3rd December To kiss or not to kiss that is the question


Government minister for seasonal snogging, Sajid Javid, yesterday published the roadmap to enjoying a Christmas kiss with family, friend, colleague or complete strangers over the festive period. Mr Javid who admits to having tried to swap faces with at least three girls during his lifetime issued the following advice.

'Don't bother with a fancy chat up line, instead just waffle on about taking back control, protecting your borders and levelling up. With regards foreplay, well a quick lambrusco at an illegal Downing Street Christmas party should be enough to get you both in the mood. Then its finding the right location which in Matt Hancock's case was a back office complete with built in CCTV to capture the romantic moment for posterity.'

'Despite what you might have heard from the back benches, technique is not important, just go for it. Bitten lips, broken teeth, dislocated jaws and a tongue that will feel as if it had been rubbed with a cheese grater are all part of the experience. You might want to practise first, maybe on your hand, a pillow or in Jacob Rees Mogg's case, his nanny.'

'Alway carry a piece of mistletoe or a Conservative election manifesto around with you as that means the subject of your amorous advances is legally obliged to partake. And finally be prepared that things might move quickly and before you know it you are being invited to move on past first base. At this point the use of PPE might well be advisable.'

Here we see Mr Javid protecting his luscious lips in order to perfect a pristine pout just in time for this years Downing Street knees up. At the time of going to print Grace Under Pressure is unsure whether chief Christmas kiss critisiser Minister for Work and Pensions, Theresa Coffey, is on Mr Javid's hit list or not. But we suspect not.




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