16th August The 'Pool hope to pool votes

Forty four cities across the UK are waking up this morning with the mother of all hangovers after 72 hours of non stop partying, but feel it is a price worth paying after finding themselves not on the short list to host Eurovision in May 2023.

As the residents of Birmingham, Glasgow, Leeds, Liverpool, Manchester, Newcastle and Sheffield prepare to see essential services slashed to the bone in order to find the millions required to fund this 24 hour extraveganza of campness, the other major cities of the UK, mainly the clever ones in the south, were looking forward to having their bins emptied, their streets cleaned and their social services maintained. And yet Grace Under Pressure did manage to find one resident of Liverpool who thought that the prospect of her city winning Eurovision was wonderful. 

Speaking in an exclusive ie we couldn't find anyone else who thought it was a good idea, lifelong Liverpudlian, Penny Lane, revealed, "Oh it's dead boss innit. Real sound.  A chance fer me to put on me party kecks and boogie the night away. We've already had Sonya on the tellie and she didn't look a day over 80. an yer can never ave enough Sonya can yer."

"It will be great fer the city too. Liverpoool's famous fer loads a stuff, like the Beatles, The Cavern, John Lennon, the ferry cross the Mersey, the Beatles, the superlambanana, Anfield, Brookside, Macca, the Diddymen, The Beatles, the Toxteth Riots, George Harrison and that one who did Thomas the Tank engine. Oh yes he was in the Beatles too I think."

At the time of going to press Grace Under Pressure cannot confim that by granting Eurovision to a northern city, the government's entire levelling up process is now complete and it can focus the rest of its attention on the south east and home counties.

Should it win the final showdown it is hoped that hosting  Eurovision will help boost the standing of Liverpool just as it did when it was Europen city of Culture back in 2008. A hallowed time when visitors to the city often come out of the theatre to discover their car minus its tyres,  jacked up not on bricks but on a series of ecclectic and critically acclaimed books.