16th December Jumping the booster queue: A layman's guide

Tired of waiting on line? Too mard to stand in the cold in person? Yet still desperate to get an extra shot of any Covid juice? Well fear not as the Christmas angels might say for Grace Under Pressure is here with a handy dandy guide to jumping the booster queue.

Use a hack on the NHS website.  Whether its to unlock a phone, make your DVD player multizone or breaking into the Pentagon, everyone has been tempted to use a hack to gain an advantage. Now with the use of a simple code available 'just to you' for a few notes, just plug the hand station for an X box series S into your broadband socket, twiddle the knobe to the left, right, up, down then round and round, enter the 75 digit hack code and voila, you booked an appointment for 25 mins time. Now all you have to do is cover the 40 min drive and you'll be sorted

 Use a resale site like Ezamug or Moremoneythancents.  As is normally the case the scalpers and their algorhythm bots have managed to snaffle up all the appointments in order to resell them at vastly inflatable prices. But Boris says its your national duty to get booster so to hell with the money for your kidz edukation. Just splash the cash to get a Pfiser, Moderna or Astro booster. Now all you have to do is pretend that you are 78yr old Albert Tomkins or 23yr old Molly McBride and you're good to go.

Offer sexual favours to a vaccine volunteer.  We all know the best way to get backstage at a Taylor Swift gig is to offer some kind of sexual encounter to a roadie. Or was that only me? Well your local vaccine hub is no different. Betty from the local Women's Institute might look as if butter wouldn't melt but she would make Kim Basinger in 91/2 weeks look like a novice when armed with a tub of catering margerine. Submit to her deviant desires and you'll both get pricked.

Just wait to be contacted. Keep cool and play the long game. It’s so 2020 to rush in and demand your shot. Instead sit back, pour yourself a Baileys, munch on some festive nibbles and just wait for that golden ticket to drop onto your doormat. Why be one of the herd when you can just bide your time and be one of the first to receive a vaccine that is effective against the Upsilon variant.

Pray. Okay so you're not what you would call 'religious' unless its connected with praying for your horse to get a wiggle on in the final furlong of the Epsom Derby but you've been told that God loves a prodigal returning back home. Just offer a quick mumbled prayer and hey ho before you've even said 'Ah Men', the Divine has interveened and a verifiable miracle has occured. God will even be so grateful for your attention that he'll even offer you multiple slots to find one that suits you.

Volunteer at a vaccination centre. And finally if someone can turn up at an A&E department with an unexploded WW2 shell lodged up his arse and pretend it was an accident then on your first morning volunteering surely you can pretend you just 'slipped' and fell onto an unsheathed needle that penetrated the deltiod region of your arm, administering just the right amount of vaccine in the process. Feeling a bit washed out after your fall you won't be able to continue your first and as it turns out only shift and will have to go and recover in The Nag's Head for the rest of the day.