Rushdie forced to put down his pen


In a statement that has shocked the literary world, in a Grace Under Pressure exclusive, Nobel prize winning author Sir Salman Rushdie has confirmed that he is being forced to give up writing. 

This is however not as many might have predicted as a result of the life threatening injuries he sustained whilst being stabbed repeatedly by Hadi Matar, 24, just before the world renowned author was to deliver a lecture on stage at an educational retreat near Lake Erie. It is instead a sudden realisation that all of his acclaimed literary materpieces are akin to moneys banging randomly on a keyboard compared to the poetry of Ryan Giggs.

Speaking to our on the spot reporter, Iambic Pentameter, Sir Salman spoke tearfully from his hospital bed, "Despite all the awards, prizes and accolades that have been bestowed upon books that I have written such as Midnight's Children, The Moor's Last Sigh and of course let's not forget my best seller, although no one ever bothered to read more than a couple of chapters, The Satanic Verses, this life changing moment has made me reassess my literary worth."

"Where once I was comfortable to be compared to the greats, the moment I heard Ryan Gigg's epic love poem to the women he allegedly beat up, read out in court, my entire ouvre just seemed like words written on a page by an illiterate, dyslexic Tourretts sufferer."

"And it not just my work that has been eclipsed. Works by William Shakespeare, Robert Frost, Percy Shelley, Lord Byron and even the great Pam Ayers, are like neolithic scribblings on a cave wall compared to what Ryan Giggs can write to his (once) darling Kate. Surely his works must be part of the A level syllabus next year. "

"He might even have a new career ahead of him. I mean a potential spell at her Majesties pleasure will give him plenty of time to write. Well it will after he has fended off the amorous attentions of Nobby Knuckles who will make the close marking of John Terry seem like a walk in the park." 





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